Chapter 16

“And we can come and see you, Daddy? You promise?” Luke asked in a teary voice when he said goodbye to his father on Monday morning. As had been agreed the day before at family dinner, Jennifer would do the school run for that day once school was over, while Brian and Justin had to get ready to go to the hospital for Brian's surgery the following day and she would take care of the boys until Justin made it home in the evening.

Both Gus and Luke had been very emotional that morning and had pleaded and begged that they didn't have to go to school, but could stay with their fathers.

Brian and Justin had been strict however and had insisted that Gus and Luke went to school. Once they headed to the hospital in a couple of hours there was nothing the boys could do anyway and they wouldn't be allowed to be around for the pre-surgery preparations anyway.

“I promise,” Brian said seriously, giving Luke a hug, before looking him and then Gus in the eyes. “We'll speak tonight and once the surgery is over and I am okay, your Papa will bring you both to the hospital, so you can come and visit.”

Both boys nodded, still not quite happy with what was about to happen, but knowing that they wouldn't be able to change their fathers' minds.

“Okay,” Gus nodded, before leaning in and giving his father a hug as well. They said their goodbyes for the moment, before they left for school with Justin, while Brian stayed at home and cleaned up their breakfast mess.

Once Justin had returned from school, assuring Brian that both boys were okay and would be fine, they got ready to head to the hospital where Brian would have to undergo some more examinations in preparation for the surgery the next day.

Except for him having lung cancer, Brian was a ridiculously healthy man and thankfully in a good condition for what was to come and for the fight his body was getting ready to fight.

The assurance from their doctor that all of Brian's tests had returned okay and he was in a good condition had given Justin some more hope. If anyone could do this, could fight this cancer, it would be Brian. Brian who had lived healthy for so many years. Who avoided eating anything unhealthy whenever he could help it, who went to the gym religiously, who had given up smoking and drugs and drinking for the most part years ago, so he could be a better father for his children.

If anyone was in any condition to beat cancer, it was Brian as far as Justin was concerned and this was a hope that he clung on to for his own sanity's sake.

In the evening, after all tests had been run, everything had been prepared for the surgery the next day, Brian and Justin had spent some time together, curled up on Brian's bed in his private room (Thank fuck for private insurance and being rich, Brian thought not for the first time), silently talking about what the next day would bring.

It was Brian who had urged Justin to make his way home to be with the boys.

“You should go home.”

“I don't want to,” Justin replied quietly, only moving closer to Brian's side.

“They need you more than I do,” Brian replied equally quiet.

“They're okay. Mom is taking care of them,” Justin said, obviously not willing to leave yet.

“They don't need your mom, they need you.”

“Brian,” Justin whined, clearly not willing to leave just yet.

“Please, we promised them,” Brian reminded him.

“And I promised you to be by your side,” Justin whispered, not moving an inch from Brian's side.

“I know you did, but they need you more than I do now. I'll... I'll probably just drive you crazy anyway. Go. Go home and make sure that they are alright. For me, please!” Brian whispered and Justin could hear the emotion in the older man's voice when he spoke.

“I don't want to leave you here on your own,” Justin said once more, looking around the sterile room that they were in. It looked cold, unfamiliar and unwelcoming. He hated hospitals and would never like them, but more than that, he knew that Brian hated hospitals as well. He didn't want to leave his partner alone.

“You are not leaving me. I am sending you home. Go home, take care of the boys, have them call later as we promised. And... then... when they are in bed, call again, okay?” Brian said quietly, his voice betraying his real emotions. He didn't want Justin to leave just as much as Justin didn't want to leave him and he wanted Justin to stay by his side as well and why wouldn't he? Brian was scared and who wouldn't be? He was to undergo major surgery the next day which in itself was already dangerous. On top of that nobody really knew how long it would take him to recover from that surgery. They had been warned earlier that day that Brian might be on oxygen for weeks, maybe months to come, helping his lungs adjust to the smaller lung capacity after the part of the lung that was infected by the tumour had been removed. That in itself was a scary thought. What if Brian would never be able to breathe again on his own? The doctors had said that was more than highly unlikely, but it was not impossible. And the thought scared Justin and he knew it was scary for Brian as well.

