Brian got in his car and drove toward his home. It was 5:30 and the meeting he usually attended didn't start until 7:00. He hadn't said anything to anyone but Ted about his visit to Beroes, fearing that he would be disappointed with the outcome. Now that he'd been assured that he had full legal protection of his rights to have Gus in his life, he wanted to celebrate. Before his journey into sobriety, he would head straight for Woody's where he would order a shot or three of Beam. He could remember the taste and slight burn of the Beam as it would slide down his throat, and then he would feel the tingling in his body as the alcohol hit his bloodstream. He wasn't sure how to celebrate without booze. He couldn't really see himself shouting from the rooftops or barging into the diner sharing his news.
Sitting in his jeep, he pulled out his phone and pushed the number 4 on the display.
"Hello," Ted said as he answered the call.
"What do you do to celebrate?" Brian asked. He didn't provide any background information, just assumed Ted would figure it out without him having to spell it out.
"Um. Ah." Ted wasn't expecting the question and was finding it difficult to put words into a sentence.
"Hi Brian, I guess your meeting went well," Ted said, trying to stall for time as he thought of an answer.
"I really want a drink to celebrate, but I know that's not a good idea. So, I will ask you again. What do you do to celebrate?" Brian said, hoping to get some ideas.
"Blake and I often do something special together. If it is a big celebration, we might go to an upscale restaurant or buy something for the condo. A really big celebration might have us buying tickets to an opera, maybe going out of town to see a show. Sometimes we go to the store and buy the ingredients for a special meal. We like cooking together. We often make love as a way to celebrate, too."
Brian listened but nothing Ted said would work for him. He ate at upscale restaurants frequently, especially when entertaining clients. He didn't like Opera, and while he enjoyed the theatre, he didn't attend very often. He traveled a lot for his job, so going out of town was a hassle he'd rather avoid. Sex was a different animal now. He was used to using sex as a way to forget what he was feeling, not celebrate.
"Lindsay can't keep Gus away from me and I want to celebrate. For the first time since he was born, I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells." Brian's eyes lit up at the thought of dropping in at any time and taking Gus for an adventure. He knew the law would stand behind him. He was slightly reluctant to push the issue as Kera had suggested, but now that he thought about it, he liked the idea a lot.
"That's great news. I know you're relieved. I could come over and we could go to dinner," Ted said offering his time without being asked.
"No, thanks. I'm going to a meeting in an hour or so. Thanks for gathering all the financials," Brian said as he looked down at the manila envelope lying on the seat beside him. He was incredibly thankful that Ted was so meticulous, keeping all the records involving Gus and the money that Brian provided to the munchers. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"If you're sure. I'm really okay with meeting you somewhere." Ted understood how vulnerable Brian was at this time, even if Brian didn't recognize it. Brian celebrated as well as commiserated with liquor; he didn't discriminate. Either reason was cause for a drink. He was a watcher, especially of Brian, and could read his moods very well. He doubted Brian consciously understood his habits. He would gladly talk to his friend about his observations and decided that he might bring up the topic in the next few days. He hung up the phone and went to find Blake. He wanted to celebrate Brian's good news as it impacted more than just Brian. When Brian was happy, the office ran much smoother.
"No, thanks. I think I'll go shopping for a bit. Treat myself to a new pair of shoes."
Brian hung up and sat in his car for a few minutes as he thought about Ted's suggestions. Every one of them involved having someone else to share the celebration. While he had called Ted to share the news, he hadn't really thought about an answer. His primary focus was sharing the information. When did Ted become the person I wanted to share news with? My first impulse was to have a drink, but that quickly went away. Then I realized that I wanted to tell someone, and Ted came to mind.
Picking up his phone, he hit the contact for Justin, hoping he would pick up.
"Hello," came the familiar voice. "Everything okay? We have a meeting in less than an hour. Are you not going to make it?" Justin asked, worried that something had happened to Brian.
"I'm good. I went to the law office today and found out that I have full legal rights to my son. No matter what happens, Lindsay can't keep him from me,"
"That's great news. I know that you were really worried about Gus. You should celebrate," Justin said. "What would you like to do?"
