Chapter 10

Justin sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Brian slept. It had been a long day and Brian had been exhausted after they had gone back to the hospital earlier that day for his biopsy.

Thankfully, the bronchoscopy as this particular procedure was called, was done in an outpatient fashion and Brian was only required to stay in the hospital for a couple of hours after the procedure was done to make sure he had made it through the procedure alright.

Just thinking back to watching Brian as they had taken a sample of lung tissue, brought tears to Justin's eyes.

Brian had been given a sedative and antisecretory medications (to prevent oral secretions from obstructing the view) and then an instrument called the bronchoscope had been inserted into his airways through his mouth.

For a second their eyes had met as the tube had been inserted down Brian's airways and if the situation hadn't been that serious and dire, Justin was sure that an inappropriate joke about Brian being used to swallowing bigger things than this tube would have been made. But as it was, both of them had only been too aware of the seriousness of the situation and neither had felt like joking.

Justin had just held Brian's hand as the instrument had made its way down to Brian's lungs and had held his breath when the doctors had taken a sample of the lung tissue with a small needle that had been attached to the bronchoscope.

The whole procedure had taken less than 30 minutes, but the effects of the sedatives and the possible effects this procedure could have on their lives had taken its toll on Brian. Justin knew that the older man hadn't slept well in recent nights and he was glad when Brian had slept after the procedure.

Once he had woken up and the doctors had deemed him alright, they had returned home, where they had wordlessly ended up on their bed. They had just laid down fully clothed in a full body embrace.

It hadn't taken long for Brian to fall back asleep and once again Justin was glad that the sedative was apparently helping Brian to finally get the sleep he had missed in recent days.

The doctors had told them that now they had to wait between two and three days for the results. Justin knew that those two to three days would be hard on them, especially Brian. Just the uncertainty was driving them mad.

At this point in time, Justin would rather have a bad diagnosis than not knowing. At least with a diagnosis they would know what they were dealing with and would be able to tackle it head on. This waiting was driving him crazy because there was nothing that he could do. All he could do was try and be there for Brian and help him as much as he could to not go crazy himself.

He knew that Brian's mind was flooded with the worst outcomes and that he expected the diagnosis to be really bad. Justin still hoped for a different outcome, but had a feeling that Brian could actually be right.

His cough hadn't really improved much in recent days and that alone had been a sign to Justin that something was seriously wrong. Any normal cough with normal causes would have been long gone by now. But Brian's cough was still there, still as bad as ever and Brian still occasionally coughed up blood. Another symptom that showed Justin that this was really serious and bad.

Additionally, once they had a diagnosis, they would be able to sit down the boys and tell them what was going on. He dreaded that conversation, not being able to imagine how he was supposed to look his sons in their eyes and tell them that their father might die, but he knew that they deserved to know and deserved to be informed of what was going on.

For the last two days he and Brian had tried to hide what was going on as much as was possible, but Justin knew that the boys were slowly catching on. And how could they not? Justin and Brian laughed less than they usually did, were crying more and just in general the mood in the house had become subdued ever since Brian had told Justin what was going on.

As much as they had tried to hide it from the boys, both their sons were smart and catching on and Justin knew that their usual replies of 'Everything is fine' would only work for so long before the boys stopped believing them.

Thankfully their family knew about Brian's cough and his hospitalization, even though they didn't know the full cause for it and had all offered to help them by spending time with the boys, picking them up from school and taking them to their after school activities.

Today Emmett had offered to pick up the boys and to take Luke to his soccer club and Gus to his art club after school. He had also promised to take the boys to his place later on and cook a nice dinner with them, wanting to give Brian and Justin some time on their own to recover from Brian's hospitalisation.

God, Emmett would be devastated when he found out the truth. Whatever the truth was. As would the rest of their family. Even though Brian and Emmett had had their differences and disagreements in recent years, they had become good friends again once Brian and Justin had gotten back together and Emmett loved Brian. They all did and they would all be devastated when they heard about what was really going on. And Brian would hate every second of it because he would hate the very thought of someone worrying about him and making a big deal about him.

Well, he would just have to suck it up and accept it, Justin thought to himself. Brian had promised him that they would fight whatever this was together and that meant that running away or pushing Justin off the famous Kinney cliff was not allowed.

Slowly but surely Justin had the impression that Brian started to accept that Justin was there to stay and help and was opening up to him.

When they had been at the hospital earlier that day, Justin had honestly been surprised when Brian had asked him to join him in the examination room and to be by his side during the biopsy. Justin had already prepared himself for Brian wanting to do the procedure on his own and to having to wait outside in the waiting area and had been pleasantly surprised when Brian had asked him to stay by his side. He could only hope that Brian wouldn't change back to his earlier self because he needed to be a part of this whole process. He needed to be by his partner's side for his own sanity.

“What are you thinking about, Sunshine?” Brian's still tired voice surprised Justin. Justin had thought the older man was still asleep.

“Nothing much,” Justin replied, before he slowly moved over and lay down next to Brian once more.

