Chapter 18

Justin awoke to the sound of a loud beeping alarm. His eyes frantically scanned the various monitors as he began to panic. A nurse appeared almost instantly.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong? Is he ok?” The questions poured from Justin as he grabbed Brian’s hand.

“Easy, Justin. Everything is fine. Mr Kinney is fine. The IV solution bag is empty is all. Relax,” she soothed as she replaced the empty bag with a full one. Justin breathed a sigh of relief and settled back in the chair next to the bed. Thank God for Brian's new nurse, Jackie, who had pitied his poor ass and had brought him a more comfortable chair from the nurses’ lounge earlier on.

Justin watched as Jackie made some adjustments on the monitor. She looked at him and offered a small smile. “You know, you can go home and rest. I will call if anything changes. He’s in good hands with me, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that I want to be here when he wakes up,” he explained hoping she wasn’t insulted.

“Alright then. I’ll be at the desk if you need me. And try not to worry- he is doing well. He’s stable and should actually be waking soon,” she said as she left the room.

***

He couldn’t breathe. There was a painful burning on his right side with every intake of breath. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but his throat was dry and his mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton. He struggled to open his eyes, but they felt glued shut. What the fuck was happening? Where was he? Wasn’t there anyone around to help him? He tried to move his arm, but it felt like a dead weight was holding it down. He struggled against the pull of dark heaviness, but couldn’t quite break through the surface. With a sigh he succumbed to the darkness and silence once again……

Voices. He could hear muffled voices somewhere and he tried to focus and understand the words.

Coming around. Still very weak. Probably the painkillers. Brian. Brian.

Jesus! His head was throbbing and his whole body felt like it had been trampled by a herd of elephants. Why did he hurt? What the fuck had happened? Who was calling his name?

Brian? Can you hear me? Come on, Brian. Open your eyes, honey. Brian?

It was a woman’s voice, but one he didn’t recognize. Why was she calling him honey? He tried to speak, but his mouth was so dry and his throat felt like he had swallowed a box of needles- a large box. He turned his head towards the voice hoping that whoever was there would help him. He felt a hand under his shoulder as his body was gently lifted, and then cool water touched his lips and he drank greedily.

“Easy, love. Not too much. God love ya, you’re as weak as new born puppy,” the woman said as she gently laid him back. “Can you wake up now? I hear from your partner here that you have some really nice hazel eyes. Open them up and let me see. C’mon, Brian. Wake up, honey.”

Brian tried again to force his eyelids to open. Slowly he could see light as it sliced through the darkness. The images were blurry at first, but soon started coming into focus more and more and he could see the figure of a woman standing over him. And then another voice, a familiar one, interrupted the quiet of the room.

“Brian, it's me. I am here. It's alright. You're okay.”

Justin. It was Justin's voice and Justin was speaking to him.

“S...s...unshine?” he managed to get out but his voice was so scratchy and barely above a whisper he wasn’t sure the word even got heard.

“I’m here, Brian.”

Brian turned his head towards the voice and suddenly Justin's smiling face was indeed the first thing he saw and that was the only thing that made sense in this whole situation.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Justin asked as Brian continued to struggle to come back to the present from a very deep dreamlike state.

“Ungh. Like I’ve been run over by a truck,” Brian managed but as he came more and more into consciousness, the pain intensified and he shuddered from it.

“Brian, my name is Jackie. I’m your nurse for the next few hours, hon. Are you feeling pain right now?” her voice carried a slight accent that Brian couldn't quite place.

Wincing as the burn in his chest spread around to his back, Brian nodded.

“On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst pain, what would you say you’re feeling?” she asked him.

“Twenty-two,” he answered as another sharp pain stabbed him and took his very breath.

“Ok, love. Hang on for a few seconds and ol’ Jackie here will make it all better for ya,” she replied.

Brian closed his eyes and tried not to move as he concentrated on breathing. A cool hand on his forehead tempted him though and he opened his eyes to meet shining blue ones.

“Easy Brian,” Justin whispered to him as he smoothed his fingers across Brian’s furrowed brow.

Brian attempted a smirk, but it quickly became a grimace and he reached for something to squeeze. Justin’s hand quickly grasped his and Brian bore down as the pain caused tiny beads of sweat to appear on his forehead. He heard Jackie shuffle into the room and then a welcome numbness filled his body as he drifted back into the darkness.

***

Once Jackie had assured him that Brian would be sleeping for the rest of the night, Justin had made his way home to spend some time with the boys. As much as he had wanted to stay with Brian at the hospital and be at his side, he knew that realistically speaking there was nothing that he could do for Brian as long as he was in ICU and taken care of by the nurses and doctors there. Especially as he was still so weak and sleeping a lot.

