Chapter 1

Brian drove up the lane to Britin, happy to finally be home. It had been a long day at the office which had frustrated him greatly. He usually liked being at the office, liked the hustle and bustle of Kinnetik, enjoyed working with the other ad execs and the art department, he enjoyed meeting clients and charming them in the way only he could, but today had just not been a day like that.

Today had been a day of delays, cancellations and frustrations and he had been glad when the day had been over and it was time to head home.

Thankfully, the long drive home to Britin gave him the time to let go of any of those frustrations, so that by the time he had turned into the lane for Britin, he had only felt happy to be home again.

Happy to see Justin and his boys after having been away from them all day. God, if his own self from fifteen years ago could hear him, he would probably curse himself for having turned into what Brian had so derogatively refered to as a 'Stepford fag' back then, but really? He didn't care. His old self had been a character he had played and he hadn't been that man in years.

Long before Justin had come back into his life, he had left that man, the Stud of Liberty Avenue, behind and had become a father. And now that Justin had been back in his life for three years, he had also become a loving partner. Who would have thought that Brian Kinney would ever turn into a true family man? A man that enjoyed spending time with his sons and his partner way more than getting his dick sucked.

Oh, of course he still liked getting his dick sucked, no doubt about that and he and Justin still had a very healthy sex life, despite their busy lives raising two children and having two very successful careers, but at the end of the day, Justin was the only one that got to suck Brian's dick nowadays and if Brian was honest with himself, he liked it that way very much. In the last two and a half years he had become a happy and content man, something he had never expected his life to have in store for him.

He couldn't be happier than he was with his family and he was really looking forward to spending the evening with them and to let them work their magic on him. Brian was looking forward to hearing all about Gus' latest creation that he had painted under Justin's guidance and training, he was looking forward to hearing all about Luke's latest soccer practice and to maybe even get a chance to kick around the soccer ball in their backyard with his son for a bit. He was looking forward to having dinner together as a family, to helping his sons with their homework and any studying they had to do and to have some private time with Justin once the boys were in bed.

Yes, that was the life, Brian thought to himself as he pulled up to the house. He smiled contently as he left the car and walked over to the main door and opened it.

Once inside, he frowned when he couldn't hear anyone. Normally, the house would be filled with voices, conversations, sometimes yelling and crying, often laughter. But there would always be some noise. Now there was total quiet, which confused Brian.

He had seen Justin's car in the driveway, so he knew that his partner and his sons should be home. Normally, they would be preparing dinner or Justin would be preparing dinner while the boys did their homework at the kitchen table under his watchful eyes.

When Brian entered the kitchen now, all he could see was an empty table, an open fridge door and some spilled liquid on the floor next to the kitchen island.

“Justin?” Brian called out as he made his way over to the fridge and closed the door. “Gus? Luke? Anyone home?” Brian eyed the spilled liquid on the floor and frowned when he could smell the strong smell of Whiskey. That was weird.

“Guys? Anyone home?” Brian repeated again as he made his way from the kitchen towards the living room, stopping in his tracks when he saw the state the living-room was in. The pillows from their sofa were lying all over the floor, there were several glasses and empty bottles on the table and Brian could see what looked like it had once been a glass before someone had smashed it into the TV and it had broken into hundreds of pieces.

An uneasy feeling spread throughout his stomach and he pulled out his mobile, checking for any messages from Justin. Or anyone really, but he had no new messages since he had left the office.

Brian called out for Justin once more and when he didn't receive an answer back, he tried calling Justin's mobile, wanting to find out what was going on. He frowned when he could hear the faint ringing of a phone from upstairs in the house. Justin was home? Why hadn't he replied to him earlier?

Leaving the living-room behind, Brian slowly made his way upstairs and frowned when he saw the open doors of Gus' and Luke's rooms and saw that both rooms were empty. Where were the boys? Where was Justin? What was going on?

