Chapter 17

Before the surgery they had been warned that it could very well take between three to four hours to remove the tumour completely. Justin knew that and had been prepared for that, but now, after two hours had passed, the waiting was driving him crazy. And he was driving everyone around him crazy.

“Baby, try sitting down, please,” Emmett asked him for what felt like the millionth time and Justin just interrupted his pacing and threw a quick glare in his friend's direction.

“I can't just sit and wait,” he muttered angrily. How could they expect him to just sit, drink his coffee and wait? His partner was in a surgery that in itself could be life threatening and was a huge strain on his body and all that while he was pregnant. How was he supposed to just sit and wait as if everything was okay?

“Sunshine, we know this is not easy, but you need to calm down,” Debbie said reasonably looking at Justin from worried eyes. Right that moment Justin didn't want to think about who she was worried about. Him or Brian? It was most likely most definitely Brian. He was the one that needed their support right now, not himself.

“How do you expect me to calm down when Brian could be dead for all I know? God, why is no one telling us anything? Power of attorney my ass,” Justin fumed, angrily staring out of the window of Brian's room, looking out at the parking lot, cursing all the people he could see. Some of them were smiling. How could they be smiling? This was a fucking hospital and people died here all the time. And now Brian could be one of those. Nothing to smile about as far as he was concerned.

Justin shuddered when he felt arms close around his upper body and heard his mother's calm voice. “Honey, I know you're worried. We all are.”

Just as he was about to protest to that, because really, how could they be so calm if they insisted that they were as worried as he was, his mother spoke again in a deathly calm voice. “We are. So don't even think about saying what you were about to say.”

His eyes met hers and he knew she was serious. When their gazes met, he could see the worry in her eyes and he knew that Debbie was worried as well. Brian was like her son. Of course she would be worried. And Emmett was one of their closest friends and even despite his differences with Brian over the years, they had become close friends again. Emmett was supposed to be the godfather of their unborn child. Of course he was worried for his friend and his future godchild as well. Justin realised what an ass he had been and how his reaction had been totally out of line and just hung his head, not able to say anything.

“It's okay,” his mother said quietly, giving his shoulders a squeeze, thankfully not making a bigger deal out of the despicable reply he had been about to give her earlier than she had to. “Come, sit down for a moment. You'll be no good to Brian if you run yourself ragged with worry.”

She led him over to an empty chair and sat down with him, holding his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “I am sure everything is alright. If it weren't, they would have already told us. Not hearing anything is a good sign,” she said seriously, their eyes meeting and Justin wasn't quite sure what he saw in hers, but her look seemed faraway.

“I... I just need to know that he's okay,” he muttered helplessly, running his hand through his hair in obvious frustration.

“I know... I am sure they will let us know soon,” she tried to calm him, putting on a small smile for his comfort.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Justin just being grateful for her being by his side and for the occasional squeeze she gave his hand, showing him that she was there.

It was Debbie that broke the silence. “I have never really noticed it before, but I guess you and Brian are more alike than I realised,” she said quietly, her voice sounding almost amused by her own statement.

Justin raised his eyes and saw the look that passed between Debbie, his mother and Emmett. He didn't quite understand what that look was about. “Why?” he just asked.

It was Emmett that spoke, his voice sounding sad and wistful. “Big Bad was just the same. Couldn't sit still, couldn't wait for an update when... you know...,” he stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

Justin had an idea what Emmett was refering to, but needed to be sure. “You mean when I was in surgery? After prom?”

It was his mother that nodded and her voice sounded sad when she spoke. “He was so worried about you. He was going crazy when we didn't have any update on how you were doing... if you were still alive...”

Justin took in what she had just said and wondered why this only came up now. People always avoided talking to him about what had happened at prom and afterwards. Most people tried to pretend that it hadn't happened and for a long time Brian had been the same until he had realised that Justin needed to talk about it. Justin had known how painful the memories had been for Brian, but he was sure that in the end it had helped them both to not just pretend that it hadn't happened. To this day he still wondered if things between them would have been different if they had been more honest with each other after the prom, but that was way in the past. It didn't matter anymore. They had moved on from that long ago. He wondered if them being in the hospital now brought those memories back to his mother, Debbie and Emmett and if that was why they mentioned his prom to him for pretty much the first time ever.

“You never told me about that,” Justin said quietly, eyeing his mother.

“It's not an easy time to talk about and...I wasn't exactly fair to Brian at the time,” Jennifer admitted honestly, holding Justin's gaze evenly as she spoke.