Knowing that his sons would need to see him and would need him more at home than Brian needed him at the hospital, Justin had made the hard decision to leave Brian in Jackie's care for the remainder of the night and to return home.

Jackie had promised to call him as soon as Brian's condition changed or as soon as he woke up again, but deep down Justin knew that she wouldn't call him unless something was seriously wrong.

She had urged him several times to go home and once she had found out that he and Brian had two sons at home, she had been even more adamant that there was nothing that he could do for Brian and that he would be better off spending some time with his sons.

As soon as he entered Britin, he was engulfed in crushing hugs by his two sons, who seemed to have been waiting right next to the door as soon as they had heard his car coming up.

“Papa!” Luke exclaimed as he nearly jumped into Justin's open arms, engulfing him in a tight hug.

“Papa, I am glad you're home,” Gus welcomed him in a slightly calmer manner, but hugging him as well.

“How is Dad?” The older boy immediately asked, not able to hide the worried look on his face.

Luke immediately joined with his own questions. “Is Daddy okay? Has he woken up?”

Justin ruffled Gus' hair and let down Luke, before getting out of his jacket. “Let's head into the kitchen, okay? I can really do with a tea. And then I'll tell you all you want to know, okay?”

Both boys nodded, never leaving Justin's side as they all made their way into the kitchen where Emmett had already put on the kettle.

Justin threw his friend a grateful smile as he settled at their kitchen table, Luke and Gus still at his side. He urged them to sit down as well and once everyone was settled, he started updating them on Brian's condition.

“Your Daddy is okay. He has woken up after the surgery and we talked earlier, but he's still very tired and in a lot of pain. The surgery went well though and the doctors say that they were able to remove the whole tumour and all of the sick cells. Your Daddy did really well today.”

Justin saw how Gus' shoulders sank in relief and he also saw how Luke seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“Can we give Daddy a call and speak to him?” Luke asked and it was obvious in his blue eyes that were so much like Justin's, how much he still worried and missed his father.

“Your Daddy was asleep when I left the hospital and the doctors think that he will sleep for the rest of the night. It was a very long surgery and it made him very, very tired. Not tonight, honey. I am sorry.”

Luke hung his head and when Justin saw his son's sadness, he opened his arms and urged for Luke to come over. The younger boy quickly came over and settled into his father's lap. Justin looked at Gus and offered for him to come over, but Gus shook his head slowly, just eyeing Justin from worried eyes.

“Can we see Dad tomorrow?” The older boy asked and Justin could hear all his pain in that one question.

“I don't know, honey. Your Dad is still in ICU and he is not allowed that many visitors right now. ICU is not a place for small children like you and Luke. He might get transferred back to his own room tomorrow if everything goes well. If that's the case, you can come by tomorrow after school, okay?”

“And if not?” Gus asked, sounding sad, but resigned to what Justin had said.

“I am sure your Dad will be much more awake tomorrow than he was today. He would love to see you and Luke, Gus. If he's still in ICU, I am sure he would love to at least speak to you and I'll try to at least arrange a call, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus agreed grudgingly and Justin felt for the boy. He knew how hard this was for Gus, who had already lost both his mothers and now stood to maybe lose his father as well. All he could try to do was be there for him and offer him an open ear.

“How about you two come to the master bedroom tonight? The big bed is always so empty without your Daddy here. We can watch a movie together and just hang out together, if you want,” Justin offered, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get a wink of sleep without Brian there with him any other way.

Gus nodded and Luke seemed rather excited at the idea of sleeping in the master bedroom and both boys rushed off when Justin urged them to get cleaned up and changed and told them he would be with them in a short while.

When Emmett came over with his cup of tea, Justin took it from him gratefully. “Thanks.”

“Don't mention it, baby. So, how is Brian?”

“In a lot of pain,” Justin said sadly, his eyes filling with tears. “God, I've never seen him in that much pain. Not even when... you know, after his first surgery. He... he was so tired and hardly able to keep his eyes open. He seemed so weak. So...not like Brian, you know?”

Emmett just nodded and took his friend into a hug. “I am sure he will be a lot better by tomorrow. Today has been hard on him. I am sure he'll do much better after a night of rest.”

“I hope so. I... I can't see him in pain. It's like just seeing his pained eyes made me hurt as well.”

“That's called being in love. You feel all the pain your loved one feels. It's part of the deal,” Emmett said quietly in a wistful voice.

