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Thanks to everyone who has commented - I really appreciate it :) 

 

Chapter 22

 

Once Brian's treatment had been finished, they headed back home. On the ride home, Justin tried bringing up their run in with Michael, but Brian had just shaken his head and in the end Justin had decided to let it go. It was obvious that Brian wasn't ready to talk about that encounter yet, so Justin decided to give him some more time to come to terms with what had happened at the hospital. He just hoped that Brian wouldn't just hide behind his walls, but would actually talk to Justin.

 

For the first couple of hours after the treatment Brian had been doing pretty okay, before the first side effects of the chemotherapy had started. Late in the afternoon, Brian had started to feel nauseous and his stomach had started to feel queasy.

 

He still knew from his radiation therapy that those side effects would become a part of life for him once again and they had been prepared by his doctors for all kinds of other side effects they would have to look out for during his chemotherapy cycle.

 

Justin had prepared some tea to help calm Brian's stomach and had helped him into bed once he had started feeling bad.

 

Thankfully the boys had left earlier to spend a night with their Auntie Em and Uncle Drew, so Justin hoped that they wouldn't have to witness the worst side effects their father would suffer from.

He knew that they wouldn't be able to hide the side effects from them forever, but he hoped that at least this way he and Brian would get a chance to see what they were dealing with before having to deal with the boys and their worry on top of everything else.

 

They had prepared the boys and had explained to them how the chemotherapy would make Brian feel sick and how there would be side effects, but as was normal, especially with children, it was one thing to hear about something and another thing to see it.

 

As the day had turned into evening and the side effects had gotten worse, Brian and Justin had moved into the bathroom where Brian had emptied his stomach several times. The worse he got, the worse his mood got.

 

Brian had never been an easy patient, but thankfully, Justin had been with Brian when he had gone through his radiation the first time he had cancer and he knew that Brian wasn't a good patient. He knew how Brian hated feeling vulnerable and how Brian didn't like looking weak in front of anyone, even Justin and more than anything Justin knew that Brian felt guilty for making Justin go through this all over again. Not that Justin minded. Not one bit. He would be damned if he couldn't be at Brian's side through all this. It was where he wanted to be and it was where he needed to be. At his partner's side.

 

“Here,” he said gently, as he laid a cold wet cloth on Brian's forehead once the first bout of vomiting seemed to be over.

 

Brian was resting in front of their toilet bowl, totally drained. While he had been vomiting, he hadn't been able to wear his oxygen mask and the lack of additional oxygen had worn him out on top of everything else. He looked absolutely drained and was resting his arms on the toilet seat, his chin resting on his arms.

 

“You don't have to do that,” he muttered angrily, yet leaning into the touch of the cold wet cloth.

 

“I want to,” Justin said quietly, keeping the cloth in place. After Brian hadn't vomited and heaved for several minutes, Justin leaned over and moved to get the oxygen mask which had fallen to the side next to Brian. He carefully moved around his exhausted partner and carefully put the mask back in place.

 

Just as he was about to place the mask on Brian's face, Brian slapped his hand away.

 

“I can fucking do that myself.”

 

Justin knew that Brian was lashing out because he hated for Justin to see him like this and he knew better than to raise to the bait. He didn't want to fight with Brian in his condition, so he just stayed calm, but stood his ground.

 

“I know you can, but you don't have to.”

 

Brian just glared at him and took the mask from him, putting it in place himself, taking several deep breaths, before he closed his eyes with a sigh.

 

“Do you feel like going back to the bedroom?” Justin asked after several minutes, minutes in which he had just watched his exhausted partner and his heart had broken for Brian having to go through this. He wished there was something he could do to make it all better, but he knew that he couldn't. They had been given some prescriptions that Brian had taken earlier, medicine that was supposed to help against the worst of the nausea and vomiting and diarrhea. They had also been given pain medication against nerve or muscle pain that might show up as a side effect. Brian had dutifully taken all those prescriptions earlier, but so far they didn't seem to be doing much good by the looks of it. He had still spent the last two hours alternating between vomiting and diarrhea, hardly leaving the toilet at all.

 

Justin was relieved when he saw Brian nod. He reached out for the older man, but stopped when Brian held up his hands, urging him not to touch him.

 

“Brian,” Justin said in an exasperated voice. “Don't be an idiot. Let me help you.”


He reached out once more, but Brian just shook his head again, turning his gaze to Justin. “Don't. Hurts.”

 

“Oh,” was all Justin could say to that, before he nodded and watched as Brian slowly got up from where he had been sitting in front of the toilet. They had been told about nerve and muscle pain, but Justin hadn't known that a simple touch would already hurt.

 

He watched as Brian slowly made his way back to their bedroom, always staying close behind him, ready to help him if it was needed.

 

Brian made his way to their bed and then collapsed on it. He carefully lay down, moaning quietly as he tried to get into a comfortable position, then opened his eyes to look at Justin's worried ones that had followed every move.

 

“Feels like my fucking skin is burning,” he said in quiet explanation and Justin could only nod.

