Chapter 13

When they got up the next day, they talked some more about their options. After all the shed tears of the night before, this time there were no more tears left and it was a rational, calm conversation.

They sat down in Brian's study and consulted the internet, looking up statistics for premature babies and their chances of survival as well as their chances of growing up without any disabilities.

At the same time they did some more research on the type of cancer that Brian had and how it could be treated.

Neither man was naïve enough to trust the internet or to trust the internet more than their doctor, but they wanted to be prepared for their conversation with the doctor and wanted to know a bit more about their options.

Reading up on these topics on the internet hadn't necessary been uplifting or hadn't done anything to raise the mood. After all the internet could make a simple headache sound like you had a brain tumour and were gonna die any minute.

Yet, despite all that, both men felt slightly more informed when their research finished and they moved back to the kitchen for a light lunch before it was time to head off to their next appointment with the doctor.

By the time they were ready to leave for the doctor's office, they had agreed to try and save both Brian's and the baby's life. If they only waited three weeks longer, the baby's chances of survival would already have improved to about 70% and there was an 80% chance that the child would not have any disabilities by the age of three.

Both Brian and Justin were aware that those were not great odds, they knew that there were so many things that could go wrong, but at the end of the day Justin had been right and there were no guarantees anyway and something could go wrong anyway.

This was their best chance to save both Brian and the baby and no matter what happened, they would go through it all together. They had agreed to take this fight on together and to do whatever they had to to win against this cancer that was trying to take Brian's life.

Just knowing that they had made a decision and that this was a decision that they both agreed on had lifted a heavy weight off both their shoulders. It was a first step in the right direction, a direction they both knew would not be an easy one.

But they would be together, they would take on this fight for Brian's and their baby's life together and they just had to believe that they could win. At this point it was all they could do.

When they finally sat in their doctor's office and informed him of their decision, the doctor was not happy. He informed them once more how much of a risk they were putting Brian and their baby's life at. He informed them once more that what they were trying to do was extremely dangerous and that the safer option would be to just concentrate on Brian's life at this point.

Brian and Justin listened to what the doctor had to say, but in the end politely let him know that they were gonna do it their way, if he liked it or not. If he didn't, they would just look for another doctor, but this was their decision and they would stick with it.

The doctor realised quickly that these were not the type of men to mess around and that they were dead serious. This was what they wanted to do, so this would be what they did. And at the end of the day his patient was old enough to make his own decisions concerning his own health and there was nothing the doctor could do against it.

Once the doctor had come aboard and had agreed to go along with their plan, they had sat down to come up with a treatment plan.

They agreed to have the surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung quickly, as to keep the cancer from spreading, but would wait to deliver the baby until after Brian had recovered from that surgery.

The doctor had let them know that it would probably take between two to three weeks for Brian to recover from a surgery that big before he would be ready to start with the chemotherapy, which would have Brian in his 26th week of pregnancy. At that point there would be a 78% chance of survival for their baby and an 80% chance of the baby not having any disabilities at the age of 3. These were the best odds they could hope for under these circumstances and both Brian and Justin agreed to this timeline.

In the end Brian's surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung would be scheduled for four days later, which would be the next Tuesday as today was a Friday. Brian would have to be in the hospital by Monday afternoon to prepare for the surgery, which would give them all weekend to prepare and to have the conversations they needed to have with their sons as well as their friends and family.

Neither man looked forward to those conversations, especially not the one with Gus and Luke, but both of them knew that there was no way around them. It was just a bad situation all around and both of them knew that it would be a long time before the bad times would be over. If they ever would be.

Justin hated that Brian would have the surgery during Christmas time and that they would have to change their usual Christmas plans. With the timeline they had set up with the doctor now, Brian would have surgery on the 12th of December. He would then recover from the surgery for two to three weeks and would start the chemotherapy after Christmas, maybe in the new year. Which meant that their baby which was supposed to be born at the end of March would now be born shortly after Christmas, maybe even still in this year.

It would change a lot of their plans, but none of that mattered to either of them, if it meant keeping Brian and M alive. What did one smaller, different Christmas mean in the long run if it meant that Brian and their child would survive and they would have many more Christmasses to come to celebrate together as a family?

