Repentance  

Pittsburgh - Lindsay and Melanie's House

"So?" Justin asked with a defeated voice.

Michael heard the defeat in Justin's single word, and some of the anger he had not been able to give up slipped away.  "How are you?" Michael said, not knowing how to begin.

"Like you care!" Justin replied with a sigh.

"I do," Michael responded.  "I never meant for things to turn out like this."

"Like what, Michael?  Like me being out of Brian's life for good.  Like me leaving Pittsburgh. Like you having a clear field…"  He didn't need to finish that statement. They both knew what it meant.

"Justin," Michael shook his head, "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you before I told Brian what I saw."

"Too late, Michael."  Justin sighed. "Too fucking late."

"It doesn't have to be."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you could still come back here.  Brian told me that he went to Dartmouth to see you, and that he asked you to come back."

"And I told him no.  You see, Michael, I finally realized that you were right.  Brian took me in out of pity and guilt. He never loved me.  I'm just a convenient fuck, nothing more."

"That's not true, Justin.  I told you when we were working on Rage that Brian loved you, and he does.  He still does."

Justin stared at Michael.  This was not at all what he had expected to hear coming out of Michael's mouth.  "You're wrong," Justin said. "We all fooled ourselves. Brian can't love anybody, certainly not me…now."

"You're the one who's wrong, Justin.  I think you should come back to Pittsburgh.  I need you to work on the comic with me."

"What?  I came here to end all that.  I thought you had found someone else to draw Rage."

"Well, I haven't.  I tried a couple of people, but their work wasn't nearly as good as yours.  It didn't look the same at all. And I can't kill off JT. Rage would have no reason to live.  Neither would Brian."

"What…what are you saying?  I can't come back. I can't be involved with any of you anymore."  Justin felt desperate. This was all wrong.

"Why can't you be involved with us?  We all want you to come back here and live your life the way it should be."

"Another person deciding how I should live!  Just what I fucking need!" Justin spat out.

"Justin, I only mean that you should have the choice of how you want to live.  I'm not trying to decide for you."

"Good, because I've made my choices and I'll live with them."

Michael sighed.  He hadn't made any headway at all.  He had truly hoped he could reason with Justin.  He had meant what he said, but it made no difference to the kid.  "There's someone else here who wants to talk to you," Michael said.

"No!" Justin gasped.  "I won't talk to anyone else!"  Panic was written all over his face.

"Oh yes you will, Sunshine!" Debbie's voice boomed as she appeared from the kitchen.

"Debbie!" Justin sighed.  He wasn't sure whether he wanted to cry or grin.  He was happy to see her, but he shouldn't be. Suddenly she had him in a bear hug that threatened to collapse both of his lungs.

"You little asshole," she muttered, "how could you leave me without telling me where you were?  You know I worry about all my boys."

"Deb," Justin breathed, "Deb."  That was all he could get out between the tears he was fighting back and the pressure of her embrace.  Finally he felt her grip release and she pushed him back to look at his face.

"What have you done, Justin?" she whispered.

"I've made a fucking mess of everything, and now I have to live with the consequences."

"No, Justin, no, no, no," Debbie babbled, brushing the hair back from his forehead.

Justin felt the tears begin and he couldn't stop them.  He felt Debbie's arms go around him again.

"Why didn't you come back to your room at my place when you left Ethan?" she whispered against his ear.

"I…I couldn't put you in the middle.  I know you love Brian and look out for him.  You must have hated me for what I did," Justin gulped out.

"No, I never hated you.  I wondered what happened and I felt bad for both you and Brian.  But hate you? Never!"

Justin wanted to stay in her embrace, stay there and make the rest of the world go away, but he knew that was impossible.  He straightened up and wiped at his tears. "It's good to see you, Deb, but it's too late. I have to go back to Dartmouth."

"No, you don't.  You can come stay with me again.  Vic and I would love to have you back."

Justin wavered for just a second.  He would like to do that. "No, Deb, it is too late."

Debbie sighed.  "That offer will always stand," she said.  "Somebody else needs to talk to you."

"No!" Justin said, looking like he wanted to run. "No!  This is all wrong!"

Suddenly Emmett appeared from the kitchen.  "Hi, sweetie," Emmett said coming forward to give Justin a hug.  "I needed to tell you a couple of things."

"What…what?"  Justin couldn't believe this was happening.

"You remember when Vic was accused of exposing himself at the mall and wasn't going to fight it."  Justin nodded. "I did everything in my power to make him want to fight, to make him stand up for himself.  That's what I want you to do. I want you to be who you are, not some pretend thing that your father created.  It's important for you, but it's important for all of us. If we don't stick together and help each other, we'll all be beaten down by homophobes like your father.  That's all I have to say."

Emmett stepped back and Justin saw his mother and Molly standing behind him.  "Mom?" Justin said.

"Honey," Jennifer said softly.  All your friends wanted you to know that they care about you and they want you to come home.  We can work out something. You can come to my place or to Deb's or…"

"To my place!  Or I should say 'our place'," Brian said, stepping forward."

"Brian!" Justin gasped.  He felt like his heart was going to explode.  He shook his head in disbelief. Was this real or was he dreaming?

"Justin, I made a big mistake when I forced you to go with Ethan.  I thought I was doing the right thing, but I never meant it to turn out like this.  I'm sorry!"

"No," Justin said.  "It was all my fault.  I cheated. I lied."

"We both made mistakes," Brian admitted.  "And we're all here to try to fix them. I spoke to the dean at PIFA.  They'll take you back if you want to go. I'm offering you a place to live at the loft, a place that I hope you will consider your home as much as mine.  If you don't want to live with me, then you can go to Deb's or your mother's. Just come back, please," Brian begged.

Justin looked around.  They were all staring at him.  He noticed that Ted and Ben and Molly were there.  Melanie and Lindsay had brought Gus down from upstairs.  Everyone seemed to be holding their breath waiting for Justin to say something.

Justin looked at Brian.  The man seemed to genuinely care, but he hadn't mentioned anything about changing his tricking and the group sex.  Justin couldn't do that anymore. He couldn't go back to that way of life. He didn't want to go back to Dartmouth either.  He felt this overwhelming urge to run, so he did. He bolted out the front door and down the steps. He ran down the street, sobbing and gasping for air.  At the corner he stopped and leaned against a tree, letting the tears run free. He shivered in the cold air. He realized he was shaking violently, and then strong arms were around him and he sank against Brian's chest.

"Come to the loft with me," Brian whispered.  "We have to talk." Justin allowed himself to be led over to the Jeep.  Brian buckled him in. He seemed incapable of doing anything for himself.

From somewhere far away Justin heard the Jeep start up, and he wished with all his heart that it would quickly drive off the edge of a cliff and put him out of his misery.