Chapter 5

Over the next couple of days, Brian and Justin had settled into a relationship that seemed to work for them. They had talked a lot and Justin knew that they would still need time, especially Brian, but they had already made a huge step forward from where they had started when Brian had first appeared at the loft.

By now they had both agreed that they wanted to give their relationship a try and that they wanted to make this new thing between them work. Justin knew that all of this was way harder on Brian than on him and he also had a suspicion that it was way harder on the older man than he was letting on. Justin knew that Brian hadn't been completely open and honest with him about what he wanted from their relationship, but he also knew that he needed to give Brian time. So much had changed in Brian's life recently and Justin knew that those changes were a lot to take in.

He had gotten a few glimpses into Brian's broken soul when the older man had told him some of what had happened to him during the years they had been apart and Justin knew that it would take time for Brian to work through that and to be able to fully open himself to a relationship with Justin. He knew that Brian needed to learn to trust again and he knew that Brian needed time to trust him. In the beginning that realisation had hurt Justin and he had felt frustrated because it had never been him that had hurt and disappointed Brian, but Justin was old enough to know that that was not how trust worked and he knew that Sapperstein and his sick friends had done a major job of destroying Brian's trust in people. And Justin didn't even want to think about what his own father had done to his boyfriend.

He had been there and had seen firsthand how his father had taken the broom and had assaulted Brian, had punished him for 'making his son gay' as he had put it. He had been there and had seen how powerless Brian had been, how Craig had just gotten away with it all because Brian was a slave and as such had no rights at all. It had angered Justin immensely that animals would get treated better than slaves.

It would always be a mystery to Justin how people could treat other human beings as if they were nothing. As if they were worth less than the vilest criminals in the history of the earth. It had amazed him how there were absolutely no laws to punish slave owners for mistreating other human beings. Damn, the United States had animal protection laws. How were there no laws to protect slaves?

It had never made sense to Justin and one of the first things he had done once he had started his education at PIFA had been to join the campus anti-slavery organisation. When he had left PIFA with a degree, he had joined the organisation all his friends were engaged with called LAAS (Liberty Avenue Against Slavery). They had helped him with finding Brian and had gotten him on the right track about how to go about things and they had been his support system all along the way.

Once Justin had started his graphic design company, he had done a lot of charitable work for them and even before, he had used his PIFA education to create posters and flyers for them. He was still heavily involved with the organisation and still attended the weekly meetings religiously. He hoped that one day Brian would join him. He really wanted Brian to meet the people involved in his life and his fight, but he knew that it was too early for that.

As of now, they had just figured out what to do about their relationship, agreeing that they both wanted this relationship and wanted to give it a try. Justin knew how hard it had been on Brian to open himself up like that and he knew that he couldn't pressure the man into meeting his friends until he was ready for it. For now they had enough to do with figuring out their own lives.

So far Brian hadn't left the security of the loft once and Justin knew that the man was still scared of the reaction he would get if he and Justin were seen together. Relationships between slaves and slave masters were more than frowned upon and not really common and Justin knew that Brian was scared more than anything. He himself couldn't care less what other people thought about him, but he knew that Brian cared.

Brian had taken a real interest in Justin's graphic design work over the last few days and more than anything it seemed as if Brian was scared of what being seen together would do to Justin's reputation and the reputation of his company. Justin had tried to explain to Brian that it didn't matter, that most of his clients were anti-slavery supporters and heavily involved in the anti-slavery movement, but that hadn't done anything to calm the older man.

Justin knew that pressuring Brian wouldn't get him anywhere and he knew that he needed to give Brian time. Pressuring Brian had only ended badly whenever it had happened, case in point their huge blow up when Justin had wanted to talk about their lack of intimacy. He had learned his lesson and knew that he needed to let Brian make his own decisions and needed to give Brian the time until he was ready.

That's what they had been doing in recent days and they had managed to settle into some sort of rhythm that seemed to work for them.

In the mornings they would usually shower together before Brian would prepare breakfast for them while Justin checked some emails. They then had breakfast together, before Justin would work for a couple of hours and Brian would do whatever tickled his fancy at that time. Sometimes he would watch some TV or a movie, sometimes he would read a book or a newspaper, sometimes he would borrow Justin's laptop and surf the net while Justin worked on his desktop PC. They would then order some lunch and would have a quickie before Justin returned to work for a couple more hours or ran some errands. In the evenings they would watch a movie or talk, before they usually ended up in bed, having the most exquisite sex Justin could remember ever having had.

When his friends had asked Justin how things were going with him and Brian, he had said: So far, so good.

