Brian went back to his Loft and worked for an hour or so before it was time to leave for Debbie's.  He had a hard time concentrating as thoughts of Justin swirled through his head.  He was already looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night.  If sobriety were as easy as meeting up with Justin, he could do this without any difficulties.

When Brian arrived at Debbie's he was greeted by Michael. 

"I'll get you a beer.  Ma's got some cold," Michael offered. 

Brian felt a cold chill run down his back.  It was a week ago today that he'd wrapped his car around the tree.  He was surprised that Mikey hadn't noticed the new ride, but luckily Mikey was often oblivious to small changes.  A cold beer sounded wonderful, but he saw Ted and Blake sitting on the sofa. While he knew they wouldn't say a word, their looks would be sufficient as to the choices he made. 

"I'm good Mikey," Brian said as he steered toward Gus.  "Hey, Sonny Boy.  What are you building?" Brian asked as he sat down next to the little boy playing on Debbie's floor.

"Momma bought me some new cars and a garage to put them in.  Play with me daddy," Gus said as he made noises with the car as he pushed it along the floor.

Brian was glad for the distraction and picked up a car, pushing it along the floor as well.  Michael left Brian playing with Gus as he had no interest in this activity.  He was still surprised at how much time Brian spent with the little boy considering he originally had no interest in children.  They played together until it was time to eat. 

As they sat around the table, many of the people had a glass of wine or a beer in front of their plate, but Brian continued to refuse the offers of liquor.  Ted and Blake nodded their heads imperceptibly in acknowledgment of Brian's choices.  The family didn't notice this silent communication, but Brian appreciated the silent support.  Each time Emmett's husband Drew would take a swig of his beer, Brian watched the man's throat swallow and he longed for a taste.  It didn't matter that the beer he was drinking was nothing special and one that Brian really didn't like, he yearned for the slight buzz it offered.  He imagined that any booze at this time would hit him pretty hard since he had abstained for a week.  He rethought his earlier statement that sobriety would be easy as long as he could see Justin at meetings might not be the case.

Brian ate a little of Debbie's lasagna, spending most of the evening talking with Gus.  He'd been spending more time with him as he got older and he really found that he enjoyed the interactions.  He would never have pegged himself for a father figure, but at 10 Gus still loved to hang out with his Dad.  He frequently told Brian that his moms were boring and always had stuff to do and that he would rather spend time with Brian.  They did a lot of things together; played video games, went to museums and Brian taught him how to play soccer.  Brian loved going to soccer games with his son and was really proud of his ability to play the game.  They spent a lot of time working on Gus's skills and Gus was thrilled that this was something that only he and his father did together.  His moms would occasionally come to his games, but he could always count on his dad to come to watch him play.

When dessert was served, Brian went outside to smoke.  He'd never been a sweet eater and no one ever expected him to eat dessert.  He walked out to the backyard and lit a cigarette,  inhaling the smoke into his lungs.  He always said it calmed him.  He really couldn't understand why smoking was not allowed at AA meetings, but there were always large signs forbidding smoking.  As he thought of AA, his mind turned again to Justin.  He wondered what he was doing and wondered how he spent the remainder of his Sunday.  Brian had no idea what Justin did when he wasn't attending meetings, but then again, Justin had no idea what Brian did either.  He guessed that really wasn't an issue since no one was supposed to know your last name.  He finished his cigarette and returned to the family gathering.  He was glad that Michael had not followed him to "chat" with him.  He didn't think he could really deal with him right now. 

The family talked and visited for another half hour and then everyone said their goodbyes, grabbing coats, toys or whatever they had brought to Debbie's.

As Brian was walking out the door, Michael yelled out, "Hey Brian, you joining us at Woody's?"

Brian stopped dead in his tracks.  He knew he couldn't go to Woody's.  Not yet.  He wasn't ready.  But on the other hand, he really did not relish the idea of another night staring at the four walls of his loft.

"No, I've got a big presentation tomorrow.  I need to head home to work on it," Brian said, knowing that this excuse would be acceptable.  Eventually, they would find out his dirty little secret, but not today.  Today, he was still Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue, the man who fucked and drank his way through life. 

"Okay," he said, accepting Brian's excuse. "See you Ma," Michael said as he walked toward the Avenue.

"Bri, you need any help on that presentation?" Ted said softly, keeping his voice low so no one would hear him.

Brian was caught off guard at Ted's question but recognized it for what it was.  "Sure," Brian said, appreciating the offer.  "It's the Kinko copy account.  You helped me with it in the fall."

"I remember that one.  I'll come by in an hour or so.  That work for you?"

"Sounds good.  I've got to swing by the store and get some batteries. The damn smoke alarm started beeping just as I was leaving this afternoon." Brian got in his car and went to the store to pick up batteries for the smoke alarm, that much of his conversation was true.  He did not have a campaign to work on and he was pretty certain Ted knew that.  He was thankful that Ted found a way to support him without spilling his secret.

After getting home, installing the batteries and changing into sweats, Brian was really at a loss for what to do with his time.  He couldn't remember there ever being a time where he had endless hours of free time at his disposal where he wasn't at the bars or baths.  His life usually consisted of going to work, going to the gym, and going to Woody's or Babylon.  Sometimes he went to the baths for a change of pace, but that was when he had a specific itch.  Of course, in the last several years more of his free time was spent with Gus, but he couldn't expect to have Gus become his go-to activity every time he wanted a drink.

