Chapter 8

Brian had been in the hospital for three days before he had been allowed back home. Gus and Luke had obviously been scared at seeing their daddy in the hospital, but Justin, Brian and everyone else in their family had tried to put on brave faces for the boys, making it seem as if Brian staying in the hospital was just a precaution to make sure the baby and he would be alright during his bad cough.

No one told the boys about all the tests that the hospital had run and all the results they were waiting for.

During his three day hospital stay, Brian had been x-rayed, he had had an ultrasound of his chest and in the end, despite all the risks, his doctors had ordered a CT exam, assuring both Brian and Justin that there would be no risks to their unborn baby as the CT was taking images of the chest and not the pelvis or abdomen.

Neither Brian nor Justin had really been happy with that decision, but in the end they knew that if the doctors needed a CT scan to find out what was wrong with Brian, they would have to trust them that it would be alright.

After all tests had been done, Brian and Justin had waited for the results.

As it had become clearer and clearer that Brian would have to stay longer at the hospital than just one night, Justin had reluctantly agreed to go home every night to spend time with the boys and to only return to the hospital once he had taken them to school the next morning. They wanted to keep as much normalcy as possible for the boys.

When Justin arrived at the hospital this morning after dropping the boys of at school, he was surprised to see Brian waiting for him next to the main entrance.

“Brian? What are you doing down here?”

“Waiting for you, so we can go home.”

“You've been discharged?” Justin frowned, wondering why Brian hadn't told him before. Why hadn't Brian called him to let him know?

Brian carelessly waved around some papers and only nodded.

“Lets get out of here. I hate this place.”

“Just let me get the car, I'll come around and pick you up here,” Justin offered, still feeling dumb-founded. Why had Brian been discharged? What about all the tests and the results? He voiced that thought and received a reply he hadn't expected.

“Does it matter? They discharged me and I want to get out of here. Can you please get the car? If not, I'll just fucking call a taxi myself.”

Justin frowned, not having expected this reaction from Brian.

“Brian?”

“Just let us get out of here, okay?”

“What did the doctors say? Why did they let you go?”

“Jesus fucking Christ. You just won't let it rest, will you?” Brian huffed, which still didn't sound good.

In recent days his breathing had normalised a bit and his coughing had gotten less, but it still wasn't anywhere close to normal.

And then he did something Justin would have never expected in a million years. He walked away from Justin and waved at the next taxi that waited at the taxi rank a few yards away.

“What the fuck? Brian?” Justin exclaimed as he watched after Brian.

“I'm getting out of here. I don't care what you do.” With that Brian disappeared into the taxi and Justin could only watch it drive away.

He felt dumbfounded by what had just happened and wondered what had made Brian react the way he had. This wasn't Brian. He didn't usually act like that.

Hoping to be able to catch him at home, Justin quickly made his way back to his car and drove home. He was beyond surprised when he didn't see Brian there. The house was completely empty.

Not knowing what else to do, Justin tried calling Brian's cell, but only reached voicemail. When he didn't reach him at all in the next hour, Justin decided to call Kinnetik. He knew it was a slim chance at best, he doubted Brian would head to work just a few minutes after being released from the hospital, but it was worth a try. He felt disappointed when Ted confirmed that he hadn't heard from Brian all day.

When he asked Justin if everything was alright, Justin just hung up. Something was wrong. Very wrong. He just didn't know what.

After waiting for Brian to come home for another two hours, Justin gave up calling his missing partner and tried calling the hospital. He asked to speak to the doctor that had been treating Brian, but only received the information that the doctor was out of house for the rest of the day and that Justin could call again the next day. When he asked if someone could give him information about Brian's discharge, he was informed that that wasn't possible as Mr. Kinney had asked to not give any information to his Power of Attorney.

That confused Justin even more. Why would Brian do that? They had gotten each other's Power of Attorney years ago to make sure that they would always be in a position to have access to the other and to make decisions for the other in case of sickness. Why would Brian refuse to let Justin know what the doctors had found out?

Only being able to think of one reason why, Justin sank to his knees in desperation. Whatever the doctors had found, had to be bad. And that was why Brian had reacted the way he had earlier that morning and that was why he was refusing to take Justin's calls.

Justin felt incredibly helpless and at the same time angry. He wanted to smash something and hit Brian in his arrogant face for being the fucking asshole that he was.

Hadn't they been through this before with the cancer? Hadn't Justin made it clear back then that they were partners and would deal with whatever came their way together? Why would Brian just run away and not let Justin know what was going on?