He knew they still had a long way to go, but they had made a start after their conversation and he knew they were on the right track.

Of course there were also bumps in the road and Justin sighed when he thought back to the night two nights ago when Brian had had a very bad nightmare.

“Brian?” Justin asked sleepily when he felt someone hit his arm over and over again. “What are you doing?” He asked, feeling slightly annoyed by Brian hitting his arm over and over. When Brian didn't stop, Justin opened an eye and saw that it was still dark. It was the middle of the night and why the hell was Brian hitting him?

“Brian? Stop it!” Justin said once more, but when the older man didn't react, Justin turned around to look at him. He frowned when he saw Brian writhe on his side of the bed and saw sweat all over his face and body.

“BRIAN!” Justin exclaimed, leaning over and watching his boyfriend with worry. He quickly realised that Brian was thrashing, as if to fight off someone who was attacking him in his mind. Justin could see Brian's closed eyes and realised that the man had to be suffering from a nightmare.

“Brian,” Justin said once more, this time starting to shake Brian's shoulder, waking up the older man. It took him a couple of tries before Brian reacted and slowly opened his eyes. He looked around, his face beyond scared and absolutely pale and white. Now that he was awake the older man was breathing heavily and he sounded as if he had run a mile before he had been woken up.

“Brian? Are you okay? It was just a nightmare,” Justin whispered, leaning over and putting a hand on Brian's face to get the man to focus on him. When Brian flinched under his touch, Justin eyed him with worry. “Brian? It's me. Justin. We're at home. In the loft. Everything is okay. It was a nightmare.”

Brian's eyes wildly moved all over the place as if to take in his surroundings and Justin noticed the exact moment Brian started to believe him and realised where he was. He could feel the brunet calm down noticeably and could feel his breathing return to a normal pace.

“Are you okay?” Justin asked once more, eyeing the older man in concern. “That must have been one hell of a nightmare. You're pale as a sheet.”

“I... I am sorry... I didn't mean to wake you,” Brian muttered, avoiding Justin's gaze and pulling up the sheets to his chin.

“It's okay. I am just worried. Are you okay? You were thrashing and writhing and it looked as if you were fighting someone.”

“Just a nightmare, like you said,” Brian said quietly, before turning away from Justin.

Justin ran a hand down Brian's arm and leaned over. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” came the muffled reply.

Justin sat up on the bed and eyed Brian with a worried expression, not sure what to make of this closed off version of his boyfriend. Brian hadn't been like that since their fight.

“I think you should,” the younger man said quietly. “I think it might help, you know?”

“I said no,” came the reply, this time angrier than before.

Justin took all his courage and asked the one question he was scared to hear the answer to. “Was it about what my father did to you?”

Before he could even realise what was happening, Brian had jumped up from the bed and had left the bedroom for the living-room.

“Brian?” Justin watched after him for a couple of seconds before he followed the older man.

He found Brian sitting on his sofa, a glass of whiskey in his hand, apparently already having emptied the drink before Justin had made his way over. Justin wordlessly took the glass and refilled it, then handed it back to Brian, before he sat down next to him.

“I am sorry... I shouldn't have asked that,” he whispered, slowly leaning over, so he could rest his head on Brian's shoulder. He wasn't sure if Brian would allow the contact, but sighed in relief when the older man didn't pull away from it. “That was out of line.”

When Brian didn't show any reaction other than drinking the whiskey Justin had handed him, Justin wondered what he could do to get the brunet to talk. He was sure that talking about the dream would help Brian, but he wasn't sure how he could get him to talk.

“I am sorry,” he finally said, before he moved his head away from Brian's shoulder and returned to the bedroom.

He was surprised when he saw Brian follow him a few minutes later and saw him crawl back under the sheets. He was even more surprised when he saw Brian turn on his side, so he could look at Justin and felt him take his hand, squeezing it gently. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I shouldn't have brought that up,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from sad eyes. “You obviously didn't want to talk about it and I should have respected that.”

They were silent for the longest time and Justin wasn't sure if Brian would say anything else, when he heard a voice hardly above a whisper start to speak. “It was not about your father. That fucker... despite what he did... he doesn't even make the Top 5 of the nightmares...”

Justin turned around on his side and lay across from Brian, watching him from pained eyes, feeling for whatever his lover had to have gone through in recent years that he would consider what his father had done to not even make the Top 5.

Brian still held on to Justin's hand as if to draw strength and support from him and his voice was broken when he continued. “Sapperstein... he used to have this electric cattle prod... He would use it to punish us and... depending on how bad he would consider the offense we had committed, he would use it in... different places...”