Once Brian made it to the master bedroom, he sighed somewhat in relief, at least he had found Justin. He saw him spread out, half dressed (it looked as if he had tried to pull off his pants and had failed, them still being on one leg, while they were off the second, the same for his shirt which was weirdly twisted around his neck and one arm), snoring loudly on the bed. Well, at least he had found his partner. Now he only had to find out where his sons were.

Brian made his way over and leaned down next to Justin, immediately pulling back when the strong smell of alcohol met his nose. Damn, Justin smelled like a cheap liquor store. “Sunshine? Are you okay? Where are the boys? What happened?” Brian asked, as he gently shook Justin's shoulder, trying to rouse him from his sleep.

It took a couple of minutes in which Justin only groaned and moaned, before he slowly opened his eyes, which were unfocused and seemed to have trouble to look at Brian.

“Justin, what's going on here?” Brian asked, now feeling his frustration and also anger from earlier in the day come back. This was not how he had imagined his night to go. Where were the boys? Why was Justin shit-faced drunk at dinner time? Neither of them drank much anymore, just the occasional beer or wine, maybe a shot of something harder every once in a while, but usually they wouldn't get drunk like that as they knew they had two children to take care of that relied on them.

When Justin just groaned some more and then turned over on his side, obviously ready to go back to sleep, Brian had enough. He shook his shoulder again, this time more roughly, not caring about Justin's drunken ass, just caring about getting the answers he needed.

“Where are Luke and Gus?” Brian asked, this time in a louder voice, never stopping shaking his partner's shoulder, trying to get him to focus on Brian.

“Wha'?” Justin just slurred, not looking at Brian at all.

“Gus and Luke? Where are they?” Brian asked once more, his voice rising. Where the fuck were the boys? Had Justin even picked them up from school? Brian figured he must have or he would have received a call from the school much earlier, but really, what was going on? Where were the boys and why was Justin drunk as a skunk? Brian hadn't seen him like that since Justin had been 18. And he wasn't even sure if Justin had been that drunk then.

“Jeez, Sunshine. Where are Luke and Gus?”

After a couple of seconds of silence, Brian thought he heard a quiet 'Mom', but he wasn't sure. “With your mom?” Why would the boys be with Jennifer? Yes, they usually stayed with Jennifer one day per week after school, so Brian and Justin would have time to focus on their work, but that was not supposed to be today.

When he didn't get more out of Justin, Brian sighed and picked up his mobile once more. He dialled Jennifer's number and was relieved when she picked up on the second ring.

“Brian? Is everything alright?” She asked, clearly surprised to get a call from him.

“Uhm,...,” Brian started, not quite sure how to answer that question and how much he wanted to tell Jennifer about the state Justin was in at the moment. She was still Justin's mother after all, but Justin was also a grown man and as long as Brian didn't know what was going on, he didn't feel comfortable telling her about what he had found when he had come home.

Thankfully, he was stopped from having to answer by his youngest son, whom he could hear in the background, asking his grandmother if his daddy was on the phone.

“Yes, honey. It's your daddy.”

“I just wanted to speak to Gus and Luke for a minute, if that's alright,” Brian lied, hoping that it would convince Jennifer. At least he knew that his sons were with Jennifer and apparently safe. He hoped she would believe him that he just wanted to check in on them.

“Yeah, sure,” Jennifer replied smoothly, though Brian feared that she had looked right through his lie. Damn, Jennifer was way too smart.

A second later, Brian heard the phone being handed over and then he heard Luke's excited voice. “Daddy?”

“Yes, sonny boy, it's me.” Brian smiled, feeling a sense of relief flood through him. Luke sounded alright, so Brian assumed that meant that his sons were alright.

“Grandma Jen is helping me with my science homework. She knows a lot about flowers, Daddy,” Luke informed him excitedly and Brian could hear the smile in his son's voice.

“I am sure she does,” Brian smiled, then went on. “Are you alright, sonny boy?”

“Yeah, we're gonna have pizza later and we'll watch a movie before bedtime. I like staying with Grandma Jen.”

“I am glad you do. I am sure you'll have a great time with your Grandma.” Luke had mentioned bedtime. Were the boys staying over night?