“I am not sure I can do this, Emmett. I... How am I supposed to be there for Brian and the boys when it's breaking my heart every time I look at one of them? Every time I see Brian and the pain he is in, I just want to make it go away and want to make sure he's okay in a place somewhere safe and then I come home and I look at Gus and Luke and I see the pain they are in and... I just want to take it all away from them. They don't deserve this...,” Justin was now crying openly and Emmett only held his friend closer.

“You just hold on until you make it through and hope for the best. It's all you can do right now, honey. And don't worry. We'll all be here to help you. Look,” Emmett said as he took Justin and led him over to the fridge and opened it. “Debbie's way of pain management and keeping the boys busy,” he said as he pointed at a fridge that was filled to the brim with tupperware boxes filled with Lasagna, different pasta dishes and some other casserole dishes.

“Where is she?” Justin asked, only realising now that the redhead was nowhere to be seen.

“She went home to Pittsburgh about an hour ago. Something about needing Carl around tonight,” Emmett said quietly.

“Is she okay?” Justin immediately worried, knowing how hard this all was on Debbie, who considered Brian to be her son. After she had lost Michael, she now stood to lose Brian as well.

“She'll be fine. Carl will make sure of it. And I promised to drop by her place with an update before I went home tonight.”

“I can give her a call,” Justin immediately offered, but was stopped by Emmett right away.

“You've got those two boys to take care of. Your plate is already full enough. Don't worry about anything else, baby, okay? Let me and everyone else take care of the rest.”

Knowing that Emmett was right and that he was in no position to take care of everyone on his own, he knew that he would have to let the others help him. Otherwise he would end up right next to Brian at the hospital due to exhaustion and where would that leave Gus and Luke?

Turning back to the fridge, Justin couldn't help but smile. “Does she want to feed an army?”

“Just you and the boys... You know how she is. Cooking calms her down and to be fair, it distracted Gus and Luke as well. Helping her cook was good for them,” Emmett said quietly.

Knowing that Emmett was right, Justin just nodded.

“And she forced me to tell you that you better eat what she has left in the oven or she will personally come back to kick your ass, no matter how delicious that might be. Her words, not mine.”

Justin couldn't help but laugh and had to admit that laughing felt good. It felt good to just forget about tumours, cancer, surgeries and everything going on in his life right now, if only for a few moments.

“I will, don't worry. I'll get some dinner before I head upstairs,” Justin promised, intending on actually going through with his promise. Surprisingly, after having been at the hospital all day, he felt quite hungry, if he was honest.

“Good,” Emmett said, giving Justin another hug. “Do you need anything else tonight, baby?”

“No, thanks, Emmett. We'll be fine. I can't thank you enough for taking care of the boys and everything...”

“Don't mention it. You know you can call me at any time, okay?”

Justin nodded, before he followed Emmett towards the hallway, watching as he put on his jacket.

“Blake will come by tomorrow to pick up the boys from school. Just give him a call concerning Brian's condition, okay? He can take the boys to the hospital or he's also prepared to take them home and spend some time with them here. Teddy also said that he and Blake have no plans tomorrow night, so they can stay all night, if you need them to. Just text them or give them a call.”

Justin nodded, grateful that his friends had already organised a schedule between them and that there was nothing much left for him to organise. “I really can't thank you all enough for your help.”

“Don't mention it. It's what family does. You call me if you need me, okay? And give big bad my best tomorrow.”

Justin allowed Emmett to kiss his cheek in goodbye, then watched as his friend left and headed home to Pittsburgh. Not for the first time he felt glad for the love and support they got from their family and friends.

***

Two days after the surgery, Brian was released from ICU and taken back to his own private room and finally the boys were allowed to come and see their daddy at the hospital.

The night before, as promised by Justin, the boys had had a short call with Brian, but Brian had still been very tired and in some pain, so they had kept the call short. Justin had known however that this call hadn't only been important to the boys, but had been just as important to Brian. During the call with the boys, Brian had sounded more alert and awake than he had all day and he had also sounded less in pain.

Justin couldn't help but wonder if it had just been a show that Brian had put on for the boys' sake or if it had been the fact that talking to his sons had helped Brian's condition improve.

At the end of the day it hadn't mattered, all that had mattered had been the fact that Brian and the boys had been able to speak, if only shortly and that the next day after school the boys had finally been allowed to see their daddy.

Both Gus and Luke had been incredibly quiet on entering Brian's room and had very carefully made their way over to Brian's bed.

It had been obvious to everyone who had been there, Brian, Justin and Blake who had been kind enough to drive the boys once more, that both boys had been intimidated by all the machines surrounding Brian's bed and by all the tubes and the oxygen mask over his face.

