The First Fifty

Chapter 5

21 – 25

“Wow, Pop! Look at this,” Gus said enthusiastically as he turned the page in Joan’s album.

“What?” Brian asked with surprise. Surely Joanie didn’t have a picture of him caught in flagrante or with his dick hanging out. Justin wouldn’t have given her something like that, would he? “I’m almost afraid to ask,” Brian said softly. “What is it?”

“It’s an article from the Daily Collegian, the Penn State newspaper, all about you,” Gus said enthusiastically.

“I know what the Daily Collegian is,” Brian informed his son. “I went there too.”

“Right, Pop, but it’s all about a big soccer win and then there’s a profile about you.”

“How did that get in Joan’s album?” Brian asked. “Justin!” he called, and then waited for his husband to appear. “What do you know about this article in Joan’s album? Have you been going on line to dig up ancient history about me?”

“Brian, it may surprise you to know that Joan had quite a collection of clippings and articles about you,” Justin said as he joined them in the living room.

“More than surprise,” Brian replied. “Try astonishment!”

“Well she did,” Justin continued. “She had saved every article she could find.”

“How would she get the Daily Collegian?”

“I asked her the same thing, and she told me that she had asked a local kid who went to Penn, Billy somebody-or-other from down the street, to bring copies of the paper home with him whenever he came back to Pittsburgh.”

“Billy Jacobsen,” Brian muttered. He couldn’t believe Joan had gone to all that trouble when she never had a good word to say about him to his face.

Justin looked at Brian. “She was always proud of you, Brian,” he said gently.

“But I guess it would have killed her to tell me.”

Justin shook his head. “When we were working on the album, I asked her basically that. I knew you felt like your parents never approved of what you did.”

“And how did she explain it?” Brian asked really wanting to hear the answer.

“She said she thought you would just scoff and make fun of her if she brought it up.”

Brian’s eyes opened wide for a second and then he shook his head. “We were so fucked back then,” he said barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, but you made it up later on.”

“Yeah, Pop, you and Gran really loved each other,” Gus felt like he had to add.

Brian sucked his lips in and didn’t say anything else. After all, what was there to say about so many lost years without each other, and at times such pain inflicted on one another?

*****

“Hey, Deb,” Brian said as he came through the door of the Novotny home.

“You’re home!” Debbie screeched.

Brian dropped his duffle bag behind the sofa and opened his arms in preparation for Debbie’s bone crushing hug. He wasn’t disappointed.

“It’s about time you came home for a visit,” Debbie chastised smacking his cheek.

“Yes, mother,” Brian replied contritely.

“Are you doing great with your studies?” Brian nodded. “That’s my boy!”

“Are you going to stay with us?” Debbie asked. She thought she knew the answer, but felt compelled to ask.

“Is it a problem?” Brian asked uncertainly.

“Never!” Debbie declared. “I just thought you might like to see your parents.”

“Why? They have no interest in seeing me,” Brian said bitterly.

“Brian…”

“You know it’s the truth. Is Mikey home?” he asked, effectively changing the subject.

“Does it look like it?” Debbie asked testily. She thought Brian should try to make things up with his parents, but she had learned long ago that one did not tell Brian Kinney what to do about anything.

“Where is he?”

“He’s at work. He started at the Big Q a couple of weeks ago,” Debbie informed him.

“Doing what?”

“Stocking shelves.

Brian frowned. “I thought he was going to community college.”

“He did … for a while, but…”

“He wasn’t doing so well,” Brian supplied.

“Yeah, so he dropped out about a month ago. I told him he had to get a job, and now he’s at the Big Q.”

“What the fuck kind of future does that hold?”

“They told him when he went in for an interview…”

“You have to have an interview to stock fucking shelves?” Brian demanded.

“They told him when he went in for an interview…” Debbie repeated with a look that dared Brian to comment again, “that he could work his way up to manager if he stayed with the company.”

“For how long?” Brian asked with a frown.

“It will take a while,” Debbie admitted.

Brian was about to tell Debbie that her son was better than that, but he thought better of it. It was Mikey’s life. He had to do what was right for him. Brian would never be satisfied with such a future, but then he wasn’t Mikey.

“I’m sure he’ll do really well at the Big Q,” Brian said after a minute, and he really meant it. He wanted Michael to be happy in whatever he chose to do.

Debbie smiled. “I made lasagna. Come have some.”

Brian followed her to the kitchen knowing that there was always plenty of good food at Debbie’s. He would be glad for a few solid meals. Ramen noodles wore thin after weeks of them.

