Justin parked his car and walked toward the Wood Street Galleries. The gallery crawls the city offered on Friday nights once every three months were a favorite activity of his; offering him a chance to soak up the culture and immerse himself in his preferred world. Since Brian had his son this evening, he would be free to pop in and view a few of the exhibits. He'd been working on several new pieces to show his agent and was looking forward to their meeting tomorrow. Other artists' work always inspired him as their creativity frequently sparked something in him as well.
As he walked toward the throngs of people already in the area, he allowed his mind to wander, thinking about his life now and how it had changed in the last year. He was enjoying being a sponsor, completing one of the last 12 steps crucial to remaining sober. He remembered when he first started AA and read through them, wondering how he would be able to "give back to the community" and now he realized that being a sponsor was his way of working that all important 12th step. There was something about Brian that made Justin want to help him. He hadn't thought too much about the situation, but now that he had been Brian's sponsor for a little over a month, he realized a few things. At the first meeting, Brian appeared confident, all knowing and poised. But as he got to know Brian, he realized that he really wasn't that confident about his own private life. Outside of his business, Brian didn't really know who he was or what he liked. To that end, Justin hoped he could help Brian become as confident in his personal life as he was in his professional life.
The other day when Justin had suggested that Brian should broaden his horizons and look for activities he enjoyed, he was only slightly surprised that Brian had difficulty coming up with ideas. He'd been to enough meetings to know that alcoholics fit into one of two categories. He'd stopped counting the number of times he heard how an alcoholic's entire life had revolved around their drinking. It often started with a drink to get their day going, then a drink before or during lunch that often turned into two or three drinks, and then the after work drink that frequently became an all night event. Then there were the alcoholics who were sober all day until they left work, drinking their way into oblivion until they fell into bed, blurring the lines between sleep and inebriation. After more than a year, he'd heard a variety of stories about people's drinking habits, and while all the people were different, their stories were very similar. However, it was a little unusual to see someone who had a life like Brian's. While most alcoholics had a set of people they drank with, those people were often separate from the other people in their lives, almost compartmentalizing their drinking from the rest of their lives. Sure, those alcoholics who only drank after work may start drinking with their colleagues, but they were still at the bar long after their colleagues left for the evening. Based on the conversations he'd had with Brian, the friends he drank with were the people he considered family. He had told Justin that his accountant was one of the people who would be at the bar, although he no longer drank due to a history of drug abuse. He shared that at the weekly family gatherings, there was often beer and wine and most of the adults drank, although no one, including Brian, got drunk. He reported his friend, Mickey as someone who went to the bars with him, but he also reported that Mikey and he had a long friendship, way before Brian began drinking. Brian was truly an enigma, a man whose friends were his friends outside his drinking activities. Justin had been looking forward to meeting them at Babylon last night. He had no reason to question Brian when he discussed his friendships, but he had wanted to watch the dynamics of him with his friends in what used to be Brian's choice of evening activity. He knew that people acted differently when they were drinking and he was curious to see Brian at Babylon as well.
Just as he neared the Wood Street Galleries, his phone rang. He wondered who would be calling on a Friday night, but looked at the screen and saw the caller ID as Brian. He swiped the answer button and started walking in the opposite direction of the gallery, hoping for a quieter place to hear the conversation.
"Brian. Is everything okay? I didn't expect to hear from you until tomorrow," Justin asked as he crossed the street where the noise was less obvious.
"Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to tell you I told Gus," Brian said, torn between going into the whole discussion and wanting Justin to push him like he often did.
"Told Gus? Tell me about the conversation," Justin kept walking toward his car. When he saw that the caller was Brian, he thought the conversation might be longer than 2-3 minutes and he knew that his car would be quiet. While the wind blowing through his deep blue V-neck T was welcome, he knew from experience that it made it difficult to hear on the other end of a phone conversation.
Justin wished he was sitting across the table from Brian rather than talking on the phone for this conversation. He doubted Brian realized how much his facial expressions ‘talked'; therefore he was going to need to get Brian to actually say words in order for him to gauge how he was doing. If the conversation didn't go well, Justin was ready to meet Brian if he needed him.
