Chapter 29

“Hey,” Justin said, surprised to find Gus in his studio. He had expected his studio to be empty and hadn't expected to find his son painting. He had thought Gus was in his room.

Gus tensed, feeling caught. He knew he was not supposed to be in Justin's studio on his own without Justin. “Hey”, he replied meekly.

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked, as he walked over and looked at the painting that Gus seemed to work on. It was a vibrant mix of colours, very impressive for someone who had just turned 14 a couple of months ago. Gus was incredibly talented and Justin was impressed by his talent again and again.

Thankfully they were in a position to nurture that talent and Justin felt like the art club after school and the art classes that Gus attended were really paying off.

“Painting,” Gus muttered, before he turned to Justin. “I am sorry. I know I shouldn't be in here on my own. I didn't touch any of your things. I promise!”

Justin could see how apologetic the boy was, but he could also see that he was honest. He hadn't been in his studio in weeks, with everything going on there just hadn't been any time and apart from a few sketches of Victoria, the boys and Brian, he had barely created anything in recent weeks, yet he could see that everything was as he had left it. Gus wasn't lying, he hadn't touched anything that belonged to Justin.

Normally, Gus was not supposed to be in Justin's studio without supervision. It wasn't that Brian or Justin didn't trust Gus, he was a very honest and careful boy, but he was just a teenager and Justin's art was too valuable to have it destroyed by someone not paying attention when they were creating their own art. With a bang Justin realised how long it had been since he had last been in the studio and how long it would have been since Gus could have created something. He remembered how Gus had asked to go to the studio to create something after he had been told about Brian's cancer and he knew that the boy had most likely needed the time in the studio as an outlet for his emotions. Justin felt bad that he hadn't noticed before.

“It's okay, don't worry,” Justin immediately calmed him down, coming closer to his painting with a smile on his face, trying to show the boy that it was really okay. “How long have you been coming here on your own?”

Gus just shrugged, lowering his head which reminded Justin so much of Brian that he had to chuckle. “You look just like your father, you know? He shrugs just like that and then lowers his head just the same.”

The younger boy looked up and frowned at Justin. “Really?”

“Yeah. You two are very much alike,” Justin smiled as he stopped next to the boy. “I like this one,” he nodded at the painting. “Have you been working on it long?”

“A couple of days,” Gus admitted, turning to look at the painting as well.

“Why didn't you tell me or your Dad that you were coming to the studio?” Justin asked, his voice calm, not a hint of anger in it. Yes, Gus had broken the rules, but he really couldn't feel angry about it. It only showed him how much he had neglected his son in recent weeks and he couldn't be angry at the boy for something he had caused himself with his own behaviour.

Gus only shrugged once more, not saying anything.

“Were you scared I would be angry or say no to you coming to the studio?” Justin asked quietly, wondering if that was the case. Neither he nor Brian had ever been particularly strict with the boys. Usually they allowed them quite a bit, but if the boys broke the rules or if they misbehaved, there were punishments. So far he had always thought that he and Brian had been pretty fair when dealing out their punishments, but now he wondered if the boys thought differently and were scared of their reaction.

“No,” Gus immediately said, shaking his head. “You allowed me to come here on my own before, when you guys told us that Dad was sick.”

“Yeah and I would have again if you had asked me,” Justin replied.

“I am sorry, Papa,” Gus hung his head sadly. “I know I should have said something.”

“Why didn't you? I am not angry, Gus. I just want to understand.”

“You have enough going on. I didn't want to bother you with something as trivial as me wanting to paint,” the boy answered honestly, looking at Justin from sad eyes.

“You're never bothering me, Gus,” Justin said, feeling bad for the boy having gotten that impression.

“It just didn't seem to be important with everything else going on,” Gus shrugged. “And I was extra careful not to touch your things. I figured if you didn't know I was here, there would be nothing to worry about.”

“You are important, Gus!” Justin said seriously, throwing his arm around his son's shoulder and pulling him close. “Never think that you're not. I am sorry if you got the impression that you're not, but you are. Your Dad and I love you very much, Gus. Never doubt that.”

“I know you do,” Gus nodded, resting his head on Justin's shoulder. “It's just with Dad being sick and Vicky having that surgery... I didn't want to bother you with something like this.”

“You're never bothering me,” Justin repeated, looking at the boy at his side who was now nearly as tall as he was. Damn, when had Gus grown up like that? He was a teenager now. Only three more years and he would be the age Justin had been when he had gone and met Brian. No, he really didn't want to think about that. “I am sorry things have been so stressed and busy lately that we didn't have much time for you and Luke.”

“It's okay, we understand,” Gus said sincerely.

“I know you do, but that doesn't make it okay,” Justin said sadly. “Just promise me that you'll come to us no matter what, okay? We'll always have time for you.”

“Okay,” Gus nodded, wrapping his arms around Justin and hugging him back.

“I love you, Gus and I am sorry I didn't spend more time with you in recent weeks.”

“It's okay. Dad and Vicky needed you. I understand.”

