Chapter 19
As mentioned by their doctor before, Brian had been able to return home after staying in the hospital for a week. His body had recovered from the surgery as well as was possible and the wound was healing well.
Brian had still been very weak and was forced to wear an oxygen mask at all times, his body still getting used to his decreased lung capacity which had led to him tiring a lot faster than he had before the surgery, but they had been told that much by their doctors and had known to expect that.
They had also been warned that Brian had to be careful when being around other people as his body was still recovering and his immune system might not be what it had been before the surgery. As the C-section was only planned for a week later, right after Christmas, they had warned him to stay away from any people with sicknesses, even if it might just be a light cough.
Not wanting to risk anything, Justin had decided that this year they wouldn't have a big Christmas celebration like they normally had, but would just spend Christmas alone together as a family. Everyone in their family had understood and had accepted Justin's decision and the family had gotten ready for a much quieter, less stressful Christmas.
Sadly Brian having to stay clear of people with sicknesses also meant that he couldn't attend Luke's Christmas play at school and would miss his son in his role as an angel. Luke had been very sad about that, but had understood when his Daddy and Papa had explained to him that this was to keep Brian healthy and to make sure that the baby could be born healthily.
He hadn't been happy, but had understood what his parents had been saying and he had been elated when his Papa had surprised him by recording his part in the play and when they had shown it back at home to his Daddy later that night.
Brian had been impressed by Luke's performance and had dutifully praised his son which had made Luke very happy and had made him forget about his earlier sadness when his father had missed the play.
Justin knew that Brian had hated missing the play and not seeing Luke in his role, but unlike Luke, Brian was an adult and knew that there was no way he could have joined. Even if it hadn't been for the risk of getting sick, it would have been very doubtful that Brian would have made it from the car park to the auditorium and back. Not even speaking about how much explaining would have been needed to calm down all the other children and explain to them why Brian was suddenly wearing an oxygen mask.
Knowing how much Brian had hated not seeing Luke, Justin had asked the teacher before if it was okay to record Luke's part for his father at home and thankfully the teacher had agreed. Seeing the proud expression on Brian's face and the happy expression on Luke's, Justin knew that he had done the right thing.
When Christmas came around, Justin and the boys prepared their normal Christmas dinner and decorated the house and the tree and on Christmas morning the whole family met around the tree to unwrap their presents.
Later that day Jennifer came by for a short visit, wanting to see her son and his family on Christmas and she then took the boys to Pittsburgh with her, so they could attend the big family shindig that this year took place at Debbie's house instead of Britin.
They had all agreed that Luke and Gus shouldn't miss out on their traditional Christmas family celebration and the boys had only been too happy to spend some time with their uncles and grandparents.
Brian and Justin had been sad to miss the Christmas celebration at Debbie's, probably more sad than many people would have assumed, knowing those two, especially Brian, but at the end of the day, it had given them some private time alone.
The last two weeks with Brian's diagnosis and his surgery and recovery afterwards had been hectic beyond belief and both men were happy about this short break.
They had used the time that Gus and Luke had been in Pittsburgh with their family to just get some rest. They had cuddled together in their bedroom and had just enjoyed being close together. There had been nothing sexual about that, seeing how Brian was still way too weak for anything sexual and how sex was probably the last thing on their minds right now, but just being together, lying in each other's arms and enjoying some quiet downtime had done them the world of good.
All in all it had been a very quiet, very small Christmas, but a Christmas that they had still enjoyed.
On the 28th, Brian had been readmitted to the hospital, the doctor's deeming him strong enough for his C-section.
Justin still had his doubts about Brian being strong enough, seeing how he could hardly make it from their bedroom down the stairs to the living-room and back up on his own without help and how he still took several naps a day and slept way more than he normally would, but he understood that time was not on their side and that the sooner the baby was born, the sooner they could start the chemotherapy treatments.
It had been a teary goodbye when Brian had gone back to the hospital, the boys staying home with their grandmother Jennifer, but the prospect of having a new brother or sister soon had cheered them up.
Everyone just hoped that everything would go well and that Brian and the baby would be fine after the c-section.
As this wasn't Brian's first c-section, he knew what to expect and was quite familiar with what was about to happen, but seeing how Justin had missed Luke's birth, he had been overwhelmed by everything going on.
He had been allowed into the operating room with Brian and had stayed at Brian's side the whole time, taking everything in with big eyes. This was his baby being born and for the first time, he would actually be present for that magical event. He would be present and would be able to see his baby being born.