Brian took a deep breath. He didn't believe in the church or any religion, but he almost felt like he was in the confessional. The last time he'd attended confession was as a middle schooler when his mother mandated his presence at Sunday worship. When he hit high school, he conveniently was always at Mickey's when it came time to attend.
He'd thought about his upcoming conversation with Gus for a long time before he picked him up for their weekend together. He toyed with how much he wanted to tell Gus but knew he had to be fairly transparent. He surmised that when Linds discovered his AA attendance that would be a great way to retaliate for the loss of money. She would likely try to manipulate his visits with Gus, using his drinking as an excuse for not allowing them time together. Who knew what Mel would say or do when his money stopped? He didn't want Gus to ‘overhear' his mothers talking and wonder about Brian's loyalty or safety.
"We talked about the DNA test and he seemed to think that was pretty cool. He liked that I was fighting for my rights to see him." Brian's smile grew as he shared the news with Justin. "I guess my kid likes me."
Justin smiled at Brian's statement. He knew Brian loved his son; that was his reason to get sober. He had to know in the back of his mind that his son felt connected to him or he would not have continued his sobriety journey. However, the confirmation from his son would be a good motivator to continue his sobriety.
"It's ironic. I never really thought about protecting my rights where Gus was concerned and now that I'm sober enough to realize that Lindsay has been using Gus as a pawn to get my money, I'm wanting to protect me and him," Brian said. He ran his hand over his head a few times. "I couldn't tell him about the DNA test without telling him about my drinking."
"You told him about your drinking? How did that go?" Justin had more questions he could ask Brian about the conversation but surmised it went okay since Brian didn't appear to be upset.
"I'm not sure he buys the idea of me as an alcoholic. He kept going on and on about some DARE class. What the fuck do they teach kids in school these days? No one told me a thing about alcohol. Of course, I didn't need any education about it, thanks to my parents. I was part of live-action theater every night." Brian gave a little smile at his quick retort.
Justin listened to Brian, wanting to ensure that Brian was finished talking before responding. So many people talk at each other, sharing information that is important to them without listening to the other person's response. The other person in the conversation sometimes seems like a placeholder so the person talking doesn't appear to be conversing with himself.
"Hey, I'm sorry I called. I'm sure you were doing something fun, rather than attending AA with me, helping me delve deeper into my darkest thoughts," Brian said, the levity in his voice easy to hear. "I'll let you go back to your evening." Brian didn't hang up immediately; he wanted Justin to say goodbye to officially end the conversation.
"Brian. Stop. I'm your friend and your sponsor. As your sponsor, I've agreed that you can call me anytime. I'm not on a clock and can only be reached between 9:00 and 5:00. You know, I once called my sponsor at 3:00 am, when I was having a huge meltdown. I couldn't paint and I had a deadline coming up. I decided that drinking might help me create a masterpiece," Justin said as he remembered that phone call. Jeremy, his sponsor, had been on the phone with him for over an hour, talking him down and walking him through some deep breathing to calm his body.
"Okay," Brian said. He looked at the clock on the nightstand and realized he had been talking to Justin for about 10 minutes. He didn't want to spend too much time in his bedroom, but he realized he needed to address his anxiety about tomorrow as well.
Justin was pleased that Brian had immediately backed down from his plan to end the phone call. He realized he needed to figure out why Brian called since it appeared that his son thought the test was cool.
"It's huge that you told your son. I'm not surprised you are freaking out. When you start to share your experiences and your disease, it is very scary. You want everyone to still like you and to not turn away. In your case, Gus had no idea that you were struggling with alcohol, so that makes it harder and easier at the same time."
Justin had reached his car and was sitting in the driver's side. He closed the door and leaned the seat back a bit so he wasn't so close to the steering wheel. He wasn't very tall for a man and had to push the seat pretty close in order to reach the pedals comfortably. He didn't like the steering wheel that close to his body when he wasn't driving. He placed his phone in the phone cradle on his dashboard so his hands could be free. While he wasn't planning on driving anywhere, he didn't want to hold his phone for a long conversation.
"Who says I'm freaking out? I'll have you know..." Brian stopped mid sentence. "Okay, guilty. How can you be so smart and I be so gullible?"
