Brian's morning was busy, but he knew he had to leave for the meeting by 11:30. Each meeting he attended was unique. He had no idea that there was so much to learn about addiction. Previous to his wrapping his car around a tree and realizing that he needed to change, it never occurred to him that AA might actually be something he would look forward to attending.
Ted knocked on Brian's door about 11:00 and Brian waved him in. Ted handed him a sheet of paper with a list of companies and their addresses. "Here is the list of places you can get Gus' DNA test done. There are a number of them throughout the city and a few are open on Saturdays.The fastest labs are down on Fleet Street and they are open from 9:00-5:00 on Saturday, but charge extra. You do have to make an appointment. DNA Paternity is also down on Fleet Street but, they require an appointment, so you have to know when you're going to go. They don't charge extra for Saturdays and are open till 3:00."
Brian took the sheet and saw that Ted had made an Excel spreadsheet of the information. "I see the accountant in you comes through. You even make spreadsheets for this," Brian said tongue in cheek. "Thanks. I'll look it over and take Gus somewhere. I'll ask Justin where his agent is located. Maybe we'll get lucky and find a place nearby," Brian said.
Ted noticed the half smile on Brian's face. In the twelve years that he'd known Brian, he rarely saw that expression. He wasn't sure if it was due to Justin, or spending time with Gus.
"I'm headed out. Lindsay gave me some story about needing money for a field trip for Gus. I told her I would stop at the school and pay for it so she didn't have to be the middleman. By her tone of voice, I highly doubt that there is actually a field trip. It appears that the fun has begun," Brian said half with resignation and half with delight.
"I'll see you when you get back. I'd like to go over the projections for next quarter," Ted said. He had deduced that Lindsay used Brian's money to supplement her own income, but since it never appeared to bother Brian, he never brought it up. Now that Brian was seeking more involvement with Gus, he was pleased that her abuse was coming to light. Even though he was happy about the potential showdown, he hoped Brian wouldn't pay the price for his actions. Brian was dealing with legal issues, his sobriety, and qustioning his relationship with his oldest friend. Having too many areas in your life in upheaval did not bode well for success in any of them.
Brian nodded his agreement and picked up the sheet to review it. Even though he was going to see Justin in less than an hour, he called him.
"Hello, Brian. What's up?" Justin answered when he saw the caller id.
"Where is your agent's office? I got the list of places for DNA testing and most of them require appointments. I figured to save everybody time, I would schedule something nearby so none of us is spending the day in the car," Brian said.
"I meet her on Zoom. Her office is in New York and I go there a few times a year to meet in person. I'm pretty flexible. Our meetings are usually in the morning so both of us have the day to do whatever. I can meet up with you wherever you want. Speaking of meetings, if I don't leave now, I won't make it to AA," Justin said and hit the end button on his phone.
He looked once more at his screen and saved the latest upload of his work before hitting send. Carol, his agent, had wanted to see his latest pieces for his upcoming show. He had finished photographing them yesterday and was uploading them to his website with the requisite watermark. Technology was great for eliminating the need to be in the same city, and it helped Carol sell and promote his work in a number of places. However, the need to spend time documenting his work and safeguarding it as intellectual property was time consuming. He was just happy that he had become well known enough to have an agent who did the legwork and took care of the contracts, leaving him time to create.
Brian looked at his phone and smiled at his actions. Being in the advertising field, he should have known that it was unlikely that Justin and his agent were in the same city. So much of his business was conducted via phone or video conference. Gone were the days that companies only served their local community. While technology had changed the way of doing business, there was still the need for local tests, like DNA. So now he just needed to decide where he wanted to take Gus. His phone beeped, notifying him that he needed to leave for his meeting. He placed the sheet on his desk and left for the meeting. On the way out, he told Cynthia he'd be gone for several hours.
Brian arrived at the meeting a few minutes before noon and hurried into the room. Quickly, he spotted Justin and sat down. He felt a little reminiscent of grade school where your best friend would save you a seat at assembly. The difference, of course, was huge. They weren't in elementary school and this wasn't an assembly. He thought a brief moment about friendships and realized with a start that Justin was becoming a friend. This surprised him as he really hadn't put much thought into what he would be getting out of AA meetings except sobriety.