Justin honestly thought they had moved on from those times, that Brian had changed and wasn't that man anymore, but apparently he was wrong.

He drove himself crazy thinking about all the bad things the doctors could have found in his partner's body.

When it was time to pick up the boys from school, he had spent half the day calling Brian over and over again without success. He just hoped that Brian hadn't done anything stupid. He remembered how Brian had mentioned going out in a blaze of glory when he had had his testicular cancer. He remembered all about Ibiza.

What if Brian had actually gone through and done it now? Would he do something like that to Justin and the boys? Justin didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think it possible, but at the end of the day he had to admit that he didn't know what Brian would do. Brian had never been able to deal with bad news well. It had always taken a lot of hard work and effort to show Brian ways that didn't involve drinking himself into a stupor and in his current condition that wasn't an option. At least Justin hoped it wasn't.

Then he shook his head. Brian might do something drastic to himself, but he would never hurt his children. Brian would never do anything to hurt Gus, Luke or their unborn baby and that knowledge gave Justin strength. It gave him the strength to pretend to Luke and Gus that everything was alright and that Brian had just gone into the office to catch up on some work from recent days after he had been discharged.

The excuse was flimsy at best and especially Gus frowned and looked as if he didn't believe it for one second, but thankfully neither Gus nor Luke asked about it and joined Justin in pretending that everything was alright.

When he took the boys to bed, both boys knew that something was wrong. Usually Brian always came home in time for dinner. He never missed dinner and bedtime and now he hadn't even called once. Justin kept lying, holding on to his earlier lie about Brian being busy at Kinnetik and probably being so deeply engrossed in his work that he must have forgotten the time.

Thankfully, both Gus and Luke just left it at that and didn't pressure for a more detailed reply.

After both boys were in bed, he just hoped that Brian would be back soon, so he wouldn't have to lie to his sons any longer.

All evening Justin continued calling and texting Brian, but never received a reply. He ignored the texts from his friends and family asking about updates on Brian, not wanting to lie to them as well. It was bad enough that he had lied to the boys all day. He didn't want to lie to everyone else as well.

He knew that if Brian wasn't back by tomorrow, he would let everyone know. He might have to call the police. God, he really didn't want to think about that. Damn Brian and damn his queen outs. Why did he always have to overreact?

After a quick shower, Justin was ready to go to bed. He just checked that all doors were closed and the alarm was on, when he heard a car in the driveway. He opened the curtains a bit and saw a taxi.

He frowned as he made his way over to the door. Wondering who could be coming to their house this late at night, Justin opened the door and he sighed in relief when he recognised Brian's form. Brian slowly walked over to the door, not looking at Justin as he stopped a few metres away from him.

When Brian raised his head and their eyes met, Justin's world turned upside down. Brian looked like a broken man. He had been crying. Judging by his red, puffy eyes, for quite some time. His eyes looked beyond sad, heartbroken even and Justin felt a pain coming off his partner that he had never felt before.

All the anger and frustration, all the things he had wanted to yell at Brian for the way he had behaved that day, died on his lips when their eyes met. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Justin knew it immediately.

Despite everything that had happened that day, despite everything that Brian had put him through that day, Justin's love for the man standing outside his door won over and in the end instinct took over.

Justin slowly closed the distance between himself and Brian and stopped only a few inches away from his partner. “Brian?” He whispered in a scared voice, steeling himself for what he knew would be bad news.

Brian just looked at him for the longest time without saying anything, before new tears spilled from his eyes. His gaze never left Justin's when he spoke in a broken, hoarse voice. “They found a spot. On my lungs.”

And with that Justin's whole world fell apart. He knew that with Brian's history of testicular cancer and his genetic disposition, hell, his father had died of lung cancer, for Christ's sake, there was almost no way in hell this spot wasn't cancerous, that this spot didn't mean a very real threat to Brian's life.

“No,” Justin just gasped as his hands flew to his mouth. Tears spilled from his own eyes now as well and he and Brian just stood there in their driveway, neither of them saying anything, both just crying helplessly for the injustice of it all.

After several minutes, Justin forced himself to pull himself together. He needed to be strong. His family needed him to be strong. Brian needed him to be strong. Whatever would come their way, whatever would happen next, Justin knew that Brian couldn't do it on his own and needed him and needed him to be strong. And if it was the last thing Justin ever did, he would be strong for Brian.

He forced himself to take Brian into his arms and held him tightly as they both cried for the injustice of it all.

