No Going Back  

First Year Residence - Justin's Room

Brian waited to hear the answer to his question. The long pause did not bode well. Brian hadn't exactly expected Justin to leap into his arms and scream with delight, but he thought the young man would welcome the chance to get out from under his father's thumb, and get back to the life that he had been living before Ethan. Hadn't their night together proven that?

"Are you ready to come home?" Brian repeated.

"Home? This is as close to a home as I'm going to have for the next while," Justin said with bitterness in his voice.

"I mean the loft."

"The loft is your home, not mine, Brian. How many times have you kicked me out of it, because it's your place and you were pissed with me? It's not my home, never really was."

Brian flinched. Justin was right. He had kicked the kid out many times, aside from the fact that he never wanted to let him in in the first place. "I asked you to live with me that night in Babylon."

"And why was that?" Justin asked.

Brian frowned. "What do you mean … because I wanted you to."

Justin snorted. "Because Debbie told you to."

"How did you know that?"

"Debbie doesn't exactly have the tightest lips on Liberty Avenue."

"Fuck!" Brian reacted.

"I know you took me back after the bashing because my mother begged you to. You never really wanted me there. It took me long enough to get with the program, but I finally understand that it's your place, your life, and I don't really belong in it."

"That's not true," Brian said trying to figure out where all this was coming from. "I just asked you now."

"Yeah, because you feel sorry for me again. Poor little Justin is giving up his art and his quest to be the best homosexual he can be."

"Whatever happened to that quest?" Brian asked with a little smirk. Maybe he could jolly Justin into seeing reason.

"A baseball bat happened to it. It skewed my vision for a while, but I finally understand. You want to live your life your way, and now I'm going to live mine my way."

"Your father's way, don't you mean?" Brian asked with a scowl.

"Maybe it is for now, but it's what I have to do."

"You don't have to, Justin. You can come back with me and start again at PIFA. You can live with me at the loft."

"And you'll pay for everything and I'll be the poor child that Brian's helping and fucking on the side."

"That's not what you'd be."

"That's what I am in the eyes of your friends. They think I take advantage of you, and I guess they're right. I have."

"You haven't taken advantage of me, Justin. I did what I wanted to do where you were concerned," Brian stated.

"Thanks for saying that, but it's not really true. You would never have taken me in without feeling sorry for me. My father, my mother, Debbie, Daphne, they all put pressure on you to look after me. It wasn't all the same kind of pressure, but they made you feel responsible for me. Well, now I want to be responsible for myself."

"Don't you mean responsible to your father?" Brian asked with another scowl. He hated to even mention that man, and he couldn't understand Justin's willingness to put himself back under his father's influence.

"Whatever, it is what it is. I'm here and I'll get a degree in business."

"But what about your art?"

"I'm taking a studio course. It's not bad. They have a great museum too. I'll get the business degree with a minor in art."

"That's not the same as a degree from PIFA," Brian replied. "You're an artist. You should study art."

"I'll always be an artist, and I'll always be gay. My father can't change either of those things, even though he may think he can."

Brian shook his head. "What about Rage?" he asked grasping at straws.

"You mean the comic you pissed all over because we messed up your loft?" Justin stressed the word "your".

Brian looked at the floor. That had not been one of his finer moments. "You and Michael have a chance to make some serious money off it."

"I will never work with Michael again," Justin said vehemently.

"But it could be profitable. You both could use the money."

"What the fuck good is money when we can't stand each other? Michael thinks I betrayed you, and he's right. I did. He went tattling to you and never even asked me what was going on. He doesn't give me a chance, I'm not prepared to give him one. Rage is over. If Michael wants to continue it, he can find another artist."

"But it's yours too. You're JT."

"If Michael wants to continue Rage, he's welcome to it, but he'll have to write JT out. I don't want to be associated with it at all."

"What about the money that comes in?" Brian asked. He hated the thought of Justin getting nothing out of all his hard work.

"You take it, Brian. I owe you so much." Brian shook his head. "Or put it in trust for Gus. Yeah, that's what you should do. It will be a thank you to Lindsay and Mel for all they did for me too."

"That will take some legal papers."

"Get Mel to do them and then send them to my father's office. He'll see that I get them."

"Justin…"

"No, Brian, it's what I want to do."

