Chapter 9

The next morning Justin was surprised to find the bed empty when the alarm went off. For a minute he was scared that Brian might have run off again during the night, but he relaxed when he heard small voices from the hallway. Apparently Luke was already up as well and from what Justin could hear, he was talking to Brian in the hallway.

Feeling relieved that Brian was still in the house, Justin sighed deeply, thinking about the news he had been told last night. A spot on Brian's lung. Most likely cancer. Shit!

Tears sprang to his eyes as he thought about the implications. Even though he wasn't a doctor, he knew enough to know that lung cancer was a serious, potentially fatal disease. Brian's father had died of lung cancer. Brian had dealt with cancer before, but that had been testicular cancer. A cancer that had been found pretty early and usually had a high chance of survival. Not lung cancer. Justin knew that lung cancer was one of the most fatal forms of cancer, if not the most fatal form in the US. And now Brian probably had it.

He knew he shouldn't expect the worst and should be more positive, maybe the spot was nothing serious, maybe it was benign and the doctors were wrong. Deep down, Justin knew however that he was only clutching at straws. This was bad. Really bad. And Brian knew it as well.

Why now? Justin mused as he watched the ceiling of their bedroom through his teary eyes. Why now when they were happier than they had ever been before? They had been so excited about the new baby and now... M? What about M?

Justin cursed himself as he hadn't given much thought to the baby before. So far he had only been concerned with Brian's well-being and what the news would mean for their family. But their family now also included M. What about him or her? Damn... If Brian really had lung cancer, he would most likely need chemotherapy or radiation and that wouldn't be good for the baby. He wondered if Brian had already thought about M in any of this. Cursing himself for having been that ignorant, he thought to himself that Brian probably had. How could he not? After all he was the one who was carrying their child. How could he not think about it constantly?

Willing his tears away, knowing that he would have to put on a strong front for Gus and Luke who didn't know that anything was wrong yet, Justin forced himself to get up and make his way into the ensuite bathroom. He had a quick shower, which didn't help his mood at all. It only made him cry more, when he realised that maybe there wouldn't be many more chances for having showers together with Brian. This spot...whatever it was... it could kill Brian. And then it would be just him and the boys.

That thought had totally floored Justin and had made him break down in tears for which he had cursed himself later on when he saw his red, puffy eyes in the bathroom mirror. How was he supposed to act like everything was normal when his whole world was falling apart? How was he supposed to act like nothing was wrong when he was faced with the very real possibility of losing his partner? And what if he was totally overreacting and the spot was benign and Brian would be fine? Oh God, Justin hoped that would be it, but deep down, he knew that was only a fool's hope he was clinging onto.

Once he was sure he wouldn't break out in tears again, Justin made his way down to the kitchen where he found Brian busily preparing breakfast for the boys. Luke was already dressed and drinking a glass of milk, talking a mile a minute like only he could.

Justin smiled to himself at the normalcy of that scene. “Where is Gus?” He asked as he made his way over to Brian's side, running a gentle hand up and down his partner's backside.

“Getting dressed,” Brian replied quietly, not meeting Justin's eyes. Justin could feel how tense Brian was under his touch and decided not to press on that matter. It wouldn't do to have a conversation about how Brian was doing in front of Luke. They would have to talk once the boys were in school.

Justin let go of Brian's back and moved over to where Luke was sitting, giving his son a kiss on his blond head. It was amazing how much Luke looked like him when he had been that age with his blond hair and blue eyes and his own version of a sunshine smile which was now directed at him.

“Morning, Papa!”

“Morning, honey.”

Justin smiled as best as he could and then poured himself a cup of coffee before he sat down at the kitchen table as well. Luke eyed him happily, before his smile was replaced by a frown.

“Are you okay, Papa? Have you cried? Your eyes are all red,” he said in a concerned tone, looking at his father from worried eyes.

Justin noticed from the corner of his eye how Brian winced, but other than that didn't seem to react to what Luke had just said.

“Yeah, I am fine. Just allergies.”

Luke continued to frown for a few seconds, but then just nodded. He knew about his papa's allergies and knew how bad they could get.

“I hope it's not too bad, Papa,” he said sincerely, as he leaned over and kissed his father's cheek.

Justin couldn't help but smile at how caring Luke was. “I'm fine. Don't worry, honey.”