Justin knew that Gus and Luke would be disappointed. They loved Christmas and they loved the big celebration at their house that went with it. They loved having their grandmothers, their aunts and uncles and all the people they loved at their house for a big Christmas dinner just as much as they loved the run up to Christmas during which Justin and the boys would drive Brian crazy with all their decorating, baking and singing of Christmas songs.

All of that would be different this year with Brian in the hospital having surgery and then recovering from his surgery. There was no way they would be able to put on a big celebration like that. Justin just hoped that the boys would understand once they explained everything to them.

Which was another thing he wasn't looking forward to. How do you explain to your eight and thirteen year old sons that their father might die and that their unborn sibling might not survive either? How do you explain something like that to children?

Brian and Justin had talked about it earlier that day, but in the end hadn't really come to a decision because neither of them really knew how to handle a situation like that. At the end of the day, they had both agreed on honesty, knowing that the boys deserved them to be honest and knowing that they would fare best with honesty. But other than that, Justin had no idea how to tell them something like what they had to tell them.

His heart broke at the mere thought of telling Gus and Luke something like this. They would be devastated. Both boys loved Brian and adored him. Brian was a great father to both of them and loved them with all his heart and they loved him back just like that. Brian did whatever he could to make sure that his sons grew up happier than he ever felt as a child and both boys knew that they were loved by their father beyond any doubt.

And even though Justin might never say it out loud, he especially worried about Gus. Poor Gus who had already been through so much in his young life with Lindsay in prison and Melanie just abandoning him. Poor Gus who had already lost two of his parents at such a young age and was now faced with the very real possibility of losing his only biological parent that was left to him as well.

Justin couldn't help but wonder how he would react and promised to himself that he would make sure that both Gus and Luke would be alright. Of course he would, he loved both boys more than anything, but now, he knew that they would need that love even more than usual. They would need to know that Justin was there, loved them and would always take care of them. No matter what. Both of them.

He sighed as they pulled into the school parking lot, a bit early for picking up their sons. They had decided to make it straight to the school to pick up Gus and Luke instead of going home first which wouldn't really have made much sense as they would only have had a couple of minutes at home before they would have had to leave for the school anyway.

Now they were sitting here in the school parking lot with about half an hour to kill before school would be out for the week.

“You okay?” Brian asked as he turned to look at Justin in the driver's seat. Justin had been quiet the whole ride from their doctor's office to the school which was very unlike Justin. Usually he couldn't shut up, but now he hadn't said a single word in the last 45 minutes.

“Just thinking,” the younger man replied absent-mindedly, not looking at Brian, but staring straight ahead at the school building.

“Wanna talk about it?” Brian offered, realising how much unlike him that sentence sounded. Yeah, he had an easier time talking about his feelings and emotions now compared to his younger self ten years ago, but he still didn't like it much. He knew however that Justin was suffering from the news they had received in recent days and he could only imagine how he was feeling and how he was probably bursting to say something about their recent visit with the doctor. Justin was a person that always needed to talk about his feelings and emotions to be able to work through them. Brian had learned that the hard way over the 13 years that he had known him. In the beginning he had hated it, but now he knew that it was just who Justin was and that it was a part of loving him. And he loved him. More than anything. And if talking about feelings was what was needed to keep Justin happy, then that was what Brian would do.

Justin sighed before he turned to look at Brian. “I just don't know how we are going to tell them. How do you tell them something like this?”

Brian knew immediately that Justin was talking about their sons and he understood perfectly. If he was honest with himself, he had no idea either.

“We'll be honest. It's all we can do,” Brian said, repeating what they had agreed on earlier.

“But they are so young. How are they supposed to cope with hearing something like: Oh and by the way, your daddy and your unborn brother or sister might die.”

“Well, we should probably work on the delivery some more before we tell them,” Brian tried to joke, but stopped when he saw Justin's serious expression. Knowing that Justin was in no mood for jokes, Brian turned around to face his partner and took his hands in his own. “I have no idea. I really have no fucking idea at all, but... I know that we'll figure it out. We will. We always do. This will be no different. We'll have a fun day with them and later tonight, we'll sit them down at home and will talk to them. Just like we agreed.”

They had talked earlier about what would be the best time to tell the boys and remembering how they had promised the boys to make up for just leaving them with their grandmother like that the day before, they had agreed to take the boys out for some greasy pizza and a movie before heading home. Once home they would figure out how to tell them. One way or another.

