Chapter 9

“Hey,” Justin bumped his shoulder against Brian's as he opened the door to his building. “Talk to me.”

“Huh?” Brian turned to Justin with a confused expression on his face, obviously not having heard what the younger man had said to him.

“Are you alright, Brian? You're awfully quiet,” Justin voiced in concern, giving Brian a look that spoke of how concerned he really was.

“Stop it,” Brian sighed, calling for the elevator, desperately trying to avoid Justin's gaze.

“Stop what?”

“Stop being so concerned all the time.”

“Well, I can't help it. What do you want me to do about it?” Justin answered in slight confusion.

“I am not a doll that's about to break any second now. You don't have to be so fucking concerned all the time. I am fine.”

“Okay,” Justin just voiced though his voice made it clear that he didn't believe Brian.

“I mean it, Justin. I am not a child, so stop treating me like one.”

“I am not treating you like a child!”

“Yes, you are!” Brian noticed how he was getting more and more angry and he didn't even really know why.

“I am not! Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you?” Justin held up his hands after he had entered the loft and turned to Brian. “You are being weird and I am just concerned. Did something happen? At dinner?”

“What, you mean your minions didn't report to you?” Brian flopped down on the sofa and angrily pulled off his shoes.

Justin eyed him from where he was standing at the kitchen island, wondering what was happening. Wondering what had made Brian's mood change like that. He had seemed happy enough at the family dinner, excited even after he had met Lindsay again.

“My minions?” Justin frowned as he slowly walked over.

“I am sure Debbie or Michael gave you a second by second report about my queen out. So don't play innocent with me when you know all along what happened.”

“Queen out? What are you talking about?” Justin sat down on the sofa next to Brian and eyed the older man from confused eyes. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Brian.”

“You know exactly what I am talking about,” Brian spat, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“I have no idea. Honestly.” Justin got up from the sofa, deciding that there was no point in talking to Brian in this mood. “If you want to talk like the adult you claim to be, let me know. Right now you're behaving like the child you say I shouldn't treat you as.”

With that Justin worldlessly walked over to his computer terminal and turned on his work computer, making it clear to Brian that he would be working.

Brian stayed where he was and just stared out of the huge windows, watching the skyline of downtown Pittsburgh. He wondered if Justin really didn't know what he was talking about and if no one had told him. Justin's reaction had seemed genuine enough, but that made no sense.

After about 30 minutes, he slowly got up from the sofa and made his way over to where Justin was working. He gently started massaging his boyfriend's shoulders and sighed. “You really have no idea what I was talking about?”

Justin didn't even look up from his work and just shook his head wordlessly. Brian knew he was in deep shit. Justin not replying verbally told him that much, but at least he allowed the massage. That had to be a good sign.

“That makes no sense,” Brian muttered, before he finished his massage and sat down in the second chair at Justin's desk.

“You're talking in riddles,” Justin muttered, not even trying to hide his annoyance at Brian.

“Someone should have said something...Debbie... or Ben...,” Brian muttered, before he gently pulled Justin's chair back and made him face him. “They really didn't say anything about my queen out?”

“What queen out?” Justin asked. “Either tell me or not, but make up your mind. I am not in the mood for riddles.”

“I... Ben asked me if I wanted to speak to his class at CMU. He's doing an anti-slavery class and he asked me if I wanted to share some of my experiences and my story as... as I knew the system. He... he thought it would help his students to get a real perspective on things.”

“That's a great idea,” Justin exclaimed excitedly. Then he frowned. Brian had mentioned a queen out. “You don't think so?” He eyed Brian from confused eyes. “Why not? It would be a great way to let people know first hand what slavery does to people.”

“I...I kind of blew up at him and overreacted to his proposal,” Brian admitted, hanging his head, not daring to look at Justin.

“Why?” the younger man asked in confusion.

“I... he surprised me. I... I felt put on the spot and... I reacted badly,” Brian admitted quietly.

“How badly?” Justin frowned, his voice less frustrated and annoyed now and more concerned.

“I kind of told him that it wasn't my choice anyway and it would be your choice since giving an anti-slavery class he was sure bound to know that as a slave I couldn't make a decision myself and it would be your decision.”

“Brian!” Justin exclaimed. “What the fuck?” He got up from his chair and started pacing the area in front of his desk.

“Well, it's true...,” Brian said helplessly, watching Justin pace.

“No, it's not. Just Brian and Justin. Remember? Equals? You make your own decisions. I told you, Brian: None of that master-slave shit between the two of us.”