Unlike with his first c-section, Brian hadn't been given a local anaesthesia, but had been put under completely. With his reduced lung capacity and him still recovering from his surgery two weeks before, the doctor's had decided that this would be safer and less stress on his already recovering body.
Brian hadn't been happy, but knowing that there wasn't much he could do about it and knowing that it was more important for Justin to be present and to see the birth of their child, he had finally given in, after much less fight than both the doctor and Justin had expected.
Justin knew that Brian hated not being awake for the birth of their child and he knew that Brian's guilt was on override because he was blaming himself for not giving Justin the perfect birth he thought that Justin deserved, but Justin couldn't have cared less.
Yes, of course he would have prefered another scenario, a scenario where he and Brian would both be present and awake to see their baby born, but in that scenario the baby would also have been born weeks from now and not at 26 weeks as it was happening now.
Justin had accepted weeks ago when they had found out that Brian was sick that he wouldn't get his fairytale pregnancy and birth and while it had made him sad, he had quickly realised that all he cared about was Brian and their baby being fine. Who cared about what the birth was like? All he cared about was Brian and his baby surviving this ordeal they were now going through. Fuck a perfect pregnancy and birth! None of that mattered anymore. Not now that the stakes had changed so dramatically and Brian's life and their baby's life was in the balance. At the same time as Justin's focus had shifted and he had accepted that he wouldn't get the fairytale Brian had hoped for for himself and Justin, Brian only seemed to blame himself more and more for everything going on.
They had talked for a long time the night before the c-section and while Justin had tried to calm down Brian's guilt and while Justin had tried to point out again and again that none of this was Brian's fault and that Brian hadn't asked to get sick while being pregnant with their child, he also knew that Brian probably hadn't heard a word of what he had said. Yes, he had listened, but Justin knew that not much of what he had said had actually gotten through to Brian.
As much as he wished things were different, he knew that there was just too much going on at the moment to worry about that as well. Yes, Brian's state of mind worried him and it was definitely something that they would need to talk about, but it would have to wait until after the baby was born. Time just wasn't on their side at the moment and with the c-section coming up that fast and them not being able to delay it any longer, Justin knew that for the moment their focus needed to be on Brian's physical condition and on their baby.
While Brian was out and being prepared for the c-section, Justin took everything in and wondered if maybe it wasn't for the best that Brian had been given a full anaesthesia. At least that way Brian wouldn't blame himself during the whole c-section and Justin wouldn't have to look at the guilt in his partner's eyes as their baby was born.
The moment that thought ran through his mind, he immediately cursed himself and looked sadly at Brian's still form. How could he even entertain a thought like that? This was his partner and their child. Their child was about to be born and Brian would miss that moment,a moment they had both been looking forward to sharing together and all because of the fucking cancer that had invaded his body.
It wasn't fair and not for the first time Justin wondered why that cancer had to show up now. Not that he would have ever wished for Brian to be diagnosed with cancer again, but couldn't it at least have given them a happy pregnancy? Something that had been so important to both of them after everything that had happened when Brian had been pregnant with Luke. Couldn't they at least have gotten enough time to finish the pregnancy and then to move on to the shit show that their life was about to become?
Justin sighed, knowing that he was slowly going crazy and that those thoughts were driving him crazy and not helpful. As much as he would have wished for a different outcome, here they were, in an operating room, with Brian out and under a full anaesthesia while he was there, watching as the doctor's got ready to deliver their baby. A baby that would be coming into the world way too early, way too young and way too small.
Before the c-section, Brian and Justin had had an appointment with a specialist for premature babies and had been given some idea of what to expect.
They had been told that their baby would be very small, very light and would probably have to deal with several complications during the first couple of weeks of his or her life. Labored breathing or respiratory distress had been mentioned as the lungs weren't fully developed yet, a lack of reflexes for sucking and swallowing, leading to feeding difficulties as well as a higher risk for jaundice as the liver wasn't fully developed yet had been mentioned to them. On top of that they would be dealing with problems with the baby's blood as premature babies often had a very low count of red blood cells, problems with the metabolism and the immune system as well as more serious problems like heart and brain problems.
All of that had sounded very scary and intimidating and had done nothing to calm them down. They had also been told that their baby would be taken to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) right away and that they wouldn't be able to hold their baby or touch it as it would most likely be transferred to an incubator right away.
As Justin stood next to Brian's side in the operating room, holding the hand of his unconscious partner the whole time the doctors worked on him, he felt quite prepared for what was about to happen. He had made his peace with the knowledge that this would not be the birth that he and Brian had hoped and dreamed for, had accepted the reality of their situation, yet as the events started unfolding right before his eyes, he realised how inadequately he had really been prepared. He had not been ready for what unfolded before his eyes once the doctor's had opened Brian up and had pulled out this incredibly small form that hardly looked like a baby, but more like an undeveloped life form that vaguely resembled a baby.
