Wild Child

Chapter 24

Brian woke and stretched luxuriously. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this good. His arm reached over searching for Justin. The bed was empty. Brian sat up looking around.

"Justin," he called softly towards the bathroom. There was no reply.

Brian got out of bed and went to look in the bathroom. It was empty. It was still early so he quietly opened his door after throwing on a robe. Maybe Justin had gone back to the master suite. Brian padded down the hall and checked the bedroom, the bath and the study. All were empty. He went to the window that faced the driveway and with some trepidation he looked out. Justin's rental car was gone. He had left Britin.

Brian felt his heart clench in his chest. He suddenly found it difficult to breathe. He slid down the wall and rested his head against the cool plaster. Justin was gone! Brian had thought last night might have changed everything, but Justin had chosen to run once again. Maybe it truly was too late for them. Brian let his head rest on his knees and he allowed the tears that he had fought for so many years to fall.

Some time later Brian felt a hand touch his shoulder.

"Dad? Dad! What's wrong?" Gus asked.

Brian blinked and wiped at his face with his hands. "Um … nothing," he said trying to get his voice to sound normal.

"Where's Justin? I was looking for you guys, and I couldn't find you anywhere."

"Um … he's gone back to Pittsburgh," Brian half croaked out.

"Why? What happened?" Gus asked, the look on his face showing that he was not happy with that turn of events.

"Justin has a life to live and a show that he has to be part of," Brian replied. He tried to stand but found that his legs didn't work very well.

Gus offered him a hand. Brian took it and let Gus pull him upright. He threw an arm over Gus' shoulder feeling the need for something to stabilize him in case his legs gave out. "Are you okay?" Gus asked.

"Yeah, I need a shower," Brian said and allowed Gus to steer him out into the hall. He refused to look at the four poster bed on the way by.

"Did something happen between you and Justin?"

"It's nothing to worry about, Gus. Go get dressed and maybe we can do something together today."

"I'd like that," Gus smiled, "but I want to know why Justin's gone. I wanted to see him."

"Just leave it, Gus. I don't want to talk about this right now." Brian disappeared into his bathroom and Gus sat down on his father's bed.

Gus knew it could not be a good thing that Justin had left without saying goodbye to him … or to anyone else. His father had been upset when Gus had found him sitting in the study off the master bedroom. He and Justin must have had a fight or something. But, they had seemed to be getting along so well the night before. Gus remembered how much he had enjoyed watching "The Simpsons" with Justin. He enjoyed everything he had done with Justin. He couldn't let this happen.

Gus spotted his father's cell phone sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. He picked it up and scrolled through the programmed numbers. Sure enough, there was a phone number for Justin. Taking a big chance, Gus pressed the number and waited.

"Hello," Justin's voice came on the line.

"Justin, it's Gus."

"Hello, Gus. What can I do for you?"

Gus wasn't sure whether he heard sadness or fatigue in Justin's voice. Neither one of them sounded very good. "I … I wanted to know why you left. I was hoping we could hang out today."

"I have things I have to do in Pittsburgh," Justin said feeling suddenly guilty for rushing away.

"I know, but … you didn't even say goodbye to me."

"I'm sorry, Gus, but I just had to get away."

"From Dad?"

Justin almost drove off the road. He was already in Pittsburgh and close to his mother's. He noticed a parking spot and pulled into it, deciding that might be the smartest move before he killed someone. "Gus, some things happened between your dad and me, and I need to sort them out."

"Does that mean you're coming back?"

"I don't know."

"But … you have to."

"I can't make any promises, Gus. I'm sorry but I need to go."

"Bye," Gus said.

Justin could hear the hurt in his voice as he cut the connection.

Gus sat with the phone in his hand staring at the evil instrument. It didn't sound like Justin was ever coming back.

"Gus, what are you doing with my phone?" Brian said as he came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He was drying his hair with another towel.

Gus turned angry eyes on his father. "I called Justin. What did you do to him?"

"Fuck!" Brian reacted before he could stop himself. "You don't have permission to go through my phone," he stated in his most parental voice trying hard not to yell at his son.

"You drove Justin away," Gus accused him. "He's never coming back."

"Did … did he say that?" Brian asked.

"It sure sounded like it. Why, Dad? Why couldn't you be nice to him?"

"I tried, Gus. Really I did."

"Not hard enough," Gus said bitterly. All his plans were ruined.

"Gus, I … can't we just hang out today and forget about Justin?"

Gus stared at his father like he had two heads. He tossed the phone on the bed and ran to the door. "I don't want to be around you." He swept through the door slamming it behind him.

Brian stared at the door wondering how he could have screwed up so badly in such a short time. He had thought that he and Gus were getting back on track, and now they were back at square one. He had thought he and Justin had reconnected and now he was gone. Brian let out a long sigh and opened the closet to find something to wear.