"Brian, This is all new territory for you. You told your friend Ted, the guy that works with you and you told Emmett. No one else in your family knows about your struggle. Now, you've opened up to the most vulnerable of people, your son. Kids often see things that parents don't realize."
Justin thought back to his own family. He remembered with regret how his father threw him out when he found out he was gay. He had talked with his mother and she had apologized for his father's behavior and attitudes. She had said that she always knew in the back of her mind that he was gay, but had been afraid to voice her observations as she was afraid of the consequences. A few months later she had moved out and divorced his father. At first, he'd thought he was the reason for the divorce, but as he got older and was able to look at their marriage from the outside, he realized there were many signs of things that were not right in their lives. He was just too close to see it.
But in Brian's situation, he knew his parents were alcoholics and he'd seen first hand how their actions impacted him. Unconsciously, he probably didn't drink a lot in front of his son, not wanting to repeat his own upbringing. On the one hand, this was wonderful for Gus who had never seen his father drunk or out of control. However, this also meant that Gus was questioning Brian's statements regarding his disease. Brian had shielded his son and since his son didn't see him all the time, he had been able to hide his illness. Brian paused and took a deep breath before he continued.
"We also talked about the Incline. He wanted to know how I decided we should go. When I told him that it was your suggestion and that you would be joining us, he asked what I would do if he didn't like you," Brian said, his voice dropping slightly. He unconsciously pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing away the uncomfortable feelings that were bubbling in his brain. "It never occured to me that you and he wouldn't get along. He likes all my other friends. In fact, right now he's in the kitchen making pizza with Emmett." Brian could hear their talking through the closed door, but was unable to make out the conversation. He occasionally heard bouts of laughter too.
"We ran into Emmett at the diner and I invited him over so I could explain about last night. Justin, I never, I mean never, ever invite anyone to my home. People come by, like Mikey or Gus' mom, Lindsay, but they are never invited. What the fuck is happening to me?" Brian asked, wanting Justin's take on the latest new behavior.
"Brian, we talked about this. You're working on Brian, trying to figure out who you are when you are not drinking and what you want to do with your life. While you may have chosen to not invite people into your home in the past, today you decided you wanted to do that. You said you wanted to explain to him why you canceled last night. Your home is your safe place and it appears that the only person you have felt safe inviting there has been Gus."
"Gus is just interested in hanging out and playing games. He doesn't ask for things unless he personally needs them...like cleats or a new game for his Xbox." Brian smiled at the idea that Gus ‘needed' a new game but that was their inside joke. Playing Xbox with Gus was Brian's guilty secret. He enjoyed the occasional mindlessness of video games, something he never could afford when he was growing up. "When Mikey stops by, he always wants me to hang out with him or needs me to ‘fix some problem'. Lindsay almost always wants money in the guise of needing things for Gus," Brian said, slight anger in his voice.
"You don't think Mikey and Lindsay want to just visit and that is why you don't invite them. You wanted to talk to Emmett, rather than him inviting himself," Justin said, reflecting back Brian's words. "True. I don't invite anyone, they invite themselves."
"Did you talk to Emmett?"
"A little. Mostly, he heard the explanation I gave Gus about being an alcoholic. I'm planning on telling him about our plans for the Incline tomorrow. While I know Emmett won't think anything about it, I'd like his support. If things go well tomorrow, then I'm sure Gus will talk about the Incline at Sunday dinner." Brian stopped and took a deep breath. He had been looking forward to the Incline and having Justin show him the city, but hadn't expected Gus' question.
"I'm looking forward to meeting your friends. I'd like to meet people who are helping you with your sobriety journey," Justin said, not telling him that he was curious about Brian's ‘family'.
"But what about tomorrow? Do you still want to join us? I told Gus if he didn't like you, I'd choose him and I would just see you at meetings. I don't want you to feel like you're on probation. I feel like the divorced dad who is dating again and wants his kid to like the new girlfriend," Brian said, trying to joke a little at the situation. "Not like I'd ever be married or have a wife," Brian said, shivering unconsciously at the thought of marriage. "Today, Gus even asked me if I'd ever considered marrying his mom. The question turned my stomach. Sure I love Lindsay, but as a friend, not that kind of love. That is what I told him, too."
