Justin made his way into town listening to Sirius Radio and just enjoying the solitude in his car.  The morning had been filled with surprises.  Brian talking in the morning was unusual enough, but that he had admitted to being jealous of other guys seeing Justin was astounding.  Justin knew Brian found him hot, but hearing Brian admit it was affirming in its own right.  He sometimes wondered if Brian purposely waited to share little tid bits of conversation with him, hording them to drop casually in a conversation at just the right juncture.  He thought that might be something of a Kinney trait, especially knowing how much Brian hated talking in general.  As he had told many people, Brian and he talked a lot, their lives together were not just about sex and keeping their hands off each other, but their talks were private, not for public consumption.  And Brian still had the false notion that he had a persona to fulfill and admitting to more than fucking with his long -time partner was not something that came easily to him. Their friends had a small inkling that there must be more to their relationship than sex, but since Brian was an extremely private man, most of them could only guess.  He knew his mom and Daphne had been allowed to view the inside of Brian's persona and he was glad that Brian accepted them in the small circle of people who knew him in that way. 

He, on the other hand, tended to wear his heart on his sleeve and this resulted in other kinds of problems.  Everyone knew when he was upset or hurt.  He wished that he could not show every emotion, be the calm, quiet Brian Kinney, but maybe that was what made their relationship work. One of them had to be the emotional one and he guessed he was the designated partner in that arena. 

He had a meeting with Michael at 2:00 but thought he'd drive in to town and visit Daphne.  Daphne had a standing opening in her schedule on Tuesday mornings so she could run errands or take care of needed paperwork.  Since he returned from New York, he often stopped by to give her a little diversion and himself a chance to visit.  He pulled into the parking lot of her office building and glanced at the surroundings.

Across the street were a few people walking on the sidewalk and occasionally peering into the windows of the shops that lined the street.  A mother and her child were walking hand in hand and the little girl appeared to be pointing at something in the window of a toy store.  Her mother smiled and they entered the store.  Justin thought of his childhood, walking with his mother and pointing to an art supply at the museum and his mother allowing him to purchase just one thing each time they visited. 

The traffic on the street was light for this time of day.  It was too early for Christmas shoppers to be pounding the doors at the mall or the local Toys R Us since Thanksgiving was a few weeks away.  He knew after that fateful day, the mall and the toy stores would be packed with bargain hunters.  He shuddered as he remembered Daphne and him going to the mall shortly after Thanksgiving a few years ago and almost getting run down by the patrons.  There was something to be said for on line shopping. 

Thoughts of on-line shopping brought him to thoughts of Brian.  Brian, his partner, his lover, his muse, his reason for being.  He couldn't fathom life without the man in it.  Coming full circle, he thought of their conversation this morning and wanted to share it with Daphne.

He walked into the two story building, marveling at the abstract sculpture that graced the lobby.  Every time he saw the sculpture, he thought of different interpretations of the piece.  He imagined that was what good art was about, moving your audience.  He wondered if he would ever create again and even if he did, would anyone care.  He frowned at that thought and turned the door to Daphne's office filled with contemplation.

Daphne heard the bell ring as the door opened and came out from the back area to see who it was.  Her face beamed when she recognized Justin.

"Justin.  Everything okay?  You look like someone just stole your favorite toy," she asked as she hugged him. Opening the door to the inner office, she waived him back.

Justin moved toward one of her upholstered chairs.  Client chairs, she called them and he always laughed when she referred to them in that manner.  The chairs were a deep burgundy and overly stuffed.  There was a small side table between the two chairs and a box of Kleenex sat prominently on the table.  Two coasters sat atop the dark cheery wood, begging to be used to keep the finish intact.  It appeared that they worked, as Justin didn't see even a small scratch or water mark on the surface. 

"I told him," Justin said, not bothering with small talk.

"Told him?" Daphne thought she knew what Justin was talking about, but didn't want to assume since there was so much going on in Justin's life at the moment. Daphne went to the coffee machine and got out two cups to prepare coffee.

"About a child," Justin ran his hands over his face, but didn't continue the movement to his hair.  "I told him I wanted one, but with all that has gone on with the stalker, the interview and my painting, I wouldn't pursue it."

"I'm not following you," Daphne scrunched her eyes, trying to put all the pieces together from Justin's statements, but failing miserably.  She placed cream and sugar in one cup and just sugar in the other.