He watched from wide eyes as their baby was immediately handed over to the team of neonatal specialists and his heart began racing as he heard them jump to action, shouting updates and orders through the room.
His head swam as he started to make sense of what the doctors were saying 'Not breathing.', 'No reaction.'
A fear he had never felt before grabbed his whole body and he felt panic take over. “What's going on? What is happening?” He heard himself ask, though it sounded like it came from far away. The voice that had asked these questions had sounded hysterical and clearly that couldn't be him, right?
He felt as a hand touched his arm and a nurse appeared in his line of vision. “Mr Taylor, we need you to stay calm. The doctor's are working on her right now and you need to give them the space to do so.”
“H-her?” Justin asked from widened eyes, somewhere in his brain realising the pronoun the nurse had used for the baby when she had spoken to him.
“Yes, her. It's a girl, Mr Taylor. And right now you need to give the doctors time to give her the help she needs.”
He nodded dumbly, not sure he was really processing what was going on around him. A girl. He and Brian had a daughter. Their baby was a daughter. Oh God. And now a whole team of doctors was surrounding the table she was lying on and working on her because she wasn't breathing. And Justin couldn't see her any longer and all he wanted was to see her, to hold her and to make sure she was okay and he knew that she wasn't. He had been prepared for it, but now that the doctors were working on her, getting her to breathe, he knew how not okay his daughter was and all he wanted to do was push all those doctors aside and hold her and comfort her. God, she had to be so scared.
“Mr Taylor, we're closing up Mr Kinney and will be finished in a couple of minutes. Why don't you wait outside?” The nurse spoke to him again and Justin could just look at her before he shook his head.
“No, I am not leaving her.”
When he saw that the nurse was about to protest, he squared his shoulders, feeling a new strength move through his body. His daughter needed him. He would not leave her alone, not under any circumstances. This was his child and she was having problems and the last thing he would do would be to leave her alone.
“I am not leaving her,” he repeated, his voice feeling and sounding a lot stronger the second time he said it.
For the moment the nurse seemed to accept his answer and just turned away, returning to the doctor that was still working on Brian.
Justin felt a twinge of guilt because he had not given Brian any attention at all since the doctors had taken away his daughter, but deep down he knew that Brian wouldn't have expected anything less from him. And Brian was unconscious anyway, so it wasn't like he knew.
His eyes never leaving the small table that was still surrounded by way too many people as far as Justin was concerned, Justin began to feel his heart calm down when he saw how the stress and the action at the table seemed to slow down and everyone seemed to relax some more doing whatever they were doing.
He wasn't quite sure what was happening or what the doctors were doing to his daughter, but he figured that it was a good sign when everyone calmed down and continued working at a slower pace.
Watching the table for a couple of more minutes, wondering what was going on and hoping for an update, Justin frowned when he saw another nurse come over.
“Mr Taylor? Mr Kinney is ready to be transferred to the recovery room.”
Justin just nodded, giving Brian's hand in his a squeeze for good measure.
“Is he okay?”
“Yes, he's fine. He did very well and should be waking up in about an hour or two.”
Justin nodded once more, then focused on the nurse again when he realised that she was still speaking to him.
“The doctors have also stabilized your daughter and she will be transferred to the neonatal intensive care unit.”
“She's okay?” He asked, releasing a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding.
“She has been stabilized and one of her doctors will be with you shortly to give you an update. Why don't you let me lead you to the recovery room, so you can wait there for Mr Kinney to wake up?”
Justin was about to protest, but saw on her face that a protest would have been futile. And really, he knew that he should just do as he was told. These doctors and nurses knew what they were doing and he was probably just keeping them from doing their job when they should be focusing on Brian and their daughter.
Shit, a daughter. Damn, he still couldn't believe that he and Brian had a daughter.
As he was being led out of the operating room by the nurse, he threw one last glance at the baby on the table, still surrounded by doctors and nurses. He couldn't see much of his daughter, but he had seen a small hand with five very small fingers. So very small.
He sat in a chair outside the recovery room for what felt like hours, but was probably only a couple of minutes when he saw a doctor walk up to him.
“Mr Taylor?”
“Yes?”
“I am Dr. Smith, your daughter's neonatal specialist. We met earlier this morning in the meeting before the c-section” the doctor introduced himself, holding out his hand in greeting.
Justin stood up, shook it, nodding at him, remembering his name and face from said meeting. This doctor had told them all about the complications their daughter would be facing.