Lindsay found Brian sitting by the pool drinking coffee. "Morning," she said as she sat down beside him with some toast and her own coffee.

"Morning," Brian replied without really looking at her.

"Where's Gus and Justin?"

Brian winced. He had hoped she had talked to Gus or just fucking figured it out. "Gus is mad at me and Justin's gone."

"Gone?"

"As in left, departed, went home," Brian scowled.

"But…"

"Don't."

"Okay, then what's wrong with Gus?"

"He thinks I did something to Justin to drive him away."

"Did you?"

"Jesus, why does everything have to be my fault?"

Lindsay looked at him. He seemed raw, opened up somehow. Normally he would never have said anything about it being his fault. He would have merely accepted it as his due and suffered the insult without any apparent feeling. But he felt this. Something was different.

"Tell me what happened," Lindsay said softly.

"I … I was honest with him. I admitted things that I had done. I told him that I wanted to try again."

"You did?"

Brian nodded. "Last night I was probably more honest with him than I've ever been."

"And he walked away?"

"Hell, he ran, escaped without a word. He couldn't even stand to face me this morning," Brian said rubbing his face with his hands. It felt like someone had punched him in the jaw. The words hurt.

"Did you fuck?"

"It's none of your business," Brian said glaring at her. "But yes we did, or rather we made love," Brian amended.

Lindsay smiled a little bit. She had never heard Brian say that before. He had it bad. "Did you tell him you love him?"

"It … it never came up."

"But something else did," Lindsay said flatly.

"Christ!"

"He might have wanted to hear you say you love him … finally."

"I told him once before," Brian whispered.

"You did? When?"

"After Babylon was bombed. I was so scared he'd been hurt … or worse. I told him I loved him."

"And then you got engaged and were about to be married."

"Yeah, not too long after."

"And then I told you about his chance to go to New York and make it big."

"Yeah."

"And you let him go."

"Justin thinks I drove him away so that he'd take the opportunity."

"And did you?"

"Maybe a little. I wanted him to have his chance. I didn't want him staying with me and always regretting what might have been."

Lindsay sighed. "And what if what he really wanted was you?"

"That wasn't what you thought back then. You wanted me to let him go."

"I know, but I guess I kind of hoped you could make the relationship work anyway."

"We did for a while."

"But then it all fizzled?"

"More like we both chose something else?" Brian said slowly.

"It doesn't sound like you chose anything else. You just let Justin go. You thought you were doing the right thing, I'm sure."

Brian nodded. "That's what Justin said. But he doesn't think I know what's best for him. He blames me for what happened."

"He could be right." Brian glared at Lindsay. She was supposed to be his friend. "Brian, I've known you long enough to understand how you think. You didn't think you were worthy of Justin's love." Brian's glare intensified. "Or, at least, you didn't think he should be deprived of a chance of a lifetime." Brian nodded. "But it wasn't your decision to make."

"Justin made his own decision to go to New York."

"But you helped him?"

"Some."

"That's what I'm getting at. How many times do you think you can do that before he starts doubting what's real and what you're putting on for his benefit?"

"You think he doubted what we did last night?" Brian asked truly worried. It had been damn near perfect as far as Brian was concerned.

"I don't think he doubted the emotion. He doubted where it was going to lead," Lindsay said gently.

"As in leading to me pushing him away once again."

Lindsay nodded. "That's your track record."

"Fuck!"

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"What can I do? If he doesn't trust me…"

"Then you have to show him that you can be trusted."

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"

"Don't let him walk out of your life. Go after him. You'll never convince him of anything if you're sitting here on your ass and he's in Pittsburgh, maybe getting ready to go back to Europe."

"I … I can't go after him," Brian stated.

"Why, because the great Brian Kinney doesn't go after anyone? That gets fucking old! If you want Justin, go and get him."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"And he'll take me back?" Brian asked.

Lindsay laughed. "Fuck no! He'll kick you to the curb, but you have to keep trying until he gets the message."

"I don't know if I can do that," Brian admitted. He hated being on the receiving end of rejection. It was his privilege to reject. He had built his life around that fact.

Lindsay shrugged. "Then give up and admit that he's gone for good … and be miserable for the rest of your life." Lindsay stood up. "I'm going to find our son and see if I can make things right with him." She walked away without waiting for a response from Brian who was lost in thought.

Brian sat staring into the glistening water of the pool. Lindsay's words flooded his brain. "Keep trying. Don't let him walk away. Be miserable for the rest of your life." And Brian knew that if he didn't at least try to fight for Justin, he would be miserable for the rest of his fucking life. With great effort he pushed himself up out of the lounge chair. He walked slowly into the kitchen and then kept going upstairs to his bedroom. He walked through the door and stopped. He stared at his cell phone lying on the bed where Gus had tossed it. All he'd have to do was pick it up and hit Justin's number.

