"Why do Mom and Momma get mad when you said you wouldn't give them money?"   

Brian knew Gus was a smart kid and very observant, but the question still surprised him.  He'd tried really hard to protect him from all the fallout between him and the girls, but evidently, he had not been successful.  He always said he would never lie to Gus, but did that mean he couldn't stretch the truth or was telling only part of the truth the same as lying?  A few months ago, he would never have believed that he was even contemplating a dilemma such as this one, but here he was trying to decide how much honesty he was comfortable with.  

"Gus, I can tell you what I think is the reason, but you really should ask your mothers," Brian said, deciding that letting the girls explain their reasoning might get him off the hook.

"Mama said that you wouldn't give them money for me and if you didn't give them the money, they wouldn't let me see you.  But you picked me up from Debbie's.  Did you decide to give them money?  Are they not mad anymore?" Gus asked as he carefully watched his father's facial expressions.  

Brian decided that his approach was not going to work and that Gus really needed to hear his side of the story.  He pulled off the road and parked the car alongside the curb.  Turning toward Gus, he said, "Money is a funny thing.  People think it solves all their problems, but in many ways, it causes more problems."  Brian ran his fingers through his hair. "My parents didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up and I vowed to not be like them.  I wanted a good job and lots of nice things. I left home as soon as I could, but somehow my Dad found out where I was living. He would come around and ask to borrow money and of course, I gave it to him.  I knew he would never give it back."  Brian stared out the window, a faraway look in his eyes, thinking of the many times he'd go down to the union hall and buy his Dad a few rounds of whiskey.  

He hadn't thought of those awkward visits in quite a while.  He was sure that his hamsters would love to dissect his thoughts and feelings about his willingness to buy his Dad alcohol, even though he knew he was an alcoholic.  He'd mentioned his parents in passing to Justin but he'd never really explored their drinking and how that might have impacted his own problems with alcohol.  It was something he filed away to explore at a later time.

"But why'd you give it to him if you knew he'd never repay you?  I thought a loan was something that was expected to be repaid." Gus insightfully asked. 

"I'm not really sure, Gus.  I guess it was because he was my father.  Anyway, back to your question.  Lindsay wanted me to be a part of your life, that is why she asked me to help her become a mom.  She knew I really didn't want to be a father at first so I think her solution was to ask for money for things you needed.  She knew that I didn't have a great childhood and that my parents didn't have a lot of money.  I think she decided to use that information and ask me to give them money for you so that you would have a good childhood."

Gus thought for a few moments about Brian's explanation.  "So.... now that you don't want to give them money anymore, they got mad.  But, you said you'd buy me all the things I needed, so what's the big deal?  Why does it matter if you buy it for me or give them the money?  I'm still getting stuff."

Brian was once again at a crossroads and he didn't want to play good parent/bad parent but he was tired of Melanie and Lindsey's games.  "It doesn't matter as long as you get what you need.  I think the real issue here is that your moms were asking for more money than you needed and now I won't give them all the money they want."  

"So, it's not about me at all? Mom and Momma are mad that you won't give them money." Gus correctly summarized.

"As I said, Gus, I can't tell you what your moms are thinking, but I can make a good guess.  There weren't any problems with me seeing you until I told Lindsay that I was going to buy all your stuff," Brian said, pleased that he had explained the situation to Gus without too much bad-mouthing of his mothers.  He knew that there would still be repercussions from his decision, but for now, he had a reprieve and he knew he could legally see his son.  For now, that is all that mattered to him.

"Okay." Gus accepted his father's thoughtful answer. "I guess we better get something to eat if Justin is coming over soon.  Can we go  to the drive-through at Little Italy?" Gus looked at his father and saw the look of resignation on his face but he had received an answer to his question and it made sense, more so than the things that his mothers were telling the family.  

