Bottoming Out

Dartmouth

"Justin!" a voice bellowed at him.  Justin froze. He jumped back out of Ric's embrace.  He turned his head, already knowing what he would see, the irate face of his father.

"Dad!" Justin gasped.  He felt like someone had punched him in the gut.  "What…what are you doing here?"

"I thought we had a deal, Justin, but I should have known better.  You disgust me!"

Ric looked bewildered.  He didn't know what to do or say.  "Justin?" he asked.

"It's all right, Ric," Justin said with a sigh.  "Go on in. I'll maybe talk to you later."

Ric beat a hasty retreat and Justin turned back to his father to face the anger he could feel radiating off him.

"Can we talk inside?" Justin asked in a defeated voice.

"You want to talk in private, but you flaunt your disgusting habits in public!" his father shrieked at him.

"Please," Justin begged feeling tears welling up.

"Get inside!" Craig ordered, not really wanting their dirty laundry aired in public.

Craig trailed Justin up to his room.  He slammed the door closed behind them, and rounded on his son.  "What the fuck do you think you are pulling?" he screamed at Justin.  "You come to me and make all these promises, and within a week you've broken every fucking one of them!"

Justin felt the tears begin to course down his cheeks.  How could he answer that? His father was right. He had promised to never see Brian Kinney again, and he had.  He had promised not to flaunt his disgusting lifestyle, and his father had just seen him kissing another man in public.  He had promised to give up his art, and he was studying business, but his art was the only thing that was really important to him.

"Well?" His father demanded an explanation.

"I don't know what to say," Justin said in a small voice.

"If you think I'm going to support you and pay for your schooling while you sneak around with that asshole, Kinney, and God knows how many others, you are fucking nuts.  I'm through! I wash my hands of you once and for all."

"I'm…sorry…Dad," Justin choked out between sobs.  "I meant to keep my promises. I tried."

"That's what you call trying.  No wonder you are a colossal failure as a man!"

Justin felt the last ounce of fight drain out of him.  That was it. He gave up. He thought he had hit rock bottom when he went to his father before, but now he had plumbed new depths of despair.  He was a failure, a failure at everything he tried. He couldn't keep one fucking promise. He could have stopped Brian from coming in. He could have stopped himself from kissing Ric.  He had good intentions, but everyone knows that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. That's where he was now – Hell!

He slumped down onto the bed, pulled his legs up to his chest and cried.  He didn't care that his father was watching him. He didn't care about anything.  All he wanted to do was die, and he prayed that that would happen soon. He just wanted this misery to end.

"Justin?" he heard his father say, as if from far away.

He ignored the noise and continued to cry.  It didn't matter if he answered his father. Nothing mattered anymore.  He was finished.

Pittsburgh – The Munchers' House

Brian had spent a few minutes with Gus.  He always felt better when Gus' little arms were around his neck.  It was already Gus' bedtime, so all too soon Lindsay had asked Melanie to take Gus for his bath and put him to bed.  Brian was sorry to see Gus go, but he knew Lindsay had done that so the two of them could talk, and he was grateful for that.

"So, are you ready to tell me why you're here?" Lindsay asked.

"I saw Justin," Brian said simply.

"What?  Where?"

"He's at Dartmouth, studying business."

"No!  Why?"

"It's a long story," Brian began.

"I've got lots of time."

Brian sighed.  He told Lindsay about Justin leaving Ethan and going to his father.  He briefly recounted his trip to Hanover, including how worried he was about Justin.  The boy had renounced everything to get his father's help. He had refused to come back to Pittsburgh or to take any help from Brian.  "He seemed like someone I hardly know, someone who has given up," Brian ended.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Lindsay asked.

Brian shook his head.  "That's why I'm here. I tried to come up with a plan to get Justin back here.  I thought about it all the way home, but I couldn't come up with anything. I was hoping you might be able to help me."

"You could tell him you love him."

Brian snorted.  "He doesn't want to hear that.  Besides, I don't think he would believe me.  He thinks I've just been taking pity on him, that I feel guilty for him getting bashed.  He thinks he let everybody down by betraying me with Ethan."

Lindsay noted that Brian hadn't denied that he loved Justin, but she decided she better not pursue that.  Brian would probably deny it anyway, or tell her to fuck off. "He might believe you if you weren't fucking everything that moved, and doing it right in front of him."

"Look, Lindsay, that may be true, but he can't know any of that if he is in Hanover and I'm here."

"You're right.  So what would get him back here?"

"I can only think of two things.  He might come back if his mother asked him or if something was wrong with Gus."

"You want me to lie to Justin about Gus?  I don't think so, Brian."

"So that leaves Jennifer."

"Do you think she might help you?"

"She told me where Justin was.  She doesn't have a lot of use for her ex-husband, so she might."

"Then it sounds like you have answered your own question.  You need to talk to Jennifer."

"I was afraid that you were going to tell me that."

"I guess it all hinges on how much you care for Justin and want to help him," Lindsay said, looking Brian in the eye.  "If you get him back here, you better be ready to make some changes to keep him here."

Brian groaned.  He knew she was right.  He wanted Justin back, the old Justin, not the broken man he had found at Dartmouth.  What was he willing to do to have that happen? He stood up and gave Lindsay a kiss. He was going to find out.

Dartmouth

Justin didn't know how long he had been curled up in a fetal position crying his heart out.  Suddenly he felt someone take his arm and roll him over onto his back. He opened his eyes and looked at his father.

"Why are you still here?" Justin asked.  "Leave me alone."

"Are you going to stop crying?" his father asked with what sounded like concern in his voice.

"What do you care?  You said you were through with me."

"I thought I was, but I can't leave you like this."

"Why not?  It doesn't matter any more."

"Why did you do it?  Why did you let Kinney come here?" his father asked.

"I didn't know he was coming.  He just showed up," Justin said, wiping his eyes.  "I made him go back to Pittsburgh."

"After he spent the night with you!" his father couldn't help declaring.

"How … how do you know that?"

"Never mind that now.  I want to know why you did it.  Have you debased yourself to the extent that you can refuse him nothing?  Do you have no self respect left?"

Justin looked at his father.  He could try to explain, but his father didn't want to hear it.  He could lie, but what was the point? He said, "I guess so, Dad."

Craig stared at his son.  He wanted to restore the son he loved, but he didn't know how.  This Justin was a creature he didn't understand and didn't want to understand.  "Jesus, Justin, how did things come to this?"

"I'm to blame.  You should never have trusted me.  I can't do anything right."

"Don't talk like that.  I thought you wanted to make a fresh start."

"I did, but I fucked it all up," Justin sighed.

"If I gave you one more chance, and I mean if, would you be able to keep our bargain?'

Justin couldn't believe his ears.  He hadn't expected another chance. "I would try even harder," Justin promised.  "I swear I would."

Craig gathered his son into his arms.  "Then we have a deal. But know that this is your last chance.  Do you understand?"

"Yes, Dad."  Justin allowed Craig to hug him.  He thought maybe his father still loved him on some level, but it didn't really matter.  He would go through the motions and stay alive, but he might as well be dead. He would never see Brian again, and now he couldn't see anyone else either.  Everyone would think Craig had done a good thing, looking after his wayward son. Justin knew there was nothing good about their bargain. He had wished he was dead earlier, but this might be worse.  He'd be walking around like he was alive, but he'd be dead inside. That was what he deserved. He had nothing better to look forward to.