The First Fifty

Chapter 1

Prologue

“Dad, is this a good time to talk?” Gus asked as he came into the living room. 

Brian was sitting on the sofa, a snifter of brandy in his hand, the album Joan had given him was on his lap.  The fireplace was going; the flames were reflecting interesting patterns against the windows. Justin was sketching in the porch.  Bree was half asleep in her pajamas, leaning against Brian just under his arm. It was the holiday vacation so Brian saw no reason to put Bree to bed.  Gus was spending a few days on the lane then in Pittsburgh before flying to New York to spend time with Ray.

The cottage was peaceful and calm.

“I know I’m in for trouble, when you call me dad,” Brian quipped then took a sip of brandy.

“Please, Pop, I’d really like to know about you and Joan and...Jack,” Gus added with some hesitation.

Brian contemplated Gus’ request then made room for Gus on the sofa.

“Sit,” Brian said patting the cushion.  “You really want to take this walk down memory lane?  You may not like what you learn.”

“Dad, Joan told me about her past and I can’t walk down Liberty Avenue without someone challenging me.”

“Challenging you?”

“Yeah, they want to know if I’m the new stud.”

“Don’t those queers have anything better to do?  That was a long time ago.”

“The legend lives on,” Gus assured his father with a smirk and a pat to his leg.

“Peachy.”

“What’s this?”  Gus indicated the book.

“Joan had this made.  Justin gave it to me when we were in New York.”

“It’s beautiful,” Gus said as he took the book.  “A Christmas present?” Brian shook his head.

“More like an early birthday present,” Brian replied.

“Your birthday’s in the Spring, right?” Gus asked innocently.

“Yes.  The time of the year when young men think of proms and graduation,” Brian said with a touch of sarcasm.  ‘And of baseball bats and scarfing,’ Brian thought to himself.

“What’s in it?”

“My life.  Open it. I’m not sure I have the balls to look at it by myself.”

“Do you want me to get Justin?”  Gus was surprised by his father’s admission.

“No, it’s about time I grew some balls.”

Brian put his glass down on the coffee table then slid the book back onto his own lap.  He took a deep breath and opened the cover.

Dear Brian,

I’m proud of you, son.  I know I never said those words when you were a child and throughout your life when you most needed to hear them.  But nevertheless, I am so very proud of you. I’m only sorry it took me such a long time to work up the courage to finally say it.  I hope you can forgive me.

You, your accomplishments and your fine family have made me the proudest woman.  Thank you for allowing me into your life. I am so fortunate that I’ve gotten to know you, Justin and my precious grandchildren, Gus and Briana.

I love you, my dearest boy.  I always have and always will.

Love,

Mother - Old Joanie

*****

0-5

“Mr. Kinney? It’s a boy,” the nurse came out to tell Jack who was paging through an old baby magazine. “You can see him in about a half an hour.”

“Yeah, sure. Where can I grab a smoke?” Jack asked as he stood, throwing the magazine on a table.

“The solarium is right through there,” the nurse said pointing at a set of double doors. “Your wife is doing fine, in case you’re interested.”

“Thanks.” Jack turned his back on the nurse then made a hasty retreat toward the solarium. He had been waiting for hours without a cigarette. And he really wanted a drink.

Jack never saw the look of disgust on the nurse’s face as he walked out.

*****

“Your dad looks pretty happy in that picture,” Gus observed. 

“Joan must have caught him in a weak moment,” Brian said snarkily, although all he felt was sad.

“Why aren’t there any pictures of you and Grandma Joan?”

Brian looked at Bree who was still dozing. “Joan probably couldn’t find a moment when Jack was sober enough to take a focused picture of her and the new bundle of joy.”

“You sound really bitter,” Gus observed. 

“I was … for a long time.”

“That’s … awful.”

“I don’t think anybody ever really wanted me,” Brian whispered. He was finding this really hard, until Gus put his arms around his father and gave him a warm hug.

*****

“Claire, come and say hello to your new brother,” Joan said as she and the new baby entered the house.

Claire hung back not sure she wanted anything to do with this new body that was going to usurp her exclusive place in the family. She liked being the only child. She got all the attention, such as there was of it. She didn’t think having another baby was a good idea. 

“I’ll be going now,” Mrs. Donnelly their neighbor said. She had agreed to watch Claire until Jack and Joan got back from the hospital, but she never enjoyed being around Jack Kinney. He scared her.

“Thanks so much for keeping an eye on Claire,” Joan said.

“He’s a very cute baby,” Mrs. Donnelly said before rushing out. She hurried past Jack who was bringing in Joan’s bag from the hospital.

“Claire, come and say hello to your brother,” Joan repeated.

Reluctantly Claire walked over to see her brother. “Hello, baby,” she said because she knew that was what was expected of her.

“His name is Brian.”

Claire nodded. She didn’t really care what this baby was called. She just wished he’d disappear.

“I need a beer,” Jack said as he dropped Joan’s bag by the door and headed for the living room. He dropped down into his big armchair.

“Get a beer for your father,” Joan instructed Claire.

Claire retrieved a can of beer from the fridge and carried it over to her father.

