Sunday morning Brian got up and went to the gym.  After working out, he showered and then drove to the AA meeting. Justin had said that he would see him there.  He was eager to talk to Justin and thank him for making Gus comfortable yesterday.  The thought stopped him short.  He had never thanked anyone for their actions or felt the need to explain his actions, yet he had done both of these things in the last 24 hours.  He remembered Ted's words from last night.  He would wake up one day and realize that things had changed.  It would never have occurred to him to thank anyone or to explain his actions a few months ago, but he realized that both of those actions seemed appropriate.  ‘Maybe Ted was right.  It would all just happen and he wouldn't even notice it.'

The meeting was at 2:00 and usually lasted an hour.  The leaders always made a point of stating that while meetings were critical in providing support, they were not supposed to take over a person's life.  While it wasn't uncommon for someone to attend more than one meeting a day, especially when they were newly sober or experiencing a crisis, typically a person only attended one day.  Since he was not due at Debbie's until 5:00, he would have time to go for coffee with Justin and still arrive on time.  He wondered when this routine became his norm.

Entering the meeting, he spotted Justin's blond head at the proverbial coffee table.  Walking over, he stopped to stand next to him and said, "Hi."

Justin turned toward him and returned the greeting, "Hi. I had fun yesterday. Gus is a great kid.  I enjoyed meeting him.  He seems to really have an eye for seeing the unusual."

"I think you are the one who should be thanked.  After all, you are the tour guide. Lindsay works at an art gallery and majored in art history.  She's been trying to expose him to different forms of art his whole life.  I don't think he really likes art museums, but I think she has increased his awareness."

"He really seemed to understand the suggestions I gave him about perspective,"  Justin said. He blew across his styrofoam coffee cup and took a tentative sip. Grimacing at the bitter taste, he said, "I think the coffee must be leftover from last night."

Brian smiled and said, "I never realized how much of a coffee snob I truly am.  After I dropped off Gus last night, I went to visit Ted and he had just brewed a fresh pot of coffee.  I mentioned to him the state of coffee at these meetings.  He just rolled his eyes and nodded his head."  He heard the leader calling them to the circle and the two of them walked toward the chairs in the middle of the room.  "I guess that's our cue to go find a seat." 

Once everyone was seated, a young woman with blond hair pulled back into a ponytail spoke.  "Hi.  I'm Samantha.  Welcome.  If there are any newcomers here, there is a beginner meeting next door or you are welcome to stay here."  She waved her hand toward the side of the room where there was a door with an exit sign above it.  "Sometimes, AA can be overwhelming for someone just starting out, so we have started a newcomer meeting.  Anyone who wants to join that meeting now is your chance."  

She waited for a few minutes and after one person had left the group, she continued.  "Today's meeting is about enjoying life.  What have you done today to make you feel good?  When we're drinking we often become obsessed with the next drink and can't stop to live in the moment."

"My name is John and I'm 40 years old," said a man to Samantha's left.  He was bald and wore a T-shirt and jeans.  He appeared fit and looked like he might work out on a regular basis. "I drank from the age of 18 until I was 35.  I have a few memories of those years and I can't get them back.  Now that I'm sober, I make it a point to do things I enjoy."

"I'm Adam," said the man sitting next to John.  Adam wore dress slacks and a button-down shirt.  He was clean-shaven.  To Brian, he looked like someone who had just come from church.  "When I was drinking I went through the motions of living.  Every day I went to work and I counted the hours until I got off so I could go to the bar and put back a few.  I had nothing in my life, but now that I'm sober, I have a wife, kids, and several hobbies.  My days are filled with things I like."

"I'm Carol," said the woman sitting next to Brian.  She was a brunette with short hair.  She wore a pink- t-shirt and long jean cutoffs.  "I used to be really negative and then I realized that I had to focus on the good things in my life.  It was really hard at first.  I grew up in a household where my parents drank.   I thought that all my parents drank and when I got old enough, I would drink too. My life was terrible.  I couldn't keep a job or a boyfriend and I only had one friend."

"What changed?" Samantha asked.  

"My friend got sick, cancer.  While she was in the hospital recovering, we spent a lot of time talking.  She said she was thankful that the cancer was caught early, but she realized that her life could have been really different.  She said she had lots of things she wanted to do but was always putting them off.  As I listened to her, I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and was just going through my days.  I decided that if I wanted to have a life, I had to make plans, and I couldn't do that if I was drunk most of the time."

