Chapter 12

After having a quiet dinner where neither of them ate much, Brian and Justin moved to the master bedroom. They had a quick shower before settling down in their bed.

They hadn't talked about it, but for some reason both of them had felt drawn to their bedroom. It was a secure place, a place that was theirs and only belonged to them. It was a place where they could just be themselves without any pretense and for some reason it had felt right to both of them to have this unpleasant conversation in that room of all the places in their house.

Brian lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling while Justin rested his head on his hand and watched down into Brian's eyes. It was obvious that he was concerned.

“Can I just say something before we... we start discussing this?” He asked quietly, looking at Brian in concern.

Brian nodded before he turned his head to his side so his gaze would meet Justin's.

“I know you don't agree. You don't have to tell me that much,” he said quietly.

“That was not what I wanted to say,” Justin whispered. “Can you please just let me get this out in one go? Please?”

Brian nodded, seeing how serious Justin was and knowing that he deserved his say as well. As much as Brian wanted this to be his decision, he knew that it wasn't. They were in a relationship, a partnership and they had a family together. The days of him making decisions on his own had ended when Justin had given him and their relationship another chance. He owed it to Justin to include him in this decision. He knew that. Just as he owed Justin to have his say.

“I... I have been doing a lot of thinking today and... I am not sure I like what some of those thoughts said about me,” he started and when Brian was about to interrupt him, Justin just rested his index finger on Brian's lips, looking at him pleadingly, asking him to stay quiet.

“I... I won't lie. When we came back from the doctor's office, I was ready to crash my studio and burn whatever canvas I could get my hands on, hoping that it would help me get rid of this feeling of unfairness. I mean... after everything... how is this fair? How is it fair that once again we have to make choices like this? Why can't we just be fucking happy for once? Why can't we just enjoy this time, enjoy our new baby and be happy with the life we have? I... I know complaining about the situation is not gonna help and I know that destroying my studio wouldn't be doing any good either, so... I didn't. Instead... I thought. I thought long and hard about what this means and about the decisions we have to make and... what it really comes down to is that...it's not our decision. I... I can't tell you what to do or what I expect you to do or some other fucked up shit like that. This is your life on the line and,” Justin took a deep breath, before he continued, a single tear running down his cheek, “You are the one that will have to make this decision. This is your body, not mine, not ours. Yours. I... I've come to realise that I can't demand to get a say. It's your life, your body. Not mine, not ours. I... I just want you to know that... whatever you decide, whatever you want to do, I will be here. By your side. I love you and... even though it might not be what I want, I will be by your side. Through all of it. The good and the bad, okay? Just... don't shut me out, please!”

By now Justin was crying and more tears were running down his face. He was sobbing and he cried only harder when Brian pulled him down into his arms and held him tight, trying to comfort the distraught man in his arms.

“Shhhh, calm down, Sunshine...calm down,” Brian whispered, over and over, holding Justin tight. While Justin was crying in his arms for the injustice of it all, Brian lost the fight against his own tears and started crying as well. God, would there ever be an end to all the crying? When had they turned into fucking lesbian drama queens, he wondered.

When you were diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness, Brian told himself, only holding the man in his arms closer.

It took them a while to calm down, but when they did, Brian made them both sit up. They rested their backs against the headboard, Justin's head on Brian's shoulder, Brian's arms holding the younger man close, Justin's hands on Brian's protruding belly.

“Justin, I...,” Brian began, but then didn't really know what to say.

“I know you won't abort the baby,” Justin said quietly, his voice full of pain.

“I can't,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin closer.

“Even if it might cost you your life?” Justin asked and immediately cursed himself for having asked that question. Before Brian could reply, Justin pulled back and looked at him from his tear-stained face.

“God, what kind of horrible person am I? What kind of person would say such a thing?”

“Sunshine,” Brian began, but never got any further, because Justin was already continuing with his outburst.

“It shouldn't be that easy for me to make a choice, should it? I should have a harder time deciding between my partner and my baby, but... I am sorry, I really am fucking sorry, but... I am not having a hard time making this decision. I know that makes me a horrible person and an even worse father, but... I can't lose you, Brian. I can't lose you.”

“Sunshine,” Brian started once again, watching as a distraught Justin had nearly talked himself into hysterics.