And not just because Brian had always been vain and having to wear an oxygen mask or canula would certainly hinder his style, but also because Brian loved nothing more than playing soccer with Luke, messing around in the pool with Gus, having hot, endless sex with Justin. All things that might have to take a step back if his lungs didn't work at full capacity.

Brian had every right to be scared, Justin knew that he definitely was for his partner and he wanted to be by Brian's side, wanted to support him through that. He didn't want to leave his partner alone on the night before the surgery that might have an impact on his body for the rest of his life.

And just hearing Brian's request, asking him to call back once the boys were in bed, showed Justin just how scared Brian really was. Yes, he was trying to act all strong and unemotional, but Justin knew that was just an act and hearing the small voice in which Brian had requested for Justin to call him later in private... that just showed him how much Brian really needed him to be there by his side.

“Brian, it's okay. Mom knows that I am not likely to come home tonight,” Justin said seriously, looking up at the hazel eyes of his partner.

“Please, Sunshine! Just...I want you to go home and take care of Gus and Luke. I need you to make sure that they are alright. Please!”

Brian didn't beg often, Justin could barely remember him begging ever before and hearing the raw pain in his voice when he asked Justin to go home and take care of their sons made Justin feel bad. It made him feel bad about his reluctance to leave Brian alone and his reluctance to go home. Not that he didn't want to be with the boys, but as he had said, he knew that his mom was with them and he knew that his mom would take good care of them. He knew they would be alright with her and he was really reluctant to leave Brian alone in this situation. Yet Brian was requesting again and again that he leave. And that was what made him feel really bad. Even now, even this close to the surgery that could change their lives forever, all Brian was thinking about was their sons, not himself.

Justin sighed, his gaze meeting Brian's for the longest time, before he finally nodded. “Okay.”

Justin could see the relief on Brian's face and could feel his whole body relax immediately. He slightly pulled back from his position at Brian's side and moved up to be in a sitting position. His eyes never left Brian's as he ran his hand through Brian's hair and then gently ran his fingers down Brian's cheek before he leaned in for a gentle kiss.

When the kiss ended, he carefully got out of the bed and got back in his shoes. He stood next to the bed, once more leaning down for a kiss, happy when Brian leaned into the kiss.

“Thank you,” the older man whispered into the kiss and all Justin could do was nod.

He knew how worried Brian was about the boys and he was as well, absolutely. It wasn't like he was not worried about how they were doing, but he was just as worried about Brian and torn about who needed him more. And the boys would have his mom who was taking care of them while Brian would be all on his own, something Justin didn't like at all.

“I love you,” Justin said quietly, pulling back from their kiss, looking at Brian seriously. “I'll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”

Brian nodded, not able to say anything. He swallowed once, twice and Justin knew how emotional he was. He waited patiently, giving Brian the time to get his emotions under control until he was ready to speak.

“I wish it wasn't like this. You would deserve so much better, Sunshine,” he finally got out and Justin's heart broke.

“Stop, Brian! You didn't ask for this and I am right where I want to be. I love you. Not just when it's all rosy and good. I love you, Brian. Through good and bad. We'll make it. You will!”

“I just wish... that we... that I... hadn't wasted so much time,” Brian said quietly and Justin could see how glassy his eyes were, could see how close to tears Brian was.

He instinctively leaned in, hugging the taller man on the bed, holding him close. “Stop that! Right now. It doesn't matter now. All that matters is the here and now. We're here together. As a family. That's all that matters, you hear me?”

When Brian didn't reply, Justin ran his hand through Brian's hair once more. “Brian, I... I really don't want to leave you here on your own when you're in this mood,” he said honestly, not ready to leave now.