"I can't have a child, not now, not ever." Justin said with great sadness. "The stalker and the interview closed that door.  I could never subject a child to ridicule as a result of the poor choices I made while in New York."

"Ridicule,"

"The whole world knows I stripped for a living.  I can't risk having my child teased about his father the stripper.  Children are cruel and I can't knowingly do that to a child," Justin said softly, regretting again his folly in New York.

"Children will find something else to focus on.  Someone's clothing, their haircut, their grades, and of course, you can't leave out their sexual orientation," Daphne fired back, not even giving Justin a chance for rebuttal. "We can't protect our children from ridicule.  It's part of growing up.  Why don't you tell me the real reason why you think you can't have a child?"  She brought Justin his coffee and returned to the small wet bar.  She opened the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a plastic yellow watering can and begun filling it.

"The real reason?  I told you I can't have a child, knowing that my stupidity will result in their teasing."  Justin watched her water the plants and pick off a few dead leaves. 

"Justin, I've known you forever, well since we were five and that seems like forever.  I know how your brain thinks.  I know the world is more tolerant now, but your child could be teased because he has two fathers.  He could be teased because he lives in a mansion.  He could even be teased because he was Brian Kinney's son, the ex slut of Liberty Avenue."  She poured out the remaining water in the can and let it sit on the counter to dry.  "No one can predict what other children will do and we surely can't predict how our actions will ultimately affect any future interaction with other children.  It sounds as ridiculous as you won't have a child because he will have Craig as a grandfather. Since Craig is a homophobic bastard, kids might tease your child because its grandfather is a jerk." She smiled at her analogy, hoping to help Justin see how ridiculous his thinking on this subject appeared.  She sat in the other chair opposite Justin and picked up her coffee cup.  She took a sip and while it was warm, she stood up, taking it to the galley area of her office to rewarm it. "Why don't you stop making excuses about your future child being teased and really tell me what is going on?"

Justin looked down into his cup of coffee, and taking a sip of the warm liquid.  He placed the cup on the coaster and moved the coaster back and forth a little. 

"I don't want to lose Brian."

She decided to put on her counselor hat and just let him talk instead of responding as his friend.

"I know we talked about this a few weeks ago before all the shit came down.  You asked me if I ever wanted to be a father and I said it wasn't in the cards, that Brian didn't want to be a full time father and I wouldn't want to be a part time father.  Since I came back to Pittsburgh to be with Brian, it seems really selfish to add that to the wish list."  Justin watched as Daphne just nodded her head in agreement. 

"I mean Brian helped me so much in my recovery and he has been so patient.  Now he is dealing with this psycho stalker and I can't paint.  Who knows if I'll ever be able to paint again and then he will be supporting me.  It's all so complicated, Daph.  Life is just too messy.  I can't bring a child into the mix."  A few tears fell from Justin's eyes and he wiped them away. 

"Brian's happiness is more important than your own?"

Justin stared at Daphne, her voice bringing him out of his introspection.  Justin listened to the tick of the clock on the wall and focused his mind on the rhythmic noise. 

"No... Yes... I don't know," he said in quick succession.  "We're partners.  It's not only me or only him."  He put his face into his hands and rubbed at it.  "I told Brian that a child is not like a suit that you can return if you don't like it.  I know he understands, well I think he does.... he didn't raise Gus from a baby.  I'd like to be a father, but do I really even know what that entails.  Am I just using the stalker as an excuse not to pursue that avenue?  I don't even know what made me think of the conversation we had.  It's not like I don't have enough on my plate with the stalker and the interview.  Maybe my mind is just bringing up the baby thing to deflect the other issues.  What do you think, counselor?  Could I be using the baby issues to not confront the other things that are going on?"

"You have a lot going on right now."

"Yeah.  So many negative things, but a baby is a positive thing.  Maybe that is why I'm thinking of it."

"So you want some positive things in your life and you think a baby would be a positive thing."

Justin listened to Daphne's words; she was reflecting what he said but it sounded more reasonable when she said it.  Did he really want a child or was that a happy thing that could be in his life instead of dealing with all the shit that was happening?

Daphne's intercom buzzed and she looked at her watch. "Justin, I would love to continue this conversation but my first patient is here.  We can talk some more later.  It's like you said, you can't just go out and buy a baby like a new suit.  There is a reason that it takes 9 months before a woman gives birth.  She needs time to get used to all the changes that are coming in her life."

