Chapter 24

“Brian, honey? We need to talk,” Debbie said, glancing at the man who was lying on the sofa in the living-room, obviously just having woken up from a nap a short time ago.

Brian looked back at her and frowned when he saw her serious expression. He frowned even more when he saw Jennifer right at Debbie's side, wearing an equally serious expression.

“What's going on?” He asked, still feeling tired and exhausted, despite the nap he'd just had. Thankfully his latest chemo treatment had already been four days ago, so the nausea and vomiting had passed, but he still felt so incredibly tired all the time. Tired enough to make him fall asleep several times a day even though he was doing absolutely nothing.

“Can you sit up?” Jennifer asked, her expression still serious. “As Debbie said, we need to talk.”

“Did something happen?” Brian asked, worry immediately creeping into his voice as he slowly sat up. “Is it Vicky?”

“It is about Vicky, but not what you think. Calm down, she's alright,” Debbie said quietly, immediately recognising the worry in Brian's voice for what it was.

Once Brian had sat up, he looked from Debbie to Jennifer and watched as both women sat down on the sofa across from him and eyed him with still serious expressions. He didn't like this one bit.

“Okay, what's going on? What's with this grandmother inquisition?” He asked, having a feeling that both grandmothers were somehow ganging up on him. Why else would they both be there and needed to talk to him? Why else would they both be so serious and wouldn't even have a gentle look or smile for him? Something was going on and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

“We know that you have a lot on your plate right now,” Debbie started, her voice sounding more loving now that she was addressing him directly.

“You think?” Brian asked sarcastically, wondering what this was about.

Debbie didn't let his sarcasm stop her and just went on unperturbedly. “What with the surgery, the chemo, taking care of the boys and everything. Not to even mention Michael in all of this,” she sighed, reaching out her hand and taking his and squeezing it. Carl had told her about Brian's and Justin's run in with Michael at the chemotherapy centre. Even though neither men had mentioned that run in to her, she knew Brian well enough to know that it would bother him and would be on his mind even now.

“I am fine,” Brian spat, putting his mask in place, not willing to show either woman how he was really feeling. How exhausted he was by everything, how scared he was of not winning this fight, how sick and tired he was of being sick and not being up to his usual form, how worried he was for his sons and daughter and Justin and everything he was putting them through. They didn't need to know all of that. It was enough that these constant thoughts were plaguing his mind and were bothering him and to some extent Justin, as much as he was aware of what was going on in Brian's mind. There was no reason to get the grandmothers involved as well, getting them to make him talk about his feelings as well. He was grateful for their support and their help with the boys and Vicky, but that was it. He didn't need their support and he was doing just fine on his own. Or so he wanted to make them believe.

“You're not,” Jennifer said quietly, her eyes filled with concern for him and his well-being. “And how could you be with everything that's going on? We know you're not.”

“I am fine,” Brian just repeated, looking from one woman to the other. “Is that it? Are we done now?” He asked as he got up, ready to flee the room for somewhere where he would be on his own and they wouldn't annoy him, trying to make him talk about something he didn't want to talk about.

“No, we're not done,” Jennifer said, her voice sounding slightly angry now.

“Sit your ass down,” Debbie added, sounding equally frustrated with him. “I said, sit down!” She repeated, when Brian made no move to listen.

“Look, whatever this was supposed to be, let's not do this again,” Brian muttered, making his way out of the room. Just as he had reached the doorway to the hallway, he heard Jennifer's quiet voice and her question made him stop in his tracks.

“Why haven't you been to see your daughter yet?”

Brian turned around, angrily glaring at Justin's mother. “Excuse me?”

“Brian,” Debbie started, trying to defuse the situation and to calm him down. “Please, sit down.”

“Why?” He asked, glaring at her as well, not liking how she had teamed up with Jennifer to gang up on him.

“Because we want an answer and... I think it's better if we talk about this calmly.”

“This?” Brian asked, feeling anger flare up once more. “This? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You two ganging up on me now? And for what? Something you have known all along? In case you haven't noticed, I am going through fucking chemotherapy right now. There you have your answer. Happy now?” He spat, glaring at both women, daring them to say more.