 

“You want me to get you some of the pain killers?” He asked quietly as he sat down on his side of the bed, being careful not to touch Brian. He didn't want to cause him any more pain or discomfort than he was already experiencing.

 

Brian just nodded and watched as Justin immediately left his side to get them.

 

Once his partner was back, Brian carefully took a sip of water and then swallowed the pills. “Hope they will stay inside long enough to actually work,” he muttered before he closed his eyes.

 

Justin could see how utterly exhausted Brian looked and it had only been the first day of treatments. He wondered how much more there was to come.

 

“Try to get some sleep, you look exhausted,” Justin said gently, looking at Brian from worried eyes. “I'll get you some soup for when you wake up.”

 

“Debbie's chicken soup?” Brian asked and Justin was glad to see the slight smirk on his partner's face. He couldn't help but smile himself.

 

“You bet.”

 

“Let me guess, you'll kick my ass if I don't eat it?”

 

“Seemed to have done the trick the first time,” Justin said, a smile on his face and in his voice.

 

“Yeah, it did,” Brian replied, his eyes now open and gentle as they searched for Justin's. Once their gazes met, they looked at each other for the longest time. “I am sorry,” Brian said quietly.

 

“What for?” Justin asked, not quite sure he knew what Brian was apologising for.


“For being an ass earlier,” he said quietly, nodding in the direction of the bathroom.

 

“You're allowed to be under the circumstances,” Justin offered with a small smile.

 

“No, you shouldn't have to take my shit on top of everything else.”

 

“Brian, stop. I know this isn't easy for you. I know how you hate this and... I hate it too and more than anything I hate that you have to go through this, but... you don't have to go through it alone. I am here. All the way. Let me help. I... I need to help,” Justin ended quietly and something in his voice had gotten right to Brian's heart.

 

Something about the way Justin had said that he needed to help. With a start Brian realised that Justin really needed to do this. Justin needed to be there for him and needed to be allowed to help. As much as Brian hated if somebody helped him and saw him weak and vulnerable, he knew that Justin hated it even more if he was helplessly standing by and couldn't do anything. Justin much like himself needed to do something and needed to be able to help the ones he loved. And he loved Brian, of that there was no question.


Brian felt ashamed when he realised how much more of an asshole that made him seeing how he had brushed off Justin's help earlier and he felt even worse now.

 

As if sensing the thoughts running through Brian's head, Justin carefully leaned over, leaving a featherlight kiss on Brian's forehead, not wanting to hurt his partner who was already in pain without being touched.

 

“I love you,” he said sincerely.


Brian nodded, hoping that Justin could hear the sincerity in his own voice when he spoke. “I love you, too.”

 

“You better,” Justin joked, before he pulled back.

 

“More than anything,” Brian whispered and Justin smiled at him.

 

“Right answer, Mr Kinney.” Then he got up from his place at Brian's side and stood next to the bed. “I'll get some soup started. Call if you need me, okay?”

 

Brian nodded, before closing his eyes once more, trying to get some sleep.

 

The next two days pretty much went on the same. There were some hours when Brian was able to get some rest and sleep, but more often than not that sleep was interrupted by new bouts of vomiting and diarrhea. One time Brian had woken up because his skin had felt as if it had been pulled from his body layer by layer and no matter what he had done, he just hadn't been able to find a position in which he could rest without hurting. Not knowing what else to do, in the end Justin had helped him move into the bathroom where he had tried lying down on the cold bathroom tiles. At least the cold tiles were soothing the pain somehow.

 

Justin had tried to feed Brian some soup, but Brian had hardly been able to eat or keep anything down. It had been quite a feat to keep him hydrated, but they had done their best to make Brian drink as much as was possible.

 

Thankfully after the second day, the side effects seemed to get less and Brian was slowly starting to feel normal again.

 

He had not vomited in 12 hours and had been able to sleep for several hours on end. His skin didn't feel like it was on fire any longer and he was able to just lie in his bed and try to get some sleep.

 

For the first time in two days Justin felt like Brian was well enough to be left alone for some time, so Justin made his way back to the hospital to see Victoria. It had broken his heart that he hadn't been able to go and see her in two days, but Brian had needed him at home and thankfully his mother and everyone else in their family had offered to spend time with her in NICU, making sure that she wasn't alone and that she had loved ones around.

Justin really didn't know what he would do without his family and all the support they were giving him and his family.

 

Gus and Luke had been shocked to see how sick their father had been and it had worried both boys to see Brian that weak and in pain, even though Brian had tried his best to put on a mask and to pretend that everything was okay when the boys were with him.

 

Both of them had cried themselves to sleep that second day, having noticed how sick their father had been. Justin had tried to explain to them about the side effects of the chemotherapy, had tried to explain what had happened in their father's body, but as expected seeing it and hearing about it were two different things.

 

Brian and Justin tried to include the boys as much as possible, not wanting to lie to them or wanting to keep anything from them. They felt like it was important for them to know about the seriousness of the situation, but at the same time they tried to sound as encouraging as they could.