“How is she doing? Is... is she okay?”
The doctor looked at him from understanding eyes, then pointed back to the row of chairs, urging Justin to sit down again. Once Justin had done so, the doctor sat down in one of the chairs as well and turned to him.
“We got her stabilized and she is doing okay under the circumstances. As you saw earlier, she wasn't breathing on her own, which isn't all that uncommon for premature babies born that early. She has been intubated and her oxygen levels have stabilized.”
Justin listened to everything the doctor was saying, trying to take it all in. God, his poor baby. All he wanted to do was hold her and make sure she was okay and that nothing bad would happen to her.
“Can I see her?”
The doctor nodded which Justin took in in relief. At least something.
“Mr Taylor, I need you to be aware of some things though before I take you to see her. She is very small and light. She was 1.5 pounds and 13.1 inches. Due to her being born that prematurely, as mentioned before, we had to intubate her and as her reflexes aren't fully functioning yet, she is being fed through an IV drip. We have to measure her heart and brain activity and... there is no easy way of saying this, but there will be a lot of cables and machines. She might not look like what you imagine her to look like,” the doctor said in a quiet voice.
Justin's eyes widened when he heard the measurements. 1.5 pounds? God, that was almost nothing. And 13.1 inches? That was so small. So fucking small. Jeez. He took a deep breath, ran his hand through his hair, before he nodded, showing the doctor that he had understood what had been said to him.
As the doctor led him to the neonatal intensive care unit, all Justin could think about was how small and light their baby was. Fuck! That was almost nothing. How was a small human being like that ever supposed to grow up healthily? His poor baby. She would have deserved a much better and easier start in life.
When they walked up to the door of the neonatal intensive care unit, the doctor handed Justin a medical gown, and some gloves, urging him to put them on.
Justin did as he was told, then followed the doctor into a room that housed several incubators. Justin saw some parents standing around some of them, but his eyes were immediately drawn to the one incubator that didn't have anyone standing around. As they walked closer, Justin took in the small being lying in that incubator and tears sprang to his eyes when he saw his daughter for the first time.
The doctor had tried to prepare him for what he was about to see, but no words could prepare Justin for the reality of seeing his baby in the incubator, so small and fragile, her legs smaller than one of his fingers. He gasped when he saw the intubation tube coming out of her mouth, saw the other cables and IV drips sticking out of her small body, saw the bandages around her head, covering her eyes. God, his poor, little baby. What had she done to deserve this?
“Mr Taylor, are you alright?” The doctor asked, his voice gentle and comforting. He had been in this situation many times before and he knew how shocked parents were the first time they saw their premature babies. Especially if they were as premature as this little girl was.
“She's...she's so small,” Justin whispered, not daring to look away from his daughter in the incubator. “Oh God...”
“Yes, she is, but let me assure you, she is a fighter. Her vitals have stabilized and she is doing very well,” he said, trying to sound as positive as he could, wanting to calm down the man at his side.
“Why... why are her eyes covered?” Justin asked, forcing himself to pull himself together and to be strong. She needed him to be strong, she needed him to be there for her.
“Her eyes haven't developed enough yet to be able to deal with the light in this room. This is for the protection of her eyes, so we won't do more harm than good. Under the covers the eyes can continue to develop without outer influences,” the doctor explained calmly.
Justin nodded, raising his hand to the side of the incubator, touching it gently. “Hey sweetie,” he whispered, as his hand rested outside the glass. “I am your Papa and... I just want you to know that your Daddy and I love you very much,” Justin said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper. He didn't care if the doctor heard him, if he thought that Justin was ridiculous or whatever. This was his daughter, his baby and he wanted her to know that she was loved.
The doctor bid him farewell for the time being and left Justin on his own as he continued to watch his baby girl in the incubator. He stayed with her for another 30 minutes, whispering sweet nothings to her, encouraging her to fight, promising her that he would fight with her and would always love her and be there for her, before a nurse appeared at his side and informed him that Brian was waking up.
Justin thanked her for letting him know and then made his way back to the recovery room, so he could be at Brian's side as he woke up. He hadn't wanted to leave his daughter's side, but the nurse had assured him that she would be fine and well looked after while he returned to Brian's side.
As Justin entered the recovery room that Brian was in, he wondered how much he should tell Brian about their daughter's condition. Would Brian be in any condition to deal with the harsh truth? Justin really wasn't sure and an inner war raged on in his mind as he entered the room, making his way to Brian's bed where Brian was twisting and turning, clearly being close to waking up.
Here is an idea what their sweet baby girl might look like:
