Bittersweet

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Justin awoke with a start.  He glanced around for a second before realizing that he was in the loft and Brian was sleeping next to him.  He stared out into the living room. Lights from the street illuminated the furniture that he knew so well. He couldn't believe he was actually back here.

He slid out from under the covers and retrieved his jeans.  He carried them down to the living room where he slipped them on. He went over to the windows and pushed back the curtains, looking out into the night.

It was all so familiar, yet so strange.  He had only been away from here for a few weeks, but it seemed like an eternity.  Dartmouth had nearly finished him. He knew on some level that he was drowning there, not academically, but personally.  His father had denied him the right to be himself. He shook his head. That wasn't exactly true. He had asked his father for help and had taken that help knowing the requirements his father put on it.  He couldn't really blame the man for demanding what he most wanted for his son, a normal life, just like his.

Justin smiled ruefully.  He had tried to live that 'normal' life, but he had been so lonely, so empty.  Tonight he had been happy for the first time in weeks, months even. The last time he remembered actually being happy was the night Brian apologized for pissing on Rage and offered to help launch an internet ad campaign for the comic.  He remembered Brian bumping his shoulder in tacit recognition that he had made a big mistake and was trying to correct it. They had fucked like rabbits after Michael went home. He had thought everything would be all right after that, but gradually Brian grew more remote and Ethan began to look better and better.  That wasn't really true either. He let those things happen. He should have spoken up for himself, told Brian what was wrong, and demanded that they fix it. He had made so many mistakes. He looked at Brian asleep in the bed and wondered if he was making another one.

He could still go back to Dartmouth and his father would be none the wiser.  He had gotten a last chance from his father. He wouldn't get another one. But was that what he wanted?  To live his life in isolation, pretending to be straight and studying business. He didn't think so.

Was this the life he wanted, living in the loft with Brian?  It certainly was. All he had ever wanted since he had met the man was to be with Brian, to love him and to make love with him.  The problem was that he didn't know what Brian wanted. He didn't know what Brian expected from their relationship, but he didn't think it was very likely that Brian wanted the same things he did.

He sighed.  He had a lot of decisions to make in a big hurry.  He was going to have to talk seriously to Brian, make him listen, and make him answer some tough questions.  He wondered if he had the stamina to do it. That granite façade that Brian wore around his emotions was extremely difficult to penetrate.  It could grind you down in no time.

He walked away from the windows, allowing the curtains to flutter back down.  He looked at the couch and remembered the day Brian had told him to collect his shit and get the fuck out after the loft had been burgled.  He also remembered the day Brian was spanking him when Mel and Lindsay walked in. He smiled at that memory. He wandered over to the chaise and thought about ice cream kisses.  Sometimes he and Brian were so good together.

He looked at the dining room table and remembered jambalaya.  He made a face as he thought of Hotlanta and how Brian flaunted what they were going to do right in front of him.  Then they had had jambalaya together the next night, almost like an actual couple for the first time.

He looked at the hardwood and saw the disastrous picnic on the floor that he had tried to force Brian to share.  That was an Ethan thing, not a Brian thing. He should have known better. He had wanted Brian to respond the way Ethan had with quiet attention and soft words.  Brian had gone to Babylon leaving him alone, and he had gone to Ethan to be together for the first time. What a disaster!

He remembered the other disaster on the floor, when he had come home from Ethan's smelling of sex and another man.  Brian had shoved him to the floor and kissed him. He had been so turned on as Brian tore off his clothes and they rolled around.  Then Brian had told him he stunk and to go take a shower. That was when he realized that Brian knew he was screwing around. And everything had gone to Hell from that moment on.

So many memories flooded Justin's brain, but they didn't help him with his decisions.  In fact they made it worse. For every good memory, there were at least three bad ones.  They had had such a rocky time trying to get together, and then even rockier trying to live together.  Was he prepared to step back into that mess again?

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Brian watched Justin move around the apartment.  He had woken as soon as Justin got up. He wondered if Justin had forgotten how Brian always knew when he left their bed.  It was like a sixth sense. As soon as Justin moved more than a couple of feet away from him, Brian sensed the difference. It was like a hole in his realm of reality.

He saw Justin staring at various things in the apartment, and he was almost certain that he could tell what Justin was thinking.  He could visualize all the same moments that he was sure were running through Justin's head. He saw himself yelling at Justin after the burglary, he saw the meals they had shared at the table, especially jambalaya, he saw them sharing ice cream kisses on the chaise.  He remembered the empty loft when he returned from Chicago having made partner. He thought about how lonely he had been, about how much he wanted to share his success with someone. No, not someone, only Justin, he had wanted to share it with Justin.

He had promised to let Justin make his own decision about what he was going to do, but he wasn't sure he could let him walk out that door again, if that was what he decided to do.