"So your friend's illness prompted your sobriety?" Adam said.

"Basically.  I realized that there was more to life than finding my next drink," Carol said.

"Were you successful?" Brian asked. The conversation was intriguing.  Justin and Ted had both been pushing him to figure out who he was, but he hadn't thought about this aspect of the equation.

Carol said, "I think so.  I take the time to enjoy life.  Waiting until work is over so that I could drink in a socially acceptable situation was not enjoying life, but rather being tied to my addiction.  I read a book, have a piece of the pie, watch the sunset, workout, and even go to a meeting.  All of these things I enjoy and I've come to realize that drinking doesn't have to be part of it."

"I love painting.  I have always been an artist, but when my dad kicked me out of the house, all I could think about was killing the pain of his rejection.  When I stopped drinking, I was able to paint again.  I can't imagine my life without art in it," Justin said.  

As Brian listened to the members of the group talk about their lives and the positive things in it, he kept going back to his recent conversations with Justin and Ted.  "Adam, how did you find your hobbies?"  Brian asked, curious if this man could give him some ideas.

"At first I was really lost.  My life was always about getting that next drink. How many hours did I have to work until I could escape to the bar?"  He looked around the small circle and saw a few nodding heads so he continued.   "About a month after I joined AA, there was a flyer at work about a baseball team.  I used to play ball when I was a kid so I decided to go for it.  After the game, the players would go for a few beers and that was hard because I knew I couldn't drink, but I went anyway.  I would order a soda or seltzer water and no one said a word."  Again, Adam looked around the circle and saw people looking at him, paying attention to his story.  "One of the guys started talking about repairing his deck and asked if anyone was able to help.  I volunteered and found out I was really good at it.  That is how I started woodworking."

Carol said, "My friend loved movies and when she got out of the hospital I would go to her house and we would watch Netflix or Hulu together.  We would pick something that sounded interesting and watch it.  Then we would talk about the movie, exploring the characters, the scenery, the cinematography, the acting, and even the dialogue.  We became film critics.  That lead me to join a film group."  Brian nodded his head as he listened.  He realized that maybe he was overthinking the need to come up with things and should just let it happen.  

Samantha said, "After I became sober, I started going to the gym.  I felt the need to move my body and I had no idea how to start.  Now, I can't imagine missing a workout."

"Hi, I'm Tom," said the man sitting on the other side of the circle from Brian and Justin.  He was casually dressed in jeans and a blue pullover with short brunette hair.  He looked to be in his late 30's to early 40's and didn't really have any key features.  Brian mentally thought of him as average.  "I went back to school when I became sober.  I had dropped out after a year when I found that drinking was more fun than schoolwork.  I finished my degree and now have a great job with a computer consulting firm in the area."  Since anonymity was encouraged, often people did not state where they worked or exact job titles.   "I guess my hobby is learning.  I can't stay away from the classroom, whether it be in person or online; I love to learn.  Right now, I'm studying Astronomy and belong to several groups that meet up to watch the night skies."

"Our time is almost up for today.  I want to impress upon every one that finding joy in your life is key to sobriety.  We often used drinking to escape our troubles rather than face them and when we have something to look forward to that isn't drinking, it brings joy to our lives."  Brian looked around the small group and saw most people nodding in agreement.  "See you next week,"  Samantha said as the group started to disperse.  Many of them headed toward the proverbial coffee table, but Brian and Justin did not.

"Do you have time for coffee?" Justin asked Brian.  He hoped Brian did have time for coffee as he thought it would be helpful to talk to Brian in more depth.

"I'd planned on it.  I don't have to be at Deb's until 5:00.  Same coffee shop around the corner?"  

"Sure.  I'll meet you there."

They both arrived at the little coffee shop about 10 minutes later, having driven their respective cars and left them in the lot next door.  They found an empty table toward the back and sat down, pulling the menus out of the little holder at the back of the table.

The waitress brought out water for both of them and asked, "Ready to order?"

Justin said, "I'd like a piece of apple pie a la mode and a cup of coffee."

Brian said, "I'd like a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mayo on the side and a cup of coffee."

The waitress turned toward Justin,  "Do you want your pie now or should I bring it with the other food?"