Justin nodded, knowing that there was really nothing more to say. As much as he didn't want to tell the boys, as much as he wanted to keep this away from them and wanted to protect them from this pain and heartbreak that was coming their way, he knew that was not possible. He couldn't protect them from this. All he could do was to be by their side and support them in any way that they needed.

They waited in silence until the school bell rang, announcing that the school day was over. Brian and Justin got out of the car, watching as a horde of children and teenagers came running out of the school building and towards the parking lot.

Gus was the first to appear at the door to the building, surrounded by a group of friends, talking to them, wishing them a happy weekend and saying goodbye to them. Once he and his friends had said goodbye, he looked around the car park and nodded at his fathers when he saw them standing by their car.

He made his way over and gave both of them a very quick, short hug. Gus was 13 now and this was outside his school where his friends could see him. Long hugs with parents were very uncool.

“Hey sonny boy, how was your day?” Brian greeted his son.

“Good. We got the results on our English lit test back. I got an A.”

“That's great, Gus!” Justin enthused, feeling happy for the boy. Gus had grown up to be an incredibly smart boy which wasn't really a surprise if you looked at who his father was and how smart he was. Both Justin and Brian were smart and had always stressed the importance of school work. Yes, they wanted their sons to be happy and have fun in life, but they had always made sure that both Gus and Luke would know that being lazy in school was not an option. Their fathers expected them to study and do well in school which luckily both boys did.

“I am proud of you, sonny boy,” Brian agreed, giving his son a clap on his back before he got into the car. Much like Brian Gus didn't quite know how to handle praise and mostly just tended to ignore when someone said they were proud of him or that he had done well. Now was just one of those moments.

As they waited for Luke to make his way out of the school, Gus looked out of the window at the back and spoke to his father. “Is everything okay, Dad?”

Brian frowned, but quickly schooled his face into a neutral mask after his eyes had met with Justin's for a second. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't it be?”

Gus shrugged. “We had to stay at Grandma's last night. She said you were fine, but... I don't know... usually you tell us before we have a sleepover.”

Not wanting to lie to his son, but also not wanting to tell him what was going on just now in the school parking lot, Brian just decided on as much honesty as seemed okay in that moment.

“Your Papa and I just needed to talk about some things and we figured it was best to do that without any interruptions.”

“You argued?” Gus raised an eyebrow in mild interest.

Damn, that boy was too smart for his own good, Justin thought not for the first time.

“No, Gus. We didn't argue. There were just some things we needed to talk about. Just us. Between adults. I am sorry we didn't give you any warning, it just came up yesterday.”

Gus just shrugged. “It was okay. Staying at Grandma Jen's is fun.”

Just then Luke came running over to their car and immediately jumped into Justin's arms. He was still at an age where he didn't mind showing his excitement at seeing his parents and where he didn't mind if his friends saw that he was excited to see his dads or not.

“Papa!”

“Hey, honey! How was your day?” Justin asked as he held Luke close and gave him a tight hug. He then let his son down, allowing him to walk over to the other side of the car where he gave Brian a hug as well. Much more careful and with less jumping and running, always mindful of his father's pregnancy.

“Great! We got our roles for the Christmas play today and I am gonna be an angel,” he excitedly told his fathers as he gave Brian his hug and quickly touched his belly as he always did when he saw his father.

“An angel? I couldn't think of anyone more perfect for that role,” Brian smiled at his son, thinking about how perfect Luke would be in the role of an angel with his blond curls and shiny blue eyes.

The play was something that was always put on on the last day of the year before everyone was off on their Christmas break and Luke had been excited for days about wanting a part in it and hoping that he would get one.

“How about we get out of here?” Justin suggested, not wanting Luke to get into the whole issue of them attending the play. Of course they would, normally, but this year, with the surgery coming up, Justin just doubted that Brian would be able to go and he knew how much Brian would hate to lie to Luke, so maybe it was better to leave this conversation until after they had told the boys the truth about what was going on.

“Your Dad and I were thinking that maybe we could go and have some pizza at the mall before we go and watch a movie. How about that Christmas movie you both wanted to see?”

Both boys were excited about the idea of pizza and the movie, so they were quickly off on their way.

They had a fun afternoon at the mall, which pretty much was Brian's nightmare, but he did it for his sons and bravely made it through the greasy pizza, all the stores with their cheap bargains and the hordes of Christmas shoppers before they finally arrived at the movie theatre for their movie. Brian hated the mall on the best of days, but during Christmas time with all the happy decorations and Christmas songs blasting through the loud speakers, it was only worse.

