CHAPTER 4 - WHY - BRIAN AND HOW - MICHAEL
BRIAN
The quiet is unnerving. Everyone is looking shocked and horrified.
“Brian?” Justin turns my face to him as I was glaring at Novotny. “You didn’t do that, did you?”
“Oh you didn’t tell him, Brian?! I thought you told him everything!” Novotny crows.
“How much do you hate my son that you let that out?!” Jennifer snarls, and everyone, including me, looks at her in surprise. “I will explain how I know. Why then, apart from the obvious?! Answer the question!”
“He’s not good enough for him!” Novotny shouts back. “But me hating him does not make me a would be killer!”
“Mom?” Justin leans across to touch her arm. “How did you know?”
“We both did. You and I…” She squeezes my arm. “...it was the nurses that told me.”
“Told you what?!” Lindsay snaps.
“What's the matter, 3V, not getting enough attention?!” Hunter retorts. “Be quiet, we will come to your part in this sorry tale later!” Lindsay is trembling with rage, but does shut that trap of hers for once. “Go at your own pace, Grandma Jen, nobody's going anywhere until we get the truth. From both of them!”
“Thanks, Hunter.” She takes both mine and Justin’s hands. “When you were first brought down from ICU, the doctors were amazed at how fast you recovered from surgery. That type of injury…” She stabs a look at Novotny, which he briefly flinches from. “...normally takes months, but with you it was weeks. I was so angry at you then, Brian, for being the cause of his pain, but then the night nurse told me. That was the first time you said it…”
“Said what? About the scarfing?” Justin looks at me when he says that, as if searching for a reason.
“No, that he loved you and just wanted you to come back. Even if he never saw you again, he just wanted you alive.” Debs hands her a tissue, they both dry their tears. “Then every night Brian would come into your room and talk to you. I think you told him every deep and dark secret you had. Nothing about your friendship with him, but about how hard your childhood was and how Debs saved you and your hopes, dreams, fears and guilt. You even confessed that you bought the picture at the GLC. Then one night I was outside the room and you were trying to speak to your best friend, to get some comfort, but unusually he wasn’t picking up and you were so hurt. You understood that he couldn't come to see him because of the injury, but to not speak to you, that cut you to the heart and you were in enough pain. That stuck with me.”
The room is quiet apart from the odd sniffle, not from Emmett who is locked on Novotny, it is Jay-Ray and Gus that are weeping. Mel is trying to comfort both of them as Lindsay sits stony-faced, the heartless bitter old crone!
“Tell me the rest. I need to hear it from you.” Justin whispers.
“I was exhausted, but I couldn't not go. The doctors were telling me that there was a marked difference in your mood the next day when I had been and talked; as opposed to when I had been and just gotten some...” I scrub my face and he takes my hands.
“I am going nowhere.” He whispers against my lips. The kiss is soft, gentle, but most importantly, reassuring. “Nowhere. Now continue.”
“I was super busy at Ryder, maintaining my rep and coming to see you. Cyn was the only one, I thought, who knew about my night visits. She would send work there. Never said anything, to this day, just did it…” He blows her a kiss which she returns. “...one night I went back to the loft as I had forgotten something...”
Start of flashback
THE LOFT - FOURTEEN YEARS PRIOR
BRIAN
I sit bolt upright as the door bangs open. “Michael?!” I shout as the door slams shut.
“No!” The voice of Jennifer Taylor has me scrambling off the bed panicked. I don’t care how she got in here, it is the why! She is pacing up and down the lounge in the dark.
“Mrs Taylor, what’s happened?!”
“You! You happened! You're late!” She bellows. “Where have you been? It’s two in the morning?!”
“Two!” I gasp. “It can’t be! I only lay down for one minute when I got in!”
“From where?! Babylon?! A darkened alley?! He is sleeping badly, now get fucking dressed!” I click on the light so she doesn't bump into anything. “I can't believe you! One minute you are telling him everything about you and willing him to live! Then the next, after a frustrating day for him, you...oh my god!” She is staring at me, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes huge. “When was the last time you ate?!” She demands, dashing to the kitchen. “You look ill and are skin and bone!” She yanks open the fridge. “There is nothing here but mould!”
“Mrs…”
“Go and have a shower, then straight back to bed. You need rest. You didn’t lock the door, anyone could’ve come in! Where are your keys, is there a code?” I sit down on the steps as the relief that he is still with us overwhelms me. “Oh, Brian, I am so sorry. I didn't think.” I lean into her as she wraps an arm around me. “I need the code, will do some shopping...take a couple of days, Justin will be fine…”
End of flashback
“Except you weren’t, as two days turned into a week. I was so run down I got a viral infection. Ryder almost sent me to rehab as he thought I was partying hard, but when it was explained, he…”
“You told him?!” Novotny gasps.
