Chapter 21

For the next couple of days Brian and Justin didn't really talk much about Brian's decision to not go ahead with the case Melanie and her colleagues thought they had. Justin knew that if he brought up the topic again, Brian would only feel pressured and pushed into a corner and that wouldn't do. Justin had promised him that he would accept and support whatever decision Brian would make and even though Brian hadn't made the decision Justin had hoped and prayed for, he would honour his promise to Brian.

Justin knew how much this sacrifice cost Brian and he knew that Brian hadn't only done it for Gus, even though he had claimed that it was about Gus, but that it had also been about him and because Brian didn't want anyone to come after him and his company. Sometimes Justin cursed his boyfriend for being so stubborn and most of all selfless, but in the end it was one of the reasons he loved Brian so much. Brian had a big heart and when he allowed someone into that heart, he loved them unconditionally. How could Justin not feel humbled, knowing he was loved like that by his partner?

Lindsay and Melanie had been by earlier to bring over Gus for a sleepover. They had a pre-wedding weekend getaway in the Poconos and had asked the boys if they would be able to watch their son. Brian and Justin had only been too happy and they had both known that the women needed this weekend away from all the wedding planning and stress that brought with it. The wedding was only three weeks away and they had both noticed how stressed the two women were by the preparations. So the least they could do to help was watch Gus for a weekend.

When they had been over, Justin had seen how Melanie had talked to Brian quietly and he figured that it had probably been to ask him about his decision on the case and whether he wanted to go ahead with it or not. As this was Brian's decision and he had promised not to interfere, he hadn't talked to Melanie again and knew that it was for Brian to let her know what he had decided.

Watching them, Justin had seen the surprise on the lawyer's face and had seen how she had tried to argue with Brian, but how he had just waved it off. In the end she had just nodded sadly, but had apparently accepted Brian's decision and not badgered him any longer. For that Justin was grateful, because he didn't want to spend a whole weekend looking after Gus with an annoyed Brian by his side.

After the girls had left, Brian and Gus had moved to the living-room section of the loft and had started to play with Gus' wooden train set which he had gotten for his last birthday and which he loved immensely. Justin had settled on the sofa and had taken a sketch-pad and had just watched the two most important people in his life play before he started sketching the scene. He loved seeing Brian with Gus. Brian always got this carefree expression on his face and seemed so unguarded when he was with his son. All the dark clouds and memories that usually hung over his head disappeared when he was with Gus and Justin just loved seeing how the small boy brought that much joy into his daddy's life. Justin could imagine nothing more relaxing than sketching the father-son duo on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Putting the finishing touches on his sketch, Justin frowned when he saw a small head appear in front of his legs, looking at him with a wide grin on his face. Justin smiled at Gus and waited for the boy to say what he was apparently bursting to say.

“Jus'sin?”

“Yeah, Gus?”

“Daddy is hung'y.”

“Is he now?” Justin raised an eyebrow at the small boy and then his gaze wandered off to where his boyfriend was smirking at him from the living-room floor.

“Yeah... very hung'y. Daddy want cookies.”

“Your daddy wants a cookie?”

The small boy nodded eagerly and Justin could only smile as his gaze met Brian's who was chuckling in amusement. They both knew it wasn't Brian that wanted the cookie.

“What should we do about that? Hmmmmm....”

“Get daddy a cookie!” Gus exclaimed, nodding eagerly at his own idea.

“Yeah, I think that might actually work, but... if we get Daddy a cookie now, won't he be full for dinner then?”

The small boy shook his head wildly. “Nooooooo.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, if you say so. I am going to trust you on this, Gus. You have to make sure that Daddy will still eat his vegetables at dinner. Can you do that?”

“Yes,” Gus nodded once again, watching as Justin got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen to get him a cookie. He followed behind him and waited eagerly until Justin handed him a cookie. He then ran off back to where his daddy was still sitting on the floor smiling at him gently.

“Daddy! Cookie! Cookie!”

“Yeah, I can see. I told you Justin would be powerless against your cuteness.”

“Love cookies,” Gus mumbled as he eagerly ate his cookie, not even thinking about giving his daddy a piece.