***** 

“Hey, Pop, why are you sitting alone in the dark?” Gus asked as he walking into the sun porch finding his father on a chaise, one of Joan’s afghans across his lap and a snifter of brandy in his hand.

“I’m not sitting in the dark,” Brian retorted.

“I’m not sure if Christmas lights count,” Gus said as he pulled up a chair.

“And I’m not alone,” Brian said ignoring his son’s comment. Beau groaned as he raised his head then laid it down on Brian’s thigh. Brian patted the big dog’s head. “See?”

“I agree, Beau is very good company but I’m not sure if he counts either.” Beau snorted as if insulted.

“Be careful, Sonny Boy, Beau is a very sensitive dog. Aren’t you, boy?” Brian scratched Beau between the ears. Bright big brown eyes sparkled at him.

“How many of those have you had?” Gus asked indicating the brandy. Brian narrowed his eyes. Gus held up his hands in surrender. “I’m just asking. Where’s Justin?” He quickly changed the subject.

“He and Bree went to the General Store with John and Patrick for ice cream. They shouldn’t be long. Bobby’s working late tonight. Did you and Ray have a stimulating conversation?” Brian snarked and waggled his eyebrows.

“NO. We were having a very nice conversation,” Gus blushed.

“It’s okay, Sonny Boy, I was once your age. At least I think I was. It was so long ago that my mind is having a difficult time remembering way back when.”

“I’m sure you have every tawdry detail memorized.”

“Thanks, I think.” Brian took a small sip of the brandy, letting the liqueur slowly roll around his tongue. “You want some?” Brian offered his son a sip.

“No thanks, I’ll stick to beer.” Brian arched a brow. “Pop, I’m going to be twenty-one soon. I have tasted beer.”

“You just turned twenty and beer has nothing on brandy. Philistine,” Brian grumbled. Gus snorted.

“Dad, can I ask you about Mom?” Brian sighed then hung his head.

“Why do I feel like we’ve been playing twenty questions?”

“Because we have. There’s so much more that I want to know.”

“Fine, ask away.” Brian made a royal wave with his hand.

“You met in college.”

“I thought we had that established,” Brian snarked getting a glare in return.

“Tell me about it.” Gus sat on the edge of Brian’s chaise.

“I told you, she was beautiful, a bit naïve and tall.” Brian smirked. “She’d sneak into my dorm room under the pretense of needing to study. We tried going straight, so guys seeing a beautiful blond sneaking into my room did wonders for my reputation.”

“What about Mom’s?”

“Since mine was the only room she was sneaking into, no one thought she was sleeping around.”

“What did you guys do together?” Brian gave his son a look. “I mean when you weren’t trying to conform to the norm.”

“We studied. Studied, studied, studied. I had to keep up my grades to keep my scholarship and stay on the soccer team. Lindsay’s parents were paying her tuition, but if she fucked it up they’d cut her off. We both were going for A’s.”

“I’m confused about something.” Brian groaned in anticipation. “If Mom is a lesbian how come she likes guys?”

“Maybe your Mom is confused,” Brian grumbled.

“Dad!” Gus got up and stomped his way to his room. A minute later Brian knocked then let himself into Gus’ room when he got the okay.

“I’m sorry, Gus, but I don’t think I’m cut out to explain your mother’s sexual preferences to you.”

“I don’t see why not. From what I know she’s only been with three guys and youÂ’re one of them. I think you qualify.”

“Why haven’t you asked her about this?”

“Because she’s my Mom!” Gus said as if his declaration made sense.

“Okay.” Brian sat on his son’s bed. “What do you want to know?”

“You like guys. You tried out women but you knew since you were fourteen that you like guys.” Gus was trying to establish the facts as he knew them. His father nodded in agreement. “Mom tried guys, I mean one guy, you, and that confirmed for her that she liked women.”

“Hey!” Brian took on an insulted look. Gus laughed then hugged his father. “I didn’t mean it that way.” 

“I know, just yanking your chain. It was nice, me and your mom. Very nice. We were both nervous and wound up bumping noses more than once but I remember it was very nice. Your mother is very sweet and very loving. But yeah, no stars or fireworks. Not back then.”

“How about with Sam Auerbach?”

“How do you know about him? You were a baby.”

“I was four, and people talk when they think you’re not listening. I found out enough.”

“Do you like Charles?” Brian asked, skipping over Sam Auerbach.

“I do. He’s very nice, very polite. He treats Mom with respect. Yeah, I can see he’s a bit of a dog. He reminds me a little of you but when you met the right person, you settled down.”