Justin squeezed Brian's hand when he heard his broken voice, wanting to show him that he was there and listening, but would give him all the time he needed to finish his tale.

“Once... I broke a cup at one of his parties that he would host for his rich and famous friends and... the next day he would call me to his office and would order me to get naked and... and then he would use the cattle prod to punish me... he would hold it to my genitals and... I would have these burns and chafed skin, but... he didn't care. The next day he would require me back to duty as usual. He... he never cared... it was as if he got off on us being in pain. He seemed to enjoy our discomfort and the power he had over us.”

When Brian didn't continue for several minutes, Justin felt as if he had to say something. “He's sick, Brian. A sick asshole... but you don't have to worry about him anymore. He will never lay his hands on you again. NEVER!”

Brian only nodded and eyed Justin from sad eyes. “I... I need to tell you something, but... I am not sure how....”

“Whatever it is, we'll figure it out, Brian.” Justin leaned over and gently kissed the older man in encouragement.

“He... he once used the cattle prod on me as punishment when... when I refused to service one of his sick friends. I had seen what that friend had done to other slaves before me. Broken bones, burns, flesh wounds... all kinds of sick shit and when Sapperstein sent me to him, I refused and... he wasn't happy. He... he took me to this basement under his estate and... he would have his goons tie me up on this table and I couldn't move... I couldn't get away and then... he would...”

Justin could see the tears that ran down Brian's face as he retold those horrific moments to Justin and the younger man's heart broke for his boyfriend. If he could have legally gotten away with it, he would have gone to Sapperstein's estate right that minute and would have killed the bastard with his bare hands.

“Shhhh, it's okay, Brian. You don't have to tell me if it's too hard... it's okay...”

Brian just shook his head, then after a minute, continued. “He... he would use the cattle prod down there. He... he would insert it without preparation and... he would use it... I passed out from the pain and... he would repeat it over the next days... he wanted to teach me a lesson and... it damn well worked. I... I have never refused anything again... I couldn't walk for two weeks and... when someone would fuck me afterwards, it... it would hurt so much, but he didn't care. He said I deserved it for having disobeyed him and that it was part of my punishment...I... I never dared to refuse anything ever again...”

Justin swallowed against the lump in his throat, his own tears now streaming down his face. His heart had broken for Brian and he couldn't believe that his boyfriend had survived an ordeal like that and had come out of that monster's house in one piece. No wonder he had nightmares...

“Brian...” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian who continued speaking.

“I... I did things... I am not proud of... I... I allowed people to do things to me... Unspeakable things and... I will understand if you will never want to touch me again. I am nothing more than a dirty whore, really...”

Justin watched as Brian wiped away his tears and gently took his hand, squeezing it, before leading it to his mouth and gently kissing the knuckles that were as white as the sheets.

“Brian... don't say that... You are not a whore...”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“No, no you're not. You are my boyfriend, the man I love and I won't allow you to speak about yourself that way. What... what happened... what they did to you... God, I can't even understand how anyone could do that to another human being and... I can't even begin to understand how much you must have suffered, but... it's over, Brian. He and his friends... they'll never get their hands on you again. I will never let that happen. I promise you.”

“I... I am not sure...,” Brian was crying now and his sobs made Justin pull the other man closer and hold him tightly in his embrace. “I... I am not sure I can... you know... let you...”

Justin knew what Brian meant. He had felt the older man's reluctance in recent days whenever Justin had ventured close to Brian's ass, whenever Justin had instigated any kind of sexual activities that would have him in control and would have Brian at his mercy. He knew that Brian was refering to Justin topping him.

“It's okay, Brian. I understand,” Justin said honestly. Who could blame Brian after everything he had been through? “Don't stress yourself about that. It's okay.”

“No, no, it's not...,” Brian angrily replied, turning away from Justin and lying on his back, glaring at the ceiling. “You deserve better... You deserve a partner that can give you everything of him and... who's not broken... How sick is it that men who I didn't even know would get to fuck me, but I can't let my own boyfriend... fuck me...?”

“Brian,” Justin started once again, making soothing motions with his hand on Brian's abdomen. “I understand. It's not your fault. None of this is and... I want you! You hear me? You! I want you and no one else! We'll figure this out. There are so many other things we can do. Hell, we've been doing other things for days. You just need to let me know what's okay and what's not. We'll figure it out together from there.”

“You deserve more...”