Brian took a deep breath. "I still think you should come back to Pittsburgh. It's where you belong."

Justin gave a thready, slightly hysterical laugh. "Don't you get it, Brian? I don't belong anywhere anymore. I don't belong with you. I can't work with Michael. I thought he was my friend, but he turned out to be something else altogether. Everybody else is your friend and they don't care what happens to me. I have to look after myself and this is how I'm going to do it."

Brian stared at his lover. "What's happened to you, Justin? You sound like someone I don't even know."

"Maybe you never really knew me. I'm not sure I knew you either."

"Don't say that."

"Why, because it hurts? Well, I've been hurt too. What do you think I felt when I found you fucking some guy in our bed? It hurt like hell, but I put up with it. I thought you might change … for me. But it was all a fucking pipe dream. I understand that now."

"It doesn't have to be this way."

"Are you saying you'll change? I want someone to love me, Brian. That's why I went with Ethan. I thought for a while that he would love only me, that he could be everything that I wanted, but I soon figured out that that was all a pipe dream too. You know you won't change. You won't be monogamous. You won't give up tricking. Will you?"

Brian stared at the floor. He wasn't prepared to do either of those things. He couldn't look at Justin.

"See, I know where things stand, and it's okay. I'm okay. I'll be fine here. I have a chance to make things up with my father. I made him promises and I'm going to try to keep them. This is something I can do."

"Why do you want to get in your father's good books? Look at how he's treated you," Brian said.

"Maybe I can make it right this time. You need to go back to Pittsburgh. I'm staying here."

Brian looked into Justin's eyes. "You mean that, don't you?" Justin nodded. "There's nothing I can say to persuade you?"

Justin felt the tears well up. He wanted so much to walk into Brian's arms and then ride with him back to Pittsburgh, but he couldn't do that. "You … you've been very generous to me, Brian, but it's time I stand on my own feet. I'm not going back." Justin turned and looked out the window. "It's time I honor the deal I made with my father. It's one thing I have a chance to do right. I'm not going to let him down, like I have let people down so many other times."

"What are you talking about? Who have you let down?"

"You, Michael, your friends. Did you see how everyone looked at me when I left Babylon with Ethan? Even my mother was disappointed in me."

"I orchestrated some of that. It wasn't all your fault."

"So what? I made the decision to go with Ethan. I have to live with the consequences, and that's what I'm trying to do."

Brian shook his head. He didn't know what else to say. "I guess I should get ready to head back." He climbed out of the bed, grabbed his bag and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. All the while he cleaned up he tried to think of a way to persuade Justin to return with him.

Justin fought back tears while he waited for Brian to wash up. He so wanted to give in to his feelings and tell Brian that he wanted to go back to Pittsburgh with him. But he knew in his heart that the right thing was to stay at Dartmouth.

Brian came out of the bathroom. "Are you sure you won't come with me?"

"I can't. I've screwed up so many times. I owe this to my father. I'm staying here."

Brian shook his head in resignation. "If that's what you want."

Justin bit back the words that were screaming in his throat waiting to be set free. 'Brian, I want you so much. I'm coming with you. I'd go anywhere with you. I love you.' But none of those words escaped. "It's what I want," Justin said.

Brian walked over to Justin and put his arms around him. "Take care of yourself."

"I will, and you do the same. Oh, and tell Mel to draw up those papers about Rage. I want Gus to have something from me. Give him a kiss from me."

Brian nodded. "I will."

He picked up his bag and opened the door. He glanced at Justin before walking through it and closing the door firmly behind him. He had said everything he was capable of saying, and it hadn't been enough. There was nothing left but to go home, to his loft, to his big, empty loft.

Justin watched the door close behind Brian and he knew that that phase of his life was over. He would never see Brian again. He had promised his father that, and he would keep that promise. He was glad that Brian had taken the time to come after him. He would have the memory of their night together to get him through the years at Dartmouth.

Brian signed out at the security desk in the lobby and headed for his Jeep. He didn't look up at the building. He wondered if Justin might be watching from the window of his room, but what difference would that make anyway? He climbed into the Jeep and pointed it towards Pittsburgh.

Andy MacPherson was already on the telephone. He placed the call as soon as Brian Kinney left the building.