“Thanks, princess,” Jack said as he popped the tab. That made Claire smile. She liked being her father’s princess.

Just at that moment Brian gave a wail. 

“He needs to be changed,” Joan said. “Claire, bring my bag upstairs and you can watch me change your brother.”

Claire made a face but she did as instructed. She stood patiently observing while her mother changed the diaper and cooed over the new baby. When Joan was done, she laid a sleepy Brian down in his crib to nap. Joan started to leave the room. “You coming, Claire?”

“I want to look at him for a minute,” Claire said.

“Okay, just watch though. Let him sleep,” Joan cautioned before she went to unpack her bag from the hospital.

Claire studied the tiny baby who had already fallen asleep. “This was my bed first,” she whispered to her brother. “Everything is mine first, daddy and mommy too. I wish you’d go away,” she added as an afterthought. Before she thought about it, her hand snaked through the bars of the crib and gave Brian a hard pinch. He awoke screeching in pain. Claire quickly ran to her room.

“Shut that brat up!” Jack yelled from downstairs.

“I will, I will,” Joan called back as she hurried in to see what had woken her sleeping baby.

*****

Brian shivered for a moment then rubbed his arm.  Gus looked up at him in horror.

“Dad, are you okay?” Gus whispered, worry written on his face. 

Brian studied his son’s face. “I’m fine.  You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”  Gus was not convinced. “I had a full physical just after Joanie died, including a cardiac work up.  And I saw my oncologist; there are no clogs in any of the plumbing. I think I’m just leaning on my arm wrong,” Brian said as he moved over.  Bree murmured as she was jostled.

“I can put her to bed if you want.”

“She’s fine where she is, Sonny Boy.  It feels good to have her here,” Brian said patting Gus’ leg.  He was somehow comforted by her presence, Gus’ too.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”  Brian slid the book over to Gus.  “Turn the page.”

*****

“Mommy, it’s not my birthday,” Claire said as she tugged on her mother’s arm.

“Oh no, Claire!” Joan cried out as she made a mess out of the ‘A.’  “It’s Brian’s birthday. I made him his favorite cake for dessert tonight.  As soon as your father comes home we’ll have dinner and then we can all sing Happy Birthday.”

Joan glanced toward the front door of their modest little house.  She kept reminding herself that this was only temporary. Jack promised her that they’d be moving to the city one day and she still believed.  He was in the union and up for a better position, if he’d only stop drinking. He had potential, Joan was convinced. Her husband was going to make it big in Pittsburgh.  Jack promised her, only ten short years and then they’d move to a nicer, bigger house in Pittsburgh. Claire was almost five and Brian three years younger. Joan had only five more years to wait.

She glanced at the door and at the clock on the stove.  It was after seven. The kids would be getting hungry.

“He promised to come home on time,” Joan mumbled to herself.  The cake was just about finished. “There, that’s not so bad?”  Joan stood back to admire her handiwork. Claire stood on tiptoe to see the cake on the table.  Joan turned to take a candle out of a drawer. She had saved the candles she used on Claire’s cakes.  They were only lit for a minute or two, no need to waste a whole candle.

Joan took out the large white two and placed it in the middle of the cake.

“That’s my candle, mommy,” Claire protested.

“It’s nice to share.  Besides, you were only a baby.  You’re all grown up now. Brian can use the candle.” 

“But it’s mine!”  Claire wailed, startling toddler Brian who was asleep in his playpen in the living room.  The boy flinched letting out a startled cry. Just then Jack stormed through the door.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Jack roared.

“You’re late and you’re drunk,” Joan screeched.

“Yeah, so what!  It’s not like I have someplace nice and quiet to come home to,” Jack spat back.

Joan took Brian out of his playpen and set him on the floor.  He made a beeline for the kitchen to get away from the noise. Claire managed to grab her candle off the cake by pulling the plate closer to the edge of the table.  As his parents argued, Brian stretched up to touch the pretty yellow ‘thing’ that caught his eye.

There was a crash and the baby screamed.  Joan rushed into the kitchen to pick up her cake coated boy.  Claire snatched up her candle and a small piece of cake then hurried into her room.  She didn’t care about dinner or her brother.

“I’m outta here,” Jack said grabbing his jacket then slamming the front door after him as he left the house.

Brian sniffled.  He wasn’t hurt but the cake falling on him scared him.  He didn’t even try to eat the cake; he was just attracted to the yellow color.  Joan put Brian in his high chair. She was just about to get a cloth to clean him up then tackle the mess on the floor when she noticed a bottle of cooking sherry near the sink.

“Why not,” she said to herself.  Joan took out a glass from the cupboard and poured herself a drink.

“Ma Ma,” came a little voice from the high chair.  Big hazel eyes were watching her, a sticky hand held out.

“I suppose you want me to clean you up.  I thought it was only girls who liked things clean and tidy.”

“Ma!”  A little eyebrow arched up.

“All right.”  Joan poured herself a little more sherry, drank it quickly then proceeded to clean up the mess.

*****

“That’s a nice cake.  Did Grandma Joan bake it?” Gus asked.

 “I guess so.  She must have if it’s in here but I don’t remember it.”