“I have everything I want right here. Nothing else matters. Just you and me! I don't care if I never get to make love to you. It's not important. We have other things we can do. And... maybe... maybe one day you can trust me enough... maybe one day... years down the line... you will feel like letting me try... and if not, that's okay as well. Just...,” Justin leaned down, looking at Brian's pained eyes from sincere ones. “Just remember that I will never do anything to hurt you! I am not one of them! If something makes you uncomfortable, you have to let me know and I will stop. I promise you!”

After what felt like an eternity, Brian nodded, his eyes never leaving Justin's.

“Maybe one day I can...,” the older man whispered, his voice sounding hopeful.

“Only if you feel like it. Not because you feel like you need to do it for me. Promise me, Brian. Promise me that you won't do it because you feel you have to do it for me.”

Brian nodded. “I promise.”

“I love you,” Justin whispered, leaning down, kissing Brian gently.

“I love you, too.”

Justin smiled when he thought back to the lovemaking that had followed afterwards. Brian had been so gentle and caring. As if to make sure that Justin would never ever have to experience any of the pain he had been through.

After hearing Brian's sordid tale of what he had been through at Sapperstein's hands, Justin had contacted his friends from LAAS and had inquired if there was anything he could legally do about the mistreatment of a slave at the hands of Sapperstein. He had known the answer before he had gotten it and that had only made him angrier. There was nothing that could be done. As long as the laws didn't change and didn't give protection to slaves there was nothing that could be done to hold slave owners accountable.

Justin smiled when he heard steps coming over to his desk and saw Brian half-naked with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“What are you working on?” The older man asked, biting into an apple as he ran a hand over Justin's shoulder.

“The newest issue of Rage,” Justin responded. He had shown Brian the story of the gay, slave crusader the day before and had told him all about how he and his friend had come up with the idea for a slave crusader that would save slaves everywhere from cruel owners.

“What is he up against now?”

“I... I actually wanted to talk to you about that,” Justin said, turning around to look at Brian.

“Why do I get the feeling that I am not going to like this?” Brian raised an eyebrow at the younger man.

“I... I want to use your story, Brian...”

“WHAT?”

“I... I want to have Rage fight against a villain called the cattle drover who treats his slaves worse than cattle and...,” Justin didn't finish and just looked at Brian.

“And tortures them with cattle prods...,” the older man finished for him, his voice sounding void of any emotions. “Why?”

“Working on the comic... It... it helps me deal with stuff. I... the first issue was about what my father did... it... it just is a way for me to work through stuff and I thought maybe... maybe it would help you too...”

“How?”

“I... I don't know... Maybe we could do this together. Maybe we could come up with the images together. I... I think it might help you as well.”

“I don't think I can,” Brian said honestly, turning away from Justin and walking over towards the kitchen area.

“If you don't want me to do it, I won't, Brian. It's your choice,” Justin said sincerely.

“I don't have a choice. I never had,” Brian snorted in derision.

“You have one now. Just Brian and Justin, remember?” Justin walked over to where Brian was standing and wrapped his arms around the slave. “Here it's just Brian and Justin and we're equals.”

“And if I say no?” Brian raised an eyebrow, challenging Justin to an answer.

“I will come up with something else.”

“But you want to do this, don't you?”

Justin sighed and rested his head against Brian's chest. “There is no way we can get Sapperstein to pay for what he has done, but... maybe... if we hint enough at who he is... people will figure out that he's the cattle drover and will stop spending money in his establishments. Maybe... maybe we can get back at him that way.”

“That sounds awfully risky and dangerous,” Brian whispered, wrapping his arms around the younger man. The last he wanted was for his boyfriend to be in danger.

“It will be vague. Just hints... Just for people in anti-slavery circles to get the hint. We've done it before. That's our way of exposing these assholes. That's... that's how we fight them,” Justin looked at Brian from sincere eyes. “It's how I got back at my father...”

Brian held Justin for the longest time and he realised how important this was for Justin. Justin wanted to fight on his behalf and Brian felt scared for him, but at the same time he knew that if their roles were reversed, he would feel the need to fight for his boyfriend as well. And he knew that no matter what Justin said, in the end there was no way that Brian could stop him. Justin was an adult and had been making his own decisions for years. Apparently he had been doing the same before with his comic and knew what he was getting himself into. Who was Brian to stop him from fighting on his behalf? It warmed his heart to know that there was at least one person who cared enough about him to be willing to fight for him no matter what.

“I won't stop you,” Brian said eventually. “I... I just don't know if I can help you.”

“I understand,” Justin nodded. And he did. He could understand how hard this had to be for Brian and he couldn't blame him for not feeling up to the fight himself.