Dad,

I am standing here only because Brian told me I might regret not coming back to say goodbye one last time.

Mom’s phone call to let me know of your passing came shortly after Brian and I got the best news. Our surrogate has given birth to our daughter Cecilia. She’s mine, because Brian already has Gus.

Imagine the way I felt when Mom gave me the bad news shortly after receiving the best news ever. Like I said, I never wanted to come here, but Brian is very persuasive.

When your lawyer handed me the letter, my first instinct was to dump it in the trash. I actually did it, but Brian retrieved it. He gave it to me when we were in bed later last night.

I was curious, I must admit. So I started reading it.

With each word, I wanted to punch you for doing this to me. I could tell that you still loved me, even though your hatred for gay people blinded you, but sadly, that’s how I’ll always remember you. Your letter might have redeemed you somewhat in my eyes, but my strongest memories of you are from our last encounters. The moment you slapped me for having the courage to tell you I was gay, the cruel act of crashing into Brian’s car and injuring him, the way you treated me until I left home, and yes, the way you had me arrested outside your company.

I wish you had the guts to call me as you claim you’ve tried. I wish we’d have talked about this while you were still alive. I doubt I’d have ever forgiven you, but we’d never know.

At least, you’ve been a good dad to Molly. It’s refreshing to see how Molly was the one to open your eyes about me not being all that different. She’s never judged me. Even though, I resented her in the beginning, over time I came to love her and understand that Mom loved both of us just as much.

I was surprised to read that you’ve visited me in the hospital.

Funny how these things work. I never knew Brian came to the hospital back then. It took your letter for him to admit that you weren’t lying. God forbid he showed me his feelings back then; and look at us now – married and having a child together.

I want to believe your words about being happy for us, but somehow, I can’t. You might have changed, but I’d never know.

I feel like an idiot standing here by your coffin, talking about a man I barely knew. I used to look up to you when I was a kid, but that image changed pretty fast. You were barely home, and when you were, you didn’t have time to spend with me. Then one day, you hated me for who I am.

Instead of repeating myself in various ways, I’m going to wrap up this speech.

Oh, and vodka is my drink of choice.

.

.

.

Brian kept an arm wrapped around Justin's shoulders, as Justin stood by the table holding the drinks. He was on his fifth glass in a row.

“I need some air,” Justin mumbled, downing his drink. “I feel like suffocating in this house.”

Jessica had graciously offered to host the farewell party at their house.

Justin made his way to the front door, fishing out his smokes the second he was outside.

“I thought we were quitting,” Brian said from behind him.

“When we get back, I promise to stop. I need this now.” Justin leaned his back against the wall near the front door. “That letter fucked with my mind.”

“It’s more than any of my parents would have ever told me,” Brian acknowledged, plucking the cigarette form Justin's fingers and taking a drag.

“You don’t know that.”

“Justin, you can’t compare the way Craig acted toward you with the way my parents acted toward me. They hated me, one more than the other. For fuck’s sake, Jack didn’t want me! He even told my mother to get rid of me.”

Justin blinked away the tears, still not quite believing some people could be so cruel. He sniffed, wrapping his arms around Brian. “I’m glad you’re alive.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here,” Brian promised, kissing the top of Justin's head.

Justin retrieved his cigarette, barely touching it to his lips when the front door opened. Molly stepped outside, but stopped short at noticing her brother and his husband. She looked about to crumble. Justin kept his cigarette between his lips, opening his arms for her, and she snuggled close, sobbing into his shoulder.

Over her head, Justin met Brian's eyes. He’d never feel the same anguish and sorrow as Molly, because a part of his heart still hated Craig. That letter might have erased some of the pain, but the only thing it brought was peace. It didn’t wipe out all the hurtful words and actions.

“Shh, Mollusk. I’m right here.”

Brian stroked her hair, keeping his other hand on Justin's shoulder.

“Did you really hate Daddy?” Her voice was small, and if it weren’t so quiet outside, Justin would have missed her words.

“The feeling was mutual, Molly. I tried to give him time to adjust, but he never even tried to understand, let alone talk about my homosexuality.”

“He’s changed his opinion. I made him see you were still Justin and it didn’t matter who you liked. You were the same funny, smart, talented brother I’ve always had.”

Justin smiled widely, kissing her brow. “Thank you, Molly.”

“I guess, it was too little, too late,” she mumbled.

“Something like that,” Justin agreed.

“Are you staying for the weekend?” Molly asked, pulling away. She wiped her eyes with a paper tissue, smudging her mascara.

Brian rubbed Justin's back. “You can stay, catch up with your family. I’ll go to Cecilia.”

Justin pouted, but he knew that Brian was right. He should be close to his family in times like these, even though his new family was waiting for him back in New York. He’d have Brian and Cecilia for the rest of his life, but he would have those moments with Molly and his mom again. Their emotions were all over the place, raw and the pain was still fresh.

“Are you sure?” Justin checked.

“I don’t mind. Besides, Tara is going to live with us for a while. We’ll be fine.”

“Fine. Send me cute baby photos.”

“Speaking of baby photos,” Molly quipped up. “I want to see my niece!”

Justin pulled out his phone, scrolling through the gallery to show her a couple dozen pictures of Cecilia.

“Her name is Brianna as well?” Molly pointed to the name of the album holding the photos.