"Brian, my presence is up to you. As you said, I'm there as a friend, not a date. What do you want?"
Brian didn't even think before he responded. "I'd like you there. I just wanted to let you know what Gus was thinking. You know, he asked if you were my boyfriend as he had never seen me with anyone that wasn't family. I guess I do need to expand my circle."
"Do you want to expand your circle? It's not a decision that Gus or I can make. I'm only encouraging you to figure out who the real Brian is. What do you want out of life and how do you want to spend it? I'm not that concerned that you have 10 friends or 100 friends or if you spend your days watching porn or training for a marathon. I just want you to look at your life and figure out what you want to do with it besides hanging out at Babylon and Woodys."
Justin watched the parking lot fill up, the people getting out of their cars and walking toward the various galleries. He glanced at his watch and saw it was only 7:30, still plenty of time to hit several places before they closed for the evening. While he had been looking forward to immersing himself in art, he was equally comfortable in his new role as a sponsor. He's always wondered why anyone would voluntarily offer to be a sponsor but now realized that helping another person reach their potential was extremely satisfying. He realized that he was okay with talking to Brian even if it meant it cut into his time at the galleries.
"What if going to Woody's and Babylon is what I decide I want my life to be?" Brian said, a slight challenge in his question. He'd already come to the conclusion that maybe those pursuits would not be his primary activities anymore, but for some reason, he was pushing Justin tonight.
"If that is what you decide you want to spend your time on, then I'm okay with that decision. I honestly hope that isn't your decision, but if that is what you decide, I'm not going to try and change your mind," Justin said. He was a little taken aback by the question, especially considering the recently aborted trip to the bars. "Have you changed your mind about going back? I'm still willing to join you if you want to try again."
"No. I'm just yanking your chain. While I do hope to go back to Babylon someday; it's not on my immediate to do list. I was just checking that you haven't changed your mind." Brian was pleased with Justin's answer. He truly had no intention of going to Babylon anytime soon but was happy that Justin was still willing to join him.
"I should get back to Gus and Emmett. While Emmett may be a professional chef, you'd never guess it if you saw the mess he makes in the kitchen. Thanks for talking, Justin. I'll call you when we're done at the clinic." Brian said as he noticed that he had stopped hearing rattling noises and faint bits of conversation that he had a few minutes beforehand. He wondered what mischief Emmett and Gus had gotten into. He doubted Gus had convinced Emmett to play an Xbox game.
"No problem. Enjoy your pizza with your son and Emmett. I'll see you guys tomorrow." Justin hit end on his phone and took it out of the cradle, placing it in his pants pocket. The smile on his face was large and he was extremely happy with his life at the moment. He got out of his car and made his way back to the gallery crawl, hoping he could hit at least two exhibits before they closed for the evening.
Brian opened the door and joined Gus and Emmett. Emmett was at the sink, washing the dishes from the pizza prep.
"Sweetie, you have the most gorgeous kitchen. I just can't think for the life of me why you don't cook in it. Even this sink is to die for. It's deep enough to put an entire pizza pan in. Now, of course, my sink at Honeycutt's Delights is that deep, but I don't think I've ever seen one like this in a person's home. And your knives are fabulous. I was...."
"Stop. I don't cook. Now, if you have such a love for my kitchen, you are more than welcome to come over and cook any time you want. Those stuffed chicken breasts with Brie and cranberries comes to mind. I'm sure Gus would love it if you wanted to cook Pizza anytime he's here. Right, Gus?" Brian asked as he turned toward his son.
"Uh sure. Aunt Em can come cook pizza anytime. Dad, are you okay? Who'd you call? And why are you inviting Aunty Em to come to cook for us?" Gus looked at his dad, especially his eyes. He remembered in his DARE class, the teachers talked about people's eyes looking glassy when they were drinking. His dad's eyes didn't look any different, but he was sure acting weird.
"Gus, I'm fine. Remember I told you that Justin is joining us tomorrow and you were worried that you might not like him. I wanted to tell him that if you didn't feel comfortable we would be changing our plans," Brian said, trying to reassure his son.