"Just bring them together," Justin said.

The waitress nodded and said, "Yes." and left them to put in their order.

"So, what did you think of the meeting this afternoon?" Justin asked.  He was curious to get Brian's take on it.

Brian took a sip of water, tasting the slight tinge of chemicals that always was present in Pittsburgh water.  He had a filtration system in his loft and at work and momentarily wondered why a diner wouldn't have one as well.  "Maybe I'm overthinking things.  You and Ted both said I have to figure out what I want to do, but listening to Adam and Carol and a few others, it seemed that their lives found them, not the other way around."

Justin nodded as he looked at Brian.   "When I was drinking, I let my passions take a back seat to drowning my feelings in a bottle.  Once I allowed myself to feel again, I found my inspiration and began painting.  While painting was always in my life, it was like a dark cloth was hiding me from it." 

Justin took a sugar packet from the small stack on the table and tore it open, pouring it into the cup of coffee that the waitress had just delivered to their table.,  Picking up his spoon to stir the sugar, he said, "Life is not a straight line.  I didn't just pick up a pencil one day and start to draw.  I remember my mom taking me with her to the Carnegie Art Museum and I was absolutely fascinated by the brush strokes in a Van Gogh painting.  I wanted to reach out and touch it, but she pulled my hand back and explained that the painting was to look at.  After that, I picked up a pencil and started drawing and that led to painting."  

"At least you had painting before you started drinking," Brian said as he grabbed three sugars and a creamer to prepare his coffee for drinking.  After mixing his coffee as he wanted, he said, "I'm not sure where to start."

"You go to the gym?  Are their physical activities you liked outside the gym?"

"I went to college on a soccer scholarship.  I've actually been thinking about finding an adult league to play in.  I was pretty good."

"See, you have already thought about an option,"  Justin said, hoping his enthusiasm was picked up by Brian.  "I know you like hanging with Gus.  I watched you at the museum yesterday.  You seemed to really enjoy the experiments as much as he did."

"I'm not going back to school like the guy in the meeting.  I'm good at what I do,"

 Brian said.  

The waitress brought out their food and Brian's mouth watered as the turkey sandwich was placed in front of him.  He didn't realize how hungry he actually was.  "You know, since I have been sober, I pay attention to food a lot more.  When I was drinking, I just ate when someone reminded me to do so.  I often ate at the diner since everybody hangs out there."

"Tell me more about paying attention to food," Justin said as he picked up his spoon to take a small taste of the ice cream.

"I've noticed that I eat out a lot.  When Emmett came over the other night to make pizza with Gus, he commented that he had to buy all the ingredients for the pizza since he knew that I would not have anything on hand.  Debbie said something along the same lines when Gus and I went to the diner for breakfast." He took the top piece of bread off his sandwich and put a small spread of mayo on it.  Replacing the top piece, he repeated the motion on the bottom piece as well.  "I watched Gus and Emmett for a bit and they really seemed to have fun.  I don't think I want to cook all the time, but I do think learning how to make some simple dishes would be interesting.  There are times when I just wish I could pull something out of the fridge or freezer and microwave it rather than order something or go to the diner."

"It's just like they talked about in the group.  You don't have to spin the wheel like Wheel of Fortune and guess what the next activity should be.  As you go through life, things find you, and then you decide that you want to explore them.  Between Gus, cooking, soccer, and AA meetings I bet you will be very busy.  And don't forget you are still going to work and to the gym."

"I guess those hamsters in my head were making me think too much," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He bit into his sandwich.  "The sandwich is a little dry, but the coffee is good.  Maybe I am starting to observe more of my life."  

"All work and no play makes Brian a dull boy," Justin said.  Your life consisted of working and then drinking yourself into oblivion on nights and weekends.  You took out the "play" component.  Live life, Brian.  Carpe Diem!"  

"You're full of famous quotes today, but I see where you are going.  I wasn't living when I was drinking and now I have to live.  Seems easy enough to say, but I think I have a start."  He ate a few more bites of his sandwich, again noticing how mediocre it was.  

"I asked Ted to look up information on cameras for Gus.  Are you still willing to help him with his photography?"

"Sure.  Photography is just another form of art and I love all types.  Besides, it may open doors in my life as well."

