Brian went home, showered, changed, and arrived at the AA meeting before it was supposed to start.  Spotting Justin, he sat down and said, "Hi."

"Hi," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.  "Long day? Wasn't sure you were going to make it. It's almost 8:00."

"I'm here," Brian wasn't ready to tell Justin about his conversation with Ted.  He wanted some firm information before he discussed it. He was not one who had conversations on speculations.

The speaker welcomed everyone to the group and asked if there was anyone new there.  Brian had been attending AA for a little over a week and for some reason he didn't remember anyone ever asking that question.  He thought about the question and realized that he must not have been paying attention as it was a logical question and he was sure he would never have talked at that first meeting without a little prompting from a question like that.  

When no one raised their hand, the speaker said, "Tonight I'd like to talk about social outlets.  When I was drinking, I had a set of friends I always drank with and we would plan our activities around which bar we would hang out at after work.  They would have a few drinks and go home, but I would stay for a long time after they left and drink for hours. When I became sober, I quickly realized that my entire social structure was built around drinking.  At work, we talked about drinking and after work, we drank. I couldn't exactly quit my job, but I had to figure out a way to stay friends with my co-workers without drinking. Can someone share how they handled friendships when they got sober?"

"Hi, my name is Mary.  I had a similar problem.  My co-workers had no idea that I stayed at the bar for hours after they left.  I was always telling them that I was meeting someone a little later, and I was just going to hang out at the bar until it was time to go.  Of course, I never had anyone to meet. By the time I left the bar at night, I was too drunk to hold a conversation with anyone. One day, I wondered if would my co-workers would even socialize with me if I didn't go out drinking with them.  I suggested we set up a movie night instead of going drinking. A few of them said no, but the rest said yes. We all agreed on a movie and then went to dinner afterward. Since it was later in the evening, we all had appetizers and then went home.  I enjoyed myself. Of course, the next night they went to the bar again, but I decided to do something different. We go out about once a week and see a movie, so it turned out okay."

"Hi,my name is Tom.   I know, most of you are thinking why is that kid in here.  I started drinking when I was 14. When I think back on it, I really don't know what possessed me to drink, but for a long time that was what I did.  I had friends in high school and we got together to drink. We'd brag in the morning how much liquor we consumed and on Mondays, it was a big deal to brag about the parties we went to and how shitfaced we got.  One night my best friend and I went to a party and got drunk. I drove home. We crashed. We both survived, but he has a brain injury from being thrown out of the car. That woke me up. I was 18, and I knew I needed to change my life, or that would be me.  My friends still continued to drink and weren't interested in other activities, so I was on my own to fill my time. I hadn't done really well in school, mostly because I was drinking and not studying. I went back to school, got my GED, and now I'm in college.  I've met a lot of people and actually gotten to make some good friends. When all your conversations surround drinking, it doesn't bode well to the types of people you connect with.

The members of the group all clapped after Tom's story.  It was always great to hear about someone who had literally turned his life around.  Justin watched Brian during the meeting. He'd done a little more reading about sponsors and realized that part of the role of sponsorship was to encourage the sponsoree to share.  Many sponsors encouraged this process out of group since it felt safer, especially early on in recovery. Once the addict had some success at sobriety and was starting to work the steps, oftentimes they opened up in meetings.  Justin knew that Brian had friends but he wanted to know a little more about their friendships.

"Hi, I'm Bob.  I think everyone has friends that they drink with.  I think it is the fate of the alcoholic to decide if the friends he drinks with can be friends without the alcohol.  I drank with my colleagues after work, just like you Mary. But then, I'd go home and have a cocktail with my wife, wine with dinner, an after dinner drink and of course, I would have a drink or three while I was watching TV.  I can't exactly stop seeing my wife, although when I was drinking, I think she had many a night where she thought about that option. I could easily stop going out for drinks after work, but I wanted to keep my marriage so cutting her out of my life wasn't an option.  Now that I'm sober, we don't keep alcohol in the house and we've started going to movies or out in the evenings.

"Thank you all for sharing.  Each of us has to look at our relationships and determine if the friends we have are ones that we associate with drinking.  If they are, it is important to determine if we can stay sober when we are with them. Change and examining our lives are both part of the process of sobriety.  We have to accept that we may need to pick new friends, change our routines, and rethink what we want out of life if we want to be successful in our journey to sobriety.  On that note, many AA groups hold social activities as well as meetings. I'd like us to think about participating in a social activity on a non meeting night. We can start to develop new friendships with people who will not participate in drinking as part of the event.  As always, coffee is in the back and I encourage you to greet at least one person tonight after our meeting," said the leader.