"Yes, we need to get moving, and no we cannot go through the drive-through at Little Italy.  Way too many carbs for this time of night.  How about something from Applebees?  You can get your Italian fix and I can get something with fewer carbs.  I have the menu on my phone.  Look for the one in Altoona.  Order me the blackened Cajun Salmon."  Brian handed Gus his phone and started up the car, turning it toward Altoona. 

They picked up their food and drove back to the loft, sitting at the table to eat.

Gus took a few bites of his  Four Cheese Mac and Cheese. "This is really great.  I wish Grandma Debbie made Mac and Cheese like this.  Do you think we could make Mac and Cheese sometime?'

Brian had eaten a few bites of his Salmon and found it was flavorful and cooked just right.  He was not too fond of chain restaurants, but occasionally they had their place.  "You really want to learn to cook everything don't you.  First, it was burgers, then pancakes, and now you want to make Mac and Cheese," Brian said in a teasing manner with a smile.

"You said that you didn't want to eat out every meal.  I'm just giving us suggestions on what to make. We can learn together," Gus quickly retorted.

"I'm sure we can try our hand at making some different things.  Ted mentioned something about having our groceries delivered instead of going to the store.  That seems like a pretty good deal," Brian responded.

"I bet we could ask Auntie Emm what stuff we need to buy," Gus suggested.

"Why don't we finish this meal first and then we can talk about it.  Don't get ahead of yourself."  Brian took another bite of his salmon, thinking he would like to learn how to make a few things.  He didn't like to admit it, but he really didn't like eating out all the time.  However, these days, he seemed to eat dinner with Justin and he found that he looked forward to it.  

"Where are we going to go with Justin tomorrow?  He said he liked hanging out with us.  I wonder if he has ideas about where we can go?" Gus asked.

Brian thought about hanging out with Justin and Gus and the thought made him smile.  "I'm glad he's coming over tonight. I like hanging out with him too. We can ask him when he gets here.  

"It was so cool when we went to the art museum.  I didn't think I would like it, but I really did.  I bet he can show me more stuff about photography," Gus enthused.

"I'm sure he can.  I went to an exhibit of his work and he is a talented artist.  In fact, I bought a painting to hang on the wall."  Brian pointed to the wall opposite the kitchen. 

"Wow!!!  Mom would be so impressed that you went to an art exhibit and bought a painting.  She would also be so surprised that we went to the art museum.  She is always telling me about different exhibits, but they always sound so boring.  But when Justin went with us, he made it exciting."

"Yeah.  He did make it interesting,"  Brian said as he thought about last weekend.  

The buzzer rang and Gus jumped up to answer it.  "It's Justin."

"Come on up," Gus said as he pushed the buzzer.

Gus opened the door and waited while the elevator rose to their floor.  Before Justin was even out of the elevator, Gus said,  "Justin. Dad told me he bought a painting of yours.  I can't wait to see it."

"I hope you like it," Justin said as he smiled at Gus and walked toward the loft.  

"Have  you thought about where we should go tomorrow?" Gus asked as they entered the loft and Brian pulled the door closed.  It was very heavy and Gus had difficulty closing it. 

"Gus. I told you that maybe Justin has other things to do than hang out with us," Brian reminded his son.

"It's fine, Brian.   I told you I don't mind.  I'm enjoying visiting the city.  I'd forgotten how many interesting things there are to see in the city.  You and Gus are just a good excuse to explore and hang out with you guys."  Justin put down his messenger bag and looked around the home again.  He glanced around the room, trying to pinpoint a good place for the painting Brian had purchased. 

"So what are we going to do tomorrow?" Gus asked.

Justin laughed.  "Well.  We could go back to the art museum or to the Warhol Museum, that's another art museum.  We could go back to the Science Center. There is also Bicycle Heaven, the Natural History Museum. There is so much to see and so many options."

Gus looked at his dad to see if he would suggest one of the options, but Brian was silent.  "That bicycle thing sounds different.  I've never heard of it." Gus looked at Justin as he spoke.