“You blamed him,” Justin stated sadly, rather than asked. He noticed the look that passed between Emmett and Debbie and knew that he had been spot on.

“It's not something I am proud of,” Jennifer mumbled, taking a deep breath. “But yeah, I did. At the time I thought that none of what had happened would have happened if he had just stayed away from you that night.”

“That Hobbs asshole took a bat to prom. Why would he bring a bat to prom if he hadn't planned to do something like that?” Debbie angrily explained and Justin could only agree with her.

“I think that was the first time that I realised that Brian might actually love you,” Emmett said quietly, thinking back to that night so many years ago when they had all been sitting in another hospital waiting room waiting for Justin to make it through surgery.

“Why?” Justin couldn't help but ask. He was fascinated hearing about what had happened that night. Even now he still had no recollection of what had happened and most people never mentioned the prom or what had happened to him afterwards. Brian did if pushed, but Justin had learned over the years that Brian also liked to pretend it had never happened. He knew that for the longest time Brian had blamed himself and he guessed that his mom blaming Brian as well had only intensified the guilt he had felt at the time. Which would explain why he had stayed away from Justin after what had happened.

Emmett shrugged. “Going to your prom... that was so unlike Brian. And then... just the way he was here at the hospital, worrying about you, going crazy not knowing if you were dead or alive... you don't worry like that if you don't care about someone and love them.”

“He had a funny way of showing it back then,” Justin couldn't help but mutter, surprised that the words had escaped his mouth before his brain had stopped them.

“He loved you, Sunshine. Even then. He just didn't know how to live with it,” Debbie said quietly.

Justin knew that Debbie was right. Back then Brian had been a different man. There had been so much emotional baggage, so many walls around his heart. He had been scared of loving someone and letting them into his heart. The Brian back then was completely different to the man he was with now. A man that openly loved him, their sons and their family. A man that had worked through his issues, had faced his demons, so he could be a better partner.

“He really loved you, I just couldn't see it,” Jennifer agreed and Justin could only frown at her. Even long after his prom his mother hadn't been happy with him being with Brian and the fact that Brian was with him had been a bone of contention between them for a long time after. “Maybe I didn't want to see it,” she admitted quietly.

“Mom?” Justin frowned, wondering about the unspoken sentiment behind her statement. There was more to it, he just didn't know what.

“You know I am not proud about how I reacted back then, but yes, I blamed him for what had happened and he knew that I blamed him. I hadn't said anything, but I think he could see it on my face every time he looked at me and... I think it's one of the reasons why he stopped coming to see you during visiting hours.”

“During visiting hours?” Justin raised an eyebrow, wondering why his mother had made a statement like that. He knew that Brian hadn't come and seen him in the hospital at all. He knew from Daphne that Brian had been there for the first three days when he had been in a coma, but once he had woken up and it was clear that he would survive, Brian had disappeared and from what he had heard from Michael and other people back then, had embarked on his normal routine of pain management after that.

“He has never told you, has he?” Jennifer asked in slight surprise, wondering if maybe she should have shut up minutes ago.

“Told me what?”

Knowing that she couldn't stop now and that Justin deserved to know the truth, she just went on. Brian might hate her for it, but she doubted it. It all had happened years ago, so long in the past and right now they had much bigger things to worry about than how he had behaved years ago when it had been Justin at the hospital.

“That he came to see you every night while you were in hospital,” she said quietly, not meeting Justin's or anyone's gaze.

“Wh-what?” Justin just stuttered, looking around the room helplessly. He saw Emmett's shocked eyes, but then realised that Debbie didn't nearly look as surprised as she should.

“You knew as well?” He asked her and was surprised when she shook her head.

“I didn't know. He never mentioned anything, but... I had my suspicions. Many nights he would come into the diner hours after Babylon had closed already, still in his clubbing clothes, being uncharacteristically quiet. And he never came from the direction of Babylon or the loft. He always came in from the direction of the hospital. He never confirmed anything, but I figured that he must have gone to see you after his usual methods of pain management hadn't worked.”

“Every night?” Justin just couldn't believe it. For years he had thought that Brian hadn't cared and now he found out that he had come to see him every night.

Jennifer nodded. “Every night, without fail.”

“How do you know?”

“You were barely 18. The nurses informed me that this older man came and stood outside your room night after night, inquiring about your well-being.”

“And you didn't stop him?” Justin was confused. His mother had admitted earlier that she had blamed Brian and he knew that once he had been out of the hospital, she had asked Brian to stay away from him. He wondered why she hadn't stopped him from visiting him at the hospital.