Before he could ponder the idea any longer, the buzzer to his building went off.  Pressing the button in his loft, he let Ted into the building.  He was surprised to realize that he was relieved that Ted had offered to come by. 

Brian opened the door just as Ted opened the gate to the elevator.  Brian nodded his head slightly, inviting him in.  In his hands were a selection of movies, a plastic bag from the Big Q and a carry case with two cups of coffee.  He placed the items on Brian's island, glad that he didn't end up dropping anything on his way up.  Luckily he could drape the handles of the bags on his forearm so it left his hands mostly free.

"I come bearing gifts," Ted said. 

"What the hell did you buy at the Big Q that I could possibly want?  The crap emporium has absolutely nothing of value, even their toilet paper is crap."  Brian grabbed the coffee, seeing the steam coming out of the top.  He placed it on the counter and sat on the bar stool as he waited for Ted to explain.

Ted smiled at Brian's levity but didn't allow it to faze him.  Reaching into the bag, he pulled out several boxes and said, "These are Fidget Spinners."  Ted took out four Fidget Spinners and placed them on the counter."

"What the fuck is a Fidget Spinner and why in the world would I want one?  It looks like something a 6-year-old would play with."  Brian grabbed several packets of sugar from his sugar bowl on the counter and opened them, emptying them in his coffee.  It was still steaming, a little too hot to drink so he let it sit.

"Studies have shown that they calm anxiety, stress and help with focus.  When you are feeling stressed, instead of reaching for a drink, you can reach for one of these.  They are everywhere and no one will look at you oddly when you start playing with it," Ted explained.  "I have several items on my desk that I occasionally pick up and I know you have never thought twice about them."  Ted grabbed his coffee from the to go box and he also placed a packet of sugar in it and replaced the lid until it cooled to drinking temperature.

Brian looked at his CFO under a new light. He always knew Ted was brilliant when it came to numbers, but it seemed he had other talents as well.  "You use these?"

"Sometimes.  When I'm feeling stressed or like I want to use, sometimes I talk to Blake but other times I call my sponsor."  Ted took out his white chip from his pocket, showing it to Brian.  "I carry this every day.  I flip it in my pocket and it is a constant reminder of where I was and where I am now."  He placed the chip back in his pocket and looked at his friend.  "Bri, you've got your own white chip.  Remember how you got it and why.  Carry it in your pocket and it may help. There is no magic bullet in maintaining sobriety, just tenacity and the will to change your life.  Unfortunately, willpower is not the solution.  If it were just up to will power there would be no need for treatment programs and AA meetings.  It's a journey."

"Ted, you sound like you are recruiting me for some weird new age cult.  It's a journey.  It's a lifestyle. Really, do you expect me to believe that this sobriety thing is mystical."  Brian picked up his coffee, taking a tentative sip and smiled.  "Not bad.  Guess all those years of listening to me order coffee at the office paid off."

Ted opened one of the packages and laid it on the counter, hoping Brian would pick it up and play with it.  "Bri, if sobriety were that easy, why would there be a need for 15 different AA meetings every morning before the workday?  And there are easily 15 meetings during work as well as that many after work. Multiply that number by every major city in the world and that is a huge number.  It's tough and having someplace safe to go is a huge piece of being successful."

Brian picked up the gadget and fidgeted with it as he talked.  "You telling me that I got to recreate myself?"

"No.  I'm not telling you anything.  All I'm saying is that you need to accept that AA is work, as much work as we do at the office.  Its different work, it's working on your life and how you want to live it."  Ted had Brian's attention, they weren't at work and Brian had asked him to come to his home.  In Brian's way, he was asking for help.

"Honestly, Bri, what were your plans when you left Deb's?  I know we don't have a presentation tomorrow, but Michael knows you often bow out due to work and he accepted your excuse.  Normally you would go to Woody's, play pool, have a few beers, pick up several tricks, enjoy a few blow jobs and come home.  This is what you do most evenings. If you are going to remain sober, you are going to have to come up with activities that will occupy your time."

Brian realized his coffee was probably getting cold, so he took another drink, happy that it was still warm.  He listened to Ted, accepting that Ted did make a valid point, but he was at a loss to what he wanted his life to be like.

"Brian you don't need to make any changes today, tomorrow or next week.  One of the basic tenets of the 12 steps is that we take each day one at a time. If you try and make too many changes at once, you won't be successful. Change has to happen gradually."

"Enough lecture for one night.  Let's see what you brought in the way of movies," Brian said.  Brian was done talking, at least for the time being.  He knew that Ted had some valid points, but he didn't have a clue as to what he wanted out of life so he couldn't begin to fathom where to go next.

Brian chose The Escape of Prisoner 614.  They sat on the couch and watched the movie, not talking about sobriety or fidget toys.  After the movie, Ted said, " I'm getting tired and I better not oversleep.  My boss is a stickler for being on time to work."

Brian smiled and said, tongue in cheek,   "Well I guess you better go home and get to bed so you can be on time to work.  I'd hate to be the cause of you getting in trouble at work."

"Night, Bri," Ted said as he walked toward the door.

Brian opened the sliding door and let his friend out.  "Thanks for the fidget things and the movies."

Brian closed the door behind Ted and got ready for bed.

TBC