"It's a museum filled with bicycles and they sell bicycles too.  It's huge.  A friend told me about it a few months back and we went to visit it. My description doesn't do it justice."

"Okay.  Let's try that.  What other places could we go?" Gus looked expectantly at Justin and his father, hoping for another cool idea.  

"Gus, there is a really great website called Trip Advisor that gives you information about things to do and see in almost every city around the world.  Maybe the three of us could look at it together and come up with some places we all want to explore.  Your dad said he wanted to explore the city and while I grew up here, I'm sure there are places that I haven't seen." Justin added.

"I never thought about looking online.  I don't know why not, since I do a lot of research on the web. I guess I'm not used to looking for things to do in my own city and most of my travel is for business.  When I do travel, I have specific events in mind," Brian said, thinking of his last travel adventure to a White Party.

"That's awesome.  Can we look now, Dad?"

"Let's finish dinner first, Gus."

Justin looked at the kitchen table, seeing their dinner plates partially filled with food.  "I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner.  I can come back later," he said, starting to walk back toward the door.

"No.  We were almost done.  I was late picking up Gus from Debbie's.  She picked him up since I had to go to the courthouse," Brian said as he walked toward the dining room table and motioned for Gus and Justin to join him.  "Can I get you anything? Water, soda, coffee?  I found this great autumn maple coffee online and it's pretty close in taste to some of the diners we hit after meetings. I could make us a pot." Brian offered.

"That sounds good.  Sure.  But why don't you finish your dinner first? Coffee can wait.  Your salmon looks very good and cold fish isn't very tasty."  Justin commented as he joined them at the table. 

Brian smiled at Justin and took another bite of his fish.  "You're right. Cold fish is nasty."

The three of them sat at Brian's table while Gus and Brian finished their dinner.  There was no further discussion since all were eager to start looking at the website and planning their next adventure together.  

When Gus finished his Mac and Cheese, he took the containers to the kitchen and threw away his trash.  "Dad, can I boot up your computer?"

"Sure, but I'll have to put in my password. I'll be there in a minute after I start our coffee."  Turning toward Justin he said, "Thanks for the suggestion.  Now I won't have to spend time figuring out things to do with Gus."

"No problem.  This helps all of us since I agreed to show you the city.  I'm sure we will find some places that I've never been to as well.  I'm excited about the adventure," Justin said.

The three of them spent the next hour reviewing the Trip Advisor website and making a list of all the places they wanted to explore.  Gus was excited about the Photo Antiquities Museum of Photographic History as well as revisiting the Science Center but he said he'd like to visit everything.  In the end, they had Gus make a top 10 list, and Brian and Justin made their top 10 list as well.  Justin expressed an interest in walking around some of the old neighborhoods in Pittsburgh and visiting some of the unique restaurants and shops as well as enjoying the period architecture.  They all agreed that their lists would keep them busy for quite a while.  

Gus started yawning about 8:30 and Brian suggested he get ready for bed. Reluctantly, Gus agreed but only after he made Justin promise that he'd arrive early the next day so they could enjoy their time at the Bicycle Museum. Brian told him they could even add breakfast nearby the museum which would give them a chance to explore a new place to eat as well. .  Gus gave his dad a hug and said goodnight to Justin, then went to get ready for bed.  

When Gus was tucked in, Brian returned to the living area and poured both of them a cup of coffee. The pot was almost empty and Brian said, "Should I make another pot?"

"Sure. It was really good," Justin said as he stood in the kitchen looking at the furnishings.  "Where are you going to hang the painting?  I was thinking over on that wall would be a good place."

"That is exactly where I thought the painting should hang.  While I'm no artist, my work in advertising definitely impacts my sense of decorating,"  Brian said as put fresh water into the reservoir.

"Thanks again for coming over.  I guess I need to figure out what to do about meetings on weekends if I'm going to have Gus every weekend.  I can't keep asking you to come over and do a meeting every week," Brian said as he scooped coffee into the filter.