Jennifer kept staring at him, holding his gaze without flinching or blinking. “Let's cut the bullshit, Brian. We all know that's not the reason.”

“You know nothing,” Brian replied, feeling incredibly tired of this conversation already, even though it had hardly started.

“Why don't we talk about this calmly?” Debbie suggested once more, looking at Brian from pleading eyes. “Just sit down, honey.”

“There is nothing to talk about,” Brian said, ready to turn around once more and leave the room.

“Justin hasn't figured it out yet. And with everything going on... I am not surprised. He's got so much going on. He's running himself ragged trying to take care of everyone and everything. But... just because he hasn't figured it out, doesn't mean that we haven't either,” Jennifer said calmly.

Brian turned around, glaring at the blond woman that he had come to regard as a second mother in recent years. “And what is it that you think you have figured out, Mother Taylor?”

“We know why you haven't been to see Vicky yet,” Debbie stated calmly, watching Brian from worried eyes.

“Yes, I told you. I am going through a fucking chemotherapy right now.”

“Brian, don't lie to us and more importantly, don't lie to yourself,” Jennifer said, watching him closely as he eyed her and Debbie. “This has nothing to do with the chemotherapy.”

“Okay, Mother Taylor. Then why don't you enlighten me as to what this is really about? In your opinion?”

“Brian,” Debbie sighed, trying once more to defuse the situation. “Lets talk about this calmly.”

“There is nothing to talk about. So either get out what you want to say or leave me the fuck alone.”

“Guilt.”

It was one word, it had been stated quietly and without any emotion. But there it was. Out in the open.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Brian said, but now it sounded weak even to his own ears. He leaned against the doorframe, trying to get some strength from there, not sure why that one word had felt like an invisible punch to his gut and why that one word affected him so much.

Brian watched as Jennifer got up and walked over to him, looking at him from worried eyes. She reached out a hand and rested it on his shoulder, squeezing in support.

“You are blaming yourself for what she's going through, but Brian, none of this is your fault.”

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he said, sounding weaker by the second. Damn, when had it become that easy for people to read him? When had he become an open book to everyone? Bad enough that Justin could read him on the best of days, but Debbie and Jennifer as well?

“We've been through this before, honey. Lets not do this again. Don't do this again to yourself,” Debbie said quietly and Brian wondered when she had come over as well. Why were both women now standing so close to him?

He just hugged himself, trying to put up the walls and the mask on his face, not feeling like discussing this with Debbie and Jennifer. “It's none of your business,” he spat, hoping that they would leave him alone and would let it rest. This was none of their concern.

“That's where you are wrong,” Jennifer replied calmly and Brian frowned. Damn, had he said that aloud? Fuck!

“It is our concern. It is my concern. My son is running himself into exhaustion, Brian. He's trying to do everyone right and he's not taking care of himself. Have you looked at him? Have you really looked at him recently?” Jennifer asked and Brian could easily hear the pain and worry in her voice.

He knew what she was talking about. He had seen the rings under Justin's eyes. He had seen that Justin was beyond exhausted at times and how could he not be? He was basically taking care of the boys, of Brian, of their daughter. He was running their whole lives right now while having to deal with his own emotions. Brian knew that Justin was worried about him, his health and most of all about losing him. Brian knew that Justin was scared beyond anything for the wellbeing of their children, most of all Vicky's. He knew all of that, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do to get him to take a break.

“I tried to get him to take a break. He won't listen,” he said weakly, not looking at either woman.

“No, he won't,” Jennifer said, her voice surprisingly gentle. “So you make him!”

“How?” Brian asked, looking up from confused eyes. “He's not listening to me!”

“Make him by sharing his burden,” Debbie said, looking at him from sad eyes. “Do your part.”

“My part? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I know that this is hard, Brian. I know that you have so much going on yourself, but... go and see Victoria,” Debbie said quietly, yet her voice was more serious than Brian had heard it in a long time.

“I can't! I am going through,” he started, but was interrupted by her right away.

“Chemotherapy,” she sighed. “Yeah, we know. You've said so before.”

“It's the fucking truth. What the fuck is wrong with you? You were here two days ago. You saw me vomiting and in pain.”

“Yes, yes, I did, honey,” she said sadly, reaching out a hand to run through his hair. “I did and I wish I didn't have to.”