Brian put down his sandwich.  "Debbie's Puttanesca is way better than this sandwich.  While I don't like to eat a lot of pasta, I do enjoy her cooking.  Guess I need to head over there.  I want to talk to Gus."

"See you tomorrow at the meeting?" Justin asked as he picked up the bill that the waitress had left on their table.  He grabbed his wallet out of his pants pocket and laid his portion of the bill on the table, handing the bill to Brian.

Brian picked up the bill and left sufficient money on the table for his portion.  "Sure.  Thanks again for yesterday.  I told Gus that I would talk to Lindsay about having him again next weekend.  We are planning on going back to the Science Center to see all the remaining exhibits.  Who knows, it might spark another ‘interest' for me."

They left the diner and drove their separate ways.  Brian realized that he was looking forward to the Sunday dinner at Debbie's.  Previously, he went so he could see Gus and it was expected that he would show up.  If he didn't come to dinner, Debbie would often hound him throughout the following week.  He'd found that attending the dinner was less unpleasant than her incessant harassment.

He arrived at Debbie's shortly before 5:00 and walked in the front door.  It wasn't locked and he sat on the couch in the living room.  Debbie heard the front door opening and saw Brian sitting on the couch.  "No grand entrance?  You okay, honey?"  She said as she walked over to him and put her hand on his forehead. 

Brian swatted her hand away.  "I'm fine."  he declined to give her more information and hoped everyone else arrived shortly.

Before she could give him the third degree, the door opened and Gus came in.  Seeing Brian sitting on the couch, he immediately went to his father and sat down.  "Mom told me that you asked her about next weekend.  Thanks.  Do you think you'll have my camera by then?"

"Yes.  Maybe I can get Justin to join us for a short lesson afterward,"  Brian said as he thought of his sponsor.  The idea of Justin joining them was very appealing.

"That would be awesome," Gus said.

"What would be awesome, Gus?" Lindsay said as she heard her son talk enthusiastically with Brian.

"I was just telling Dad that you said I could go with him to the Science Center again next week," Gus said, as he conveniently didn't mention Justin joining them to give him photography lessons.

"Oh.  Well, I always want you to spend time with Brian.  He is your father," Lindsay said.  She silently hoped Brian's new interest in spending time with Gus would result in an increase in her influence in his life.  She knew if Brian was more involved in Gus' life, she could get him to pay for more things.  She smiled as she thought of the things she would be able to do if Brian was more involved with Gus.

Sunday dinner followed its typical pattern;  eat, visit, and then talk of Woody's or Babylon.  

Michael said, "Let's head to Babylon.  I hear they've got some new dancers." Michael had been chastised enough by his mother, Melanie, and Lindsay to watch his references to the sexual escapades that happened at Babylon.  He usually managed to curtail his inappropriate comments.  "You missed Thursday, Brian. It's been ages since you went.  I bet your d..." Michael stopped just short of saying dick, but grinned at his friend, hoping his puppy dog eyes would make him say yes.

"No, I've got stuff to do," Brian said.  He hoped Gus' test results came back soon so he could stop this.  He was genuinely getting tired of making excuses for not going drinking.  He found it ironic that he was making excuses not to drink when for so long he made excuses to drink.  

"Briannnnn" Michael whined.  

Ted felt sorry for Brian and said, "Michael, stop.  Brian said no, and I think I can speak for everyone else in this room when I say that no should mean no."

Brian gently nodded his head at Ted, thanking him for his intervention. "Michael, I am not going to Babylon or Woody's and no amount of cajoling will change my mind.  Now, I have things to do tonight." Looking at Debbie, he said, "Thanks for dinner."  He looked at Gus and said, "See you Friday afternoon.  I'll pick you up from home."  Brian stood and walked out to his car. 

Everyone looked at each other and started talking at once.

"What was that about?  Since when does Brian not go to Woody's or Babylon?" Melanie asked.

"I've never seen him tell Michael no," Debbie said.

"I had to do something," Ted said to Blake, explaining to his partner why he chose to defend Brian.  After Brian's impromptu visit to their home the other night, Ted had mentioned that he thought Michael would be a problem.  He'd told Blake that he would try to help Brian by deflecting Michael's comments.

"Lordy, I'd hate to be on his bad side," Emmett said as he realized that Brian was getting really tired of Michael pushing him to go to the bars when Brian had stated that he was not interested.