“Don't we all know it,” Justin muttered as he came back to the sofa with his own cookie and sat back down with his sketch-pad once more. When Brian came over and stole a piece of Justin's cookie, Justin exclaimed in mock anger. “Hey, I've just given your mini-me a cookie for you. No stealing mine!”

“He doesn't like sharing,” Brian whispered as he leaned in to kiss Justin's lips tenderly.

“Hmmm, I guess that's a lesson we still have to teach him,” Justin whispered into the kiss, before he moaned softly.

Knowing that Gus was around, they broke the kiss off before it turned more serious, knowing that they would have to wait until the small boy was asleep to get any more action.

When Gus saw his fathers kiss, he came running over, patting them both on their knees. “Kiss daddies,” the small boy said excitedly and Brian lifted him up into his lap with a laugh, before he leaned in and kissed the small boy on his cheek, his nose and his forehead. Gus giggled madly and only giggled more when Justin leaned in from the other side and kissed his other cheek. The small boy just loved being the center of attention and this was no exception.

They spent a quiet, lazy afternoon together at the loft, playing with some of Gus' toys and games before Justin moved to the kitchen and with Gus' help prepared dinner for all of them. Gus loved handing Justin the stuff he needed for cooking and loved helping. It made him feel more grown up and bigger than he was.

After dinner Brian went and had a quick shower with his sonny boy, before changing him into his pajamas and settling down with him on the sofa to read him a story. It didn't take long before the young boy had fallen asleep and was sleeping peacefully with his head rested in his father's lap.

Justin had retreated to his office space to get some work done, but couldn't help watching the gentle scenes between father and son. He saw the gentle way in which Brian ran his hand through his son's auburn hair and he saw the loving gaze in his eyes.

Deciding that he had worked enough for a saturday, Justin got himself and Brian a bottle of beer and then moved over to the sofa where he found Brian deep in thought as his hand mindlessly ran through Gus' hair.

Not wanting to disturb the young boy, Justin settled down on one of the huge pillows on the floor and watched for several minutes how Brian never stopped his caress of Gus' hair.

He took a sip of his beer, then gently nudged his boyfriend's knee with the second bottle. Brian seemed to come back to the here and now and took the bottle with a grateful nod. “Thanks.”

“You okay?”

“Hmmmm, just enjoying that sonny boy is here with us.”

“I love when he stays over,” Justin smiled. “He's so cute. He's like a mini version of you.”

“God, I hope not.”

“Afraid so,” Justin winked. “He's just as cute, loving and caring as his daddy and has the same mischievousness his daddy has.”

“You're biased,” Brian chuckled, taking a sip from his bottle before he set it down on the table in front of him, careful not to disturb a sleeping Gus in his lap.

“You care?” Justin raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

“No, not at all,” Brian said gently, smiling at his boyfriend.

“We should probably get him into bed. This can't be comfortable for him or you,” Justin suggested, slowly getting up from his pillow, setting his bottle down on the table as well.

“Just a few more minutes,” Brian said quietly, his hand once more running through his son's hair.

Justin saw the faraway look in Brian's eyes and could only guess where it came from.

“Are you okay, Brian?”

“I guess... just thinking...,” the older man muttered, before he turned to meet Justin's questioning gaze. “I... I can't remember ever having been like that, you know?”

“Like what?”

“Like him. That carefree and happy and loved...”

“You are loved, Brian. And you're happy, aren't you?”

Brian shook his head slowly, before he smiled at Justin. “I am, but that's not what I meant.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I was his age... you know, he doesn't have a care in the world and is so innocent, but... even at his age, I didn't have that... When I was at his age, I had already had several broken bones and injuries and the hospital must have thought I was the clumsiest kid ever, constantly falling over and hurting myself...”

“Is that what your parents told them?”

Brian nodded, turning his gaze to Gus' sleeping form. “I never had this innocence that he has about life... not having a care in the world...”

“Your parents are easily the worst parents in the history of humankind,” Justin exclaimed angrily. “Closely followed by my asshole of a father.”

Brian chuckled and smiled gently at his boyfriend. “Always so quick to defend me.”

“I love you, it's what I do.”

“I love you, too.”

“Glad we got that sorted,” Justin winked, then carefully moved onto the sofa as well, careful to lift Gus' legs and have them rest in his own lap. He leaned into Brian's side and sighed happily.

“I was thinking about something Melanie said earlier,” Brian admitted after a while in which they had happily sat together watching a sleeping Gus.

“I saw that you two were talking,” Justin nodded.

“You didn't tell her about my decision?” Brian asked, slowly turning to face Justin.

“No, it's your decision. I told you... It's not my place to tell people what you decide.”

“Thank you!”

“Did you tell her?” Justin asked, entwining his hand with Brian's when he threw it over Justin's shoulder.

“Yeah... she wasn't happy...”

“Who cares? It's not her life, not her choice.”

“She said something that got me thinking...,” Brian admitted.

“That explains your weird mood right now,” Justin chuckled, but then turned serious again. “What did she say?”

“That if I wasn't doing it because of Gus, I wasn't being the father I wanted to be to him.”

“What? I hope you don't believe her... You're a great father, Brian. He loves you so much and just look at how happy he is.”

“I know, but that's not what she meant...”

“What did she mean?”

“She asked me what kind of boy I want Gus to grow up to be. The kind of boy that fights for what he believes in and stands up for what he believes is right or the kind of boy that shies away from confrontation and runs whenever the going gets tough?”

Justin knew where this was going and he wasn't sure he liked it. Yes, he himself had wanted Brian to come to a different decision, but it was Brian's decision and he had accepted that. Melanie had to accept that as well and had no right to influence Brian's mind like she had.

“Brian, don't let her get to you. It's your decision and nothing she says will change that.”

“But she's right. You have been right.”

“Brian...”

“No, you have been. This might be my only chance and what am I doing? Hiding away and throwing it away because I am scared.”

“Of course you would be. It's a damn scary decision knowing what will happen if you go for it,” Justin said in an understanding voice.

“But what lesson is that going to teach Gus?” Brian asked with concern in his voice. “That it's okay to hide away when the going gets tough? That it's okay to hide with your tail between your legs?”

“Brian, you and I both know it's not as easy as that. Gus will learn how much you love him and how much you have sacrificed to protect him and make sure he won't be a target for those assholes.”

“But am I protecting him?”

“Of course you are,” Justin said with conviction.

“When I found out that he was my son, Debbie talked to me.”

Justin nodded at Brian's side, remembering how she had changed Brian's mind about letting Gus know that Brian was his father.

“She pointed out how we can become a target for an asshole even without a reason. Back then, I didn't want Gus to know that I was his father because I didn't want him to be bullied for having a slave as a father, but then Debbie pointed out how Michael has been bullied in school for years and he didn't have a slave as a father, he didn't have two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers. He was bullied anyway. I remember how you got bullied at St. James' just for being gay...,” Brian stopped then, taking a deep breath. He hated remembering how Justin had come home from school with tears in his eyes, only confiding in Brian because he hadn't wanted his dad to find out that he was an outsider at school and being bullied.

Justin squeezed Brian's hand, showing him that he knew what Brian was thinking about.

“If someone wants to go after Gus, they will do so anyway... Debbie was right. They don't need a reason. Maybe they just won't like the colour of his hair or his eyes. Who knows? Back then Debbie asked if it wouldn't be better for Gus to know that he has a father at his side that loves him and supports him instead of not knowing. And she was right... and you and Melanie are right...”

“What are you saying?” Justin asked gently.

“I am not protecting him by keeping the status quo. If I really want to protect him, shouldn't I try to do what I can to legally become his father? In every way that counts? Shouldn't I be there for him whenever he needs me and not just when society or his school or some stupid club allows for me to be there? How can I be a good father to him if I am throwing the one chance away to legally become his father once and for all?”

Justin carefully turned towards Brian and wasn't surprised to see tears on his beautiful face. He gently wiped them away and smiled at his boyfriend. “Is this what you want to do?”

“I don't know...,” Brian whispered, before he slowly untangled himself from Justin's embrace and carefully picked up Gus to carry him over to the bedroom.

Knowing that Brian needed a few moments on his own with Gus, Justin stayed where he was, watching over his shoulder how Brian gently lay down his son in the middle of the big bed, carefully pulled the covers over him and tucked him in. He watched as Brian leaned over and gently kissed Gus' forehead and wished him a good night and sweet dreams. Brian stayed and watched his son sleep for a few minutes before he returned back to Justin's side on the sofa and snuggled into his boyfriend's warm embrace.

“I am just so goddamn confused,” Brian muttered as he lay his head down in Justin's lap a minute later, looking up at his boyfriend's worried eyes.

“It's a big decision. Everyone would be,” Justin said quietly.

“What would you do?” Brian asked, his voice showing his insecurity.

“This is not my decision, Brian. It's yours.” Justin started running his hand through Brian's auburn hair much like Brian had done with Gus earlier.

“I am not asking you to make it for me. I am just asking for your opinion,” Brian sighed, then smiled at Justin gently. “You would do it, wouldn't you?”

When Justin nodded, Brian only smiled some more. “Yeah, I knew. You've always been a brave fucker like that.”

“Not half as brave as you are,” Justin whispered.

“I am not brave... Look at me, I am too fucking scared to make a decision... too fucking scared of the consequences...”

“You are brave. Braver than you know. After everything you've been through, you still opened your heart to me and let me in. You gave me your trust even though you knew how dangerous that would be in your situation. You are fucking brave. Never let anyone tell you differently. You have been through so much shit in your life already and yet here you are, seeing if there's even more fight left in you. That's fucking brave, Brian.”

“My own, private, cheerleader,” Brian chuckled at his boyfriend in amusement.

“Don't expect me to wear the outfit to go with it,” Justin winked, resting his second hand on Brian's chest.

“Kinky,” Brian smirked, his tongue in cheek, then carefully sat up, his eyes never leaving Justin's. When he spoke next, his voice spoke of all his fears, insecurity and the pain he had suffered through in his life. “If... I go for this... I can't do it on my own.”

Justin could see on Brian's face and in his eyes how much it had cost Brian to admit that and he pulled his boyfriend closer and nearly squeezed the life out of him.

“You don't have to. I will be by your side. Every step of the way. And so will everyone else. Mel, Lindsay, Debbie, Michael, Ben... the whole family. You are not alone, Brian.”

“It will turn really nasty...,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin's face when he made his next statement. “They'll make me face Sapperstein and... your father...”

Justin closed his eyes for a second to try and hide how much his heart broke for his partner. “I know,” he said. “I'll still be there.”

“What if you decide halfway through that I am not worth that much drama and pain?”

“That's never gonna happen,” Justin promised, his voice drenched in sincerity. “You are worth that and so much more. This is about your freedom, Brian and... I will do whatever I have to for you to get it. I will do whatever I have to to make sure that you can be the father to Gus that you want to be.”

“And the partner to you that you deserve,” Brian whispered, meeting Justin's lips in a kiss that sealed the decision he had been fighting with for several days now. Of course he wanted his freedom, he would be lying if he said that he didn't want to be a free man instead of a slave, but he didn't want it at the cost it would be to his family and friends and most of all to the two people he loved most. He didn't want his freedom if it meant hurting Gus and Justin. He wasn't worth them being hurt.

“I have him right here,” Justin smiled into their kiss, but he knew that Brian wouldn't hear any of that. He knew that Brian had always felt inadequate as Justin's boyfriend and if Brian being a free man would make him feel better about himself and his role in Justin's life, then Justin didn't care what it would cost them to get there. He wanted this for Brian and he would do whatever he could to make it happen for his boyfriend.

When their kiss ended, Brian lay back down in Justin's lap and closed his eyes.

“So, are we going to do this?” Justin asked and he deliberately asked about 'we' and not 'you' to show Brian that he would be at his side from beginning to end.

“I guess we are,” Brian sighed, then buried his head in Justin's stomach with a groan. “God, I must be crazy...”