"Brian, I told you it's not a problem. I enjoy hanging out with Gus and you.  We've been attending meetings together for close to two months and go all over the city to do it. You said that your friend Ted overcame an addiction.  You could invite him to join us. That would be three people for our meeting." Justin suggested.

Brian watched the water slowly drip through the filter and refill the empty pot with freshly brewed coffee.  Sometimes the process seemed to take a long time while other times it was very quick.  He knew that it always took the same amount of time, but today it seemed to brew slowly.

Ted had been a great support for Brian and knew Brian's struggles.  He'd been the one Brian had called to help him throw away his liquor supply and he remembered that first night when he was at a loss and went to Ted and Blake's home to talk about his journey.  He'd had a few conversations with Ted regarding sobriety and Ted was very familiar with his ongoing legal issues with Gus.  Ted was a logical choice to invite to their meeting.  Even though meetings were by nature anonymous, he felt that Ted would keep any revelations to himself.

"Inviting Ted is a good idea.  His partner is an addiction counselor and struggled with addiction as well.  I could invite Blake as well and that would give us a group of four." Brian added, thinking out loud.

"We could have a group here on weekends.  If Ted's partner is an addiction counselor, maybe he knows some other people who would like to join us," Justin said, trying to find a solution to Brian's reluctance.

"I don't think I want my home to be a meeting place.  Inviting Ted and Blake might be okay, but I'm not comfortable having a formal group. Besides, where is the anonymity in having it at someone's house?"

"You're right.  It kind of defeats the whole anonymous idea.  If you don't want to invite Ted and his partner, that's fine.  I'm still okay coming here on weekends and having the two of us do our own meeting."

"Maybe I could get Deb to watch Gus for a few hours on Friday or Saturday night while I go to a meeting.  I think that might work too.  It wouldn't work every week, but she'd probably jump at the chance."  Brian poured them both fresh cups of coffee and returned to the living room.

"Come to think of it, I bet if I asked Emmett to come over for a few hours while I went to a meeting, he would be happy to hang out with Gus.  They could explore their culinary talents together.  Gus has decided that he wants to learn to cook too.  Every meal we eat together, he asks me if we can learn to cook the particular food.  I'm not sure how I feel about all the cooking, but I'm willing to cook a few things.  Eating in restaurants does get a little old."

"Those are great ideas.  Whatever works for you.  I like to cook and maybe one weekend the three of us could do a food adventure.  I bet Gus would like that." Justin suggested.

"I'm sure he would.  Speaking of meetings, I guess we should get started.  Do you have a topic picked out for tonight?  If not, I would love to hear your take on something I was thinking this afternoon."

"Tell me what you're thinking about.  A meeting can be about anything.  It's just a stepping stone to help people work through the sobriety journey." Justin said as he settled in with his cup of coffee.

"I was talking to Gus about why his mothers got upset about the money issue.  I explained to him that people think about money differently.  It got me thinking about my decision to leave home. My parents had money problems due to my  Dad spending all his money at the union hall getting drunk every night. Of course, when he was drunk, he would beat me up, but that is a story for another time. When I finally had money, my  Dad tracked me down and hit me up for money on a pretty regular basis."  Brian took a sip of his coffee as he allowed his mind to wander to a familiar memory of sitting with his Dad at the union hall.

"When my Dad would come by to ask for a "loan" he would insist on going to the union hall to show off his successful son.  Showing off meant that he would sit at the bar and order shots until he was drunk.  I knew he was an alcoholic, but yet I never told him to stop nor did I stop buying his drinks. I'm not sure what to think about my willingness to buy his drinks,"  Brian said.

Justin took a sip of his coffee as he listened to Brian.  "Sobriety is a personal choice.  Evidently, your father never made that choice."

"But what does that say about me?  I mean I knew he had a problem but I enabled him to drink." Brian said, shaking his head in frustration.

"Brian, recovery is complicated.  You are angry at yourself for enabling him to drink, despite knowing he was an alcoholic.  I also think you resent your anger because he hurt you and you don't want to forgive him for the things he did to you."

"I am angry at him.  He was abusive and manipulative. But I'm mad at myself too, for letting him get to me.  I mean, what does that say about me when I allow this leech to suck away my money and make me feel obligated to him?"

"There is a concept in AA about resentment and anger.  It's important for you to work through your feelings. Failure to forgive yourself and others can build up your resentment and sometimes that can increase your vulnerability to relapse."

"Shit!" Brian said as he shook his head in frustration.  "You mean these thoughts are fucking normal?  All part of recovery?"

"Brian, we've talked about the 12 steps.  Each step is successive.  You've been sober for almost three months.  Remember, though that there is no syllabus, and recovery is not a straight line.  People jump back and forth all the time.  It's not like you can say by day 50, I should be on Step 5 or I'm a failure."

"I know.  I know.  No syllabus that I get to check off that I've completed each assignment.  I just don't remember ever really talking about anger and resentment as being one of the steps,"  Brian said.

"It's not a step per se, but one of the many discussion topics suggested.  Acceptance, fear, hope, humility, freedom from drinking, making amends and letting go of anger are all topics for discussion.  The sobriety journey is filled with growth for the individual and despite my telling you that there is no syllabus, there are many topics that are discussed on a regular basis."  Justin took a drink of his coffee, enjoying the aroma and taste.  Brian had been correct about it being similar to the coffee at one of the diners they frequented.

"There are two kinds of anger: anger toward yourself and anger toward others.  Both can be destructive and need to be effectively dealt with," Justin said.

"So how do I deal with my anger?" Brian asked, again hoping for an easy answer on this difficult journey.

"You've already got the first step done.  Recognizing your anger is the first step to dealing with it.  Many people are angry but have difficulty recognizing the emotion,"  Justin said, acknowledging Brian's ability to identify this emotion.  "Identifying uncomfortable emotions is just as difficult as identifying pleasant ones.  Part of the difficulty in a person's sobriety journey is not hiding from their emotions; both the ones that make them upset as well as the ones that make them happy."

"I never really thought about emotions as being good or bad.  I generally just didn't like to feel either."

"That's not uncommon.  As alcoholics, we tend to hide from our emotions, choosing to bury them deep in a fog of alcohol," Justin said, including himself in the explanation.

"Okay.  I've identified the emotion, now what do I do with it?" Brian asked with a bit of frustration in his voice.

"Explore it.  Think about what it means to be angry or resentful.  Think what it would be like if you accepted your anger as well as what it would feel like if you carried it around with you," Justin said, encouraging Brian to understand his emotions.

"I'll have to think about that," Brian said.  He drank the remainder of the coffee in his cup, deciding that he wasn't going to refill it again.  They had drunk almost two pots and while caffeine didn't impair his sleep, he felt that water might be a better choice at this time.  He stood up and walked to the kitchen grabbing several bottles of cold water from his fridge.  He sat down on the couch and opened his bottle after he placed the other cold bottle in front of Justin.  "I'm done with coffee, but you are welcome to have some more."

"No, water is good," Justin said as he picked up the bottle and twisted the cap off, taking a swig of the cold water.

"So you are saying that I have to figure out why I'm angry?" Brian asked, clarifying Justin's statement.

"Yes. Identifying the emotion is a good start, but you have to take it a bit further.  Emotions are a funny thing.  You control them.  No one tells you how to feel.  Think of a brand new car and driving it off the lot for the first time.  Most people feel a sense of elation and most people would say they were happy with their purchase.  The car didn't make them happy or sad, they are happy or sad because they interpret their reaction to buying the car.  If I drink your coffee, it makes me happy because it tastes good, but the coffee didn't make me happy or sad." Justin explained.