"That's the problem. I have no idea. Used to be, I would go out and have a drink, but that is probably not a good idea. I asked my friend Ted what he did to celebrate, but everything he suggested was not appealing," Brian said, letting go of some of the tension in his body. He could finally experience the relief he felt. While he had explained his anxiety regarding Gus to Ted and Justin, finally having a definitive positive answer brought him relief.
"When something exciting happens to me, I go to the Carnegie Art Museum and walk around. Seeing other people's work often inspires me but it also gives me joy. I could sit there for hours. Is there anything that just really makes you happy?"
Brian hesitated for a few minutes before saying softly, "I don't have a clue what makes me happy. I've never thought about it. "
"Are you coming to the meeting tonight? We could talk about it afterward," Justin said.
"Ok. See you in a bit," Brian said as he started the car up and drove toward the meeting. He had been so relieved after talking to the lawyer, but now his tension was returning. He was beginning to realize that he had no idea how to really live his life outside its traditional confines. His life had consisted of two parts; work and tricking. After work he would go to Woody's for a few beers, and then to Babylon, searching for a few tricks. He didn't really think about why he went to either place, it just was what he wanted to do. When he had a day off, he was often at a loss on how to spend his time. His life was a series of activities; the majority of which did not give him much joy. He loved landing a new account, but the elation was often short lived as he was always having to fight for the next account. By the same token, he loved spending time with Gus, but that was also short lived, since Lindsay parcelled out his time with his son. Now that might change and he was happy about that development.
He drove to the meeting, parking the car in the lot across from the community center. Today was Wednesday and tomorrow he had planned on going to Woody's and or Babylon with Justin. He's been so caught up in gathering all the financials to take to the lawyer, the days had flown by. Part of him wanted to skip the meeting and just talk to Justin about tomorrow, but he dismissed the idea. Brian Kinney was not a lesbian and did not talk everything to death.
He walked into the community center and saw Justin grabbing a cup of coffee at the back table.
"Hey," Brian said as he grabbed a styrofoam cup for himself. After pouring himself a cup of coffee, he placed his normal three sugars and two creams in the cup. "I know, it's more a candy drink than coffee, but that's how I drink it." Brian took a sip and smiled at the bittersweet taste of the brew.
"To each his own. How you drink your coffee is not a big deal. I already know you are a coffee snob. Let's sit down, it's almost time to start." Justin walked toward the front of the room where a circle of metal chairs were placed.
The speaker started out the meeting in the usual way, asking if there was anyone new. Today a young blond woman raised her hand about half way and said, "I am."
"Welcome. "I'm Calvin. We all use our first names during the meeting. What's your name?"
"Sabrina."
Everyone in the group said, "Hi Sabrina."
Calvin asked if Sabrina would like to talk about why she was here tonight, but Sabrina said no.
Calvin said, "There is no requirement to talk or share, but hopefully one day you will feel comfortable and want to do both." Calvin could see many of the group members nodding in agreement. Many of them probably remembering when they were new and scared to talk.
"I was talking to a friend yesterday about sobriety. He said that being sober was an easy decision since his life had been so impacted by his drinking that he had nowhere to go but up. However, he said it was harder to tell the people in his life that he'd changed. I'd like to explore sharing your sobriety. Anyone want to start?" Calvin asked.
"Hi, I'm John. I'll start. I had tried to quit drinking at least half a dozen times. Sometimes I told myself that I'd stop, and other times I promised my wife I would stop. Unfortunately, after the first few times of failure, neither of us believed my words. Finally attending AA made a difference. While I'm gone a few nights a week attending meetings, I don't come home smelling like a brewery. She believes me now." The small circle of people clapped politely. "It was a little different with other people. When I told my best friend that I stopped drinking, he tried to get me to go for a drink with him. He had a hard time believing that I really wanted to stop."
Brian nodded his head in understanding. He could see Michael and Lindsay doing the same thing. Their picture of him involved the playboy; always picking up tricks and drowning his feelings in booze.
"So how did you convince him that you'd changed?" Justin asked.
"I kept saying no. After about the 3rd or 4th time, he quit asking me. Our relationship is different. He had this vision of me and now its changed."