They stood like that for what felt like hours, before Justin guided them into the house. He immediately led Brian to the master bedroom, making him sit on the bed. Justin gently undressed his unmoving partner, then laid down with him, pulling the blanket over both of them as they lay cuddled together in their bed. Justin's head on Brian's chest, his hands gently stroking Brian's belly.

It was Justin who broke the silence. “Where were you all day?”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, before he spoke in a voice that was hardly above a whisper. “At the airport, the cemetery, walking aimlessly by the river.”

“Why the airport?” Justin asked quietly, though he already knew the answer. Brian had done this before.

Brian just shrugged. “You know why.”

“Why didn't you leave?” He asked quietly, willing himself to stay calm and to not let his anger at Brian's behaviour take over. Anger was the last thing Brian needed now.

“I couldn't,” and something in Brian's voice made Justin look up and made him meet Brian's eyes. “I... I couldn't do that to you and the boys. I just couldn't.”

“I am glad you stayed,” Justin said honestly, hiding his nose in Brian's neck, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely him.

“I didn't want to put you through this again... I didn't want to put them through this... I... I don't want them to see me like that...”

“Brian,” Justin said quietly. “Don't worry about that now. We'll deal with it when we know for sure. We're family. We'll figure this out together.”

“They shouldn't have to deal with this. They're too young,” Brian said as new tears spilled from his eyes.

Justin gently wiped them away as his heart broke for the man at his side.

“They will be fine. We'll make sure of it.”

Brian just closed his eyes, other than that didn't react to what Justin had said. He stayed quiet and Justin wondered if he had drifted off to sleep. He was surprised when he heard Brian's quiet voice again a few minutes later.

“I was ready to go. I was ready to just leave and then I couldn't. I just couldn't get through security. The whole time... all I could think about was Gus and Luke and how they wouldn't understand. And they shouldn't... They shouldn't have to ask themselves why their father just up and left them...”

“They know you love them,” Justin whispered, not quite sure what else to say.

“Yeah, loving them enough to put them through this shit,” Brian huffed, turning his head away from Justin's worried gaze.

“They'd rather be here by your side through whatever we're dealing with than not have you here. And so do I! I'd rather have you by my side sick and in need of my help than not have you here at all. Get it through your thick head: We love you! We love you, Brian and loving someone means that you're there through the good times and the bad times. You don't get to choose. You're in for it all. No matter what.”

“This might turn really bad,” Brian said quietly, slowly turning around again, meeting Justin's gaze.

“What did the doctor say?”

Brian shrugged. “That they don't know anything for sure yet. That it could be benign, but I could tell they didn't believe that themselves... It's cancer. I just know it is. And so do they. They just didn't have the balls to say it.”

“So what will happen now?”

“They'll do a biopsy. To see if it's benign or cancerous.”

“When?” Was all Justin asked, taking Brian's hand and squeezing it in his own.

“Day after tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded, once more resting his head on Brian's chest. “Here's the deal: We'll do this together. All the way! There will be no running away, no going off on your own. It's you and me. I don't care how bad it will get. That's what I signed up for, that's what I am here for. I don't care if you like it or not. I really don't. I love you and if this is part of loving you, then I'll gladly accept that. If you dare to shut me out again like you did today, I will kick your scrawny ass. Do you understand? We'll do this together! You and me! All the way!”

Justin never raised his head, never met Brian's eyes. Even without looking at the man, he knew what he would see in his eyes. He knew that Brian would be struggling with his emotions, would be trying to accept that someone, namely Justin, could love him that much. He knew that Brian had always felt unworthy, he knew that there would always be issues and if it was the last thing he did, he would make this man understand that he loved him and would be there until the very end. No matter when that might be or how it might come along. It would be Brian and Justin against whatever life threw at them. If Brian liked it or not. He better get used to it because Justin had no intention of ever leaving.

Hearing Brian's dry sob at his declaration, Justin just cuddled closer to the older man, holding him tight. “I love you,” he said quietly, but full of conviction.

“Thank you, Sunshine,” Brian whispered after being silent for the longest time. Justin knew that Brian had cried and Brian hated when Justin saw him emotional like that, so Justin just stayed where he was, not wanting to make the situation any more uncomfortable than it needed to be for his partner.

“I love you, too.”

A gentle smile appeared on Justin's face as he left featherlight kisses on Brian's chest.

“I know.”

And he did. He knew. If Brian didn't love him, he wouldn't have come back. He might claim he had come back for the boys, but Justin knew that Brian also couldn't leave him. He might not be able to say it to Justin's face, but Justin knew the truth of it. Brian loved him and together they would make it through this new obstacle that life had thrown their way.