They had stopped a short distance away from the bed, as if afraid to touch anything or Brian. It was obvious that they were scared of disrupting any of the many machines beeping constantly around the room.

“Hey,” Brian had smiled at them from under his oxygen mask, his face lighting up when he saw his sons.

“Hey, Dad,” Gus said quietly, a small smile on his face as well.

“Hey,” Luke said timidly and it was quite obvious that he was intimidated by the setup of the room and by seeing Brian with all the tubes, infusions and the oxygen mask.

While Gus slowly made his way over to one of the empty chairs at the side of Brian's bed and started speaking quietly with his father, Luke stayed where he was, just watching everything from big, wide eyes.

Justin made his way over and put a gentle hand on Luke's shoulder, trying to give his son some comfort and strength that way. “Why don't you come and sit with me, huh?”

Luke nodded and seemed relieved when Justin picked him up and carried him over to his chair. Normally, Luke would have been too big to be carried around like that and he would have complained himself about being carried around like a baby, but now he just allowed Justin to carry him back to his chair, still taking in everything in the room.

Blake allowed the family some privacy and told them that he would be down at the cafeteria, getting some coffee.

Brian threw worried glances at Justin every once in a while as he was speaking with Gus and Justin knew that he was worried about Luke's reaction. So far Luke hadn't said anything beyond his earlier “hey” which was very unlike Luke.

Justin met Brian's gaze and indicated that he should keep talking with Gus and that he would take care of Luke.

“Are you alright, honey?” Justin asked quietly, not wanting to disrupt Brian's and Gus' conversation.

Luke just nodded, but didn't say anything.

“Why don't you tell Daddy about your science test today?” Justin asked, hoping that he could get Luke to say something that way. Luke had been studying very hard and had proudly shown off his knowledge on recycling to Justin the night before.

Luke just shook his head, but still didn't say anything, clearly overwhelmed by his surroundings.

Knowing better than to pressure him, Justin just hugged him close, running a hand through Luke's hair. “Alright.”

He listened in as Brian and Gus talked and he was glad that Brian was finally fully awake again and able to actually have a conversation. The day before he had still tired easily and had fallen asleep almost every hour. Today had been the first day where he had been able to stay up for longer periods of time.

The chief surgeon had been by earlier and had told them that he was very happy with Brian's recovery so far and that Brian was doing very well. He informed them that if everything continued to go as well as it did now, they would be able to have the c-section to get the baby before the end of the year, so that they could start with the chemotherapy treatments right at the beginning of the new year. Brian would be around his 25th, 26th week at the time and the doctors were optimistic that the baby would be fine if they got it then.

All that mattered to Justin was that Brian wasn't in pain anymore. He had been in some slight pain still the day before, but when he had woken up today, he had told Justin that most of the pain had passed and he wasn't in any real pain any longer. Justin had felt really relieved about that.

“When will you come home, Dad?” Justin heard Gus ask and couldn't help but smile gently at the boy. It was so obvious how much he missed his father.

“If everything goes well, probably in about a week,” Brian said quietly, his voice sounding slightly distorted due to the oxygen mask he was wearing.

“And we can come and visit you every day until then?”

“Yes, of course. Now that your Dad is back in his normal room, you and Luke can come by after school and on the weekend,” Justin promised.

“That is good,” Gus said with a small smile, looking at his dad happily. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Brian said, a small smile visible under his oxygen mask. “All of you,” he said as he looked at Luke and Justin as well.

Justin met Brian's gaze and nodded. He missed Brian as well. And not just in a sexual way as some might assume. He just missed having Brian around, just missed talking to him, just missed seeing him with their children, just missed having him at home.

“And the baby?” Gus asked, by now carrying the conversation as Luke had still to say a word.

“The baby is fine,” Brian answered as his hand wandered down to his belly and unconsciously settled on it. “Your brother or sister is very strong and made it through the surgery just fine.”

“That is good,” Gus said, his hand joining his fathers and gently rubbing his belly as well.

They stayed for another thirty minutes, before Blake returned. He talked to Brian for a couple of minutes as well, assuring him that Ted hadn't burned Kinnetik to the ground yet and didn't seem more stressed or panicked than he usually did, assuring Brian that Ted and Cynthia had everything under control at Kinnetik.

When it was time to say goodbye, Blake taking the boys home, so they could start on their homework and dinner, Justin promising to join them for their bedtime, Gus carefully leaned in and left a kiss on Brian's cheek.