"Hi, I'm Mary," said the woman sitting directly across from John. She had on a red sweater and jeans. She didn't wear any makeup and there were gray strands streaking her mossy brown shoulder length hair. "When I told my boss that I needed some time off for detox, he was very supportive. I never told my colleagues. I've listened to them talk at lunch about people they knew who were drinking. The conversations were often very negative. I didn't want to risk them talking about me that way."
"Thanks Mary," Calvin said.
Brian thought about how Emmett and Ted had reacted to his sobriety. They had been supportive, but he thought back to the reason he was sitting here in the room tonight. "I'm Brian. I've only told a few people, but I haven't told more of my family because I thought that they would use the information against me. I was afraid that my son's mother would try to keep my son away from me. She would twist my AA attendance as grounds that I was unsafe and he shouldn't be with me," Brian said. He was shocked that he shared this information. He'd been talking to Justin every night after meetings for several weeks and since he hadn't self destructed, he was discovering a lot of things about himself. He'd started to examine many areas of his life. Each day he was discovering the benefits of sobriety.
"Brian, that's very scary. We always hope that our sobriety serves as a basis for having better lives," Calvin said. Looking around the small group, he noticed several heads nodding in agreement.
"I decided to be proactive. I just came from speaking with a lawyer who assured me that she would have no grounds to stop me from seeing my son. She can't use my sobriety against me," Brian said.
"I'm excited for you. It sounds like he is very important to you," Mary said.
"Hi, I'm Sam," said a man who sat next to Brian. He wore a gray business suit with a red and blue striped tie. His face was bronzed, looking like he either just returned from a sunny clime or he used a tanning booth recently. "I can identify with you, Brian. My ex knew I drank and she limited my access to my kids, citing safety as a concern. When I told her that I was sober, she still tried to use my history of drinking as an excuse to keep me from spending time with them. The courts can be helpful."
Brian was excited to hear about a success story similar to his own. He knew there would be repercussions with Lindsay, especially when the bank of Brian closed for business. His bigger concern was for Gus. He still hadn't figured out what spending more time with Gus would look like, but he knew it could only get better.
The big hurdle would be tomorrow when he went to Woody's and Babylon. How would Michael handle the information?
Calvin said, "Thanks for sharing. Our first goal is to admit to ourselves that there is a problem and we need help. Once we seek help, telling others in our lives is important since we need their support in our journey. Without the support of our family and friends, sobriety is difficult."
"I'm Justin and I've been sober for a year. Meetings are a great support, but they are only an hour a day. Without my family's support, I don't think I would have gotten through the other 23 hours," Justin said.
"Drinking impacts the family and each person has a role in your life," Calvin said. He raised his right hand, splaying his fingers so everyone could see them. He tapped his thumb with the index finger of his left hand. "Is someone enabling you to drink by making excuses for your behavior?" He tapped his index finger with the index finger of his left hand. "Is there a person who works behind the scenes to keep everyone happy?" He tapped his middle finger with the index finger of his left hand. "Is there someone in your life who participates in destructive behavior to draw attention away from you? Whether your "family" is biological or not, there are often roles that people play," Calvin said as he explained common roles seen in families with an alcoholic member.
"Understanding the roles of your family is critical to sharing your sobriety. They also need to understand their part and how it impacts your sobriety. AL Anon and Al Ateen are both excellent groups that address how drinking has impacted the family unit and how they can assist you in this journey," Calvin said. He drank a sip from his styrofoam cup, and continued.
"Even if they are not interested in attending, you need to understand that your sobriety impacts them as well as you. They are used to their role in your life, and when you change they are often at a loss as to how to act. They may deny there was an issue with your drinking because they liked feeling needed in your life. Dynamics change when you stop drinking," Calvin said. He looked around the group and saw many nodding heads.
"My agent really wanted me to maintain sobriety. She helped me devise a strategy for attending openings where alcohol was served. I couldn't stay away from them since they are a must in my profession. Her support was critical for my success," Justin said. "I'm not very close to my biological family so there weren't any changes on that front."
Calvin said, "This has been a great discussion, as always. Coffee is in the back and we'll see you next week. Remember, support is critical in your journey. We all need someone at our back."