They were then interrupted by Brian bringing over some toast and scrambled eggs and Luke eagerly started having his breakfast, while still talking a mile a minute.

He didn't seem to notice that he was the only one talking at the table and that both his parents just watched him in subdued silence. Brian and Justin avoided eye contact. Justin knew that if he would meet Brian's eyes, he would most likely break down once more and he had a feeling it might be the same for his partner. Avoiding eye contact seemed to be the one way to make it through this breakfast.

After a few minutes they were joined by Gus, who thankfully seemed really happy to see his Dad as well and the boys carried on conversation while they finished their breakfast.

Justin offered to drive them to school and was relieved when Brian just nodded and thanked him quietly. He wasn't up for a discussion and he had the feeling that it was the same for Brian.

Once the boys were in school and Justin had returned home, he went looking for Brian and found him in his studio of all places. He found Brian looking at some of the paintings on display there and he seemed to be deep in thought.

Justin quietly made his way over and not wanting to startle the older man, he quietly spoke his name. “Brian.”

As if coming back from a deep trance, Brian slowly shook his head before his eyes settled on Justin's. Justin was not surprised to see that Brian had tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Brian just wordlessly shook his head and Justin walked over, taking the taller man into his arms. Brian hugged him back as if his life depended on it and they just stood like that for what felt like hours, crying in each other's arms for the injustice of it all.

“I am sorry,” Brian muttered after what felt like hours of silence where only their crying could be heard.

“Sorry? For what?”

“You don't deserve this...”

“Brian, stop it! You didn't ask for this. And if there is one person here who doesn't deserve this, it's you.”

“I... I just wanted to make you happy and now I can't even do that,” he whispered as he looked at a canvas which depicted what he knew was his pregnant form in abstract colours and forms.

“Have they said anything about M?” Justin asked quietly, looking into Brian's eyes, knowing without a doubt that he was refering to his pregnancy.

“They didn't have to... I mean... it's quite obvious, isn't it?” Brian's voice sounded hollow and empty and Justin felt slightly scared by that.

“Maybe... maybe we shouldn't just think about the worst. Maybe they are right and maybe it's benign and... you and M will be alright.”

Brian's head turned and his eyes met Justin's. They were sad and desperate. “You don't believe that. Don't try to fool yourself.”

“I am just saying that maybe... maybe we should wait for the results of the biopsy. Maybe... we're thinking too far ahead already.”

“Justin,” Brian started, his voice sounding incredibly sad and also tired. “I...I don't have to wait for the result of that biopsy. I... I know. I don't know how, but I just know and there is no point trying to fool ourselves.”

“Maybe you're wrong,” Justin said, but his voice lacked its usual conviction and strength. It was obvious that he himself didn't believe what he had been saying.

“Don't make this harder than it already is. It's best to just accept it for what it is.”

“But what is 'it'? We don't know yet. We don't have a diagnosis yet. We're... we're driving ourselves crazy without any confirmation... What if we're wrong and overreacting and... it's not that bad...,” Justin refused to let go of that last shred of hope, even though he knew he was only holding on to a fool's hope.

“I don't know what it is, but... it's bad... Damn, you didn't see their faces when they came to tell me. This is bad, Justin. I just know it is.”

Justin nodded wordlessy, running a hand through Brian's hair. “And we'll deal with whatever it is. I don't care how bad it will turn out to be. I don't!”

“Don't say that. You have no idea what might be coming.”

“And I don't need to know. All I know is that I love you and you will not get rid of me. So... whatever thoughts are running through your head. Stop thinking them! There won't be any running away, there won't be any going out in a blaze of glory. None of that shit!” Justin put both hands on Brian's cheeks and made the older man look at him directly. “Whatever this is, we will face it together. You and me! And the boys. As a family. You will not shut us out thinking that you're protecting us. Do you hear me? Do you hear me, Brian? We will face whatever this is together. You are not alone in this.”

Brian's eyes closed and Justin felt more than heard how Brian sighed. “The boys... they shouldn't see this...”

“No, they shouldn't. But they also shouldn't have to wonder why their father isn't around and left them on their own. They are strong. They have us and the family to help them. They will deal! But... they will deal with us. Together. As a family! You have to promise me, Brian. No more shutting me out. No more running away! Promise me!”

