Wild Child

Chapter 21

Brian got Lindsay situated in the bedroom adjacent to his. The new furniture had been delivered and was all set up. Lindsay assessed the look of the room.

"The furniture's lovely, but you need some artwork in here," Lindsay said to Brian as she stowed her clothes in the closet and the dresser.

"Some of yours?" Brian asked, not wanting to admit that until the day before the room had been totally empty.

"Some of Justin's," Lindsay said pointedly. "What's he doing here? I thought you two were over a long time ago."

"We were."

"Then why…?"

"He came because Gus wanted to see him. I think Gus wants us back together."

"And?"

"We've both moved on. It's too late for anything like that."

"Are you sure? Have you really moved on, Brian?"

"I … was trying to, but I … don't seem to make very good choices these days."

Lindsay heard the sadness in Brian's voice. "Maybe you two should try again."

"I fucking said that it's too late for that," Brian reacted. He stood up from where he had sat on the edge of her bed while she unpacked. "Do you want some of those fucking cookies or not?"

"I can hardly wait for a cookie," Lindsay said sarcastically wondering what had crawled up Brian's ass. She followed him downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Mrs. Hadley," Brian said, "this is Lindsay Peterson, Gus' mother."

"Nice to meet you," Mrs. Hadley said placing mugs of coffee in front of the two empty chairs at the kitchen table.

"Join us, please," Brian said to Mrs. Hadley and he went to get an extra chair that was sitting next to the door to her quarters.

"Thank you," Mrs. Hadley said sitting down after getting herself a cup of coffee.

"Mrs. Hadley was great with Gus while he was in the hospital," Brian said.

"And she makes the best cookies," Gus added as he munched happily on one. All of his favorite people were sitting around the table. It was almost the way he wanted it, almost the way it should be. "How's Momma?" Gus asked after a minute.

"Yeah, how is Melanie?" Justin added.

"She's doing okay," Lindsay said noncommittally.

"That doesn't sound too great," Justin replied.

"She's had a hard time since we went to Canada."

"How come?"

"She's not licensed to practise law in Canada so she has been working as a paralegal. Things have been tough for all of us."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Justin said.

"What about you? I hear you've been traveling the world," Lindsay said hoping to change the subject. She really didn't want to discuss family problems in front of Gus and Mrs. Hadley.

"Yeah, kind of. I went to Europe a few years ago. I studied some over there. It was a really great experience."

"And now you're back to conquer the States."

"Something like that," Justin said slowly.

"Are you going back to Europe after your show is over, Justin?" Gus asked.

"That decision has yet to be made," Justin replied. He kept his eyes glued on the cookie he was holding in his hand.

Brian glanced at Justin wondering what that statement might mean. Justin refused to meet his gaze.

"That sounds like you might stay in the States," Lindsay said voicing Brian's thought. "In Pittsburgh?" she asked.

"I really don't know yet," Justin sighed. "It's hard being so far away from everyone, from Mom and Molly. I missed … everybody."

"But it must have been exciting?" Lindsay persisted.

"It was … at first. And I met some great people over there, but…"

"But it's not home," Brian whispered.

Justin looked at him then. Something unspoken passed between them.

"Mom, want to see me swim?" Gus asked.

"Sure, sweetie," Lindsay said standing up. "Thanks for the cookies, Mrs. Hadley."

"No problem," Mrs. Hadley replied. Lindsay went out the patio door to the pool while Gus went upstairs to change into his swimsuit.

"We need to talk," Brian said not taking his eyes off Justin.

Justin nodded. He wasn't sure that he was ready for this, but he knew it was inevitable. They made their way into the library. It seemed like the logical place for them to talk. Brian stood at the window staring out at the lawn and the tree that no longer had his Corvette wrapped around it. Justin stood just inside the door and waited.

"Why did you come here, Justin?" Brian asked almost in a whisper.

"Gus wanted to see me," Justin replied without even thinking about it.

"At first you weren't going to come."

"No, I wasn't."

"Why?"

"I thought it would be too uncomfortable, and…"

"And what?" Brian asked still staring out the window so he didn't have to look at Justin.

Justin sighed. "I don't think this is such a good idea." He reached for the door handle ready to leave. "I think I better head back to Pittsburgh."

"Sure," Brian said wheeling around and letting Justin see the fire in his eyes. "Run away like you have so many times in the past!"