Brian sat in his chair, not moving toward the back where the coffee table was located. He was mulling over Calvin's words. He couldn't wait to discuss the meeting with Justin. Justin watched Brian; he could see he was deep in thought.
"Brian, do you want to go somewhere and celebrate?"
Brian looked at him, having forgotten his earlier phone call. "Actually, I think I'd rather go for a coffee and talk. Tonight's talk was very eye opening in many ways." Brian listened to his words and was slightly surprised. He just asked someone to talk.
"Okay. Sounds good. Do you remember the coffee shop around the corner?" Justin asked.
"Sure. I'll meet you there."
Both men walked to their cars and met at the coffee shop 15 minutes later. They were seated at the back at Brian's request.
The waitress came by and asked what they wanted to drink and both men requested coffee. She told them she'd be back to take their order.
As they waited for their coffee, they perused the menu. She came back a few minutes later.
"What can I get for you gentlemen?" she asked.
Brian said, "I'll have a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with lettuce and tomato. Put mayonnaise on the side. I'll have a bowl of minestrone soup for my side."
Justin said, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries."
"I'll put your orders in. They should be right up."
Brian took the sugar and cream on the table and prepared his coffee. Justin smiled as he watched the meticulous preparations and prepared his own coffee as well.
"Tonight was really eye opening. I never thought about the roles that my "family" play." He made an air quote when he said the word family. "Both my parents were drunks, so I'm not sure who enabled who. I know I sure as hell didn't try to keep the family together. Once I was old enough to escape on my own, I stayed away as much as possible."
"Did you know that people who have alcoholic parents are much more prone to developing alcohol problems themselves?" Justin asked.
"Another thing to thank dear ole mom and dad for," Brian said, the sarcasm in his voice evident even to the casual observer.
"But they're not the ones I'm talking about. Michael is an enabler and Lindsay is probably one too. They both encourage my "bad" behavior." Brian put air quotes on the word bad. I've told you about my concerns in telling Michael. He often took me home from the bars when I was too drunk or high to get there on my own. He sees it as his way of keeping me safe. But I really think it is the only way that he feels important."
Justin took a sip of his coffee. He hoped that tonight's meeting would get Brian thinking about his friends. Justin had not tried to push the envelope on this topic, preferring to wait until Brian came to the conclusions on his own. "Tell me why you think that way."
"Michael and I have been friends since we were 14. I'm a successful businessman, but Michael works in retail. He isn't really that successful in life. I think he needs to feel important and by hanging on my coat tails, he has a role in keeping me successful. He can't compete in my business world, but he can make himself valuable in my personal life by caring for me when I can't." Brian took a sip of his coffee and picked up his spoon to stir it a bit more. Looking around the coffee shop, he noticed that most of the patrons were gone at this hour. He was glad for the feeling of privacy.
"Now that I'm not drinking, I don't need him to get me home and keep me safe. He's lost his connection to me and his feeling of importance."
"I've never met Michael, but that makes sense. Do you think he will be a problem tomorrow night? Push you to drink so he can feel important again?"
"I could see that happening," Brian said and frowned. "I guess I need to figure this out beforehand."
The waitress brought their food. "It's hot. Be careful. Don't want you burning yourself." She smiled at them and refilled their coffee cups. "Let me know if you need anything. My name is Melissa."
Brian picked up his sandwich and took a bite of it. Remembering that there was no mayo on it, he put it down and took off the top piece of bread, putting mayo on it, and then repeated the action on the other piece of bread. He put the sandwich together and took another bite. "Much better," he said.
"I can hear him now. Brian, its only one drink. One drink isn't going to hurt you. You always drink at Babylon. Do you want me to find Anita. I'm sure she has some good stuff you can take." Brian cringed as he heard Michael's familiar voice in his head.
"That sounds like it could be a problem. What do you want to do?"
"Calvin said we have to think about other people's roles in our lives as they are impacted by our drinking too. I guess I need to talk to him before we go to Babylon. Maybe I should start with Woody's first and not go to Babylon."
"Your call. I'll do whatever you want."