 

Justin made sure to try to calm all their fears and answer all their questions, but in the end the only thing that had really helped them had been to see Brian slowly getting better two days after his first treatment.

 

Luke and Gus stayed with him in the master bedroom, sitting on the big bed by Brian's side as he was resting, reading stories to him, watching TV with him or just telling him about their days. It was a different dynamic than they usually had. Usually Brian would be found playing soccer or swimming in the pool with the boys, but it seemed as if the boys had quickly adapted and had accepted that that wouldn't be possible for the time being and had just found new ways to spend time with their father.

 

Time that Justin knew was important to Brian as well, even though he knew that Brian was hurting because he felt like he was at fault for putting his family through all of this.

 

Justin could see the guilt and pain in Brian's eyes every time they settled on his exhausted eyes, but for the moment there wasn't much they could do about it. They would just have to hold on for dear life and make it through this in one piece before things could return to what they considered normal.

 

Thankfully Brian only had treatments scheduled once a week for 12 weeks, so he would have a couple of days of respite before his next treatment. Justin was glad for it, feeling like Brian needed that break to recharge physically just as much as mentally.

 

On the third night, Justin crawled into bed after he had made sure that both boys were asleep and carefully cuddled close to his partner, resting his head on Brian's shoulder.


“This okay?” he asked, still worried about hurting Brian in any way or form.

 

“It's nice,” Brian nodded, pulling Justin closer.

 

Justin wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject he needed to, but in the end he knew that he had to anyway. Brian deserved to know the truth.

 

“I spoke to Carl yesterday. About Michael,” he said, getting directly to the point.

 

He felt Brian stiffen beneath him and looked up at the man's face, trying to gauge his reaction.

 

“What for?”


“I told him what had happened at the hospital and... I asked him to just follow up.”

 

“Why?”

 

“For starters because I don't trust Michael,” Justin began, but was stopped by Brian.

 

“The hospital said they would deal with it,” Brian said, sounding incredibly exhausted.

 

“I know.”

 

“Then let them deal with it.”

 

“That's it?” Justin asked, not able to believe that there wasn't more coming from Brian.

 

“That's it,” Brian said with finality in his voice.

 

“You're not worried?” Justin asked incredulously.

 

“Worried about what? We have the restraining orders, the lawyer sent them to the hospital, they said he wouldn't be there any longer. End of story.”

 

“Brian...,” Justin sighed. “We haven't talked about seeing him.”

 

“There is nothing to talk about,” Brian said, but Justin had heard something in his voice. Something that shouldn't have been there.


“I know it hurt you to see him. Maybe... maybe we should talk about it,” Justin offered.

 

Brian sighed, before he carefully turned onto his side, his face now only inches away from Justin's. Justin saw the pain in those expressive hazel eyes and cursed himself for even bringing up the topic of Michael.

 

“Not now,” Brian said in a pleading tone. “Not... with everything else going on. I... I just can't deal with him now on top of everything else. I... can't,” Brian ended, his voice breaking on the last word.

 

Justin knew how much it had taken Brian to admit that and he knew how much Brian was hurting and he cursed himself for even bringing up Michael at all.

 

He reached out his hand and ran it through Brian's hair. “Okay.”

 

“I just... I don't want to waste any time or energy on him when... there is so much else going on right now,” Brian tried to explain some more and Justin could only nod. It made sense.

 

“It's okay. Don't worry about it. I am sorry for bringing it up.”

 

“Don't be sorry. I know you're just trying to help,” Brian said with a small smile, resting his hand on Justin's cheek. “I just can't. Not right now.”

 

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right. Brian was undergoing chemotherapy for his lung cancer, he had had two big surgeries in the last three weeks and was now fighting for his life to conquer the cancer in his body. As if that wasn't enough, they had Vicky to worry about, who was still in NICU, fighting for her life, fighting to get stronger day by day, little by little. On top of all that, they also still had their two sons that needed them as well and Justin knew that even though Cynthia and Ted were taking care of Kinnetik, Brian still worried about his business as well. How could he not? It was his company, his baby. All of that was way too much to deal with for a single person and Justin knew that Brian just didn't have any strength left after all of that to worry about Michael as well.

 

He vowed to make sure that Michael wouldn't become another worry on top of everything else. When he had spoken to Carl, Carl had promised to fill in Debbie, both him and Justin knowing that it wasn't fair to keep this encounter from her. He had promised Justin that he would give her all the details and he had also promised Justin that he would follow up with Michael's parole officer. Even though the police hadn't been involved this time and Michael had just gotten away with being reassigned to a new location by the cleaning company he worked for, it wouldn't harm to give a gentle reminder that violating the restraining orders would just end with him back in prison and that he was walking a dangerously thin line.

 

Unbeknownst to Justin, Carl had vowed to himself that Michael would not become a problem again. Not for Brian and Justin whom he loved like his own sons, not for Gus and Luke and Victoria whom he loved like his grandchildren and not for Debbie, the woman who had been through so much because of everything her son had caused.

 

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