“Justin,” Brian started, wanting to explain his point.

“No, don't Justin me. We talked about this, Brian. You said you understood and you agreed. I know this is hard for you, but... I need you to understand that we're not doing any of this normal slave – owner shit here. You're my boyfriend, my partner. Not my possession. I need you to understand that.”

“I do!” Brian exclaimed and Justin just snorted in reply.

“Obviously not!”

“Justin... can I explain? Please?”

Justin saw the pleading look in Brian's eyes and in the end nodded. He walked back to his chair and sat down, looking at Brian. “Okay, explain.”

“I do get it, no matter what you think, but... that is in here. And it might be all good and fine for the two of us and in here, but... there is a whole other world out there. A world that doesn't see things the way we do.”

“That was our family, Brian. It's the same with them. They don't care about any of this slave bullshit. You know that.”

“They are your family,” Brian replied gently, taking Justin's hand in his.

“No, they are yours as well. Hell, you've known Debbie and Michael and Lindsay longer than I have. And none of them care,” Justin's eyes met Brian's gaze and he frowned. “Did anyone say anything?”

Brian couldn't help but chuckle. Justin reacted just the way Michael had earlier. “No, no one said anything.”

“Then... why would you doubt them?” Justin frowned, looking even more confused now.

“Justin... what we're doing here... we're creating a bubble. We're living in a bubble and as nice and comfortable as that might be, it's not real life and the real world. It's not real!”

“Of course, it is!” Justin exclaimed, once again getting up from his chair and starting to pace. “It's real. It's real for me and it's real for you. It's real for our goddamn family.”

“Justin... do you have any idea how dangerous what you're doing is?” Brian asked earnestly, looking at the younger man from worried eyes. “Please, don't tell me you're naïve enough not to see it.”

“Naïve? You're calling me naïve? What the fuck? Why are you so intent on destroying what I am trying so hard to build here for you? I want you to be happy, Brian! Happy! I want you to have the life you deserve. I want you to have friends, family, a partner that loves you for who you are and that you love because you want to and not because you're forced to. Is that so wrong?”

“It's never going to be real!” Brian exclaimed angrily and waved his arms around. “All of this is good and well, but it's a bubble, Justin. It's not real! You can't change the laws!”

“I don't have to!” Justin exclaimed back just as angrily. “Why can't you just be happy with what I am doing here? I am trying so damn hard... And you don't seem to appreciate it one bit.”

“I do. How could I not?” Brian replied, trying to make Justin understand, but he never got any further.

“No, you don't! All you're doing is sabotaging every bit of happiness I am trying to bring you. You are so eager to find bad things in everything I do... Why? Why are you so intent on destroying every bit of happiness that could be yours?” Justin asked exasperatedly.

“I... what the fuck? I am just asking you to be a bit more realistic here. I am just asking you to take a good, long hard look at the world around us and not get lost in this bubble you're creating here for us. Do you know how dangerous what you're doing is for me? Do you have any idea?”

“I would never do anything that would be dangerous for you. Never!”

“You're doing it every day! And you don't even realise it!” Brian yelled, and immediately cursed himself for having yelled. “You don't realise how dangerous this whole thing is and... you're making me forget about the dangers, too... My life is on the line here, Justin!”

“Your life? What the fuck? Stop being so damn melodramatic,” Justin spat, feeling beyond angry at Brian and not understanding how a simple question asked out of concern could escalate so much.

“Melodramatic? You know what? Fuck this shit! Just fuck it!” Brian stomped towards the door and opened it. He turned to Justin for one last parting shot: “You accuse me of behaving like a child? Grow up, Justin! The only child here is you.”

“Fuck you, Brian! Fuck you!”

“Yeah, very mature reply, Justin.” With that Brian pulled the door shut with a bang and left Justin to stand alone in his loft.

***

At first Justin had considered going after Brian, but then he hadn't done it. He had been too angry and to frustrated by how that argument had gone. How dare Brian accuse him of being naïve? How dare Brian accuse him of risking his life? What the fuck had he even been talking about? And all because of a queen out he'd had to a question Ben had asked? That didn't make any sense to Justin and Justin would be damned if he would run after Brian like a lovesick puppy.