“I should feel more sorrow about potentially losing our baby, but... all I can think about is losing you and what losing you will do to me and the boys and... I can't lose you. We can't lose you. I know I am a horrible person, but I don't want you to die and if it comes down to a choice between you and this baby... I am sorry, Brian, but... I can't not choose you.”

Justin was sobbing now, his voice nearly a hysterical pitch and all Brian could do was lean over, reach out for the younger man and pull him close. He held Justin tight, even though the younger man struggled to get out of his grasp, but Brian wouldn't let him.

“You are not a horrible person, Sunshine. You are one of the most loving, caring people I have ever met and you are faced with an impossible choice. Nobody should be faced with a choice like that.”

“But we are and... I know that I should easily be able to choose our baby, but... I can't. I can't, Brian. I can't lose you...”

“Shhhhhh, that's alright, Sunshine. It's alright,” Brian whispered as he ran his hands through Justin's golden locks.

“No, no, it's not. It's not alright. None of this is alright. I am selfish and childish and... maybe you were right... maybe I should never have been a father. Maybe this just shows that you were right and... I am a bad person.”

Brian pulled back from their embrace and looked at Justin angrily. “Don't ever fucking say something like that again.”

Justin eyed Brian through his tears, seeing the fury in those hazel eyes he loved so much.

“Don't ever say that! You are the best father any child could wish for. You are the best father Gus and Luke could wish for and if there is one thing we both know I was never right about, it was Luke. You are a great father and... this is not going to change that. So stop fucking thinking that.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but now it was Brian's turn to talk himself into a rage.

“No, now you listen. You think I want to die? No! I don't want to fucking die. I don't want to fucking not see Gus and Luke graduate, start a family, start a career, have a life. I don't want to fucking not see us becoming grandparents one day. I... I never thought I would be this kind of person, but you showed me that I could be and I love our fucking life. I love our family and I love this baby,” Brian said, running his hands over his belly. “I don't want to die and not see what kind of person this baby would turn out to be. I... I am not ready to say goodbye to you or our kids, but... but do you know why I never questioned my decision to save this baby at all costs?”

Justin shook his head wordlessly, urging Brian to go on.

“Because I knew that no matter what would happen to me, our children would have you. They would have you to take care of them, to love them and to make sure that they will grow up into fine human beings. They will have you to help them get over whatever life throws their way. The... the only reason I was able to make this decision is because I know that you are an incredible father and will continue to be that to all of our children, whether I am here or not.”

“Brian,” Justin whispered, gently wiping away the tears that were now running down Brian's face. “I... I am not sure I can be that person.”

“You already are that person and you always will be, Sunshine.”

“Because I have you by my side,” Justin said seriously, his gaze meeting Brian's. “I... I am not sure I can do this on my own.”

“You can do whatever you set your mind to, Sunshine. You are the most determined person I know and I know that... you and the boys... and this baby...you'll all be fine because... you'll take care of them.”

Justin looked at Brian for the longest time, before he nodded to himself. He ran a hand through Brian's hair, their gazes never breaking.

“If this is... if this is what you want to do, then... that's what we'll do,” he said, trying to sound as strong as he could muster while his heart was breaking.

He had never had any doubt what Brian's decision was going to be, he had known right away and it broke his heart, because, just like he had said, he wasn't sure he could live without Brian. He wasn't sure he could survive without Brian and could be the person Brian and their kids needed him to be, but if this was what Brian wanted, Justin would damn well try. He would do his damnest to make sure that he would support Brian as much as he could and would be there for his children when they needed him.

Brian held Justin's gaze for the longest time, before he broke it and turned his head to look at the ceiling. “I am sorry, Sunshine.” He said seriously, knowing that this was not what Justin had wanted him to do, knowing that this was not what Justin had wanted to be his decision.

He knew that he was breaking his heart, he knew that he was killing a part of Justin, but he also knew without a doubt that in the long run Justin would be alright. His children would be alright. Justin would make sure of it. Brian hated himself for putting that burden on his partner, but he just didn't see any other way.

“Sorry is bullshit,” Justin replied almost automatically, chuckling slightly through his tears.

Brian tried to smile as well, but couldn't quite muster his smile. “I wish there was another way,” he said seriously.