"So you are saying emotions are the way I interpret events?" Brian asked.

"Exactly.  I have no control to make you happy or sad or angry or frustrated.  You interpret what happens to you into emotions." Justin agreed, excited that Brian caught on so quickly.

"That's an interesting concept.  I guess it makes sense.  I get to decide how I react to an event.  I could choose to be angry or annoyed or I could choose to not feel anything.  I tried not feeling anything for so long.... I guess that is why I turned to alcohol.  I didn't want to feel."

"Drinking is often a way people cope with uncomfortable feelings or to escape from dealing with their feelings.  I didn't like that I felt anger at my father for throwing me out.  Instead of facing my father, I retreated into the bottle, literally bottling up my feelings," Justin said.

Brian took another sip from his water bottle, twirling it in his hand, feeling the coldness on his fingers.  "I am angry that I have feelings for a man that mistreated me, but I'm not really mad for supporting his drinking habits.  When I look back at the situation, I think that I would rather placate him by having him drunk rather than having to talk with him about our past history."  Brian looked toward the bedroom where Gus was asleep and was thankful that he was not repeating the abuses he suffered as a child.  He had been so adamant that he would make a bad father as he had no role model, but he was finding that his son thought he was pretty fun to be around.  "I think I accepted that I couldn't turn back time and change what he did.  I just didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else what a lousy father he was.  It was easier to pretend his abuse didn't occur.  I may even have encouraged his drinking so that I wouldn't have to talk to him."  

"It's okay to be mad and it's okay not to be mad that you supported his drinking habits.  Emotions are not good or bad, they just are,"  Justin said, trying to help Brian work through this difficult discussion.

Brian nodded in agreement.  "I can label what I felt for him, but I also know that I can't change anything and hold on to those feelings doesn't serve any purpose."

"That is a healthy way to look at things.  Accepting things you cannot change will make your life a lot less complicated.  Having emotions and dealing with them is a huge step in your sobriety. When you deal with life's curves instead of hiding from them, it makes it easier to not reach for the bottle." Justin added.

"Another lesson in my sobriety journey.  Emotions are not good or bad and each person decides how they will react to any given event.  I can get mad if I want, but if I let that anger linger, I may turn to alcohol to deal with my emotions." Brian pondered his new way of thinking about emotions. 

"Great summary.  Of course, you do realize that nothing is ever so black and white.  Learning to recognize your emotions and dealing with them takes time and patience." Justin reminded him.

"Yeah, I know.  I guess this concludes our formal meeting.  Another discussion to add to my journey," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  

"Good.  I'm just going to throw these empties away. I'll be right back."  Justin finished his water and took the empty bottles to the kitchen.  He stretched his arms over his head and then crossed his arms in front of his chest a few times, easing the tightness in his shoulders.  He returned to the living room where he found Brian shutting down the computer and straightening the office area. He sat back down on the couch.

"I guess I should let you go.  Let you relax a bit.  It seems we are expected to go to a Bicycle Museum tomorrow. Who knew there was even such a thing in Pittsburgh?" Brian said as he joined Justin back on the couch.  "Unless you'd like to stay and watch a movie or something?  It seems a little early to call it a night and I'd like your company.  We seem to enjoy hanging out."

"Actually, I'd like that. You asked me to show you the town in hopes of inspiring new interests.  But I'd love to get to know about your current interests.,"  Justin said, hoping to get to know some of Brian's hobbies or interests.  Up to this point, Justin had made all the suggestions for activities and he was delighted that Brian was interested in sharing something that didn't have to do with his sobriety journey with him.  

Brian smiled.  He hadn't intended to ask Justin to hang out, but found that he liked the idea.  "I love old James Dean movies.  We could watch one if you'd like."

"Sure.  Sounds like a plan." Justin said as he settled back onto the couch and watched as Brian cued up the movie.