When Brian stayed quiet and didn't say anything for the longest time, Justin felt anger, frustration and also desperation take over. “Promise me!” His voice got louder and louder with each request. “Promise me, Brian! You have to promise me!”

Brian shook his head slowly which only made Justin more angry. “Promise me, you fucking asshole! Promise me, Brian! Fucking promise me.”

Not getting a reply from his partner, Justin let his arms fall to his side and felt tears spill from his eyes. “I love you. We love you. We are a family. Through good and bad. And no matter how bad this will get, we will still love you. If you want us to or not. We will love you, Brian! You don't get to shut us out. I won't let you. We are in this together whether you want to or not. Better get that into your thick head.”

After he had said his piece, Justin turned around and left his studio without another word. He couldn't be in a room with Brian if he couldn't even make him the simple promise to not shut him out during whatever they were about to face.

He knew that Brian had never been one to share his fears and feelings much, but after Luke and everything, after the therapy sessions they had attended together to get their relationship back on track, things had gotten better. Brian had been more open about his feelings and they had had an easier time talking about their fears and feelings.

Justin knew that most of Brian's issues stemmed from the way he had been raised by his parents and he knew that it wasn't really Brian's fault, but he also knew that Brian had worked through a lot of that during his own therapy sessions and had moved on from that years ago. He wondered why Brian was regressing like this now. Maybe it was the shock of the news he had received? Maybe he just didn't know how to deal with it? Whatever it was, Justin knew that there was no point pushing Brian. Sometimes he needed to give Brian his space to make him work through his feelings on his own and he just hoped that this was one of those cases.

Not able to stay in the house much longer, Justin picked up his jacket and decided to go for a walk in the grounds of Britin. Britin looked lovely in autumn with all the fallen leaves and the variety of colour all around and he hoped that a walk in the fresh air, enjoying the beauty of their home would make him feel slightly better than he did now.

Justin walked for about two hours before he went back to the house, feeling slightly scared of the mood Brian would be in. He hoped that the time alone might have helped Brian to work through some of what he was feeling.

When he entered the house, he was met by total silence. Deciding to check on Brian, he went looking for his partner. He was surprised that Brian was still in his studio. He was lying on the futon that Justin had in his studio in case he needed a break or one of the boys was watching him paint and he seemed to be sleeping. Justin quietly made his way over, surprised when Brian's eyes opened and met his gaze head on.

“I didn't mean to wake you,” he apologised quietly.

“I wasn't sleeping.”

“Did you eat?”

When Brian just shook his head in reply, Justin was about to say something, but was interrupted by Brian right away. “Not hungry.”

“Brian...,” Justin started, but stopped when he saw the expression on Brian's face darken.

“What? I need to keep up my strength? Are you going to force-feed me chicken soup again? What's the point?”

“The point? What's the point?” Justin's eyes widened in disbelief.

“Yeah, what's the point? Won't do any good anyway.”

“You need to keep up your strength, Brian. Hell, M needs nourishment. If not for yourself, at least think about the baby.”

“Yeah... stop fooling yourself, Sunshine. You better accept the truth for what it is. There won't be a baby.”

“Okay, I get it. You're depressed. I can't blame you. I would be too if I had received the news you had. Hell, I am. But... I refuse to let you just give up like that. I refuse to let you just go down without a fight. You will fucking take care of yourself and you will take care of our baby for as long as you have to. It's not over until the doctor's say it is. You want to give up? Fine, but I won't let you give up on our child. M deserves a chance and until a doctor says there is no chance, I will not let you give up on my child!”

Justin's voice had turned more and more angry as he spoke and the eyes that met Brian's gaze were absolutely furious. “You are an adult and you can make your own decisions, but my baby can't. So you will fucking get off your ass and will walk down into the kitchen in 30 minutes and you will eat whatever I put on your plate. I don't care if you're fucking hungry or not. My baby is growing inside of you and even though you might have already given up on M and yourself, I have not and I will not allow you to do so.”

Justin leaned closer to Brian and their faces were only inches apart. “You better not make me come back here and get you. 30 minutes. If your ass is not in the kitchen by then, you won't like the consequences!”

The blue eyes looking at Brian had been furious and raged with a fire that Brian only knew too well. Justin wasn't kidding.