Justin nodded, before he moved in, his lips carefully claiming Brian's in a tender kiss. “So do I.”

They kissed tenderly, no real passion behind it. Both men knew that this was not a time for passion, for sex or for anything that went beyond kissing. This was a time for being together, for holding each other and for coming to terms with the decision that had been made.

Slowly sinking down into a lying position, they continued kissing as more tears ran down their faces, they continued kissing as Justin started sobbing into the kisses, they continued kissing after he had calmed down and it had been Brian's turn to shed some more tears.

They never stopped kissing, never stopped holding each other, never stopped being close to each other, until they fell into an exhausted sleep.

***

A couple of hours later Justin woke up to find the other half of the bed empty. Brian wasn't in the bed anymore.

For a second Justin felt panic take hold of him, before he tried to calm himself down. Surely Brian had just stepped out to go to the bathroom. Or to get something to drink. Or to have a snack. Or, or, or.

There were so many reasons why Brian wouldn't be in bed, none of them had to mean anything bad. Carefully listening to any sounds coming from the house, Justin frowned when he heard nothing.

He got out of bed and went looking for his missing partner.

Brian wasn't in the ensuite bathroom, nor his study, nor the kitchen or outside by the pool.

“Brian?” Justin called out for him, but didn't get a reply back. He checked every room downstairs, before he went upstairs again, hoping to find Brian there.

“Brian?” He called out upstairs once more, surprised when he heard Brian's voice respond from what was supposed to be their baby's nursery.

“In here.”

“What are you doing in here?” Justin asked as he made his way over, surprised to find Brian sitting in the rocking chair, holding what looked to be a framed picture in his hands.

“Thinking. Couldn't sleep,” he muttered, looking up at Justin from tired, pained eyes.

“What is that?” Justin asked, pointing to the framed picture in Brian's hands. When Brian handed it to him, Justin frowned as he recognised their family picture that used to be on Luke's night table. The one they had taken of the four of them, Brian, Gus, Justin and Luke after Brian and Justin had gotten back together, the new family picture Luke had begged for to keep the monsters away at night.

Before Justin could ask why Brian had been looking at that picture from Luke's bedroom, Brian continued speaking in a quiet voice.

“Did you know he put it in here?”

“The picture?”

“Yeah,” Brian nodded. “He... he told me a couple of days ago when I noticed it was missing from his night table. He said... he said he didn't want his brother or sister to get nightmares, so the picture would be needed in here more than in his room because he was a big boy now and didn't need it anymore, but... that his brother or sister would need it,” Brian's voice sounded eerily quiet when he spoke.

“I didn't know that,” Justin said honestly. And he really hadn't known. He wondered why he hadn't noticed the picture being gone from Luke's night table. Then he realised how preoccupied he had been in recent days, weeks really and how much he had probably neglected his duties to his sons in his worry for Brian's health. He immediately felt bad for not having noticed before that the picture had been gone from Luke's room and had made it into the nursery. “That's... very thoughtful...”

“That's all you,” Brian whispered.

“Me?” Justin frowned, not sure if he knew what Brian meant.

“He didn't get that caring, generous side from me. That's for sure,” Brian chuckled dryly, though there was no humour to it.

“Brian, don't say that.”

“It's true though... He is all you. He...he's got your kindness, your generosity, your caring side... he's got all the best of you,” Brian's voice now sounded quite emotional and Justin didn't know what to make of it.

“That's not true. He also throws my temper tantrums,” Justin pointed out, knowing that it was true. Luke having a temper tantrum was quite a sight to behold.

“You think he didn't get that from me? I've been known to throw a tantrum once or twice.”

“Hold the presses. Did you just admit to having temper tantrums?”

Brian shrugged, his lips turning into a slight smile.

Justin set the framed picture back on the night table in the room and reached out to take Brian's hand in his. “I think he's perfect the way he is. And I think he also got quite a few good things from you: He's got your wicked sense of humour, your sense of justice, your sense of charity. Not to blow my own horn, but I think we did quite well with him.”

“Yeah... yeah, we did.”

“No joke about blowing my horn?” Justin raised an eyebrow, not able to believe that Brian had let that one go by uncommented.