Justin felt like he had been struck. But he wasn't going to let Brian get away with that one, not now, not this time. "I'm not running anywhere," he stated. "I'm the one who came here … to you. You didn't have the balls to seek me out."

"Don't you mean ball?" Brian asked sarcastically.

"Are you still using that tired old cliché? I thought that was history."

"Like you and me … history." The hurt in Brian's tone and demeanor was palpable.

Justin refused to acknowledge it and plowed ahead. "Well, we are, aren't we?" he challenged.

"That's what we need to talk about, Justin," Brian said his voice getting very soft. "Are we history? I still feel … things, when we're together."

"I do too, but that doesn't mean that we have to act on them," Justin said reasonably.

"No, we don't have to, but sometimes I … want to."

"You do?" Justin asked staring into Brian's eyes. He couldn't believe that Brian was saying this, taking a chance that Justin might not reciprocate those feelings, and yet still saying them.

"I do," Brian said with that little smirk that Justin used to love.

"What happened to us?" Justin asked with a certain haunted quality to his voice. "We made it work for a while."

"Yeah, we did. All those trips to New York," Brian said looking over Justin's head and remembering.

"All the long weekends spent in bed."

"All the fucking."

"All the lovemaking."

"All the separation."

"All the pain."

"Yeah," Brian said letting out a long breath.

"It was hard."

"But it was good too."

It was Justin's turn to say, "Yeah."

"So what happened?"

"You know," Justin declared looking into Brian's eyes. "You were a big part of what happened."

"Yeah, I suppose I was."

"Why did you stop coming to New York?"

"I thought it would be easier … on both of us."

"Why would you think that?" Justin asked pain evident in his voice. "I loved you. I … thought you loved me too."

"I did."

"Then why?"

"Your agent told me about some of the shows she was trying to get you into, and…"

"My agent? When did you talk to her?"

"That last show of yours that I attended."

"Fuck!"

"She told me all the great things she had planned for you, and how you'd get to travel and maybe be mentored in Europe."

Justin shook his head. "So you decided once again what would be best for me?"

"In a way. I knew you needed to have those experiences. You deserved it all. Look how well it turned out for you."

"Yeah, real well."

"What does that mean, Justin?"

"None of your fucking business!"

"Justin?"

"Look, it's over and done with. I don't see any point in rehashing all this."

"It doesn't feel like it's done to me. I don't think you believe it's done either."

"Yeah, go right ahead. Tell me what to think, what to do, how to fucking breathe!"

"Where is this shit coming from? I just wanted to clear the air," Brian said with a deep frown furrowing his brow. He couldn't understand Justin's sudden hostility.

"Why couldn't you fucking clear the air all those years ago, before you decided that we would be better off not seeing each other?"

"Because you would have said everything was fine, and we should go on the way we were."

"Maybe that was exactly the way I felt," Justin challenged him. "But that wouldn't occur to you, would it? The mighty Kinney has to make all the decisions. Only he knows what's best for everyone."

"Jesus, Justin, that's not what I was thinking."

"You could have fooled me, especially since I thought I wasn't enough for you anymore. I thought you'd lost interest, that I wasn't worth all the long distance travel and the time away from Kinnetik. I thought I was second best once again … like I've always been to you."

"You've never been second best, Justin." Brian took a step towards Justin who looked shell shocked at what he had just said. Justin must have kept those feelings bottled up for so long. "I did it for you. I wanted you to have every opportunity in life. I didn't want to hold you back."

"But that's exactly what I mean. What you want, or what you think is best, comes first. Couldn't you just fucking ask me what I wanted?"

"I thought you would say you wanted us to stay together, that you didn't want to go to Europe or pursue all the avenues of your career." Brian took another step.

"That's exactly what I would have said, because it was the fucking truth. But you never bothered to ask." Justin felt his heart pounding in his chest. He felt like he was going to black out.

"Justin," Brian said his voice coming from far away. "Justin!"

Justin felt himself start to slump and then arms grabbed him and he felt himself lifted up and carried to the sofa. Brian laid him down gently and then left. He returned momentarily with a snifter of brandy.

"Take a little sip," Brian told him. "It'll help."

Justin managed a small slurp without it choking him. He could feel the warmth spread through his numb body. "I need to go home," Justin said as soon as he could get his voice to work. He tried to get up.

Brian gently shoved him back down. "You're not going anywhere. Rest for a few minutes."

Justin shut his eyes wishing he was anywhere else but at Britin with Brian. He thought he had sublimated all this shit, way down where he would never have to deal with it again.