“No, I told him.” Cyn snaps. “I didn’t mention names or the circumstances, but once he knew he backed off and even got a home office set up in the loft. He valued and respected Brian that much And still does. Will he be coming to the wedding?”
“Yeah, but back to this.” I swallow hard. “Sunshine, you deteriorated so badly during that week. You wouldn't eat or do your exercises. They had to send you back up to ICU to tube feed you…”
“The only thing is my badge!” Carl snaps. “I want you to be alive for this!”
“I called him when they took you up.” Jennifer sniffs. “I knew he was sick, but I was desperate. I could not lose you after seeing you come so far.” She heaves a sigh. “I begged the doctors and was prepared to buy a hazmat suit just so he could get to you.”
“I remember the feeding...god that was awful. My throat hurt so bad after. They sedated me because I was fighting against it, I just wanted to die.”
“It was the first night…”
Start of flashback
ALLEGHANY HOSPITAL - FOURTEEN YEARS AGO
JUSTIN’S BEDSIDE
BRIAN
“What the fuck are you doing?” I weep, taking his hand. It looks like bone china, such is the ‘skeletal delicacy’ of it. “Listen to me, you twat, you are going to eat with a knife and fork when you wake up in the morning! That beautiful butt of yours is disappearing, and even if I never have it again, I want to see it bounce down the street!” I look up as one of the nurses comes in and looks at me in concern. “Had to come.” She just nods. “Would you stay with him while I get some coffee?”
“No. I will get you the coffee and maybe a bacon sandwich or a roll. Marla, our very caring receptionist, told me you were back but said you weren’t looking well. We are worried. When did you last eat?”
“Um…”
“Then that is too long ago. Bacon and eggs, you need the protein, orange juice and coffee?” I just nod. “He has been calling for you in his sleep. Just so heartbreaking, hope they find whoever did this.”
Before I can respond she leaves, shutting the door behind her. I look at his pale form and pray, but know they won't even try. “So, confession time. I did something so stupid to get the ultimate high, which, if he hadn’t helped me, then you and I would not be here. And if he hadn’t said who I am for fuck sake, and I hadn't been doing what I was before he...well, then I wouldn't have come to your prom. I tried scarfing, and for a few brief minutes it was great, better than great, but then I got the image of you in my head. Our first night together, your persistence, and you wanting me and only me. I mean, I was used to that, but this time there was a determination, pureness and innocence. I have never, ever said those words during sex, and it shook me to my core that I remembered saying them the next day. When he came to the loft, I was already getting myself down because I was determined to go to my first prom with you as my date.” I wipe my eyes. “Now I need you to get better. Please get better.”
End of flashback
“You were already getting down?” Justin sniffs. “You were stopping?”
“Yeah, but in his haste to help he tightened the knot, and because it was silk...”
“Was it the scarf?”
“Yeah. Once I was down and he made his speech, I was up all night thinking about how much of a twat I was. And...and how devastated you would’ve been when you found out. And you would’ve found out, either kindly from Debs or laying the blame at your door from him.”
“Mom, how did you hear then?” He asks, resting his head against my shoulder.
“Bumped into the nurse and said I would take the food, that’s when I heard you. I could not intrude on that moment, so asked her to do it.”
I look across at a white as a ghost and still as a statue Novotny. His expression is strange. He looks devastated, but I can’t understand why. “So what’s that look for?”
“Because of his egomaniacal thought that it was because of him…” Ben looks relieved and content. “...I always had it in the back of my mind that what he thought was true.”
“What did he think?” I frown.
“Oh my god!” Daph squeals before snickering. “You? You...did you, oh my, oh my, oh my...you really thought that he was trying to go out in a blaze of glory because you were leaving?!” That question silences the room and his reddening face gives us the answer. “Nobody...no...body...will ever, and I mean, never ever, kill themselves for you. Kill you, oh yeah, you are worth the jail time! But dying for...no-puh!” For a few seconds there is silence, then I hear Ted’s hiccuping snort, followed by the tittering of Blake. “Can you imagine him at the funeral?!” Daph chuckles. “Clutching a red rose, weeping into a tissue. News flash...hates roses, thinks they are too cliched. And before you start in over those plumptious blooms in the vases, they’re Justin’s favourites. He gets him a massive bouquet once a month, no matter where he is, and on his birthday blue ones.” Now all thoughts of laughter are forgotten; again people are staring, but there is understanding and pride. “Cost a fucking fortune to ship them to New York for three years, but he is, and will always be, worth it.”
“Why ship them, surely you could order from…” Emmett begins before smiling softly. “...what was it about them?”