And then what? Justin would probably refuse to answer. Or if he did, he'd tell Brian to get lost. Or he'd listen patiently and then tell Brian that it was over once and for all, in that reasonable voice that always drove Brian crazy. Or he might cry, and that would be impossible to deal with, but not very likely to happen. Justin seemed much stronger now. Or maybe, just maybe, Brian could convince him to talk or to meet with him. He needed to try, if only he wasn't such a fucking coward, so afraid of a bad result. He wasn't sure what he would do if Justin refused to talk to him.

Hesitantly he made his way to the phone. He hated that his hand shook as he picked it up. Holding his breath he scrolled down to Justin's number and pressed. He waited while the phone rang a couple of times.

"Hello?"

"Justin, it's Brian."

"I know."

"And you still answered?" That had to be a good sign.

"Yeah."

"Why … why did you take off without a word?" Brian asked trying to keep his voice level.

"I was scared," Justin said his voice hardly above a whisper.

"Scared?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Did I do something?"

There was a rather long and disconcerting pause. "No, it wasn't you. It was me. Everything felt so normal, like we'd never been apart, and that scared me."

"I don't understand."

"It felt like it was the same as it's always been, and look how we've ended every time."

"I see."

"You do? What do you see … exactly?" Justin asked wanting to get Brian's take on this whole … whatever it was.

"I … felt like we'd never been apart, but I thought that was a good thing. I thought we had … reconnected."

"You did?"

Brian could almost hear the smile in Justin's voice. Maybe for once he had said the right thing. "I … I want to see you again."

"You do?"

Brian smiled. "I do. How about dinner tonight?"

"You mean like a date?" Justin asked with a grin.

Brian snorted. "Yes, I mean … exactly like a date," he stated boldly.

"This is Brian Kinney I'm talking to, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"It's just that you hate dating and…"

"Relationships? I thought you'd learned that I only reserve those things for you."

Justin was about to bring up that guy who had been at Britin, but thought better of it. "You sure you want to take me on a date?"

"I'm sure."

"Pick me up at seven," Justin said with a smile. This might be fun. "Oh, and I don't put out on the first date."

Brian snorted. "You've already put out."

"Not on a date," Justin said smugly.

Brian thought about that for a second. In all the time they had been together he would be hard pressed to name a date that they had gone on, at least anything that they had consciously called a date. This would be their first. "What hotel are you at?"

"I'm at my mother's."

"Oh, the condo?"

"No, she's in a new house." Justin gave Brian the address and some directions as to how to get there.

"I'll pick you up at seven. And thanks."

"Thanks? For what?"

"For giving us another chance."

"Brian, I don't know if this is another chance. I don't know what it is. Let's just take things slow and see where it goes."

"Okay," Brian said slowly. He wasn't sure he liked the sound of that, but at least he was getting to see Justin again. They could proceed from there. "Later," he said.

And he smiled as he heard Justin say, "Later," in response.

"Dad?" Gus said as he peeked his head in the bedroom.

"Are you speaking to me now?" Brian asked.

"Mom said I shouldn't give you such a hard time about Justin."

"She's right; you shouldn't."

"Um … sorry."

"It's all right, Gus. I know how much you like Justin."

"I do. I just wanted…"

Brian raised his hand to stop Gus from saying more. "Don't tell your mother but I just called Justin and asked him out on a date."

"You did?" Gus asked with a big grin. "Is he going?"

"You doubt me?" Brian smirked.

"That's great, Dad. Maybe you and Justin can…"

Brian pulled his son into a hug. "Don't get your hopes too high. It's just a date."

"But it could be the beginning…"

"Of nothing … or everything," Brian said softly. "I don't know what's going to happen, but it's a start."

Gus smiled. "I hope so."

"You know, speaking of apologies, you need to have a talk with your mother."

"I know."

"So why haven't you?"

"I … don't know what to say or how to say it."

"Just tell her what you feel."

"Just like that?"

Brian nodded. "I'm a great one to be giving advice in this area," Brian said sarcastically. "But I think that's the only way to do it."

"I'll try."

"Good."

"Want to go for a swim?" Gus asked hoping to change the topic.

Brian smiled at him. "You mean before my date?"

"Is it tonight?"

Brian nodded. "I have a few hours yet, so let's have that swim."

"And then I'll help you pick out what to wear," Gus laughed.

It was good to hear that sound. "You think I need help?"

"Maybe just a little."

Brian threw his arm around Gus. "Then I'm glad you're here to look after me."