Justin smiled at Daphne and got up to hug her.  "I'm so glad you are on my side Thanks for listening."

"Any time.  Why don't I plan on coming out tomorrow?  We can watch a movie or something.  You need some fun that doesn't involve sex with Brian Kinney.  Not that sex isn't fun, but well...."

Justin blushed a little at Daphne's comment, but nodded at her.  "Sounds like a plan.  I'm off to meet Michael to talk about Rage.

Justin returned to his car and drove the short distance to Red Cape comics.  He was a little concerned how the meeting would go and wondered if Michael would comment on the article by Tim Callen.  He hoped that Michael didn't decide that his past would affect the comic. 

Parking the car in the side lot, he entered the shop.  Michael was helping a customer so he browsed the rotating stands in the front of the store. Thinking about the conversation with Daphne, he realized that if he continued to draw Rage it would be another area of possible ridicule for their child.  How do parents deal with their very adult jobs when they have children?  I never thought about talking to your child about your job and having to censor that information. Before Justin could really digest that whole scenario, Michael finished waiting on the last customer and the shop again was quiet.

"Sorry, we just got delivery of the new Thor comic and with the movie coming out in a few weeks, there has been a lot of interest in old issues."

"Ok," Justin said as he nodded his head, accepting Michael's explanation as truth since he didn't really follow the ebb and flow of comic land.

"I saw that article about you by the critic."

Justin felt a chill run down his spine as he listened.

"Yeah.  I bet sales of  Rage will increase when people read it.  That whole association thing, I have the comic that the stripper guy drew."  Michael grinned.  "I think I'll mention it when people start coming in.  Increase sales."  

Justin remembered Brian's words from this morning; realizing Brian did know Michael very well.  All Michael thought about was the comic book store and how his association with Justin, the artist who drew Rage could bring more sales. Justin didn't say anything; he didn't want to start Michael thinking about the negative side of being a stripper. 

They finished their meeting, discussing the next issue and Justin stating he would try to get working on the drawings.  Unlike his creative art, he felt he could draw Rage.  He felt a little relief that he could still contribute to the household income.

Justin still had a little time before he was supposed to meet Brian and decided to go to the diner to have some lunch.  He hoped it was late enough that the lunch crowd would be gone and that maybe Debbie would have left for the day as well.  Unfortunately neither was correct.

"Sunshine," Debbie said as she looked to the door to see who was entering the diner.  "Have a seat and I'll be right with you."

Taking a seat toward the back, he picked up the menu even though he knew exactly what was on it.  Glancing at the familiar paperboard, he decided on a burger and fries, noting that he never had really tried much of anything else on the menu. 

Debbie walked over a few minutes later, smacking her gum, pen and pad ever ready.   "What'll it be, hot stuff or should I say stud?" 

Justin turned red and his eyes went to the table.

"Just a little teasing,hon.  There's nothing wrong with an honest job, even if you do take your clothes off."  She felt the stares from some of the patrons and said, "Mind your own business." Deciding the diner wasn't very busy; she leaned down and scooted into the booth sitting her across from Justin.  "Honey, no one cares what you did.  You weren't selling your body for sex.  You were supporting yourself so you could paint.  And see where it got you.  You're a regular Picasso."

Justin put down the menu, unaware that he was still actually holding it.  He grabbed his coat and started to get up.

"Sit yourself down, Justin Taylor.  No one leaves when I'm talking to them."

Justin put his coat down and slumped over in the booth.

" Now you listen to me.  We are family and families support each other.  Every body has their skeletons.  Ted was a Crystal addict, I told Michael his dad was a war hero and... well he wasn't.  Ben tried to beat up those people after the bombing, and don't get me started on the rest of the family.  My point is that none of us are perfect."

"Brian said something like that this morning," Justin said.

"Brian is a smart man.  Don't let him know I said that; it might get to his head. But you managed to capture his heart and make him into a much better man.  Every one of us has been touched by your Sunshine so don't let the past haunt you."  Debbie stood up from the bench and returned her pen to her hand. "What'll it be?"

"Chocolate milkshake, cheeseburger and fries."

"Good thing your stripping days are over, Sunshine.  Eating like that could result in a few pounds," she teased.

Justin smiled, happy in the knowledge that at least with his "family" nothing had changed.

TBC