“Wanna tell me about the painting?” Justin asked, trying to change the subject. There was no point beating himself up about not spending enough time with Gus and Luke in recent weeks. He knew that he couldn't change the past, that he couldn't make it undone, all he could do was make sure that he paid more attention to his sons now. He hoped by talking about the painting with Gus, he would make a start.

“It's just something I started after Vicky had the surgery. I started feeling sad and scared for her,” Gus said quietly, pointing to the corner where a lot of darker colours could be seen being mixed in a wild array of strokes. He then pointed to where the colours turned lighter and brighter and the strokes seemed less angry and more sensual. “But then she was doing better and Dad started doing better, so I was feeling happy about that.”

“It's beautiful, Gus,” Justin said sincerely, following the emotions on the canvas before him.

“You really think so?” Gus looked at Justin from big eyes, reminding Justin that even though he was already a teenager and 14, he was still just a boy that needed his father's approval at times.

“Yeah, it's well done. You are very talented.”

“Thanks,” Gus blushed at the praise, knowing that Justin wouldn't lie to him just to make him feel happy. Justin was an internationally recognised artist and he had always helped Gus to improve his technique and his art and if he hadn't liked something, he had always told Gus in all honesty, explaining why he didn't like it and how he thought Gus could improve his work. If Justin said he liked something, he really did and that was big praise coming from a well respected artist like him.

Apparently feeling like they had talked enough about him, Gus turned to Justin with a questioning look in his eyes. “Have you been working on anything recently?”

Justin shook his head sadly, “No, not really. This is the first time I've been in here in weeks...”

“Why not?” Gus asked, honestly interested. Justin had told him before that painting helped him work through emotions and problems and that painting gave him clarity and an outlet for his emotions. He knew that he had needed that outlet a lot in recent weeks with everything going on and he could only imagine that his father might have needed it as well.

Justin shrugged, looking at Gus with a sad smile on his face. “There's just so much going on right now. There was no time.”

“You should make time. You said that painting helps you clear your head. It helps me feel better about everything. I am sure it would help you as well,” Gus offered in all his youthful innocence.

“Yeah, I am sure it would,” Justin agreed. “It's just not always easy to find the time. For now sketching will have to do.”

“I like your sketches of Vicky,” Gus announced, pointing at the sketchbook on a table nearby. Justin had shown him and Luke the sketches he had done of their baby sister and along with the pictures his Dad had taken of her in the hospital, this was the only connection he had to his baby sister as long as he wasn't allowed to see her at the hospital.

“I am sure you will be able to see her for real soon,” Justin said quietly, knowing what Gus wasn't saying.

“I hope so. I really want to meet her,” the boy said eagerly. “When Luke was born, I got to see him right away. It's weird knowing that I have a sister and she's almost three months old and I have yet to meet her, you know?”

“Yeah,” Justin sighed. “I wish it was different, Gus. I really do.”

“Can I show you something? Something I have been sketching?”

“Of course.”

Justin watched as Gus walked away from the canvas and walked over to a small table at the side of the studio, picking up what looked like to be his sketchbook. He opened it to a specific page and then handed it to Justin.

The blond took the sketchbook and what he saw in front of him brought tears to his eyes. It was Brian, a younger, much healthier version of Brian, holding a small baby in his arms as he sat in what looked to be a rocking chair. “Is this...?” Justin asked, looking up at Gus with unshed tears in his eyes.

“It's Dad with Luke. I don't really remember what Luke looked like back then, but I remember how much I loved coming here to Britin and how much I loved seeing Dad with Luke and how much I loved helping him take care of Luke. I was never allowed to help with JR, you know, but Dad would always allow me to help with Luke.”

Justin listened as Gus spoke, unable to tear his gaze away from the sketch in front of him. Brian gently holding a little baby boy in his arms, while sitting in a rocking chair, looking absolutely serene while holding the baby.

“It's beautiful, Gus,” Justin said sincerely, wiping away a tear that had made its way down his cheek. He had always known that Brian had to have been beautiful with Luke and he had seen some pictures from back when Luke had been a baby, knowing that his assumption had been right, but seeing this sketch, seeing the emotion Gus had been able to put into it, seeing the love in Brian's eyes that was so obvious and knowing that Gus had been able to capture that at 14 years old, it took his breath away.

“Did Dad ever look like that with me?” Gus asked after a few minutes of silence between them, giving Justin the time he knew the man needed. 

Brian and Justin had never lied to Gus about the years that Justin had been away and the older Gus had gotten, the more he had heard about what had happened between his father and Justin years ago. He knew that Justin hadn't known about Luke for years and he knew that his father had lied to Justin, that his mothers had lied to Justin and that Justin hadn't known about having a son. He wasn't sure he really understood all of it or why it had happened, but he knew it had happened and even though his fathers had always tried to be honest with him, he knew that this was something his Dad didn't like talking about. Yes, he would answer if Gus asked him questions, but Gus could always feel the reluctancy in him. It wasn't like Justin liked talking about this time between them either, but over the years, Gus had found out that Justin seemed to have an easier time talking to him about their past than his Dad did. His Papa had also always told him the truth about his mothers whenever Gus had asked him questions about them and even though it was obvious that Justin didn't particularly like the conversations, he had always made sure that Gus got the answers he needed and never felt like he couldn't ask.