“You were probably a baby,” Gus surmised.  Brian nodded. “You don’t really like cake, do you?”

“No, not really.  I’ll eat some if I have no choice,” Brian joked.

“You mean if Debbie or Emmett stand over you and threaten to take your other ball,” Gus teased. 

Brian chuckled. “Something like that.  I never developed a sweet tooth…”

“Except for your coffee,” Gus corrected him.

“That’s different.”

“Suurre it is.”

“Maybe it was the icing.  It looks pretty but I can feel my teeth rot just thinking about eating it.”

“But you’ll eat lemon bars.  Talk about rotting your teeth.”

“Yeah, well, when Debbie has a bug up her nose, you do what you have to do to survive.”

“I bet she thinks she cures anything with her lasagna and diner lemon bars,” Gus quipped.

“You mean she can’t?” Brian said putting his hand to his chest. 

Gus laughed.  “Dad?” Brian arched a brow, waiting for the next personal question.  “He hit you, didn’t he?” Brian nodded. “When you were little?”

“No.  I don’t think so.  At least I don’t remember him hitting me until I was maybe ten or twelve.  Maybe he was waiting until I was big enough to fight back. I was always tall for my age.”

“Like me?”  Gus smiled.

“Just like you,” Brian said leaning in to buss Gus’ cheek.  “You grew like a weed. I never knew what that expression meant until I began to gar-gar.”

“Gar-gar?  You can use grownup words now, ya know.”

“There’s gardening and then there’s gar-gar.”

“Ah, well that clears it up,” Gus smirked.  “But I understand,” Gus said after a minute.

“You do?”

“Yes, I do.  I think gar-gar is one of the best things you do with Bree and Patrick.  He won’t admit it but he likes when you ask him to help. I did too when I was a kid.”

“You’re still a kid.”

“Oh Daaad.”  Gus rolled his eyes like all impatient young men.

“Do you know how proud of you I am?”

“Yes, I know.  I’ve always known, even when I was living with the moms.  I love you, Pop, and I’m proud of you too. Grandma Joan was honest with me,” Gus went on to say.  “Aunt Claire seemed to be Jack’s favorite, but she never knew why until she met Grandma Claire.”

“I try not to play favorites,” Brian murmured looking down at the sleeping little girl curled up next to him.

“I never felt you did.  I never felt deprived of your love even when you were far away.  I never once felt you loved Bree more than me or me more than Bree.  I even know how much you love Patrick and JR. We’re all important to you; different but the same.”

Brian had nothing to say.  He felt a sense of relief knowing that Gus never felt deprived of love or thought that just because Bree was the princess of their little kingdom, she was the favorite.  Bree stirred.

“Dada, can I have a snack?”

“It’s late, you should be in bed,” Brian told her.

“I don’t hafta go to school tomorrow.”

“True.”

“Come on, Pop.  Give her a break.  I could go for a snack too,” Gus nodded in agreement.

Just then Justin walked into the room.

“Hey, Bri, do we have any more of those lemon bars Lacy brought with her.  I’m in the mood for a snack,” Justin said with a big smile.

Suddenly, Brian was surrounded by three big smiles.  

“I sense a conspiracy.  Okay, I know when I’m outnumbered.  And I happen to know where the stash of lemon bars is hidden.”

Brian pushed himself off the sofa then headed for the kitchen with three happy people in tow.

*****

“What’s this?” Gus asked as he turned another page in the album.  After the lemon bars they had all returned to the sofa to continue looking through Joan’s album.

Brian leaned over to take a closer look.  “It’s my kindergarten report card,” Brian said with surprise.  “I wonder why Joan ever kept that.”

“Maybe because she was proud of you,” Gus replied as he noted the above average comments from the teacher.  “You were a smart little kid.”

Brian snorted.  “What’s does it take to outshine a bunch of five year olds?”

“Quite a bit when you’re five yourself.”

Brian didn’t answer, but merely stared at the report card.

*****

“Claire, take your brother’s hand,” Joan instructed as she walked down the street with her two children.  It was the first day of school of a new school year. Claire would be going into the second grade and Brian would be starting kindergarten.

“I don’t want to hold the baby’s hand,” Claire said with a snotty look for her little brother.

“I’m not a baby,” Brian said.

“The big boys will beat you up,” Claire said with a gleam of suppressed pleasure in her eye.

“No they won’t,” Brian objected.

“Of course they won’t,” Joan said giving her daughter a glare.

Brian felt a twinge of worry in spite of his brave words.  He didn’t want to get beat up. He didn’t want to get picked on.  As they approached the school, there were some little kids crying and clinging to their mothers.  They looked pathetic. Brian decided he would never be one of them, never be pathetic. He decided then and there that nobody would make him cry.  He was going to be brave. Nobody would call him a scaredy cat or a sissy.

Claire ran off to join some other girls and Joan took Brian to the door of the classroom where he would spend the first year of his school life. 

“I’m fine, mommy,” Brian said.  “You can go home. I can do this by myself.”

Joan leaned down and patted his shoulder.  He was a brave little boy. “Have a good day,” she said, and then she was gone.

Brian entered the class alone, like he would do so many things in his life.