She shrugged. “I didn't see any harm in it. He wasn't talking or interacting with you in any way. He was just inquiring about how you were doing. And... at the time... you worked so hard to get out of the hospital and I knew that you were only working so hard because you wanted to see Brian. You didn't do it for yourself. You did it so you could get out of the hospital and could go and see Brian. If I had stopped him from seeing you, maybe he would have caused a situation, would have come to see you during normal visiting hours, would have stopped you working so hard. I... I know I did him so wrong back then. I couldn't see what is so obvious now. How much he loved you even then.”

Just as Justin was about to reply to that, the door to Brian's room was opened and a young doctor entered the room.

“Mr Taylor?”

“Yes,” Justin answered, getting up from his chair.

“I am Dr. Matthews, I am part of the medical team operating on your partner right now.”

“How is he doing? Is everything okay?”

“Our intent was to simply make an incision and go in and remove the tumour from the surrounding lung tissue. However, the tumour is more involved than we anticipated and unfortunately, cannot be removed quite so easily. What we are going to have to do is to remove the entire lower lobe of your partner’s right lung, and possibly a portion of the middle lobe as well,” the doctor explained to them while drawing a diagram for everyone to see.

“The lower lobe?” Justin asked, knowing that this was bad news. The tumour was more involved than anticipated? It couldn't be removed as easily as they had expected? Justin's worry immediately went through the roof. “What does that mean?”

“The biggest complication is a decreased lung capacity. Depending on the general state of Mr Kinney’s lungs and their ability to pick up the slack, he could experience no effects to profound ones,” the doctor explained.

“How profound?” Jennifer asked, knowing that everyone was thinking the same.

“Well, Mr Kinney will have to rely on some supplemental oxygen for a time following his surgery. It will take some time for his lungs to recover and adjust. If he hadn't been a smoker for years, I’d say he would make a full recovery in two to three months. But, because he may already have some lung damage, there is a chance that he will depend on the oxygen for the rest of his life,” the doctor said seriously.

“So will Brian be okay? I mean, will he still be able to do all the things he does now? Can he still play soccer, play with his sons?” Emmett wondered with genuine concern in his voice.

“I think it is a reasonable expectation that he will be able to play with his sons, although maybe not in long stretches. As for activities like soccer, many of those will be affected. He will become short of breath much sooner. He will have to avoid heavy smoking areas and smog may affect him as well. And physical exertions will tire him much more quickly. I think he will find it difficult at first, but with some physical therapy, he may be able to strengthen his lungs to a reasonable level. But, if he has to remain on oxygen, some activities will be drastically limited,” Dr. Matthews went on.

“Oh God,” Debbie just gasped, holding her hands to her heart.

“So, what happens now? Is the surgery over?” Justin asked, still not able to quite work through all that the doctor had just told them

“No, the surgery is far from over. As I said, we are going to have to remove the tumour and the entire lobe of the lung and it is quite extensive work. We will proceed as quickly as possible due to Mr Kinney’s weakened state due to his pregnancy and this additional strain on his already overtaxed system. I just wanted you all to know what was happening and to address your concerns before we proceeded any further. I’m afraid it will be another three hours or so before we are ready to close,” Dr. Matthews explained, before he stood up, ready to return to the surgery.

Once he had left, their earlier conversation about the time after Justin's prom was all but forgotten and everyone closed in around Justin, holding the younger man close.

“Are you okay, baby?” Emmett asked quietly, looking at Justin with obvious concern in his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said slowly, looking from one person to the next, glad for their support and glad to have them around. “Just worried about him.”

“We all are,” Debbie whispered, wiping away a tear that had run down his cheek. “If anyone can beat this, it will be Brian fucking Kinney, you hear me?”

Justin nodded, not able to hide the small smile that broke out on his face when Debbie had used the 'Brian fucking Kinney'.

After waiting a couple more hours, Justin looked around the room, looking at everyone and everything. He had never realised how boring this room was. He glanced at the clock and saw that the time the doctor had given them earlier for the duraction of the surgery was almost up. He looked around once more and saw Emmett trying to coax Debbie to drink a cup of hot coffee while his own mom sat staring at the clock.

Just then the door opened and Dr. Blaine, the chief surgeon appeared. He walked over and sat down in a chair opposite Justin. Everyone slowly made their way over to their part of the room to hear what the doctor had to say.