“I am gonna make you pay for this, Sunshine,” Brian whispered into Justin's ear as they settled down for the movie, making sure that Luke and Gus weren't listening.

“Oh, I am counting on it,” Justin smirked, before taking Brian's hand and giving it a squeeze. He knew about Brian's dislike of the mall, but he also knew that Brian would do anything for the boys and they both knew that the boys had enjoyed their late afternoon and evening at the mall and the movie theatre. And at the end of the day that was all that mattered.

They enjoyed the movie, a mindless Christmas comedy of the kind that got released every winter, but that made the boys laugh with the antics of the main character and then made their way home once it was over.

Getting closer and closer to the moment both men were dreading, they grew more and more silent and left most of the conversation to Gus and Luke who were happily re-enacting their favourite scenes from the movie in the back of the car.

Once home, Justin suggested that they both get dressed in something more comfortable and come down into the kitchen where Justin would prepare some hot chocolate for the whole family.

Gus and Luke happily agreed, then ran up the stairs, getting rid of their backpacks, their clothes and everything else they wouldn't need.

As the boys got dressed in something more comfortable, Brian and Justin went into the kitchen.

Justin prepared the hot chocolates for himself and the boys and some tea for Brian, who would never drink hot chocolate which he claimed had way too much sugar and then they settled down at the kitchen table, waiting for the boys to return.

“It'll be fine,” Justin said quietly, when he saw Brian's serious expression.

“I hope so.”

“They will be okay. They are both so strong and resilient and they will have us and the family to support them. Don't worry about them,” Justin said seriously, as he leaned in and gave Brian a quick kiss.

He could feel Brian's tension and his pain and he knew how much Brian hated what was to come, but unfortunately, there was no way around it and all Justin could do was be by Brian's side and support him as well as he could.

Just then Luke came running into the kitchen, which made them break up their kiss.

“Where is Gus?” Brian asked, only to hear him coming down the stairs a few seconds later.

Once Gus and Luke had settled at the table as well and had taken their first sips of hot chocolate, it had been Gus who had started the conversation.

“What's with the serious faces?”

“Your Papa and I have something that we need to tell you, but we're not quite sure how.”

“Is it a surprise?” Luke asked eagerly, not yet catching on to the serious tone and faces of his fathers.

“No, it's not. It's something serious,” Justin replied quietly, looking at his son with warm, loving eyes.

“Oh,” Luke just said, before he looked towards Brian. “Is it bad news?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Justin went on, looking at both boys.

“Is that why we had to stay at Grandma Jen's yesterday?” Gus asked with a frown on his face.

“Your dad and I received some bad news yesterday and we needed some time to deal with it ourselves and to figure out how to deal with it,” Justin said.

“Is something wrong with M?” Gus immediately asked in a very concerned voice. He looked at his father from worried hazel eyes that were so much like Brian's that it felt like looking into a mirror when Brian met his gaze.

“M is fine,” Brian said seriously, wanting to take that worry away from the boys. “Though what we have to tell you, will affect the baby as well.”

“I don't understand,” Gus admitted, looking from Brian to Justin in confusion.

“You remember when I had to go to the hospital for that bad cough I had?” Brian asked, looking from Gus' to Luke's confused faces. When both boys nodded, he went on. “The doctors wanted to know where that cough came from and why it was so bad and did some tests and when the results of those tests came back, those were not good news,” Brian whispered in a very quiet voice, hardly audible to the people around the table.

“Are you sick again, Daddy?” Luke asked, his eyes widened in obvious fear for his father. He hadn't liked his father being in the hospital, but once he had come home his fathers had told him that everything was okay and the cough would go away soon.

Justin's and Brian's eyes met and Brian was glad when Justin held out his hand for Brian to hold. Once Brian took Justin's hand in his own, he felt the smaller hand grip his tightly in a supportive squeeze. Brian felt glad for that support. In that moment it meant the world to him.

“Yes. Yes, I am, sonny boy,” Brian whispered, not looking at Luke, but at his and Justin's joined hands. He just couldn't look at his son's face, knowing what kind of pain he would find there.

“And you have to go back to the hospital again?” Gus asked, his voice very serious and quiet.

“Yes, I have to go back to the hospital for a surgery.”

“And then you will be better again?” Luke asked in a hopeful voice.