“Why would you ask that, Gus?” Justin asked, frowning at the boy. “Your Dad loves you just as much as he loves Luke. He always did.”

“I know that he didn't want me and that he never wanted to be a father,” Gus said quietly, not meeting Justin's gaze.

“Gus,” Justin sighed, not quite sure how to answer that. Yes, Brian had never wanted to be a father, but that had been years ago and he had changed a lot since then. “You know that I met your Dad the night you were born and the first moment he laid eyes on you, he loved you. I have never seen him look at anyone or anything with as much love as he did when he looked at you that night.”

“But my moms always said that he never wanted me,” Gus replied quietly and Justin could hear the emotion in the boy's voice.

“Gus, your moms and your Dad... they had a complicated relationship. You know that things weren't always easy between them. Your moms didn't really know your Dad the way I did back then and they couldn't really see how much he loved you from day one. It... it wasn't an easy situation and there were lots of issues between them, but I never ever doubted that your Dad loved you from the moment you were born.”

Seeing that the boy still looked doubtful, Justin decided to show him something he hadn't looked at in years. “Can you wait here for a minute? I just need to go and find something really quick. It will just be a couple of minutes.”

Gus nodded, though it was obvious that he was confused by Justin leaving now. As promised, the older man returned a couple of minutes later and was holding what looked like a sketchbook and some pictures. An old, tattered sketchbook and a handful of pictures.

“Come here, Gus,” Justin urged as he sat down on the futon in the studio, patting the space next to him. Gus slowly walked over and sat down next to Justin.

When Gus had sat down, Justin handed him an old picture. “This was the night when you were born. The first time that your Dad actually held you,” he said quietly, handing Gus the picture of him as a baby being held by Brian.

“I have never seen this before,” Gus admitted, looking at the picture in amazement.

“Here,” Justin said, as he handed Gus another picture. This time it was a picture of Brian lying on the sofa at the muncher's house, a sleeping baby Gus on his chest, holding his son gently.

“Wow,” Gus seemed absolutely amazed by the pictures Justin was showing him.

“Here,” he said as he handed Gus another one. A picture of a bare-chested Brian holding Baby Gus carefully and kissing him.

“This is actually my favourite. He looks so serene and happy to be with you,” Justin said as he handed Gus another picture of himself with his father as a baby.

“He would forget all about the world around him whenever he got a chance to spend some time with you. He would just be happy to be able to spend some time with you,” Justin said as he handed Gus the last picture of the batch. A picture of them all in the diner, Brian obviously not paying any attention to anything going on around him and just focused on the small boy in his arms.

“Where did you get these?” Gus asked, looking at the pictures in wonder.

“I took some of them, some of them were taken by others, but I loved the way your Dad looked holding you, so I asked them to make a copy for me. Whenever your Dad held you, there was so much love and gentleness in him. He loved you from the moment you were born, Gus and I know that your Dad regrets that he didn't get to spend more time with you when you were younger.”

Justin then opened the sketchbook and showed Gus a couple of sketches. Sketches he himself had done of Brian and baby Gus. Brian gently cradling Gus in his arms, holding him close and secure, kissing him, looking at him from loving eyes.

“You have kept this all those years?” Gus asked as he looked at the sketchbook in wonder.

“Yeah,” Justin blushed, lowering his eyes. “There was just something about seeing your Dad with you. I loved seeing this loving side in him.”

“I bet you must be itching to sketch Dad and Vicky together,” Gus said, looking at his father by his side.

“You have no idea,” Justin chuckled, leaning closer to his son and pulling him into a hug. “Hopefully soon,” he whispered as he held the boy close.

“I am sure it will be soon,” Gus said, looking at his Papa from hazel eyes that were so much like his father's. “She is doing so much better now, it must be soon.”

Justin nodded, hoping that Gus was right.

“Maybe we can sketch them together, huh? What do you say?” Justin offered and was glad when Gus immediately nodded eagerly. “Your sketch of your Dad and Luke is really good. I am sure you'll give me a run for my money.”

“Never,” Gus chuckled, knowing that he was nowhere near as good or talented as his Papa was.

“How about we head downstairs and see how your Dad and Luke are doing?” Justin suggested, getting up from the futon, leaving the sketchbook and pictures there in case Gus wanted to look at them some more later.

“Okay,” Gus agreed, getting up as well and following Justin out of the room.

When they reached the door to the studio, Justin stopped and turned to look at Gus from sincere eyes.

“Your Dad and I both love you, Gus. More than anything, okay? And I am sorry if we haven't shown you in recent weeks, but never doubt it. We both love you.”

Gus smiled at the older man. “I know. I love you guys, too.”

Justin nodded, a smile on his face as he left the studio, Gus following behind him. Maybe they would all be alright by the time they made it through this. He could only hope.