“Well, it’s over. Mr Kinney did well and I believe we were able to completely remove all of the tumour. We ended up removing the entire lower lobe of Mr Kinney’s right lung. Fortunately, his lung tissue looked fairly healthy considering his smoking habit. He will need to remain on supplemental oxygen for a time, though. He may eventually be able to go without it, but for the next few weeks or months, he will need it. His lungs are especially weak right now and we will keep him in the ICU for a day or two or so to monitor him closely. Do you have any questions for me right now?” The surgeon asked looking around at the family members surrounding him.

“When can we see him?” Debbie asked, relief clearly evident on her face.

“He is in recovery right now. As soon as he stabilizes he’ll be taken to the ICU. Mr Kinney is quite susceptible to any respiratory infections right now, so anyone with even a mild cold should stay away for a few days. An infection post-operatively could easily kill him. Therefore, I think it best to limit the visitors to only one or two until he is stronger and out of danger,” the doctor looked at all of them and everyone nodded.

Since no one had any other questions for the moment, he left them after that, telling them that he would be around for the rest of the day to monitor Brian's recovery and in case they had any questions.

Once he had left, everyone hugged each other and Justin cried tears of relief. At least Brian had made it through the surgery. At least the first obstacle was now behind them. He knew that the next couple of weeks and months wouldn't be easy, but at least Brian had taken the first step and had come out of the surgery in one piece.

Emmett excused himself, promising to let Ted, Daphne and Drew know about the outcome of the surgery. Justin was glad that Emmett had taken that task out of his hands, he wasn't sure he was up to calling anyone right now.

About thirty minutes later a nurse entered Brian's room.

“Mr Kinney is starting to come around from the anesthesia and is becoming a bit agitated,” she said to the assembled group. “We are having a hard time getting him stabilized. He seems a bit confused and is talking about the weather, calling out the word sunshine again and again.”

All eyes immediately turned to Justin, who took a deep breath before he replied. “He's... he's calling for me. It's my...,” he started to explain, but then decided that it was none of her business what Sunshine meant. “He is calling for me,” he just repeated and everyone else in the room nodded to agree with him.

The nurse nodded, apparently used to stranger things happening at the hospital. “Okay, that makes sense. If he's calling for you, maybe you could say a few words to him. It might help him calm down a bit. Are you okay with that?” she asked and Justin could only nod in reply.

He got up and quickly followed after her as she led him to a door marked Recovery Suite.

They entered the room and Justin was struck by the sterile atmosphere and smell of antiseptic. He followed the nurse to a gurney at the end of the room and immediately recognized the auburn peeking out from under a white sheet.

Brian was moaning softly and tossing his head back and forth while whispering Justin's nickname over and over. Justin quickly walked over to him and found one of Brian’s hands. He took the cold hand in his own and without thought raised it to his lips and placed a kiss on it. He leaned down close to Brian's head and brushed the hair from his forehead before whispering just loud enough for Brian to hear him.

“Hey Brian, I am here. Can you hear me?” Justin asked quietly, still holding on to Brian's hand in his.

Hazel eyes slowly opened and Justin had to choke back a sob as a tear escaped from his worried blue eyes.

Brian attempted a slight smile as he answered. “Yes. Am I o..ok? I’m s...s...s...so c...cold.” he managed to get out as his teeth chattered and his body shivered.

Justin looked at the nurse, a question in his eyes. She nodded before answering the question in his worried blue eyes. “It’s the anesthesia wearing off. A side effect. His body temperature is normal. I’ll get a warm blanket for him anyway,” she said as she crossed the room to a large silver cabinet and withdrew a large, white blanket. She unfolded it and laid it over Brian's trembling form.

“Yeah, Brian. You are ok. No worries. The nurse says the chills are from the anesthesia beginning to wear off,” Justin reassured his partner as he stroked the skin along the back of Brian’s hand.

“It's… o...over, then? I...I m...made it?” Brian questioned as his teeth continued to chatter, despite the warm blanket on him.

Justin tried not to cry, but he felt so relieved he just couldn't help the sob that escaped him. “Yeah, Brian. It’s over. The surgery is done and you are going to be fine. I’m so proud of you. You were so brave and strong and you did it. You made it through with flying colors.”

Brian's eyes fluttered closed and he sighed at Justin’s words. “I...I hurt, Sunshine. Fucking hurts.”

Justin looked beseechingly at the nurse who nodded and gathered a syringe and vial. “Hang on, Brian. The nurse is going to give you something to help ok? Just hang on.”

“S...sun...shine? I...I’m so tired,” Brian barely had his eyes open and his words were becoming more slurred as the medicine took effect.