"Okay. It's just not like you," Gus said as he decided that his Dad appeared to be normal. "So, you want to play me a few rounds of Xbox while the pizza cooks. Aunty Em can watch and then maybe he'll be willing to play me after dinner."
Emmett shook his head. "Gus, I can cook a feast for 250 people, but I sometimes have trouble programming my tv to tape my favorite soap opera. I'm fine just watching." Emmett sat down on the barstool in the kitchen that overlooked the living space. "I'll just sit up here and watch the pizza and you guys at the same time." He gave them a wave of his hand, signaling that he was fine where he was and that they should play.
Gus gave Brian his control and cued up their latest Zombie game. Emmett smiled as he watched Brian hang out with his son. He was so proud of Brian. He decided to hang out until it was time to get ready for Babylon. He really wanted to chat with Brian about how his life was really going.
While Brian had been in the bedroom talking to his sponsor, Gus and Emmett had cleaned the kitchen. Gus had shared some of their earlier conversation with Emmett and Emmett was eager to talk to his friend. He hadn't had too many opportunities to talk to Brian since he'd shared information about his journey.
The aroma of the cooking cheese wafted through the loft and Emmett knew their masterpiece was almost finished cooking. He couldn't wait for Brian to try it. He had made sure to buy the ingredients for a large salad as well as the pizza makings. He went to the fridge and took out those ingredients and put together a large salad as well.
He heard Gus yelling, "I beat you. I beat you, Dad" just as the timer went off in the oven.
Emmett called out, "Perfect timing; pizza is ready and I just finished making the salad.
Despite your invitation to come make pizza for Gus, I know your preferences, my friend. You don't like to eat carbs after 7:00 and while you will indulge, you prefer salads." Emmett grabbed the large salad bowl filled with stuffed green olives, feta cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, and some artichoke hearts. "Here is a large salad as well."
"Thanks, Emmett. I appreciate the salad. Gus lets go wash our hands and then eat this pizza that you and Emmett concocted," Brian said as his mouth watered at the aroma of the pizza and the amazing salad.
The three of them enjoyed pizza and salad as well as conversation until it was time for Gus to go to bed.
"What time do we gotta leave tomorrow, Dad? I'm kind of excited about the test," Gus asked as he put away the controls for the Xbox.
"The place doesn't open till 9:00 and it's a half hour away. Justin has a meeting with his agent in the morning so he probably won't be available until at least 11:00. I had to call for an appointment since it's Saturday. Our appointment is for 10:00. I figured it would be a little less crowded at that time." He picked up the mail that was laying at the edge of the coffee table. "I have to take this with us. It's a release to send the results to the lawyers. Help me remember. Now it's late, go get ready for bed, Gus."
"Okay, Dad. I love you. Wait till I tell the kids at school on Monday."
"Uh, Gus. Let's not tell anyone until we get the results back. Remember what we talked about?" Brian reminded his son. He knew that Gus was really happy about all that Brian was doing to keep him in his life, but he did not want his mothers to know about the DNA test until the results were available. He wanted all the legal issues locked up before he talked to Lindsay. He knew that she was already going to be extremely angry when she realized that he'd gone to the school and was having all requests for field trips and other funds be directed to him. He knew he could trust Gus. He appreciated that Gus wanted to share his news with his friends, but waiting a few weeks was important.
"Sure dad. Bye, Aunty Em. Thanks for the pizza. You can come over next time I stay with dad. Your pizza is way better than any takeout we get," Gus said as he made his way to the bathroom.
"Brian Kinney, what in the world are you two talking about. What kind of test does Gus have to get and why is it secret? And why does Justin talking to his agent make a difference in your plans for tomorrow? You got some splainin' to do, Lucy," Emmett asked, his big toothy grin filled with mirth even as he grilled his friend.
"I'll explain it all when Gus goes to bed. Thanks again for the pizza. It was good and like Gus said, much better than any takeout we could have ordered."
Gus yelled that he was ready for bed. "I'll be right there," Brian said. Turning to Emmett, "Let me tell Gus good night and then we'll talk."
"I'll just make myself at home on your nice fluffy couch. Lordy, if you're not careful, I might just take a little nap," Emmett said, tongue in cheek.
TBC