The speaker started the meeting with the usual request to welcome anyone new, but no one raised their hand. Brian often looked back at that first meeting and wondered what pushed him to attend. It was so unlike him to do anything that even remotely looked social in nature, except hanging out at Babylon. But Babylon was different, as that was where he picked up tricks and ruled the club. As the speaker started talking, he stopped the hamsters from running on their proverbial wheel and tuned in to the discussion.
"Hello. My name is Peter and I'm going to talk today about letting go. What is letting go? It is the ability to let go of the hurt, anger and fear that we experienced. These feelings made us feel powerless and drinking made us feel in control. We could control our drinking, no one could tell us what to do when we drank. But we didn't understand that in reality it was the other way around. When we drank, we lost control of our lives as alcohol altered our perception."
Peter looked around the group, pausing for the participants to take in the beginning of his message. He found that a pregnant pause was very effective in getting the group to focus and to start their daily journey.
"We have to learn that we will get hurt, get angry and at times be fearful, but we also must learn that we are strong and can handle these feelings without turning to alcohol. Alcohol is a way for us to dismiss the feelings and not deal with them. We have to stop feeling that we have to run from our discomfort."
A young woman wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt sat across from Peter. Her long brown hair was pulled into a pony tale and she wore some lipstick and earrings. She looked to be in her late 20's or early 30's but Brian was not that good guessing ages of women. He just knew when chicken approached him and he knew he wasn't into young boys.
"I'm Samantha and I've been clean for 6 months. I was a foster kid, bumping around from family to family. It got to me at times, thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone to want me as their kid. I turned to alcohol as it didn't have an opinion."
Brian nodded in understanding and commiseration. "I'm Brian. I know my family didn't want me; I was told that I should have been aborted too many times to count. I learned early on that I shouldn't have lived."
"You had a rough childhood, but how did you start drinking?" Peter asked, wanting Brian to dig a little deeper into his drinking.
"My dad was a drunk and so was my mom. They were great role models," he said, the sarcasm in his voice evident, even to the most casual observer. "We didn't talk in our house and there weren't celebrations or happy times. I learned early on that when you had a problem, you drank," Brian said, putting into words something he'd always felt but never spoke about.
"Drinking has always been your way of dealing with difficult situations?" Samantha asked.
"Yeah," Brian said. He thought about the conversation from a few days ago about intimacy and sex and how he was beginning to realize that maybe he used sex as a way to deal with difficult situations too. He wasn't going to add that little tidbit as he was still working through the idea.
"You're not drinking now, what are you doing to deal with difficult stuff?" Samantha asked.
Brian didn't know how the spotlight had turned on him, but he was comfortable enough in the group, he decided to answer. "I go to meetings and I talk to my sponsor. Every meeting I attend gives me more to think about. I can't tell you how many hamsters are living in my head, but I think they keep multiplying every day," Brian said, somewhat tongue in cheek.
That brought laughter from several members of the group. Justin was happy that Brian was volunteering to share more, but he felt that Brian might stop sharing; therefore, he decided to add to the discussion.
"I'm Justin. I turned to alcohol when my dad threw me out of the house. Like you said, the alcohol didn't judge me."
"I was the class clown, constantly getting into trouble at school. I wore thick glasses and didn't have any friends. I started drinking as a freshman. The alcohol didn't judge." Samantha added to her story. "I wasn't wanted at home and I made a name for myself at school as the class cut up."
"So the alcohol helped you hide?" Justin asked.
"Sure. I guess. I didn't have to feel unwanted or an outcast when I drank. What about you? Did you feel better when you were drinking?"
"Probably not. I just was feeling so much pain. I couldn't face not having a family," Justin said. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "But I realized that drinking didn't solve any problems. It just created new ones. I didn't want to feel anything, but then when I was not drinking, the problems were still there, so I drank again."