“Hmmm, you could have fooled me. I could hear the wheels turning in your head even while I was asleep,” Brian muttered, gently pulling Justin closer.

“Just thinking,” Justin muttered, not wanting to go into too much detail. They had practically talked about nothing else than the upcoming biopsy and what the results could mean for them and their family and Justin didn't think he wanted to talk about it again.

Thankfully Brian seemed to sense that and just accepted Justin's reply.

“When are the boys coming back?” Brian asked instead, running a hand through Justin's blond hair.

“After dinner. Emmett is cooking with them, so it might get late...”

“You know what that means?” Brian asked and Justin was surprised at the tone he heard in his voice. He knew that tone.

“What?”

“That we have the house all to ourselves. Would be a pity to waste that, wouldn't it?”

“Brian, I...,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian right away.

“Please, Justin? I really need to feel you... I.... I need this,” Brian said quietly, never stopping his caress of Justin's hair.

They hadn't had sex since Brian had gone into the hospital which for them had easily been the longest time without any sex since they had been back together. Justin missed Brian as well and missed the connection they only had when they had sex together, but he wasn't sure. Brian had been sick enough and now on top of that he had had a medical procedure earlier that day that had required him taking sedatives and the likes. Justin really wasn't sure if Brian was up to having sex.

“Brian, I am not sure,” Justin started once more only to be interrupted by Brian's sigh.

“I am fine, Justin. I am! I wouldn't suggest this if I wasn't. I promise.”

Justin looked up and their eyes met and for the longest time neither of them spoke. In the end Justin just nodded, giving in to the pleading look he saw in his partner's eyes.

Their lips met in a gentle kiss which quickly turned more passionate. Not as passionate as some of their make out sessions had been, but passionate enough to get both of them into a state of arousal pretty quickly.

Justin sat up and leaned over Brian's body, making quick work of undressing him and then getting rid of his own clothes.

Once they were both naked, Justin started kissing down Brian's throat, over his chest to his pregnant belly. He left gentle kisses all over the belly, before he moved further down and followed Brian's treasure trail to the treasure that Justin loved most.

Once he had made it to Brian's erect penis, he took it into his mouth and gently started sucking on it. Every once in a while he changed from sucking to kissing the erection and he sighed in happiness when Brian started leaking precum and he tasted the taste that was so uniquely Brian.

Knowing that he could get Brian off like this in record time, but also knowing that this wasn't what either of them wanted right now and needed right now, Justin regretfully pulled back and let go of Brian's penis.

His eyes met Brian's as he sat back on his heels, licked his index and middle fingers of his right hand and then slowly moved his hand to his own ass, looking for the opening that he couldn't wait to touch.

As much as he loved being prepared by Brian, he knew that Brian loved it when he prepared himself. Brian loved watching him when his own fingers disappeared inside his body and started opening him up for the sex that would follow soon.

Knowing that it was the least that he could do, Justin put on a nice show as he slowly opened up his hole and started massaging the opening.

After several minutes of inserting one finger after the other and slowly opening up his tight asshole, he was panting heavily from pleasure. He smiled when he saw Brian's lust-filled eyes that were staring at him and heard his partner's own moans of pleasure.

When he deemed himself ready. He slowly leaned forward once more, taking Brian's still leaking cock into his mouth once more. This time he only licked up and down the erection once, before moving on. He kissed his way back up Brian's belly and his chest and settled on his mouth. They kissed passionately for several minutes, before both of them were breathless.

Leaning over to the night table, Justin picked up some lube and gently covered Brian's penis with it. He then applied some lube to his own hole and moved back down Brian's body.

He saddled Brian's hip and brought himself into position, his own ass only millimetres away from the tip of Brian's leaking cock.

Their eyes locked and Justin whispered 'I love you', before Brian replied and then gently pushed in.

Both men groaned at the sensations they had missed so much in recent days.

After Brian had made it all the way inside, he stayed still for a couple of seconds, giving Justin the time to adjust to the intrusion. Once Justin nodded, giving him the sign that he was okay, Brian started meeting the movements of Justin's body which was lifting itself up, only to then lower itself down on the erect shaft once more.

This wasn't the frantic fucking they sometimes did, this wasn't the need to get off. This was lovemaking in its purest form. This was about their connection, this was about their emotions and when both men were ready to come, overtaken by their orgasms, they yelled each other's names while tears ran down their faces.

They collapsed into a heap of limbs and tried to come down from their orgasms.

It took several minutes for both of them to catch their breaths, but once they had, Justin moved his head up to meet Brian's in another gentle kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

They stayed like that, in each other's arms, Brian still buried inside Justin for what felt like hours, just enjoying this unique connection and being close to each other.

It was Brian that broke the silence first.

“Thanks, Sunshine!”

“You are welcome,” Justin whispered, leaving a gentle kiss on Brian's chest beneath his head.

After staying like that for some more time, they decided to have a quick shower and make themselves presentable for when the boys would come back.

Justin also decided that it was time for their own dinner and went to the kitchen to get started on preparing a quick dish for them. Brian joined him and sat at the kitchen table, watching his partner as he cut up vegetables and prepared their dinner.