“Unfortunately, they don't know yet, sonny boy.”

“What do you mean?” Gus asked, raising a brow in confusion.

Brian sighed and took a deep breath before he went on. “They found what the doctors call a tumour in my lung. It's cancer and it means that there are cells in my body that are sick and trying to destroy the healthy cells in my body. This cancer is in my lung and it's a very serious illness. People can die from having lung cancer and we hope that the surgery will help, but it's too early to say that for sure. Nobody knows at this point.”

Luke's eyes had widened to comical proportions while his father had talked. He had heard the word cancer before, mostly from people in his school when they had talked about grandparents or old relatives. He knew that people died of cancer. He didn't know anyone that had died, but he knew other kids who had lost their grandparents or other relatives to cancer.

“You will die?” Luke asked in a fearful voice and that was the point when the first tears left his expressive, blue eyes.

Justin's heart broke for his son when he saw the fear in his eyes and saw the tears and he wished there was something he could do to make that pain go away.

“We don't know, honey. The doctors found the cancer very early, so they can treat it right from the beginning. We all hope that they found it early enough and that your daddy will be fine after he has his surgery and the chemotherapy that will follow.”

While Luke continued crying, trying to understand what his Papa had just told him, Gus asked. “What is a chemotherapy?”

“It's a therapy where they give you a medicine that will kill the cancer cells in your body. Unfortunately, it will also affect your healthy cells and it will make you very sick while you have this therapy. But... once you make it through this therapy, they hope that the sick cells will all be gone and only healthy cells will remain.”

“What kind of medicine makes you sick?” Gus asked, genuinely trying to understand what his father was saying.

“It's a very important therapy when you have cancer, but unfortunately, it's not perfect and it will make you very sick while you have this therapy. Hopefully in the end the sickness will be worth it because all the sick cells will be gone from your body,” Brian explained some more, trying to keep the explanation as simple as he could.

“And then you will be healthy again?” Luke asked, now standing at his father's side, looking at him from his big, teary eyes. Brian had been so focused on Gus and his question that he hadn't noticed Luke getting up from his own chair and coming over to his side. He took his teary-eyed son in his arms and pulled him up to sit on his lap. He held him close and wiped away his tears when he spoke next.

“Yes, that is the idea. That the surgery and this chemotherapy will make me healthy again. We can only hope.”

“And... if it doesn't work?” Gus asked, now sounding quite emotional as well, getting an idea what the answer to his question would be.

“If it doesn't work, then...,” Brian took a deep breath here, “then I might die of this cancer.”

“Die?” And that was the point when Gus also lost his fight against his tears. He was so much like his father and had tried so hard not to cry, but when presented with the very real chance that his father might die, he just couldn't not cry.

“We will do all we can to make sure that doesn't happen,” Justin said, his hand absentmindedly running up and down Luke's back, who was still sitting in Brian's lap and was still crying, while he looked at Gus with tears in his own eyes. “That's why your father will have the surgery to remove that tumour next week and then when he has recovered from the surgery, he will start on the chemotherapy.”

Gus was now coming over to Brian's side as well and threw his arms around his father and his brother in his father's arms. “I don't want you to die,” he cried as he hugged his father like he might disappear any minute now.

“I know, sonny boy,” Brian cried, now having lost the fight against his own tears as well. “I don't want to die either,” he whispered, pulling both his sons and Justin closer and hanging on to them for dear life. This was his family, his lifeline, his reason for living. He was not ready to lose them. Not yet.

They stayed like that for a long time, both Brian and Justin allowing the boys to shed their tears as well. Brian and Justin had already had a day to get used to the idea of Brian having cancer and maybe dying, but the boys had only just been confronted with the very real possibility of their father dying and they deserved to shed their tears as well over that news.

Brian and Justin held them for the longest time, just gently holding them, hugging them tight and whispering soothing words to them.

In the end, they all ended up together in the master bedroom. Usually Brian and Justin made it a point not to have the boys sleep in their bed unless they were sick or had a nightmare and to only have them come into their bed in the mornings for some early morning cuddle sessions, but this time they made an exception, knowing that the boys needed to be with their daddy right now and knowing that both their fathers needed to have the boys close as well.

With both boys being older now, it was quite a tight fit to get all four of them into the master bed, but they made it work.

They tried to talk about nice things, tried to talk about things not connected to their father being sick and in the end fell asleep together in each other's arms.