“The smell.” Juatin replies.
“All roses smell the same!” Novotny snaps.
“No they don’t. He made sure that I remembered the smell of home.” Justin beams. “Cigarettes and his aftershave, he scented them for me.”
MICHAEL
I am reeling. Whilst everyone is billing and cooing over their love, I feel so wretched. I remember that scarfing day as clear as anything. He hadn’t turned up for my leaving party. I was sitting in the bedroom about to call him when David came in at the same time the front door went. When Ma said that this must be the asshole finally having found Gucci plaid, I knew what I had to do. I started a row with David. Admittedly I was a bit pissed off that I wasn’t being allowed to do anything, like if I was moving with Brian, as he would give me a choice in things, but I was relieved that he was finally here. But he wasn’t and with David there I couldn’t call him to find out where he was, so I lashed out.
The day after I was so worried that I went to the loft. I had gone to Ryders, but they said he was off sick. But I know Brian, he is never sick. I prayed that he hadn’t tried again. When I got inside he wasn’t there, but his suit was hanging up with the scarf. I couldn't understand it, then I saw them. First the invite, looks like Boy Wonder made a fancy-schmancy invitation to the prom to try and impress Brian, and then the box it was resting against…
Start of flashback
LOFT - FOURTEEN YEARS AGO
BEDROOM
MICHAEL
“Wed...wedding rings! Prom invite! He can't be serious?!” My mouth goes drier than a desert as the full implications hit me. “He has clearly gone insane! I have to…” I rush to the window when I hear the familiar roar of the jeep engine. Out hops a guy I have never seen before; he leans into the drivers’ window for a few minutes before entering the building. I decide to take that time to speak to Brian, so, pocketing the box and the invite, I lock up and head downstairs. But when I get to the street the jeep is gone. “Where the fucking hell is he now?!” I growl, then try his cell again, but once more it rolls to voicemail.
MICHAEL’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
I am in turmoil. The invite and Tiffany box are taunting me from my mantle. I haven't heard from Brian all day. He knows I leave tonight! That’s it, I am going to track him down. I look at the address of the hotel for the prom before heading to the stove with the invite. I turn on the gas and watch it burn.
PROM VENUE - EARLY EVENING
I have been sitting here for hours, watching hoards of giggling teenagers go inside. I am about to leave when I spot that flash of blonde hair and tense up, but I am relieved to see him walking in with Daphne, which means one thing: he has come to his senses! But, just to be sure, I wait another ten minutes. The invite said that all attendees had to be inside by half past eight, nobody would be allowed in afterwards. I sink back against the tree. He didn’t come for him!
The relief is such that I have to pee so I rush down to the car park under the hotel as I saw toilets there. Fifteen minutes later, I am heading back to my car, but something catches my eye. My heart pounds as I slowly approach the jeep. It looks like his, but the way it is boxed in I can't see the license plate so I decide to wait just a little longer in my car…
...three hours later, the sound of engines wake me up. I wipe my mouth and look around. The plate is now visible and it is his! I can't breathe! I hunker down as people come out laughing and joking. Soon there is quiet, until there isn’t. I hear the laughter...laughter I recognise all too well. I watch them twirl to the jeep. When he says ridiculously romantic, I want to rip off my ears! After all this time, it should be me he is saying that to.
They kiss and talk, but low so I can’t hear. As quietly as I can, I get out and edge closer to them but keep in the shadows. “Meet you back at the loft in an hour, have a question for you.” Brian says to him, and my soul burns.
“What is it? Ask me now.”
“No, it has to be where it started. Now go and get Daph back safely, then bring that beautiful bubbly butt to the loft.”
“Okay. This has been the best night of my life.” He simpers before taking the scarf off of him and draping it over his neck.
“Mine too. I hope this never ends.” Brian replies, and my heart shrivels to dust.
As the deliverer of my destruction heads back to get his fag hag, I feel something against my foot. I look down and there is a baseball bat. I don't know where it came from or how long it has been there. Iit feels so wet and cold, but it is a sign as far as I am concerned, a sign for me to end this once and for all. I pick it up and track him. Just as I swing, Brian calls his name. The crack of his skull is so satisfying. I am about to swing again when I hear footsteps, so I run, but a hand grabs me then I am in the worst pain imaginable.
I crumple to the floor, trying not to scream whilst clutching my knee. I can hear Brian screaming no, but I don’t care, I need to get away. Using the bat as a crutch, I limp to my car. Ten minutes later, I have thrown up twice and am trying to stem the flow of blood, the car is a mess. But my mind is clear and my heart happy, I smirk as the ambulance peels out...as he died a beautiful, well to me, death.
End of flashback