Wild Child

Chapter 22

"Brian … um, Brian, stop. Please, Brian … stop!"

"Why? We both want this," Brian gasped burying his face in Justin's neck and starting to pull at his clothes.

"No, wait. This isn't going to happen." Justin shoved at Brian forcing some distance between them.

They sat on the floor next to the sofa, chests heaving and cocks erect. Justin knew that things had suddenly swung out of control and he wasn't prepared for it.

"You asked me to kiss you," Brian said rather indignantly. He wasn't used to being turned down by anyone, including Justin.

"I know," Justin admitted sliding on his butt and putting a little more space between them. "I wanted you to."

"Didn't you realize where that would lead?"

"No, no, I just thought I would like to remember... And … you seemed so upset. I wanted to comfort you."

"Comfort?" Brian snorted.

"Yeah, you know, when you put your arms around someone and hold them till they feel better."

"No shit! What the fuck would an asshole like me know about comfort?" Brian spit out bitterly.

"Briiaan."

"Okay, okay, just don't leave. We're not done yet."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

Brian narrowed his eyes and looked critically at Justin. It wasn't like Justin to play him, but this definitely wasn't the Justin he was used to. "I'm not sure of anything at the moment, but I feel like this is unfinished business that needs to … be finished," Brian said rather lamely.

"How eloquent of you," Justin said eyeing Brian warily.

Brian snorted again. He felt like he was the gangly teenager that he had been in the pictures in Michael's old bedroom. He wasn't sure why he felt so vulnerable and insecure, but he did. "Maybe the kiss wasn't such a good idea, but it sure felt good." Justin gave him a withering look. "Well, it did," Brian stated.

"I know. It felt just a little too good."

"How is that possible?" Brian asked bewildered.

"Just because something feels good doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you."

"So I'm not good for you?"

"Probably not."

Brian raised an eyebrow. He had never heard Justin talk like this before, but then he hadn't seen him for five years, one month and fourteen days. "Could we talk some more then?"

"You actually want to talk?"

"Will you stop fucking saying that!" Brian reacted. He had said they needed to talk, so why couldn't they just talk?

"So talk," Justin said with a little edge to his voice.

"I don't know where to begin," Brian admitted.

"You open your mouth and use your diaphragm and lungs to propel air across your vocal cords which makes words come out of said mouth."

"When did you start being such a smartass?"

"Some time after I realized that I needed to be sarcastic to … protect myself," Justin said looking meaningfully at Brian.

"You mean after I quit coming to New York?"

"Yeah, how many times can I be told I'm not enough before I begin to believe it?"

"You were always enough."

"You had a very strange way of showing that. It might have been nice to hear it from you once or twice."

"You know how much trouble I had admitting that … back then," Brian said slowly.

"And it doesn't seem to be much different now," Justin replied.

"You don't know that," Brian defended himself. He had admitted more to Justin in the last half hour than he cared to think about.

"So, what do you think you want to talk about?"

"About why things came down the way they did."

"You already said you did it for my own good," Justin repeated. He knew that was what Brian had thought at the time, but that didn't make him any more appreciative of the outcome.

"I did."

"If that's it, then I better be going," Justin said making as if to stand up.

"We needed time," Brian whispered.

"Time? We had all the time in the world ahead of us, if only you could have fucking believed that I loved you, and that you loved me right back."

"I knew that I loved you and I also knew that you loved me."

"Then what the fuck was the problem?" Justin demanded.

"You needed time to grow up," Brian said and received a death glare from Justin. "And so did I," Brian added in a barely audible voice.

"What?"

"I said that so did I."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Remember when Drew Boyd came out and he and Emmett got together as a couple."

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"He told Drew that he needed to go out and experience life as a gay man, that he was just a baby as far as gay relationships were compared."

"You're not fucking comparing yourself to Drew, are you? You've been with millions of men."

"Maybe thousands," Brian smirked. Justin glared at him again. "But as far as the relationship thing went, I was more of a baby than Drew. And you weren't much better."

"There was Ethan," Justin said defiantly. He knew Brian would hate him bringing up that sore subject. "After that, I knew what I didn't want … and what I did want."

"Ian was a pain in both our asses but that doesn't really constitute knowing what a good relationship is all about. You came back to me, didn't you?" Brian asked trying to be funny but not quite cutting it.

"You were what I wanted. I knew it as surely as the sun rises in the … west," Justin grinned.

Brian snorted. "See."

"I was kidding. We were going to get married, Brian. We both knew that we were right for each other."

"And then I fucked it up."