“Yeah, I miss you and Papa, but you'll come and pick us up at school tomorrow, right? That's what Grandma Jen said when she picked us up earlier.”

“Yeah, right. We'll come and pick you up tomorrow,” Brian promised, knowing that no matter what, he would be at school tomorrow to pick up his sons.

“Good. I love you and Papa, Daddy! See you tomorrow,” Luke said excitedly, before the phone was obviously handed over to Gus, who answered a few seconds later in a bored voice. Gus was 13 now and was obviously too old and too cool for a call from his father.

Brian couldn't help but smile to himself when he heard his son's slightly bored 'Hey Dad'.

“Hey, sonny boy. You alright?”

“Of course. Why wouldn't I be?” Gus asked, sounding confused by Brian's question.

“No reason. Just glad that you are,” Brian replied. “You and your brother have fun with Grandma Jen and you behave, you hear me?”

“Of course, Dad.” Brian could hear Gus' eyes roll even though Gus was miles away. He smiled to himself in amusement. Gus was so much like him. More than was probably good for him.

“Love you, sonny boy,” Brian said, a smile on his face.

“Yeah, love you, too. I'll hand you over to Grandma Jen now, I have to finish my homework,” Gus ended and then unceremoniously left Brian to speak to Jennifer again.

“Thanks for watching them tonight, Jen. I really appreciate it,” Brian said sincerely, even though he still had no idea why the boys were even with Jen or what was going on.

“You know I love to have them stay over. So don't mention it, Brian,” Jennifer waved his thanks away, then her voice grew more serious. “Is everything alright, Brian? Justin seemed rather upset when he called me earlier and asked me if I could watch the boys tonight.”

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Brian muttered, hoping that he was right and not lying. “He's just a bit stressed with the deadline for his next show and needed to decompress a bit.”

“Are you sure that's all?” Jennifer asked with obvious concern in her voice.

“Just give him a night and he'll be as good as new tomorrow,” Brian tried to sound more cheerful than he felt and hoped that he was right and more than that he hoped that Jennifer would let it go. As he didn't know what was going on with his partner, he didn't want to lie to her more than was necessary.

“If you say so,” Jennifer replied, doubt still clear to hear in her voice, but thankfully she let it rest after that. “You just make sure that you take good care of him and that he's alright.”

“I will,” Brian promised and he would. If it was the last thing he did. “You enjoy your night with the boys.”

They then ended their call and Brian turned around to look at his sleeping, snoring partner. “Christ, Sunshine. What's going on with you?”

Brian eyed his younger partner with concern and worry, then decided to make him more comfortable. He slowly got Justin out of his clothes and under the blankets, without him waking once.

Justin usually didn't behave like this, this was more Brian's way of dealing with things and it scared Brian to find Justin using his old ways of pain management. He thought they had both moved on from that, but apparently he had been wrong.

Brian made sure that Justin was comfortable and when he was sure that he was dead to the world and wouldn't wake up anytime soon, Brian went back downstairs to clean up the living-room and kitchen. With neither his partner nor his children around, Brian decided to get some more work done and prepared a quick email to Cynthia and Ted with instructions for the next day. He had a feeling that he wouldn't get much work done tomorrow.

Once he had done as much as he could from home, after he had had a quick dinner and a beer, he decided to call it a night and go to bed as well.

Justin was still sleeping, but at least he wasn't snoring anymore. Well, at least something, Brian figured and was grateful for small mercies. He climbed into bed next to his partner after he had taken a quick shower, then pulled the younger man closer, who didn't move or react.

“What's going on, Sunshine? You're worrying me,” Brian whispered as he left a gentle kiss on his partner's head, then tried to find some sleep.

An hour or two later, that sleep was violently interrupted when Brian heard retching sounds coming from their en-suite bathroom. He felt more than saw that Justin wasn't in bed with him anymore and immediately got a good idea about what was happening. Sighing, Brian got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, where he found Justin on the floor, in front of the toilet, vomiting.

Brian wordlessly came over to Justin's side and knelt down next to him, running his hand over the blond's back. “Are you alright, Sunshine?”

Unsurprisingly, Justin shook his head and just moaned some more, before he started vomiting again.

“You must have drunk at least half of our alcohol stock. What brought this on?” Brian asked, trying to keep his voice as gentle as he could and not showing the frustration he felt at Justin's behaviour. No, this was really not how he had imagined this evening and night to go.

Justin mumbled something, but Brian couldn't really understand what he had said. He thought he had heard the word baby in those mumblings, but couldn't be sure. Justin's voice was slurred and he was still retching occasionally, which made it even harder to understand him.

Once Justin's stomach seemed to have calmed down, Brian helped him up and led him over to the sink. He then helped the younger man to clean up and led him back to the bed. The whole time Justin kept mumbling to himself and all Brian could hear was “No baby...” over and over again.

“No baby?” What was Justin talking about?

He saw Justin nod eagerly, then felt shocked when the younger man suddenly burst into tears right in front of him.

“Sunshine? What's going on? What baby are you talking about?”

“Our baby, though... no baby... there is no baby...” Justin slurred the words, his tears never slowing down.

“Our baby? Sunshine, I am confused here. I don't think I am following. What baby?”

“No baby... there'll be no baby... never...no baby...”

Justin just kept on repeating the same words over and over and Brian tried to make sense of them, but couldn't. Baby? What baby was Justin talking about? They hadn't talked about a baby. They hadn't talked about any babies at all since Justin had come back and had found out about Luke. What was he talking about now?

Knowing that there was no point talking to Justin when he was still this drunk and out of it, Brian tried to calm him down as best as he could, gently kissing him and whispering soothing words to him until Justin had fallen asleep again about half an hour later.

Brian could still see the traces of the tears on his beautiful face and wondered even more than before what in the hell was going on. Baby? Had Justin wanted another baby? But they had never talked about having another baby. Did Justin think he had been pregnant? That made no sense. Brian could remember him having a beer just the last weekend when Debbie and Carl had come over for a visit. Surely he wouldn't have had that beer if he had thought he had been pregnant. And really, they had been using condoms every single time they had sex, though, Brian mused, he was the best example that condoms didn't always prevent a pregnancy. They had also used condoms the night he had gotten pregnant with Luke.

Could that be it? Had Justin thought he was pregnant? And now he wasn't? Was that what had upset him so much? The more Brian thought about it, the more he realised that he had no idea how Justin felt about having more children. After working through their issues concerning Luke and Brian hiding the fact that Justin had a son, they had never really talked about more children. They had just been happy with their family and had enjoyed being back together. They had enjoyed their family, had enjoyed their newfound happiness and they had been happy. Brian knew it. Justin had been happy as well. He knew it. And never once had they talked about more children or any further family planning. Brian wondered why. Had Justin been scared to bring it up? Surely not. Surely he must have known that Brian would at least listen to him and talk to him, no matter what his own opinion might be. 

Their months in therapy together had helped them a lot in working through their problems and they had both learned a lot about themselves and each other and had learned how to bring up even painful topics that they needed to talk about. They had both learned how to live with and openly talk about their past and what had happened between them when Luke had been born and Brian thought that Justin knew that he could talk to Brian about anything. After having made it through that and coming out as a strong, happy couple, Justin must have known that they would be able to work through whatever came their way, right? Right?

Brian knew that he was driving himself crazy with these thoughts and he knew that he shouldn't go down that road and shouldn't think about things too much as long as he didn't know what was really going on. He was driving himself crazy and so far he didn't even know why or what about.

Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that all he could do at this point was to wait until tomorrow and to hope that he would find out then what had gotten Justin into this mood. And then he hoped and prayed that whatever it was, they would be able to work through it as they had done so many times before.

After another hour, Brian fell back into a fitful sleep, never letting go of the smaller body that was pressed into his side, holding on tightly for comfort and hoping to give comfort to the younger man as well for whatever he was going through at the moment.