"A vicious circle," Peter said.
"I don't really remember my first drink. I had a really shitty childhood. I don't think I drank to escape it, but I think when I drank I didn't have to think about whether my life was good or bad," Brian said.
Justin was pleased and surprised that Brian had spoken. Evidently their talks were helping him become more comfortable with his sobriety journey.
"So you were still hiding in the bottle, just didn't realize it?" A young woman asked. "My name is Vickie." She wore a pair of blue dress slacks and a white blouse with small buttons down the front. She wore more makeup than Samantha and looked like she worked in an office. Her blonde hair was cut and there were highlights in it.
"I guess. I don't think I thought too much about my life until I started attending AA. I went to work, the gym and to the bars where I picked up a few men each night. I wouldn't necessarily get drunk every night, but there were plenty of nights that I did," Brian said.
"So, the bars were your escape?" Vickie asked.
"I wouldn't call it escape exactly, just that was my life. I'm working on figuring out what I want my life to be. Now that I'm sober, I have to start from scratch. Recognizing my feelings and acting on them is not something I've ever done," Brian said.
"Now that you're sober, you aren't sure what to do with your life. You don't go to the bars every night, so you're faced with having to face waht your actual life is," Samantha said.
"Well, I have a very well respected company, so I'm not concerned about who I am professionally. But my friends think of me in context of the bars and my drinking. I'm not that person anymore," Brian said, thinking about Michael's phone call last night. He was surprised that Mikey hadn't called this morning.
"Many times we have to find new friends when we get sober. This is really common when our friends were the people we got drunk with," Peter said. "Have you tried to distance yourself from the friends you drank with? Oftentimes, there is a push from them for you to join them and they hound you when you say no."
"I've told a few of my friends, but not all of them know that I'm not drinking anymore. I hang out with my friends at other places besides the bars," Brian said, defending his friendships to the group. He listened to his words and wondered why he was trying to convince them that his friends were people who did other things than drink. He'd told Ted and Emmett, but no one else. He realized that they were the friends who would accept his abstinence, as evidenced by Michael's continual whining that he hadn't been to the bars. Michael harassed him when he didn't come to the bars and couldn't seem to accept when Brian said he wouldn't be there.
"Our time is almost up today, but Brian I would encourage you to think about why you haven't told all your friends about your sobriety journey," Peter said. "Thank you for coming and sharing yourselves. As always, coffee is in the back and we have the room until 1:30."
Justin followed Brian to the back of the room and poured himself a cup of coffee. "I know the coffee is for shit and you have to get back to work, but I wanted to tell you that I was really proud of you when you spoke up in group today. You are starting to see things for yourself without me pushing you."
Brian listened to Justin's praise and realized that he was pleased that Justin was proud of him. He really hadn't thought about it, but he rarely if ever was told that someone was proud of him. People told him he was a brilliant ad man and had amazing ideas for his campaigns. Occasionally he was told he was a good father, but that was usually from Gus or Ted, never from Gus' moms. Deb told him he was a good friend to Michael, but he really wondered if that were really true.
"Yeah, I do have to get back to work. I really try not to work when I have Gus. I don't see him all the time and I don't want him to feel that I don't want to be with him or that my work is more important than he is. I'm going to take him to get the DNA test in the morning and then I'll call. Good luck with your agent tomorrow," Brian said as he walked toward the door.
He reviewed the meeting in his head. Letting go for him was complicated. Not only did he have to give up ignoring his feelings by drinking, he had to figure out what he actually was feeling. He'd hidden in a bottle for so long, he was beginning to realize that he needed to figure out who he really was. He was counting on Justin to introduce him to the sites and sounds of Pittsburgh and maybe, if he was lucky, he would start to figure out what he wanted from life besides being a successful businessman. He already knew he was a great ad man, and he'd been told he was a good father. He questioned how good a father he could be when he only saw Gus a few hours a week, but he was working toward changing that. He knew how to be successful in one part of his life, but he was actually rather clueless how to live the other waking hours.
TBC