“I’m not hearing a question in any of this.”

“If Mom’s a lesbian, how can she like guys?”

“First of all, I think your mother doesn’t like ‘guys.’ We’re called men, by the way. I think your mother is attracted to a certain type of man. But I am not going to sit here and try to psychoanalyze your mother.” Gus huffed. “Gus, let me ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Why the need for a label?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why must you put a label on your mother?”

“You mean she’s not a lesbian. Bi-sexual maybe?”

“No, I mean she’s a lovely intelligent woman who happens to find beauty in the world around her. Maybe gender is not what’s important to her; maybe it’s what’s inside that means more to your mother.” Brian placed his hand on Gus’ chest at heart level. “Think about it,” Brian said as he bussed his son’s head. “There’s ice cream,” Brian said when he heard the front door open and the sound of little feet running to the kitchen. Gus shook his head. “Good night then.”

“Night, Dad.”

Brian left the room with Gus having more questions than answers, but Brian found that that didn’t scare him. He’d be honest with his son the next time Gus had questions for him.

“Dada! We brought home ice cream,” Bree said with all the enthusiasm of an eight year old. “Do you want some?”

“I could be persuaded,” Brian replied as he helped to dish out ice cream for his family.

*****

“Well, look who’s back,” Jack said in a gruff voice as Brian walked through the front door. Jack was sitting with a beer in his hand, watching the game on TV. “Are you back for good or do you have more readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic?” Jack teased.

“I’m going for my MBA, Dad.”

“What the hell does that have to do with electrical engineering?”

“It doesn’t.” Brian went up to his room, his duffle bag landing on the floor with a dull thud.

“Brian?” He heard his mother knock on his door.

“What?” he answered through the closed door.

“Are you hungry? I could make you a sandwich.”

“No,” he responded curtly. “No thank you.” Brian’s voice became gentler.

“Well, let me know if you need anything,” his mother said as she moved away from his door.

Brian suddenly felt like a guest in his own home, just the opposite of how he felt at Debbie’s. He laid down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

*****

“Mikey! Yooo hoo, Mikeyyyy!” Brian was shaking the sleeping man’s shoulder.

“Brian? What the fuck are you doing here?” Michael asked as he woke up trying to figure out why Brian was in his room and drunk.

“I wanna go clubbing.” Brian giggled as he stuck his nose close to Michael’s making Michael cross-eyed.

Michael pushed Brian’s face away.

“Come on, Mikey,” Brian whispered loudly as he pulled on Michael’s arm. Brian started to giggle when Michael didn’t move, but he did, landing on his knees on the floor.

“Shhh. You’re gonna wake up Ma.”

“I love you, Mikey. Do you know that?” Brian slurred.

“Yeah, I know. Sit here,” Michael tugged on Brian. Brian sat on the bed. “Take your sneakers off.”

“Wha? You want me to take my clothes off, Mikey?” Brian got into Michael’s face then tried to do a strip tease. He only succeeded in getting tangled in his t-shirt. Brian started laughing louder.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Get in here,” Michael crawled over Brian to get out of bed then pushed Brian toward the mattress. Somehow he wrestled Brian’s sneakers off and got his feet under the blanket.

Brian finally cooperated and allowed Michael to cover him with the blanket. When Brian was quiet for a while, Michael hoped he was falling asleep.

“Do you love me, Mikey?” Brian whispered in the dark.

“Of course, I love you.”

“Does Debbie love me?”

“You know she does.”

“Then why don’t they love me?”

“They who?”

“Them. Jack and Joan.”

“They love you.”

“No they don’t. Not like your mother does. She feeds me.”

“Your mother feeds you.”

“Yeah, right. Mikey, do I belong here?” Brian turned so he could see Michael’s face. Before Michael answered, Debbie came in the room.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Debbie flipped on the light switch. She was in her robe and pink fluffy slippers, standing with her hands on her hips. 

“Hi, Maw!” Brian grinned stupidly up at Debbie.

“Sweetheart,” Debbie immediately understood.

“Do you love me?” Hazel eyes begged for love and understanding.

“Oh honey, of course I love you. I always have and I always will. Go to sleep, it’ll all be better in the morning.”

“Will you make me pancakes?”

“I’ll make you anything you want. Now sleep,” Debbie ordered as she pointed a finger at them. She bent over to give both boys a kiss. Brian relaxed then drifted off.

“Thanks, Ma,” Michael whispered.

“I love you, baby.” ‘Go to sleep,’ she mouthed as she turned off the light and shut the door behind her.

Michael held Brian in his arms then fell asleep.