The longer Justin had thought about their argument however, the more he had calmed down and once he had been ready to laugh at them both for being the major drama queens they were, the concern started to creep in. Where the fuck had Brian run off to? And when Justin started considering that question, he started realising the dangers Brian storming off entailed. Brian was a slave. Even if they didn't live like it and didn't treat him like it, he was and as a slave, he was not allowed to go anywhere without his master's, Justin's, express approval. What if Brian ran into a police escort and what if he would get punished? The more Justin thought about the trouble Brian could have gotten himself into by running off like that, the more worried he got with each second that passed without Brian being at the loft.

Was this what Brian had meant? That he was put in danger because Justin made him forget the rules of being a slave by treating him like an equal and his boyfriend? But surely he had to know that Justin wasn't doing it on purpose and to get him in danger. As Justin had said during their argument, all he wanted was for Brian to be happy. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Brian. After all he had been through, not only in recent years, but in all his life really, he deserved some happiness. And Justin wanted to be the one to give him that happiness.

After waiting for Brian to return for two hours, Justin got more and more worried. He started calling their friends, first Michael, then Lindsay and last, but not least Debbie and asked them if Brian was with them. When they declined and asked him if everything was okay, he just hung up. He didn't feel like explaining to them about their stupid argument. Most of all he didn't want to hear that they agreed with Brian. He didn't want to hear that he was making Brian's life more dangerous.

When it got close to midnight and he still hadn't heard back from Brian, Justin reluctantly started to get ready for bed. He knew that if Brian had run into the police, he would have been contacted by now, so wherever Brian was at the moment, he probably didn't want to see him.

As Justin took a shower, he swore to himself that he was going to get a cell phone for his wayward boyfriend, so he could always reach him and find out where he was. He hated not knowing where Brian was and if he was okay. Which Justin knew was another problem entirely. Slaves were not allowed to own cell phones, but Justin just didn't care. He would be damned if he couldn't reach Brian in a situation like this.

Justin lay down in bed and realised for the first time in weeks how big the bed was. Usually Brian would share the bed with him, but now it was just him alone in this big bed and that made the bed appear bigger than it was. He pulled the blanket close and around himself and buried his head in his pillow and he cursed himself when he felt tears come to his eyes as his gaze landed on the empty side of the bed that had become Brian's side. Where was he? Why had he run off like that?

Quietly crying into his pillow, Justin didn't hear at first how his loft door was opened quietly. He didn't hear how it was closed quietly shortly after and how his boyfriend made his way over to the bed.

Brian probably thought Justin was asleep as the whole loft was bathed in darkness, but then he heard the sniffing and sobbing and knew his boyfriend wasn't asleep. Carefully pulling off his clothes, Brian slowly climbed onto the bed, not sure of the welcome he would receive.

Throwing caution to the wind, Brian did what he usually did when Justin cried and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. He felt Justin stiffen in his arms and realised that Justin still hadn't noticed his presence. Not wanting to scare him, he whispered quietly. “Shhhh, it's okay. It's me...”

He felt Justin relax slightly in his arms and placed a gentle kiss under his ear. “I am sorry,” he whispered, pulling the younger man closer.

Justin didn't resist and allowed Brian to hold him. He didn't say anything though and he didn't return Brian's embrace. Brian knew he deserved that and so much more, so he placed another gentle kiss on the younger man's head, never releasing his hold on him.

“I am sorry... so fucking sorry...”

Justin only nodded in response, then slowly turned around in Brian's arms, looking up at the brunet from shining, glassy eyes.

“Me too,” Justin whispered, running a hand up and down Brian's arm. This time it was Brian's turn to nod and they just looked at each other for the longest time without words. Their eyes having a silent conversation that only the two of them understood. After several minutes it was Brian who broke the silence.

“It's just a fantasy, Justin,” he whispered in a hopeless, sad voice and Justin's heart broke when he heard it.

“It can be our reality, Brian,” the younger man replied in a voice filled with hope and confidence, a confidence he knew the older man didn't have. And how could he really after everything he had been through in his life? Justin couldn't even blame him.

“Let's not argue about this tonight,” Brian sighed, feeling beyond exhausted and empty. He just didn't have any more fight left in him.

“Okay,” Justin agreed silently and rested his head on Brian's shoulder, where it fit perfectly into the crook of the older man's neck and sighed happily. “I love you,” he whispered quietly, before his tiredness took over and he fell asleep in the arms of the man he loved. He knew they needed to talk about this, he knew this fight had only scratched the surface of the iceberg and had only revealed a much bigger, underlying issue, but he also knew that none of it mattered at that moment. All that mattered was that Brian had returned home and was holding him in his arms. Everything else they could figure out later. There was always a tomorrow for that.