Brian shrugged in response. “I am not really in a joking mood.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Justin whispered, squeezing the larger hand in his.

Justin slowly got up from his place by Brian's side and moved onto his lap carefully, them slowly rocking back and forth in the rocking chair.

After a couple of minutes of comfortable silence, Brian was the one to break the silence.

“I am sorry,” he said quietly, holding Justin tighter in his arms.

“Brian, you didn't ask for any of this.”

“No, that's not what I meant,” the older man sighed which made Justin frown.

“What did you mean?”

“I am sorry I broke my promise to you.”

“You didn't break any promise, Brian,” Justin whispered, not quite sure if he knew what Brian was talking about.

“Yeah, I did,” Brian said seriously, his hands gently running up and down Justin's arms. “I... I promised you after Luke that... that we would make decisions that impacted our family together and that I wouldn't go and make decisions on my own, but...”

“You haven't, Brian.”

“Yes, I have. I... I made the decision to have the baby and... I totally ignored your point of view,” the older man whispered.

“And I told you that it was your decision, not mine or ours, but yours. So... you made it. That is not breaking a promise.”

“Yes, it is. We... we should have discussed it some more.”

“What good would that have done? We...,” Justin sighed, resting his hand on Brian's belly, “we don't agree, so... something has to give... It is your decision and you made it.”

“Then why do I feel so bad about it?” Brian asked, his voice taking on a hint of desperation.

“Because it's an impossible situation with only bad outcomes,” Justin whispered.

“I don't want to die, Justin,” Brian said seriously and Justin only nodded in his arms, not able to say anything that hadn't been said before. “And... I don't want to be selfish again like I have been with Luke and... I don't want to be that kind of person. I... am not that kind of person anymore.”

“Brian,” Justin said seriously. “I told you it was your decision and you made it. Don't feel bad about it.”

“This... this is too big to just be decided by me. This is... it will affect our whole family. All of us... We should decide something like this together.”

“We don't agree, Brian. We have been over this.”

“I know,” Brian sighed, hanging his head, resting it in Justin's neck.

“I... I just wish there was a way to compromise... a way so we wouldn't have to make that decision.”

“I know,” Justin agreed, never stopping to run his hand over Brian's belly. “I am sorry I said all those things about the baby earlier. I... I love this baby, but... I also love you...”

“If...if our roles were reversed, I am not sure I would make the same decision, you know?”

“Yeah.” And Justin knew. Justin knew that if their roles were reversed Brian wouldn't be able to just give up Justin for the sake of their child. Yes, Brian would love their child, but so did Justin. Even though it might not seem that way. He did. He just wasn't ready to lose Brian and he knew that if their roles were reversed Brian wouldn't be ready to lose him either.

“What... what if we don't have to make that choice?” Justin suddenly said, slightly pulling back from their embrace, so he was able to look into Brian's eyes when he spoke. “What... what if we can find a way to save both you and the baby?”

He had been thinking about this for a while in the afternoon, but had then pushed those thoughts away, knowing that it was not his call, but Brian's decision to make.

“Justin, you heard what the doctor said,” Brian sighed.

“Yeah and maybe he is right, but... you are 22 weeks pregnant. Babies born at 23 weeks have a 29% chance of survival and 50% of them have no disability at age 3. And... the numbers only go up. Babies born at 24 weeks have a 46% chance of survival and 60% of them have no disability at age 3. By week 25 it's already 69% and 70% without disability at age 3. I... I know those numbers aren't great, but... they sure as hell sound a lot better than definitely giving up the baby or... losing you...,” Justin ended in a small voice.

“Justin...,” Brian started, but was interrupted by his younger partner.

“No, I mean... the doctor said the first thing would be the surgery and... they wouldn't start the chemotherapy until after the surgery. So... that would give us another two to three weeks, right? I mean... yes, he said that time was of the essence, but... surely they would need time to organise the surgery and to set up the chemotherapy and... by that time we might already be looking at pretty good numbers for the baby.”

Brian heard the excitement and hope in Justin's voice and wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

“Justin, you heard him. You heard what he said about the surgery and the stress it would be for the baby.”

“Yeah, but... I know you. You are strong and healthy,” Brian snorted at that, “well, other than this shit, but you know what I mean. Yes, it will be stress, but... you are the most determined man I know. Hell, after your last cancer surgery you went into the office and tried to work after radiation. If anyone can do this, it would be you.”