"Justin, I'm sorry if you think I made the wrong decision back then," Brian said his voice almost a whisper as he knelt beside the sofa looking with worry at his blond ex-lover.

"I don't think you made the wrong decision. I know you did," Justin declared keeping his eyes firmly shut so that the tears would hopefully not escape. He refused to cry after all this time.

"But…"

"Shut up, Brian! Just shut the fuck up!"

Brian opened his mouth, but he couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say. After a couple of minutes he repeated, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry's bullshit, as you were so fond of saying. And it is. It won't bring back all the wasted years or the time I spent thinking I could never be enough for anyone, not you or … Ethan, or anyone."

"You were always enough for me, always." Brian's voice was barely audible.

"You had one helluva way of showing me that."

"I thought you knew."

"And how would I know when you stop calling, stop talking to me, stop coming to see me?" Justin choked out the words. He had convinced himself that Brian didn't want him anymore, and he had gone on. Now, he was hearing that Brian had left him alone for his own good. They could have been together all along. They had wasted so many fucking years. He felt like his heart was being split in two.

"You stopped too," Brian accused.

"Yeah, after you not returning my calls and never being available when I called your office. What was I supposed to do? There's a limit to how much any person can take."

"But it was for the best," Brian said wanting to take Justin into his arms. He had obviously made a big mistake, much bigger than he had ever realized. "You have a great career. It all worked out."

"Fucking shit! I've been lonely for all this fucking time. There's more to life than a fucking career, but of course, you wouldn't know that."

"You were lonely?"

"I was lonely."

"So was I," Brian breathed.

"Fuck it! I'm going home," Justin said sitting up. He couldn't stand a minute more of this.

"Don't go," Brian practically whimpered.

"If you had said that to me years ago, it might have meant something," Justin said, his voice like ice. "It's too fucking late now."

"Does it have to be too late?" Brian was almost begging.

"What?" Justin asked halfway up from the sofa.

"You heard me," Brian breathed.

"I can't believe my ears. You have a fucking nerve."

"I'm begging, Justin. I'm fucking begging."

"Begging doesn't become you," Justin said coldly.

Brian slumped against the side of the couch. He rested his forehead on his arms and felt the tears roll down his cheeks. He had ripped that plea from the depths of his soul and Justin hadn't been affected. Brian knew he deserved what he was getting. He had thought he had all the answers back then, but he had been a fucking idiot. Now he was paying for that arrogance and so was Justin. He had ruined both their lives.

Justin reached the door of the library. His hand reached for the knob but he couldn't bring himself to turn it. He hesitated and then turned around for one last look at Brian. He needed that closure. What he saw made his breath halt in his chest.

Brian was on the floor leaning against the sofa, his head buried in his arms, but Justin could see his shoulders heaving convulsively. He was sobbing silently.

"Brian," Justin said softly. He didn't know what to do. He had rarely seen Brian like this. In fact, he had never seen Brian like this, so raw and open and hurt.

"Go, Justin. It's what you want. I really am sorry."

"You really are a fucking asshole, Brian Kinney," Justin retorted. He walked purposefully towards the sofa. "Look at me, you son of a bitch!"

Brian looked up, eyes full of tears, misery written all over his face. "Call me anything you want. I deserve it," Brian whispered.

"Oh, I'm going to call you every name you can possibly imagine, right after I kiss you silly."

"Huh?"

"Why couldn't you…? Oh, fuck it! We've wasted enough time." Justin fell to his knees wrapping his arms around Brian and holding him in a hug that threatened to crack every rib that the man possessed.

"What's going on?" Brian asked, bewildered at the change of events, but happy to be in Justin's arms once more.

"I'm contemplating forgiving you," Justin smiled as Brian looked into his eyes.

"You are?"

"I don't know how anyone could have been as stupid as you, but I always forget that I was your first relationship, your first … love. I expected you to understand things that you had no experience with. Your poor little heart just wasn't ready for the "R" word. I guess I was as stupid as you were. I should have called you on your shit."

"Yeah, you should have," Brian said with a crooked little smile.

"Asshole," Justin grinned at him. "Will you fucking kiss me? I've waited too many years."

Brian pulled Justin in tight against him and laid his lips gently on top of Justin's. They each emitted a little moan at the initial contact. All the years of being alone flooded through them. All the memories of their torrid past came rushing into their heads. Their breath caught in their throat and then they were ravishing each other's mouth, unable to control the passion that hit them like a thunderbolt.