He saw Justin continuing his tour of the apartment and his tour of their life together.  He realized sadly that there were probably many more bad memories for the boy than there were good ones.  He had been really shitty to Justin so many times. He wondered why the young man even considered coming back.  His only hope was that he had told Justin that he wanted to make things better. He wondered if that would be enough to make him stay.

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As the first colors of dawn started to seep through the curtains, Justin crawled back into bed with Brian.  Brian rolled over and kissed him, as soon as he got under the covers.

"I wondered if you were going to come back to bed," Brian said.

"Would you care if I didn't?"

"Yes … yes, Justin, I would."

"At least that's a better answer than the last time I asked if you cared if I was here."

"It's still your call, but know that I do care.  I want you here with me."

"That means a lot to me.  Why couldn't you have told me that when I asked you before?"

"I was afraid to admit that it mattered."

"Why?  What did you think would happen if you admitted it?"

"I always thought you would leave me at some point.  You were too young and I was too stupid and inexperienced."

Justin snorted.  "I never thought I'd hear you admit to being stupid and inexperienced."

"Well, I am, when it comes to … matters of the heart."

"That's true," Justin admitted.

"I thought that when you left me, everyone would think I deserved it, because I'm a heartless shit.  I decided at some point that if they were going to think that and you were going to leave, I might as well live up to that reputation.  I couldn't stand the idea that you would leave me after I admitted that I needed you. I just couldn't bear that."

"Then why can you say it now?  I might still leave."

"I know, but I have no more pride, nothing else to lose.  You've already left me once. I know I was dead inside when you were gone.  I don't want to do that again, so I'm trying to be honest this time. If that doesn't keep you here then I might as well be dead."

"Just like I am at Dartmouth, empty and dead."

"Are you admitting that we are pathetic without each other?'

"I guess I am," Justin chuckled.

"That is some kind of sick reason for being together," Brian said.

"Yeah, sick and … wonderful."

"Wonderful?"

"You said you wanted me to teach you what love is.  That's a big part of it. When two people need to be together, when their lives are empty and meaningless without the other person, that's love."

"Sounds pretty pathetic to me."

"But the flipside of it is that you are happy when the other person is around.  That you feel safe and cherished when you are with that person."

"Like now."

Justin beamed his sunshine smile.  "Exactly like now!" he replied.

"Do you think we can do this?"

"I … I don't know, Brian.  A lot of it depends on you.  I can't go back to settling for any little crumb of affection that you choose to throw my way.  I need more than that. Otherwise I might as well be at Dartmouth. It wouldn't be so different from here."

"Shit, Justin!  Is that really how you felt?  That I threw you a crumb every once in a while?  That you were as beat down here as I found you at Dartmouth?  Fuck!"

"Honestly, yes.  The last few weeks we were together, it was … painful.  Every gesture I made toward you, you slapped it away. The picnic, the snowboarding trip, it made me feel totally worthless."

"That isn't what I was trying to do.  I never meant…"

"What did you mean, Brian?  I'd really like to know."

"I wanted to go snowboarding with you, but I was going to be fired if I didn't land Brown Athletics.  You know how important my job is to me."

"Why couldn't you have sat down and told me that?"

"I…I couldn't admit how scared I was, even to myself.  I expected you to know that I had to go to Chicago."

"Well, I didn't know that.  I knew that you had promised to go to Vermont with me, and then out of the blue you changed your mind and as much as told me that I wasn't important to you at all."

"Is that how it seemed?"

"You really are clueless about this stuff, aren't you?"

"I told you I was."

Justin laughed.  "Why were you fucking that guy in our bed when I got back?"

"I was hurt that you went without me.  At first I thought you went with somebody else."

"Really?"

"Yes, really.  So I found someone to relieve the tension, someone who was happy to be with me if only for a few minutes.  He didn't require any effort."

"And I did?"

"Yes, and sometimes I just couldn't make that effort."

"Why not?  Aren't I worth it?"

"Yes, you are.  I realize that now, but I couldn't go so quickly from not giving a fuck about anyone's feelings to pouring all this effort into a … relationship that seemed doomed from the outset."

"You thought we were doomed?"

"I told you that I expected you to leave me, either because you would grow up and detest me or more likely because I would make some horrendous fuck-up that would drive you away."

"That's another thing about love, Brian."

"What?"

"That you have to be willing to deal with fuck-ups, you have to take a chance that you can get things right or make them right if you screw up."

Brian groaned.  "I don't think I can ever get all of this straight."

"We've barely scratched the surface," Justin declared.

Brian groaned again.

"Want to fuck me again?"

"That sounds good.  Are you going to stay here?"

"I don't know.  I need to think about it some more.  I'll do that while you're fucking me."

"You can think while I fuck you?"

"Sometimes."

"Then I must be doing it wrong."

Justin chuckled.  "That'll be the day!  Just fuck me and I'll make my decision later."

"Later," Brian said, kissing Justin's luscious mouth.