“I am okay, Sunshine. Really. Just thinking too much,” Brian sighed, grasping Justin's hand with his own and squeezing. “All those drugs must make me sentimental, I guess,” Brian tried to joke, nodding towards the cup with the mild sleeping pills the nurse had left earlier in case he would have problems sleeping tonight.

Neither Justin nor Brian pointed out that he hadn't taken any pills yet. That wasn't necessary.

“Are you sure you'll be okay?” Justin asked quietly, still reluctant to leave Brian alone in this mood and on this night.

Brian nodded seriously, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “I am fine. Really.”

Justin looked doubtful, but in the end knew that he wouldn't go against Brian's wishes. If Brian wanted him to be at home with their sons that was where he would be.

“I'll have the boys call before they go to bed and I promise to call you later, okay?” Justin whispered, leaning in for another quick kiss.

When Brian nodded and said a quiet 'thanks', Justin just nodded as well, then pulled back and left the room without another glance at Brian, knowing that he wouldn't leave otherwise.

He made his way home and had dinner with the boys and his mom. The atmosphere was very subdued, everyone hanging on to their own thoughts about Brian and the upcoming surgery.

As promised, the boys called Brian on Facetime before they went to bed and spend an hour talking to him about this and that, telling him about their day at school and wishing him all the best for the surgery the next day.

Once that conversation was over, Justin made sure to sit with either boy, giving them the chance to talk to him in case there was anything they needed to talk about.

Both boys were rather calm and collected, though it was obvious that beyond all that, they were scared for their father.

Jennifer had offered to spend the night for which Justin had been glad. It had been good to have her around and even though he hadn't felt like talking to her much, it had been nice to have her hold him and hug him before they had called it a night. It had felt good when she had held him tight, had given him a kiss on his head and had told him that she loved him and Brian. Justin once again felt blessed for how much his mother had changed from all those years ago when she had first found out that he was gay.

He wasn't sure what he would do without her support and he was glad that he had it.

Once he had taken a shower and had made it into bed, he had called Brian as promised. They had talked for almost two hours. Sometimes they had just been quiet, had just looked at each other and had just spoken with their eyes and sometimes they had talked about this and that.

Justin had assured Brian that the boys were alright and had been okay which seemed to calm Brian a lot. Brian still seemed more agitated than Justin had liked, but he guessed that was to be expected. There wasn't much he could do about that, so he just offered Brian an ear whenever he felt like talking about his feelings.

Brian had opened up some during their talk, had mentioned some of his regrets and fears to Justin and Justin had hated not being there with Brian, not being able to hold him and hug him and tell him in person that it was okay. All of that was in the past and long gone and right now their past was not even a blip on Justin's radar. All Justin could think of was the here and now and hopefully the future they would have and he wished that it would be the same for Brian, but he couldn't really blame him for the thoughts he had.

He guessed that if he was confronted with his own mortality, he might feel inclined to look over his life and his actions as well and he might feel regrets as well. He was pretty sure that he would, but he wished that Brian wouldn't put those regrets on top of everything else that was already going on. The past was just that: The past. It was all long gone and didn't matter anymore. He wished Brian would see that as well, but he knew that he couldn't expect that under these circumstances.

So Justin calmly listened to what Brian had to say, gave his thoughts, told him that it was okay, that they were okay, told him how much he loved him, how much the kids loved him and hoped that he was getting through to Brian somehow.

After talking for two hours, it was Brian who ended the call, pointing out that he should probably try to get some sleep, so he would be rested for the surgery the next day.

Justin reluctantly agreed and after the call had ended, started tossing and turning, not being able to sleep at all.

He had tried to go to sleep for two hours, before he gave up, realising that he wouldn't find any sleep at all in their bed. He quietly got dressed, made his way over to the guestroom where his mom was staying, spoke to her for a minute, reassured by her understanding eyes and then left the house.