“Brian, no one is saying that you're not going through a lot right now, but... we both know you and if Justin weren't so busy and exhausted right now, he would see it as well, because he knows you as well. Nothing, not even a chemotherapy would keep Brian Kinney away from his children!” Jennifer said seriously.

“Honey,” Debbie added, her voice quiet and calm. “We know that you blame yourself for what Vicky is going through. We know that you blame yourself for what Justin and the boys are going through. We have known you long enough to know how your mind works, but... this is nothing to blame yourself for. Did you want to get sick? Did you ask to get cancer while you were pregnant? Did you ask to have your daughter born at 26 weeks instead of having her born at the end of the pregnancy?”

Brian stayed quiet, not saying anything. He wasn't looking at the women either and just pulled his arms tighter around himself as if to hug himself. He was desperately trying to keep his emotions together and not to let them win.

“This is not your fault, Brian. You didn't ask for any of this and none of what is happening right now is of your doing,” Debbie added quietly.

“I should have just left,” he said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper and at first Jennifer and Debbie weren't sure if he had said anything at all.

“What?” Jennifer asked, not sure if she had heard correctly.

“When... when I first found out. I... I wanted to leave. Somewhere far away, so... so Justin and the boys wouldn't ever have to deal with any of this shit,” he said helplessly, cursing himself when he felt the emotions win against the walls he had tried to erect and pulling them down one by one. He cursed when he felt the first tears in his eyes.

“And then?” Debbie asked, eying him closely. “What good would that have done them?”

“They wouldn't have had to deal with any of this,” Brian cried helplessly. “They wouldn't have had to see me like this. Justin wouldn't have had to worry about me and Vicky and the boys... it would have been easier on everyone...”

Debbie just shook her head. “For someone so incredibly smart, you are a damn fool sometimes.”

Brian glared at her, but didn't reply.

“What good do you think that would have done them?”

“They wouldn't have to worry about me now.”

“No, instead they would have to wonder why you didn't love them enough to stick around. Why you would abandon them? Why they weren't enough to make you stay in their lives...,” Jennifer replied, feeling anger rise inside of her.

“They would have moved on,” Brian replied helplessly.

“If you think that, you have no idea how much Justin and the boys love you,” she replied seriously, looking directly at the man in front of her.

“Well, I didn't leave, so no point discussing what if's, right?” Brian shot back, glaring at the blond woman.

“Why didn't you?” Debbie asked, looking at the man across from her from worried, caring eyes. She knew why, but she wanted him to admit it.

When he stayed quiet and didn't reply, she repeated her question. “Why, Brian?”

He just shrugged, avoiding looking at her.

“Because you love them. Just as much as they love you,” she supplied, not surprised when he didn't contradict her and just stayed quiet.

She reached out a hand and caressed his cheek, gently wiping away his tears. “And you love Victoria as well.”

“Of course, I do! She's my daughter.”

“Then go and see her. Right now your daughter needs you,” Debbie said seriously, never stopping to caress his cheek. “Your daughter is fighting for her life and she needs you, Brian. Don't abandon her now.”

“I am not abandoning her,” he replied weakly, more tears leaving his eyes. “There's nothing I can do for her.”

Debbie smiled to herself, despite the seriousness of the situation. “Yeah, I've heard that one before. And guess what. Turns out that didn't keep you away from Sunshine either, huh?”

Brian's eyes shot up in surprise and met Debbie's gentle eyes. “Yeah, I know,” she admitted which immediately made Brian turn to Jennifer and eye her in silent accusation.

She held his gaze, her voice quiet when she spoke. “While you had your surgery to remove the tumour, we got talking and... I thought he knew. I thought you had told him. I didn't think it was a secret.”

Brian felt angry, ready to lash out at Jennifer for telling Justin about this, but knew that he had no right to. She was right. It wasn't a secret and he probably should have told Justin a long time ago. It had just never felt like the right time and really, what did it matter? It had all happened so many years ago and so much other stuff had happened since then. Did it really matter? Probably not, he mused, or else Justin would have brought it up by now and he hadn't either.

“That's different,” he said weakly, after staying quiet for the longest time.