“Brian?”

Brian nodded, indicating that he was listening.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I am pretty sure you already did,” Brian teased, not surprised when Justin just rolled his eyes in reply.

“When... the day you left the hospital... you said you had been to the airport and the cemetery. I get the airport, but why the cemetery?”

Justin didn't know why he had remembered now of all times. He had thought about this before, but hadn't really dared to ask Brian at the time, seeing what mood the man had been in. But he seemed to be in a slightly more agreeable mood today and seeing how this question had just popped up in his mind once more, Justin had decided to go ahead and just ask. The worst that could happen was that Brian would bite his head off. And if he did, Justin at least knew how to deal with that.

Brian sighed, lowered his gaze and looked at the table top as if it was the most interesting thing he had seen in years.

“It's okay. You don't have to tell me,” Justin immediately said, sensing that he might have been wrong about Brian being in a more agreeable mood.

There was a heavy silence for about two minutes, before Brian's quiet voice rang through the silent kitchen.

“I... I wanted to go and wanted to blame him.”

“Him?” Justin frowned.

“My father,” Brian whispered, still not meeting Justin's eyes.

“For what?”

“For passing down his fucking lung cancer to me as a final farewell gift,” Brian said without any real emotion in his voice.

Justin just eyed him and tried to make sense of what Brian had said. “You think that...,” he started, but stopped when Brian just shrugged.

“Hell if I know. It's not as if I haven't done enough shit on my own and haven't smoked like a chimney myself for years. It's just... that day... when I thought about what the doctors had said... All I could think was that he had gotten the last say after all. Most cancers have genetical connections and he died of fucking lung cancer after all, so... that day... it felt like this had been his final 'fuck you' to me. Even after all this time, he had still won and had made sure I wouldn't have any happiness.”

“Brian,” Justin whispered, his voice full of emotion. His heart broke as he listened to Brian, knowing how strained Brian's relationship with his father had been.

“I know, that's ridiculous. You don't have to say it.”

“I wasn't about to say that,” Justin said honestly, coming around to where Brian was sitting at the table and sitting next to him, resting his hand on Brian's shoulder in a gentle touch.

Justin was happy when Brian allowed the touch and leaned into it.

“Did it make you feel better?” Justin asked quietly, hoping that Brian had gotten something out of it.

“I didn't do it after all.”

“Why not?” Justin frowned, not understanding why Brian would have not gone through with it in the end.

“On my way to his grave... I passed Vic's grave and... I don't know... I just stayed there instead.”

Justin just nodded, giving Brian's shoulder a squeeze. He knew how important Vic had been to Brian, how the older man had been more of a father to Brian than Jack Kinney had ever been. He could understand why Brian would have stayed at Vic's grave.

“Did that make you feel better?” He asked quietly.

“It made me go home, so... yeah... I guess it did in the end.”

“Why?”

Knowing that Justin was asking why Vic's grave had made him go home, Brian explained quietly.

“He... he never gave up. He never let his disease rule his life. He... he always stayed funny, good-natured Vic, no matter what. I didn't realise it back then, but... I do now: He was so fucking strong. I... I wish I would have told him how much I admired him, but... I never did. How fucked up is that?”

“He knew, Brian,” Justin said seriously. “And he also knew how much you loved him and how much he meant to you. Vic was smart like that.”

“I hope so. I... I should have told him, but I never did...”

“You didn't have to. He knew,” Justin was sure of it. He had seen Vic and Brian together, he had seen their relationship and he knew how much Vic had loved Brian and he knew that Vic had known that Brian had loved him in return even though he might not have been able to say it back then.

“I miss him,” Brian admitted quietly, meeting Justin's gaze. “I really do.”

“So do I,” Justin whispered. “He... He was an inspiration and... I'll never forget all he did for me when I lived with him and Debbie.”

“Like give you his Babylon membership card?” Brian smirked, not able to hide the smile that crept up on his face.

“That was before I lived with him and Debbie, but yeah... It certainly made stalking you way easier,” Justin smiled as well.

“And what a proficient stalker you were.”

“You loved it, you know you did,” Justin teased, leaning in for a quick kiss. He smiled when Brian kissed him and whispered into the kiss.

“I sure did, but I couldn't let you know. It would have gone to your head.”

“My head? What about my stalking going to your head?” Justin whispered back, their noses still touching. “Or were you so used to the attention from all the horny gays in Pittsburgh that I was just one of many stalkers.”

“You were never one of many... You were always the one, even though I didn't want to see it in the beginning,” Brian admitted.

“Good thing you finally figured it out, Mr. Kinney,” Justin whispered, before he leaned in once more and they kissed some more.

By the time Emmett returned the boys home, they still hadn't finished dinner preparations, but neither man cared. For the first time in days they had had some normalcy and things had been almost the way they had been before Brian's hospitalisation.

Maybe they could make it through this. Maybe they could learn from Vic and wouldn't let this sickness rule their lives. At least they could try.