"Yeah, you did."

"I really thought you needed to experience more of life before you settled down. I wanted you to have a chance to start your career, and New York and then Europe seemed to be the way to do it."

"I understand that," Justin said patiently. There was no point in getting angry about this anymore. That time was long past. "But I knew what I wanted. I truly did. If only you could have believed that…"

Brian grimaced. "What if I told you that I do believe that now?"

Justin stared at Brian. "I…" he started but he didn't know how to complete the sentence. Some part of him still wanted Brian. It always would. But he had spent all these years convincing himself that it would never be. He had made a life for himself, such as it was, without Brian and he didn't think he could go back to being the needy teenager enthralled with the big, bad ad exec come stud of Liberty Avenue. That wasn't him any longer, and that seemed to be what Brian wanted. "I can't go back," Justin said simply.

That hurt. Brian winced inwardly but he tried not to show it. He had half expected something like this. "But what if we go forward instead?" Brian asked softly.

"What? What do you mean … forward?"

"What if we start over? What if we put aside what we were before and start fresh?"

"Is that possible?" Justin asked, taken aback by Brian suggesting such a thing.

"I don't know about you, Justin, but I'm not the same person I was back then. I've changed in some fundamental ways."

"Like what?" Justin wanted to know, now truly intrigued by this turn of events.

"I've tried one or two relationships," Brian said with a sigh. "I still suck at it, as you witnessed with Greg." Brian gave that funny little smile of his.

"Maybe you haven't picked the right partner," Justin observed, remembering how distasteful Greg had been in the few minutes that he had seen him.

"That's the problem exactly," Brian agreed. He stared right at Justin like he was telling him that he had had the right partner before but had been too stupid to hold onto him with all he was worth. "I never appreciated what we had, because I had nothing to compare it to, except maybe Ben and Mikey."

"Pulleease," Justin reacted and they both laughed. "How are they doing anyway?"

"Living in the frigid wilds of Buffalo and as happy as pigs in shit."

"That's some metaphor," Justin chuckled.

"Actually it's a simile, half of it anyway."

Justin punched Brian in the arm playfully. "Wise ass."

"Yeah, but at least you got it. Some of what I've been dealing with lately wouldn't know their ass from a simile or metaphor."

"So you like me for my brains?" Justin asked with a smile.

Brian nodded. "And I did mention ass."

"Ah yes, my ass."

"Have … have you found anyone?" Brian asked holding his breath.

"Several."

"Several?"

"I tried to have relationships. At first, they would seem to work, but then eventually they would become boring or the spark would die … or they'd reveal some dark, ugly secret that freaked me out."

"I always knew there was value in keeping my secrets to myself," Brian tried to joke.

"You were pretty good at it, for what it's worth."

"And it wasn't worth much as it turns out."

"You admit that?"

Brian nodded. "This seems to be my day for admitting things."

"Yeah," Justin said thoughtfully. "I wish we had talked like this back then."

"Neither of us was ready to talk like this. I was scared that you'd figure out what a huge asshole I really was … and you'd leave."

"And I was scared that I was fooling myself into believing that you really loved me. I thought I'd wake up one day and you'd just be gone … and you were," Justin said, dropping his head in a sign of defeat.

"I didn't mean for you to have regrets," Brian said softly.

"But I do," Justin said, his head coming up and his eyes sparkling with passion. "What happened to 'no apologies, no regrets'?"

"It went the way of the dodo bird. I've been apologizing since we came in here and I most certainly do have regrets."

Justin looked into Brian's eyes and studied what he saw there. He believed that Brian did regret what had happened, but that didn't help the fact that Brian had been the one who caused it. He could see the sincerity in Brian's eyes, but Justin wasn't at all sure that he was prepared to let Brian back into his life. How many times had they driven each other away and then come back together only to hurt each other again … always more than the time before.

"I…" Justin started to say something when there was a knock on the door.

"Brian, Justin?" Lindsay's voice came through the door.

"Yeah?" Brian called out.

"Mrs. Hadley says to tell you that dinner is ready. Would you like it in the dining room?"

Brian looked at Justin. "Do you want to stay here and continue our talk or are you hungry?"

Justin grinned. "I'm always hungry," he said and Brian smiled back at him. "I think we need a break, as long as you will continue this later."

"I think that could be arranged," Brian said standing up and offering Justin his hand.

Justin took the proffered hand and Brian hauled him up. Justin could feel that little tingle that always ran through him whenever Brian touched him. He let his momentum propel him against Brian and they both gasped at the contact.