“Is it?” Jennifer asked. “From what I can see, both times you were feeling guilty for something that was not your fault and chose to stay away when you would have been needed.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “Really? That's rich coming from you. I didn't hear you complain back in the day when I stayed away. Quite on the contrary. I remember a conversation where you asked me to leave him alone and stay away. I thought you would have been happy about that,” he replied angrily.

To Jennifer's credit, she held his gaze and nodded. “Yeah, I was. At the time. But I was wrong. I know that now. I didn't know you back then and I didn't know how much you loved Justin. I know better now,” she said seriously. “I know you now. And I don't want you to make that same mistake again.”

“Jennifer is right, Brian. You can't make that same mistake again. Your daughter needs you. She needs you by her side just as Justin needs you. He can't do this alone. Honey, I know we're asking a lot. I know you're going through a lot right now, but... your daughter needs you! Your partner needs you! Your sons need you! You didn't just leave them because you love them. It's the reason you stayed and took on this incredibly hard fight. So show them. Show them that you love them and be there. Be a part of their life. Don't pull away from them when they need you in their lives. Show them that you are still here. You are still a part of this family! Despite whatever shit life is throwing at you. You are a family and you can do this together.”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, then looked at Debbie from scared eyes. “I am not sure I can.”

“Of course you can, honey. You are the strongest man I have ever seen. And you have all of us to support you. Let us help when it gets too much. When life gets too hard, let us step up and support you.”

“You all have your own lives and own shit to deal with.”

“So what? Taking care of someone else makes for a nice change from our own shit,” Debbie said with a smile on her face, pulling Brian closer, taking the man into one of her well known bear hugs. “We love you, honey. Your family loves you. You are not alone!”

Brian allowed her to hug him and once she released him, he was pulled into another hug by Jennifer right away.

“You are a good man, Brian. A great father. It's time your daughter gets to meet you as well!” She whispered and Brian knew that she was right.

He knew that both Debbie and Jennifer were right. He knew that he should have been there weeks ago and should have seen his daughter before, but he just hadn't been strong enough to see her. After all, if it hadn't been for him getting sick, she wouldn't be fighting for her life now. No matter what anyone said, he knew it was his fault that she was in the hospital, too small, too light and attached to machines. It was his fault and he had been a coward and had been too scared to see the pain he had caused firsthand. But maybe they were right. Maybe it was time he went and saw her. Maybe they were right and maybe she needed him. Maybe he could support her and help her and could make up for his part in this rough start to life that she had had. Maybe with him being there and supporting her, he could make up for his part in all of this. Maybe it would also help to lift some of the burden on Justin's shoulders right now. The man was running himself into exhaustion taking care of everyone and everything and maybe they were right, maybe it was time that Brian got out of his slump and stopped acting like he was too sick and weak to be a part of this family. He was Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake. His family needed him and he would be damned if he wasn't there for them when they needed him.

He felt a new resolve manifest itself in his body and took a deep breath before he eyed both women warily. “Thanks for kicking my ass,” he said seriously. “I'll do better. I promise.”

“Don't let the cancer win when it hasn't,” Debbie said sincerely. “You still have a life away from it, honey.”

Brian nodded, knowing that she was right. He couldn't let his sickness take over his whole life and his family's life. Yes, of course it was a huge part of their lives, but it wasn't everything. They were still a family and they still had things to take care of that weren't connected to his cancer. The boys still had school, his daughter was still in hospital fighting for her life and needed all the support she could get and there was Justin, poor, exhausted Justin. Brian had left him alone to deal with everything which wasn't fair. Yes, he was sick and the chemotherapy was taking a huge toll on him, but to be fair, there were also days when he was mostly doing okay. Just feeling a bit tired and exhausted, but not particularly sick. At least on those days he could be a part of his family more than he had been in recent weeks. At least on those days he could make sure that the cancer hadn't won yet and that he was still there and fighting!

“Thank you,” he said sincerely, eyeing both women gratefully.

He would do better, he vowed to himself. His family deserved that. All of them, including his daughter.

Feeling the new resolve run through his body, Brian felt better than he had in weeks.

He allowed both women to hug him once more, feeling grateful for their intervention. Maybe it had just been what he had needed.