Brian and Justin walked back to the coffee station, but didn't head toward the line.  Instead Justin tilted his head toward the door and Brian nodded his head in agreement.

"I fucking felt like I was on the playground in kindergarten. Say hi to the person you are sitting next to so we can all be friends," Brian said, the memory obviously not a pleasant one.  Several people glanced at them, but no one stopped to say hi as the two men left the building.

"It can be a very helpful activity.  Sometimes giving people permission to say hi and introduce themselves is the missing piece for people to start a connection with someone new,"  Justin said. He didn't want to lecture Brian but at the same time he wanted to share his opinion. He started waking toward the door, nodding at several members as they passed.  Many of them were still heading toward the back where the proverbial old coffee station was located, but he and Brian were headed out of the meeting.

"When someone starts attending AA, it can be really intimidating.  There is a lot of self talk that goes on before a person attends a meeting.  ‘What is a meeting like? Will I be the wall flower in the group? Will anyone care that I'm here?"  No one wants to admit to fear of rejection when they enter a meeting, but it is often in the back of their minds.  The person has often hit rock bottom in their life; personally and or professionally. They have lost a lot, if not most everything they cared about.  They are feeling desperate and need a helping hand, but they don't want to be judged. Oftentimes, the people they care about have turned away from them as a result of their drinking and they are incredibly vulnerable.  A little encouragement by the leader to say hi and introduce yourself gives the newcomer an acceptable way to meet people." They were not out of the building and walking side by side but Justin wasn't sure he still had all of Brian's attention.  He could feel the tension coming off the man and wanted him to understand that making new friends and starting over was an integral part of the AA meeting process. "If the leader says it's okay and something you should do, then participants will usually follow the  suggestion. You may not remember your first meeting much, but the leader suggested that everyone welcome the newcomers and if they saw someone they didn't recognize they should make them feel welcome. It happens at most meetings," Justin said as they walked toward the coffee shop.  They walked in silence for a few minutes. It was dark now; the sun having set shortly after the meeting started. There was traffic on the street, but it was less busy than earlier in the evening. The street lights glowed and cast a shimmering light on the two men. It was the perfect spring night, not too cold and not hot yet from the oppressive Pittsburgh heat.  

"So is that why you approached me,.... On that first night?" Brian asked.  He didn't want to be a charity case and hoped Justin wasn't attending meetings with him as a mandate from his sponsor, Jeremy. "I'm not some loser who needs help to talk to people."  Brian was tempted to turn around and walk back to his car, but knew if he did that he would head straight toward Woody's or Babylon and throw away all of his progress to date. He took a deep breath and continued walking next to Justin, but he wasn't 100% sure he would continue to do so.

Justin bristled at Brian's tone and recognized it as a defense mechanism.  This man was complicated. "Brian, I like people and I wanted to help someone who was newly sober.  My sponsor was instrumental in my journey, and I can't begin to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't said hi at my first meeting.  I don't meet you every night out of pity; that would hurt our relationship and I wouldn't be very effective sponsor."

"So now I'm a project for you?"  Brian said, the anger in him rising.  He could feel his neck and back tensing.  He was not much for social engineering and didn't want anyone's pity.  Pity made his dick soft and he was already woefully deficient in the number of times he was getting his cock sucked these days.  

Justin stopped walking and said, "Brian, stop. Look at me and listen."  He wanted to reach out and touch Brian, physically turn Brian toward him, but he wanted Brian to be in control, to choose to listen, and not just follow a suggestion.  He waited what seemed like several minutes, but was most likely only 30 seconds, before Brian stopped walking and turned toward Justin. Luckily, the sidewalks were fairly empty at that time of night and they didn't have to keep moving out of the way of other walkers.

"I'm not here to pick a fight with you.  I'm not here to wave a magic wand and watch you transform like Cinderella.  I'm not here to watch you spin out of control and go back to drinking either.  You're an interesting man with a problem that I can relate to. Been there, done that.  We are both professionals and I understand some of your struggles. I like people and I want to see you succeed in this journey.  I'm hoping that we can be friends. But if you aren't comfortable with me being your sponsor, then please go find someone else. This isn't about me; it's about you and your journey toward sobriety. You need a sponsor you can trust and share things with."

Brian listened to Justin and nodded his head.  "Okay," he answered and resumed walking.

Justin had hoped for a little more insight into what was going through Brian's mind to cause him to snap like that, but he accepted his answer and they continued to the diner.  Once inside the diner, they were seated toward the back as usual. Brian wondered if they gave off a vibe that they wanted a little privacy, but wasn't going to analyze yet another thing in his life.  