“See you tomorrow, Dad,” he whispered and Brian ran a hand through his hair, smiling at him as he replied. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

“Come on, say goodbye to Daddy,” Justin urged gently, as he let Luke down from his lap, watching as the small boy looked around with wide, scared eyes.

“Bye, Daddy,” he said timidly, not stepping any closer.

Brian smiled at Luke, holding out his hand carefully. “Come here, sonny boy.”

Luke just shook his head, staying where he was.

“It's alright, Luke. It's just me.”

When Luke still didn't move, Justin could see the pain in Brian's eyes. He felt for Brian, but also knew better than to push Luke into something he wasn't ready for.

“Don't you want to give Daddy a kiss goodbye?”

When Luke turned to him and looked at him from tear filled eyes, Justin's heart broke. “I don't want to hurt him,” he said in a very small voice that only made Justin want to hug him closer.

“You won't sonny boy,” Brian whispered, his voice emotional as he spoke. Justin knew that Brian felt Luke's pain as well.

“How about I show you how I kiss your daddy goodbye without hurting him and then you copy me?” Justin suggested, hoping that Luke would be okay once he saw that neither Gus nor Justin had hurt Brian when kissing him goodbye.

Luke shrugged, but didn't say no.

Justin carefully moved over to the side of Brian's bed, standing close to the head of the bed. “I usually just stand here and then you can lean over and give Daddy a kiss goodbye without touching any of the machines or tubes or anything,” he demonstrated, just like Gus had done before.

Luke watched and when he saw that Brian didn't seem to be any worse off after Gus and Justin had kissed him goodbye, he slowly, very carefully made his way over to Justin's side. He stopped next to Justin and when Justin moved aside to make space for Luke, he looked at his father from fearful eyes.

“It'll be alright, sonny boy,” Brian encouraged, a gentle smile on his face as he watched Luke come closer and lean in carefully.

Luke gently left a kiss on Brian's cheek, then immediately pulled back with fearful eyes. “Did it hurt, Daddy?”

Brian shook his head slowly, his smile still in place. “Not at all. Quite on the contrary. Your kiss helped make me feel better.”

“Really, Daddy?”

“Really,” Brian nodded, trying to sound as positive as he could.

Luke leaned closer again, whispering in Brian's ear as he pointed at all the machines surrounding the bed. “Do they hurt you, Daddy?”

Knowing that Luke was only worried about him, Brian put on his best smile and shook his head. “No, they don't. They make sure that I am doing better and okay, but they don't hurt me.”

“That is good. They look scary,” Luke said quietly, looking at Brian from his big eyes.

“I know. They scared me at first, too, but then the doctor explained that they were here to make me feel better and once I started feeling better and realised that he was right, I wasn't scared anymore,” Brian told him seriously.

“You were scared as well?” Luke asked from wide eyes, suddenly having forgotten that he hadn't said a word at all during their visit, seemingly having gotten over that quietness and ready to talk now.

“Yes, I was. But don't tell your Papa or he will make fun of me for being scared,” Brian winked which made Justin roll his eyes.

“I won't. It can be our secret,” Luke suggested.

“That sounds good. How about tomorrow, when you come back, I explain about the machines to you like the doctor did to me, so you'll know what each of them does and what it's good for. That way we can both get over being scared of them,” Brian said, looking at Luke from conspiratorial eyes.

“Okay, Daddy,” Luke smiled, before leaning in once more, leaving another kiss on Brian's cheek. “To make you feel better, Daddy!”

“Thanks, sonny boy. See you tomorrow,” Brian said happily before Gus and Luke left with Blake.

Justin watched after his sons with a smile as they left with Blake, before he turned back to Brian, smiling at his partner gently. “Well done.”

“Well done what?”

“You took away his fear and made him feel better about all these machines. Poor guy seemed so intimidated.”

“It's the least I could do,” Brian said quietly, not saying anything more. And he didn't have to. Justin still heard the unspoken words in Brian's statement. 'After all I am putting you and the boys through.'

Not ready to have this conversation again, cutting Brian some slack seeing how he had just made it through a big surgery two days ago and had just been visited by their sons for the first time, Justin decided to let it slip, not ready to remind Brian again that this wasn't his fault and he hadn't asked for any of this.

He knew that Brian didn't do well with guilt and it wouldn't do to have that conversation now.

Instead Justin sat down by Brian's side again and leaned in, leaving tender kisses all over Brian's cheek, his forehead and every part of his face he could reach around the oxygen mask.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked in slight amusement.

“I heard someone say that kisses made him feel better, so here I am, helping to make you feel better,” Justin smiled, before kissing Brian some more, who chuckled in amusement and allowed Justin to kiss him some more.