Gus did not speak out loud as he wanted to keep his father's secret, but silently, he cheered his dad for his stand on not going where alcohol was served.

The comments died down after a few minutes and Ted said, "We should be going too.  Early meeting in the morning."  

"And Gus has school tomorrow, so we should head out too,"  Lindsay said.  "Thanks for dinner, Debbie."  Lindsay nodded in Gus' direction and he walked toward the door to join his mothers.  

"Leave it to Brian Kinney to still be the center of attention, even when he is not in the room," Debbie said as she took the last of the plates off the table.  

****

Brian drove home and opened the door to the loft.  While it was only 8:00 pm, he found that he was okay with being at home, no plans to go out.  He knew that he used to go home after Sunday dinner at Deb's, ready to head to Babylon after a few hours, but today he had turned down the invitation with no regrets.  He thought about the conversations he'd had over the weekend and at his  AA meetings.  He decided that he wasn't really as lost as he thought.  He knew how to make plans, and even if the only thing he wanted to do was to spend time with Gus, it would suffice.  Gus was an interesting child, full of questions and uncertainties.  He was actually excited about going to the Science Center and doing the experiments.  He walked to his desk and booted up his computer where he spent the next several hours investigating phones and their cameras.  

As he finished making his list of the top five options, he realized that no one had to guide him to the activity.  It happened as a result of a conversation he had with Gus.  Maybe the hamsters in his head were just reminders that he needed to stop and take one day at a time and not try to figure everything out.  He shut down his computer and got ready for bed.  

When he got to the office, he gave Ted his list and asked that he buy one and have it shipped to Kinnetic in time for Gus' Science Center excursion this weekend.   He grabbed his coffee, smelled the rich, deep aroma and was transported back to his first meeting with Justin when they went out for coffee.  He realized coffee mattered to him, and it made him happy when he had a marvelous cup to start his day.  He sat at his desk, bringing up his email, and started reviewing it.

His day went quickly and he found that it was time to leave, so he could go home and change in order to be at AA on time.  As he entered his apartment, he quickly changed and drove to the meeting.  As he entered, he saw Justin and sat down next to him.

"Hey," Justin said.

"Hi," Brian said.  "You know, I had a really good day today.  I'm thinking I can actually do this sobriety thing."

"Oh.  I know you can do it.  But what's different today?"

"It occurred to me that I've been sober over 2 months and that I've attended over 60 meetings."  Brian looked around the room, looking at the people and realizing he recognized a number of the participants.  He wasn't sure when that had happened, but he could put names with faces and sometimes even a few facts and stories as well.  "Coming to a meeting has become a new habit.  It's just something I do, sort of like going to Babylon, but way less destructive and mindless."  He grinned as he watched Justin smiling and nodding his head.  "I'm not sure, but I think I finally understand that life is not a "to do list".  Work can definitely have it's "to do's" but life isn't like that.  Until yesterday, when I went home from an AA meeting, I always felt at odds, feeling I should be doing something and not really knowing what that something was.  My habit was going to Babylon or Woody's, but with those activities off the table, I wasn't sure what to do."

"So what changed?"

"I'm not sure.  But I had a great time at Debbie's.  I listened to the banal conversations but realized that I was actually learning about the lives of my little family.  I hung out with Gus and we talked about photography.  When I went home, I didn't look toward the old liquor cabinet or flip on the tv.  Instead, I went over to the computer to research phones for Gus.  It just happened."  Brian said as he watched the participants coming in and going to the coffee table. 

"Remember when I asked you how long AA was going to take?" Brian asked. 

"Yeah.  I told you there was no syllabus and you couldn't just put a checkbox by a bunch of activities and determine yourself sober."

"It wasn't that I didn't believe you, I just don't think I was ready to understand.  I think yesterday's meeting about living day to day and finding purpose and joy finally made sense to me.  I'm not just seeking sobriety for my access to Gus, I'm seeking it so I can enjoy my life more."

The leader sat down and called out, "Okay everybody, time to start.  Grab your coffees and water and let's begin."

As they waited for the participants to join the group, Justin said, "That is great, Brian.  I'd love to talk more about this.  Do you want to go for coffee after the meeting?"

"Of course.  I do at least plan that part of my day," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"Today's topic is making amends....."  

TBC