“Your twat of a brother insisted on that name. We commonly agreed she needs another first name, because then the abbreviation of her name would have been BTK.” Brian snorted, shaking her head.

“She doesn’t even know who BTK is, Brian,” Justin chided him. “Do you?” He turned to Molly.

“Brianna Taylor-Kinney?”

“It’s the pseudonym of a guy who killed ten people back in the seventies and eighties. He was known as The BTK Killer,” Brian explained.

“What did the letters stand for?”

“I think you’re too young for that,” Justin said loudly, glaring at Brian, daring him to say more. “The thing is, we agreed on Cecilia Brianna Taylor-Kinney.”

“Damn, that’s a mouthful,” Molly said softly. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

“Have you thought about our proposal?” Justin asked, stubbing his cigarette on his sole.

“I’ve applied to several colleges in New York, and a couple on the west coast. But I have to focus on my last year of high school until then – SATs, good grades, Prom… you know?”

Justin cupped her cheek. “Whatever you decide, I’ll encourage you.”

#

It was late at night, and Brian had long since left for the airport to head back home to their daughter. Justin sat at the kitchen table in his mother’s house, staring out the window, deep in thought.

The light was flipped on, and his mother let out a surprised gasp.

“Goodness, Justin!” Her hands were over her chest.

“Sorry, Mom,” he said, sheepishly. “I thought everyone was asleep.”

“I can’t sleep,” she admitted, heading to the fridge. She opened the door, stared inside for a moment, then closed the door.

“Ah, I see I got this from you!” Justin laughed quietly. “It drives Brian crazy when I open the fridge only to close it, and then ten minutes later, I do it again, as if something new magically appears in there.”

His mother smiled softly, taking a seat next to him. “It used to upset Craig, too. Tuck understands me. He sometimes does it, as well.”

Justin reached out to take his mom’s hands in his. “Did I ever tell you that I’m happy you found Tucker?” As her puzzled look, he went on, “I admit, I’m not his greatest fan, but he’s a nice guy. Don’t ask me why I can’t get over the fact that he’s a few years younger than Brian, but it fucks with my head when I see you holding hands or kissing.”

“I understand, honey. And I’m glad you gave him a chance.”

“He makes you happy, and he’s great with Molly. She talks about him all the time.” Justin smiled wistfully, remembering all his conversations with his sister about Tucker.

Jennifer rubbed her thumbs over Justin's hand. “He never had the courage to call you, even though I told him to do it. You might have said no, but at least, he’d have tried.”

Justin pulled away, not ready to talk again about his dad. He’d had to be nice all day, and all he wanted to do was tell everyone what a homophobic pig Craig used to be.

“Honey, hear me out. I didn’t tell you about seeing him a few times, because I knew you’d flip out.”

“No shit?” Justin scoffed.

“Justin, Craig never stopped loving you. He always wanted his boy, but he was too proud to drop his preconceived ideas about homosexuality.”

“Mom, I never want to speak about him again.”

“I promise to never bring in discussion again, but let’s have this conversation now, okay?”

Justin rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. He folded his arms across his chest.

“Hypothetically, if he called you to meet?”

“Hypothetically,” Justin stressed out. “I’d have told him to fuck off.”

“Wouldn’t you have been in the least curious?”

“Mom, my last ever interaction with him was seeing his smug mug while the cops lifted me up. This should go right up there with hitting your own child, but it’s worse.”

“He regretted it—”

“Look,” Justin snapped, getting up. “I’m done talking about this. You changed your opinion about him because you both gave each other another chance. Even if he’d have reached out to me, and even if Brian had tried to make me see him, I’d have never forgiven him.” Justin stopped in the doorway. “He was dead to me since he wanted to run Brian over, but I kept giving him a new chance at every turn. Now, he’s really dead.”

“Oh, Justin.”

He didn’t stick around to hear what his mother had to say. He locked himself in the guest bedroom, and dialed Brian's number.

“Fuck, Justin!” Brian sounded upset.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong, but I bet you can hear it.”

Justin could feel his stomach doing a flip. Cecilia was wailing. “Oh, ooops.”

“Ooops? For fuck’s sake! It took us three hours to settle her! Poor Tara went to bed at my insistence. So I just managed to calm Cecilia, and you called.”

“I’m sorry? I’ll make it up to you by waking up at night when she cries for a month.”

He could hear Brian shushing their daughter, and Justin could feel his heart squeezing. He couldn’t wait to get back to them.

He didn’t even have to overthink his sudden decision. There was nothing holding him back in Pittsburgh. Staying the night had been a bad decision. Except from catching up with his family, he’d managed to get angry about his mother’s trying to paint his dad as the good guy.

“I’m coming back.”

“I’d be worried if you stayed there.”

“No, I mean, I’m coming back now.” Justin pushed his clothes in the backpack Brian had left behind.

“Don’t be a twat.”

“I don’t want to fight with Mom because she can’t seem to understand that I’ll never forgive Craig. I hate his fucking guts. He probably had the last laugh while I was trying to give a civilized eulogy, making a fool of myself talking about a man I barely knew.”

“Justin— Sunshine, judging by his letter, he truly loved you,” Brian said quietly.

“Not you, too!” Justin groaned. “Christ, Brian. I’m gonna hang up so you can calm Cecilia. I’ll be home in a few hours, judging by how fast I can find a plane.”

“We’ll wait for you.”