“I know. Go ahead and sleep. You did so good. I’m here now. Don't worry. Just rest, Brian,” Justin whispered in Brian's ear.

“S...sunshine….. I… I… love… you,” Brian barely managed to get the words out before he drifted off into what Justin hoped was a peaceful sleep.

Tears fell freely now from Justin’s eyes and he placed his lips lightly against Brian’s temple and whispered back to him, “I love you, too, Brian. I love you, too.”

Then he hastily wiped away the tears as the nurse returned to Brian’s side and checked his monitor. She turned and looked at Justin. “That seems to have done the trick. Thank you.”

After twenty minutes of monitoring and stable vital signs, the nurses wheeled Brian out of the Recovery Suite and to the ICU. Meanwhile, Justin went back to Brian's private room where everyone else was still waiting for news.

As soon as Justin appeared in the doorway, Debbie slowly walked towards him and looked to him with pleading eyes.

“Is… Is Brian really ok?” Debbie asked as she wiped her eyes.

Justin looked at the woman that had become like a second mother to him. He took her hand and offered his best sunshine smile.

“Deb, he is doing well. Better than expected. He’s weak and tired, but he looked at me and spoke with me. He knew who I was and understood everything that was said. He is going to be fine,” Justin said and was rewarded with a hug by the matriarch of their little family.

Shortly after, Emmett and Debbie headed off. Emmett had promised to get the boys from school and watch them for the rest of the day and Debbie had decided to spontaneously join him. She needed her grandsons around to cheer her up a bit and Justin knew that Gus and Luke would also love having their grandma there. They loved Debbie and he hoped that they would be okay with both Emmett and Debbie there.

“I'll try to make it home later, but... if not... in any case I'll call, okay?” Justin said quietly as he said goodbye to Emmett.

“Don't worry about them, baby. Debbie and I will take good care of them,” the tall queen promised and Justin had no doubt that if there was anyone who could take the boys' minds off what was going on, it would be Emmett and Debbie.

“Just tell them that Brian is doing alright and I'll call later, okay?”

Emmett nodded and after another round of hugs, he and Debbie left.

Jennifer left shortly after as well, but not before hugging Justin once more, telling him to call her no matter what time of the day or night in case he needed her.

He thanked her for being there all day at the hospital with him and for her support and then settled down in the room, waiting to be allowed to see Brian again in ICU.

After waiting for another ten minutes, he followed the same nurse as she led him to the ICU to be at Brian's side again.

He watched as one of the male OR team aides pushed the warmed blanket down to the foot of the gurney that Brian was lying on and grabbed a hold of the sheet under Brian. On the count of three, the aide and two nurses lifted Brian from the gurney and gently placed him in the bed. He was turned onto his left side and a pillow propped behind him to keep him from rolling onto his back. The aide then pushed the gurney outside of Brian’s door, next to where Justin was waiting.

Justin watched as the nurse lifted the gown from Brian’s chest and checked a tube sticking out from between his ribs. She then adjusted the mask covering Brian’s face and providing him with much needed oxygen. When she was satisfied that Brian was stable and comfortable, she smiled at Justin and motioned for him to enter.

Justin sat on the stool next to the bed and took Brian’s hand again. It felt warmer than before for which Justin was glad. As if sensing his presence, Brian opened his eyes and searched for Justin's.

“Sun...shine?” his voice was weak.

“I’m here, Brian. Right here,” Justin assured as he stroked the back of his hand across Brian’s forehead.

“I...I’m so c...cold, Sunshine. P...People get c...c...cold right b...before they die. I...I don’t want to die,” Brian stuttered out as his quivering chin and chattering teeth became more pronounced.

Justin felt the tears prick behind his eyes at the fear in Brian’s voice. “Brian, listen to me. You aren’t going to die. I won’t let that happen. You hear me?”

Turning to the nurse, Justin just asked in a fearful voice. “Is it normal that he's still cold?”

“It's a side effect and with some patients it takes a bit longer for the coldness to wear off. Let me get that blanket back for him.”

Justin nodded thankfully as he watched the nurse head outside to the gurney and get the blanket that was covering Brian before. She once again unfolded it and laid it over Brian's shivering body.

“You should be warm soon,” Justin whispered, leaning down to leave a small kiss on Brian's forehead

“Ok...ay,” was all Brian replied, before his eyes closed once more and he sank back into sleep.

Justin watched him for a long time, gently running his hand through Brian's hair, before he felt his own tiredness catch up with him and he sank down into a restless sleep himself in the chair at the side of Brian's bed.