The waitress came a few minutes later with glasses of water and asked if they were ready to order.  Justin had picked up the menu that was on the table immediately upon their being seated. He had turned it over several times as if he was looking at his last meal and had to ensure that he chose well.  Finally, he put the menu down and said, " I'll have the cherry cheesecake with some cheese fries. Bring them out together."

The waitress wrote his order down and looked toward Brian.  "And for you, sir?"

"I'll have a turkey burger, no bun with a side salad.  Oil and Vinegar on the side."

"Okay.  Do you want your salad now or with your meal?"

"With the meal is fine."

"Turkey burger.  I don't think I've ever seen you eat real food.  Usually you just order, coffee," Justin said. He wanted to get their conversation back on a less volatile footing and a small comment about Brian's order seemed to be a good way to handle this situation.

"You really are a people observer.  I couldn't tell you what I had for lunch much less what anyone else had.  Actually, I'd have to really think about whether or not I even ate with anyone or actually ate lunch," Brian admitted.

"Well, did you eat lunch?"  Justin asked, still trying to ease Brian back to the hot topic they were discussing earlier.

Brian thought for a moment and said, "Yeah.  My assistant brought be a sandwich from the diner across the street,"  Brian said. "Why are we discussing my eating habits? I really don't think that those are part of my sobriety."

"Fair enough.  We were talking about social outlets at the meeting.  Many people go out for a meal with friends as a common social outlet.  Do you eat out with your friends?" Justin asked. This was hopefully a good segway to what he did with his friends.

"Sometimes.  Well, yeah, I eat at the diner a lot.  There is a group of us that go there every Sunday morning and there a lot of days I eat there for breakfast too.  Debbie works there."

"Debbie.  She's your sort of surrogate mom?" Justin asked, trying to mentally draw a diagram of Brian's social structure.

"Yeah.  Food isn't all that great, but it's a place for all of us to meet."

"That's great.  I don't imagine you are drinking at breakfast? It's important to have friends that you don't associate with drinking," Justin asked, pleased that Brian appeared to have a good start on having activities that he did with his friends.

"Shit, no.  There isn't even any booze at the diner.  But we go there late at night too and sometimes before we go out."  The waitress brought their food and Brian took a sip of his coffee, putting more creamer and sugar in it before he took another drink.

"So you go out with these same friends?  What do you do when you go out?" Justin was getting excited as it appeared that Brian had some activities that he could rely on to fill his time now that he wasn't drinking.  His friends appeared to already be participating in activities that didn't involve drinking.

"We go to Woodys and Babylon.  You know the bars on Liberty Avenue," Brian said, getting a far away look when he mentioned his old stomping ground. He missed hanging out at Woody's and Babylon.  It wasn't just the drinking and drugging, but that was a part of it. He missed the thumpa thumpa of the music as it thrummed through his body. He missed the smell and sight of a 100 men and their sweaty bodies as they danced to the music.  He missed the conquest of taking guys to the back room.

"Do you drink when you go to Woody's and Babylon?"  Justin asked. He'd been to the bars on Liberty enough to know that drinking was common.  He was impressed that Brian was going to the bars where alcohol was ever present and maintaining his sobriety.

Brian took a bite of his turkey patty and looked at Justin as if he'd grown two heads. He had known this day was coming, but he really hadn't been able to think about it.  It was one of those many half thoughts that he couldn't ever finish.

"Justin.  I drank every night.  I worked, went to the gym, and then went to Woody's and often to Babylon.  Getting home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning was common place for me. All my friends hang out at Woody's and Babylon.  I saw them every night at the bars. Sure, I saw them at the diner for breakfast or Sunday morning, but my life was at the bars."

Justin ate a french fry as he rethought his earlier assumptions.  Sure Brian had friends and they did see each other a lot, but it appeared he was now at loose ends when it came to his typical activities.  

"Oh," Justin said, as much at a loss as Brian was.  "Are you still going to Babylon and Woody's? I would imagine that is hard to do with all the liquor there."

The moment of truth had come.  "I don't go. Too much temptation, but I miss it.  Not just the drinking. I miss the whole experience.  It was my existence, and I honestly don't know if I can stay away forever.   The speaker tonight talked about finding friends that you can do things with, ones that are not involved in activities that involve drinking.  Babylon and Woody's are more than places to drink for me. They are my life."

A million thoughts ran through Justin's mind as he listened to Brian.  Things were about to get very complicated and he needed to help Brian. The 64,000 dollar question was how to help him keep his friends, find a life outside of the bars and develop new ways to spend his free time.  It was a tall order and he had no idea where to start.

TBC