Fifteen minutes later he quietly made his way into Brian's room. He wasn't surprised when he heard Brian's voice the moment he had closed the door. “What are you doing here?”

Justin just made his way over to the bed, kicked off his shoes and quietly climbed in, curling up at Brian's side, resting his hand on Brian's belly. “Couldn't sleep.”

“Sunshine,” Brian started quietly, but Justin just shut him up with a quick kiss.

“Shut up, Brian. The boys are sleeping, Mom is at the house and I'll be back home before they will get up. I have been tossing and turning for the last two hours and judging by the looks of you it hasn't been much different for you. I did what you wanted me to do earlier, so now it's your turn to just do what I want you to do,” Justin said seriously, looking at Brian from eyes that told him that contradicting Justin would be futile.

Brian just nodded, pulling Justin closer, resting his arm on his partner's hips, holding him close.

They just stayed like that for the longest time and when Brian wondered if Justin might have already fallen asleep, he said quietly. “I am glad you're here.”

To his surprise Justin was still awake and replied equally quiet. “I know.”

After that, no more words were spoken and both men just held each other close. Shortly after, they both fell into the first sleep they both had that night, their bodies finally able to relax enough to let sleep claim them.

As promised, Justin left early the next morning in time for the boys to wake up. It had been a short night and he felt tired when he left, but he knew that he would have slept even less, if at all if he had stayed at home alone in their bed. At least this way he had gotten some hours of sleep.

He went through their normal morning routine with Luke and Gus before taking them to school. His mom had commented on how much calmer he looked than he had at night when he had come to tell her that he would return to the hospital to be with Brian and Justin wasn't quite sure what to make of the smile he saw on her face as she said that. Did she think they had fucked? Really? That had been the last thing on either of their minds. Last night had just been about being together and supporting each other by being there.

Once the boys were in school, Justin returned to the hospital, just in time for Brian to be prepared for the surgery and to be wheeled off. They got a moment of privacy to talk and Justin tried to sound as positive as he could when he said 'Later' as Brian was wheeled off to surgery.

As he made his way back to Brian's private room, preparing himself for the long wait until the surgery was over, he was happy when he saw Emmett waiting there.

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked in obvious surprise.

“I figured you could do with some company,” Emmett just said with a toothy grin, before opening his arms in invitation.

Justin immediately went into Emmett's arms and allowed his friend to hug him and hold him for the longest time. “Thank you,” he just said, being glad for his friend being there, being glad for not having to be on his own while he waited for an update on how the surgery was going.

“Don't mention it, baby,” Emmett just said cheerily, then pointed to Brian's bedside table. “Now have some breakfast. I am sure you didn't eat anything earlier.”

“Emmett, I am not sure I can...,” Justin started, but his reply was waved away by his friend.

“Don't even try. You will eat! The next weeks and months will be hard, stressful and god knows what else and you need to keep your strength up. So eat. Now!”

“You start sounding too much like Debbie for your own good,” Justin said with a smile.

“And you wouldn't dare to contradict me, would you, Sunshine?” her voice suddenly appeared from behind Justin, who turned around in shock.

“Debbie? Mom?” He looked up in obvious confusion when he saw the two women that had just entered the room.

“You didn't expect us to leave you here on your own, did you?” His mother just asked and Justin smiled gratefully at both of them for having come to the hospital and for being there.

Knowing that with both his mom and Debbie present there was no way of getting out of eating Emmett's breakfast, Justin gave in and dutifully made his way over to the bedside table and took a cream cheese bagel and some coffee.

“Happy?” He asked his friend and the two women he considered his moms, glad that they were there and he wasn't alone.

“It's a start,” Debbie said, before she settled in one of the chairs with a coffee of her own.

They all sat down and quiet conversation settled in the room as they all waited for the surgery to begin and for updates on how it was going.

It would be a long day, but at least they would be together.