Brian thought for a minute, shaking his head. "No. It isn't going to change and I miss dancing and picking up tricks. Sure, I can do that at Woody's, well the tricking part. But I just need to talk to Michael first. I'll stop by his shop in the afternoon. That should be a fun conversation. NOT."
"Do you know what your going to tell him?" Justin asked, understanding that this would be a critical conversation.
Brian looked at Justin, realizing that this might be the most important conversation he would have in the next few weeks. Unless he could get Michael on board, he would most likely be unsuccessful. But did Brian really want Michael to have that kind of power over him? Did he want anyone to have that kind of power?
"I think he needs to hear a lot of things. Maybe the first thing he needs to understand is that he cannot continue to be my saviour."
"Your saviour?" Justin asked. He was pushing Brian, but felt he was ready to commit to a path of sobriety and responsibility.
"I need him to understand that I can take care of myself and that I am responsible for my own behavior. I think he needs to understand that I want sobriety."
"That sounds all very noble. Do you think he will listen?" Justin asked, wishing that he could make this easier but understanding that until Brian learned to stand up for his own needs, he would be unsuccessful. He took another bite of his cheeseburger, enjoying the melted cheese mixed with pickles and onions. The coffee shop was really more of a diner and he thought their cheeseburgers could beat the flavor of most upscale restaurants in town.
"I don't know, but I really need him to believe that I want this. I guess it boils down to the consequences. If he pushes me to drink, then he is pushing me to not be the best person I can be," Brian said as he explained what he finally was grasping from the meeting today.
"Enablers have a role in sobriety. They make excuses for the alcoholic, accepting the behavior. Michael seems to have been your enabler."
"Yes. He definitely makes excuses for my behavior. In his eyes, he thinks I can do no harm and no one can convince him otherwise. While I do enjoy the hero worship, I think it is time for me to be a normal human being again," Brian said.
"Brian, he has a role in your life. When you tell him you are sober; he will lose that role as your enabler. Tread carefully," Justin said, urging caution.
"So do you think I need to figure out a way for him to be in my life without the caregiving?" Brian asked.
"That is your call. Meeting our own needs is hard enough without trying to meet other people's needs," Justin said before he took another bite of his cheeseburger. He took another sip of his coffee and then looked at Brian. "Tell me what you want to do and I will support you."
"I guess the decision depends on what role I want Michael to play in my life. I know I can't let him be the enabler any more. Let me think on it. There's another meeting tomorrow night and I can make up my mind afterward. Liberty avenue doesn't get hopping before 11:00." Brian had finished his turkey sandwich and soup; although he really couldn't tell you what either of them tasted like. He always left his meetings with Justin with more questions than answers.
"Sounds like a plan. But back to my original question of the evening. Do you want to do something to celebrate your legal counsel?" Justin asked. He knew Brian had been very excited when he called this afternoon and he didn't want the man to go home feeling like it had been an empty victory.
Brian looked at Justin and saw his sincerity and appreciated that he only wanted to help him, rather than be with him for a personal reason. Justin didn't see Brian as an asshole or a partier. He saw him as a man who struggled with alcohol and who he wanted to help. Justin's only altruism was that he believed in Brian and wanted him to be successful in his sobriety journey.
"No. I'm good. I think tomorrow will be the day to celebrate. By then, I will have made up my mind what to do about Gus, Lindsay and Michael. We've talked about all three of them so it is not a rash decision on my part. Now that I have a clearer picture, I think I can make some decisions." Brian waved to Melissa and mouthed the words check.
She returned to the table a few minutes later, bringing two checks. "Pay at the counter whenever you're ready. No rush. Have a good night and come back again." She smiled at both men and walked away.
Brian stood up as Justin did and leaned over to hug him. "Thanks, Justin. I value your unbiased opinion. I've got an early meeting tomorrow, so better be calling it a night."
Justin returned the hug, somewhat surprised at Brian's gesture. He smiled at Brian and said, "Later." They walked to the counter, paid their respective checks, and walked to the parking lot.
Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day for Brian Kinney and Justin hoped that he would make some sound decisions. Regardless, he was willing to support him in whatever way he could.
TBC