"Dinner," Justin said deciding they better get out of there immediately before they were physically unable to separate. Their conversation had been interesting but it was far from over.

"Okay," Brian said following Justin to the door.

"Do you want to eat in the dining room?" Lindsay repeated.

"No!"

"Why not, Brian?" Lindsay asked. "Mrs. Hadley said that you just got a new dining room set."

"I did, but I like the kitchen better, and then Mrs. Hadley can join us," Brian said. He didn't want to be sitting miles away from Justin across the huge table that Greg had insisted they have. Besides, there would be more people around the kitchen table if Mrs. Hadley joined them, and he didn't want to have to make conversation. He was pretty well talked out for now.

They all headed for the kitchen and helped Mrs. Hadley set the table. Brian brought up the extra chair and insisted that Mrs. Hadley eat with them. She looked quizzically at him, wondering what was going to happen to the new dining set. Brian winked at her and she relaxed a little. She was still overjoyed that Greg Fernley was out of their lives.

Dinner proved to be a delicious roasted chicken with all the fixings. They ate in comfortable proximity. Brian made sure he sat beside Justin and every once in a while, he let his leg touch Justin's. Justin mostly avoided Brian's line of sight. He answered Lindsay's questions about Europe and his career. He was sorry to hear that things had not gone very well for them in Toronto.

They asked Gus about starting school in a few days. He didn't seem very excited about it, even though Brian finally remembered to tell him that he had had a message from the principal saying that Gus had been admitted to Bramley Hall. Lindsay gushed appropriately and hugged her son.

Brian said very little, but it didn't escape anyone's notice that his eyes kept continually returning to Justin's face at every opportunity. Something was certainly going on in that area. Gus was happy about it. Lindsay and Mrs. Hadley seemed mildly optimistic. Justin seemed uncomfortable and Brian was remote.

When the meal was finally finished, Lindsay went into the library to call Melanie and see how things were going at home. The rest of them helped Mrs. Hadley clean up after dinner and then went to sit by the pool as the sun was heading for the horizon.

"Justin," Gus asked quietly, "how did you get along in school?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Gus."

"Did you hate school?"

"When I first started, I loved school," Justin explained.

"Like Dad did?"

"I guess. But then when I was older at St. James, I hated it."

"Is St. James a private school?" Gus asked.

"Yeah."

"I'll be going to a private school," Gus said with a frown. "Why did you hate it?"

"I was gay, and when the jocks figured it out, they made my life a misery."

"Oh."

"Are you worried about going to Bramley Hall?" Justin asked him.

"A little."

"You'll do fine, Sonny Boy," Brian said chiming in for the first time. He had been watching Justin's interaction with Gus and marveling at how different it was than what had happened with Greg. He couldn't get over how blind he had been to Greg's faults. Actually, he hadn't really been blind, he had chosen to ignore what he could clearly see was happening. And Gus had been injured as a result. He shook his head sadly.

"I don't know," Gus replied looking worried. He was thinking about the guy who had pushed him into the tree.

"Is there anything specific that you're worried about?" Justin asked.

"Kind of."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No," Gus said slowly. He didn't want to get into all that right now. Maybe the guy would leave him alone once school started.

"If you need to talk, you can always call me," Justin told him. "I do have vast experience with private school," he laughed trying to cheer Gus up.

"Thanks, but you're probably going to be far away in Europe or somewhere," Gus said.

"You could still call me," Justin said.

"I guess."

They sat for a while in companionable silence. Justin could feel Brian's eyes on him from time to time.

"I should head back to Pittsburgh," Justin said as the sun went down.

"Do you have to?" Gus asked echoing Brian's own thoughts.

"It's getting late," Justin said.

"You could stay tonight," Brian suggested. "Sleep in the bed that you selected."

Gus heard that, and suddenly the master bedroom started to make some sense to him.

Justin smiled. "That's very tempting, but I should go."

"Please stay," Gus requested. Brian sighed in relief that he didn't have to say that himself.

"Well, okay," Justin gave in. "But just for tonight."

"I'm going to go see what Mom's doing on the phone. She's been in there forever." Gus headed to the library leaving Brian and Justin alone.

"Thanks for agreeing to stay," Brian said gently. "Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow."

Justin shrugged and the silence fell around them once again.

"Hey, Justin," Gus called from the doorway. "My favorite episode of "The Simpsons" is on. Come watch it with me."

Justin smiled and went inside to watch the show with Gus. Brian stayed on the patio wondering how he would get through the night with Justin down the hall and little hope of keeping him at Britin much longer.