“Justin, a... a 50% chance rate of survival and risking disabilities... that's not really what we should be aiming for.”

“I am not saying it's a perfect solution, but you said yourself that you would rather not have to make this choice and... this might be a way we can save both you and the baby... and... this is our baby, Brian. Yours and mine. If there is one child who can make it against those odds, it will be our baby. How can it not be a fighter with both you and me as parents?”

“Sunshine... you're getting ahead of yourself,” Brian warned. “I can't risk the chance that the baby might die or might get a disability because of our decision.”

“Brian... lets be frank here for a second, okay? This baby might be disabled anyway. We don't know that. And... God forbid, but this baby could die anyway. Pregnancies can go wrong even without the interference of cancer and... what if the cancer spreads and...”

“Sunshine, stop!” Brian said, not sure he wanted to hear more.

“I am just saying, things can go wrong anyway. With a pregnancy you never have a guarantee that everything will go fine. And... you said yourself, you don't want to die: What... what if this is the way to save both you and the baby...”

“Or lose both me and the baby,” Brian threw in quietly.

“At least... at least we'll know that we tried. That we fought against this shit and didn't just let it win,” Justin whispered, his voice full of newfound strength and determination.

“You really want this, don't you?” Brian asked seriously, looking into Justin's determined eyes.

“I... I just think that this might give us what we both want. A fighting chance for both you and the baby.”

“When you put it like that,” Brian began, trying to get his feelings and emotions under control. “It sounds too good to be true.”

“Maybe this is the compromise we didn't think existed.”

“Justin, are you sure you have thought this through?”

“Yes...no...no, of course not. How could I? I... I've only just started looking into it earlier yesterday and... no, I haven't thought this through. I...I just can't stand the thought of losing you and I can't stand the thought of you giving up your life for our baby when... when there might be a chance to save both of you. I... I think we should at least try to save both of you, shouldn't we? Isn't that what we owe to Luke and Gus as well? That they at least get the chance that their father might survive this?”

“Do you have any idea what kind of stress you would be putting yourself under if we were to do this...I... I won't be able to help at all with the baby if I am to undergo chemotherapy and... a premature baby will be a lot of work, Sunshine.”

“If this means I can have both you and our baby in my life, I'll gladly take all the stress in the world. I don't care, Brian. I... I just want you to not throw away the chance you have. Yes, I know it's risky, but... even if we just decide to have the baby... things can go wrong and then... then we'll be alone without you and the baby and... I know that there are no guarantees, but... if there is a chance to save both of you, I think we should damn well take that chance and not sacrifice one life for the other without any guarantees that it will work either.”

“You really want this?” Brian asked, holding Justin's gaze.

“The more I think about it, the more... yes. The more I want this. I... I want to give both you and the baby a fighting chance and... I know it's going to be hard, but... it can't be as hard as losing you would be. And... that's what we have our family for. That's what we have our friends for. They will help. We will be okay. You just concentrate on getting better and leave the rest to me, okay?”

“You're crazy,” Brian couldn't help but chuckle slightly.

“And a genius, two reasons why you love me,” Justin smiled confidently.

“True,” Brian smiled. “I love you, I really do.”

“And I love you and I am not ready to let you go,” Justin warned.

“Justin, I... I can't make a decision like that... I... I need time to think about it.”

“I know,” Justin agreed. “Just, promise me that you'll think about it and won't just brush it aside.”

“I promise to think about it and to consider your ingenious idea,” Brian promised with a chuckle. He wondered how Justin did it. Justin always managed to make him feel better, no matter how dire a situation might seem.

“That's all I want,” Justin smiled, before he leaned in and claimed Brian's lips in a kiss.

For that night they had talked enough. Justin knew that he would need to give Brian some time to think about his idea. Hell, he probably needed some time to think about it some more as well. And they would definitely need to do some more research. In the meantime, why not show Brian how much Justin loved him and how much he didn't want to give him up.

Justin stood up, took Brian's hand and led him back to their bedroom. For the rest of the night they didn't speak about the cancer anymore. Instead they made love and relished the feeling of being together in each other's arms.