Without another word Justin turned around and left his studio, he only stopped briefly at the door. “30 minutes.”

After that last reminder, Justin left Brian on his own and made his way downstairs to prepare lunch for them.

He watched the clock and couldn't help smiling to himself when he heard the stairs 29 minutes later. He hid his face and the smile curving his lips when Brian entered the kitchen silently just as the 30 minutes were up.

Taking the plate with the sandwiches that Justin had prepared for them, he walked over to the kitchen table where he found Brian sitting, his head hanging low.

“Right decision,” was all he said as he put the plate down on the table.

He watched as Brian glared at him. When he only glared back, Brian finally lowered his gaze. “You better start eating.”

With another glare directed at him, Brian angrily took one of the sandwiches and made a huge show of taking a bite. “Happy?” He snapped and Justin just nodded.

They sat in stony silence and ate their lunch. When Brian had finished his sandwich, Justin was happy that he had at least gotten the man to eat something.

The silence weighed heavily on the room and Justin hated it, but he didn't quite know how to break it. He knew that Brian was angry at him and he couldn't really blame him. He had been there before. He had been at a point where he had wanted to give up and had just wanted to bury his head and die, when he had first found out that his hand wasn't working properly anymore after the prom. Back then he had been the one who had been ready to give up and Brian hadn't let him. Sometimes life really was ironic. Now their roles were once again reversed.

“I get it, you know?” He said quietly after the silence became too heavy to bear. “I do.”

“What do you get?” Brian asked, his voice showing his annoyance at Justin.

“How you feel... I do...”

“You don't...”

“Know how you feel? Yeah, I do. I get it. I get how daunting it is to face this obstacle, how scary it is to think about all the strength it will take to make it through this. How much easier it would be to just bury your head in the sand and die right away. What's the point of investing all this strength and then it won't work out anyway, right? Yeah, I get it... and you know I do. It's why you went to the studio in the first place. You know I've been in that same position. You know how close I was to just giving up, but... you wouldn't let me and my studio is proof that it all worked out. I didn't give up because you wouldn't let me and it all worked out. And now you're faced with the same choice and wondering if it can work out for you as well.”

Brian didn't reply to what Justin had said, which confirmed to Justin that he had been right in his assumption. Brian had ended up in his studio because he knew that Justin had been in a similar position years ago and had made it through that dark time and in the end it had all worked out.

“I couldn't have done it without you, Brian,” Justin said quietly, slowly reaching for Brian's hand that was lying on the table. “You gave me strength when I thought I would never be able to paint again. You made me stand up and face reality and you gave me the strength to fight for my dream. You made me face my situation and gave me the strength to make it through all those hours of therapy, through all the cramps, the pain, the frustration. You always believed in me even when I couldn't and... now it's my time to believe in you. This can work out for you, Brian. For us. For our family. Just let me help you like you helped me.”

“It's not the same,” Brian muttered.

“No, it's not, and yet there are similarities, aren't there? I didn't have any hope back then and was caught in this dark tunnel that I thought I would never be able to leave. I thought I had lost it all. My ability to paint, my place at PIFA, everything... And now you think you're about to lose it all. And you feel like you don't have the strength to face this new obstacle and... that's okay. Really... Just let me help you like you helped me. It's okay to accept help, Brian!”

“What if there is no point?” Brian asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Like there was no point for me to ever think about painting ever again because I couldn't even hold a glass of water in my hand, even less a pencil or a paintbrush? Like there was no point for me to ever think about creating a single painting again because I couldn't even look at a canvas for more than ten minutes without getting a headache? You didn't let me give up back then and I won't let you give up now. I won't let you give up on me, the boys or M, Brian. What is the point? The point is to keep fighting and to make it past whatever life throws at us and to come out on the other side as a winner.”

“What if this can't be won?” Brian's voice sounded dejected and Justin's heart broke for his partner.

“Then we'll deal with it. But you don't get to give up without a fight. You don't just get to hang your head and accept fate without a fight. Whatever this is, we'll fight it. We'll fight it for as long as we have to and if there is no more fight left in you, I'll fight it with you. I'll give you my strength like you gave me strength back then.”

Justin squeezed the larger hand in his own and was relieved when he felt Brian squeeze back.

“I know it won't be easy. I am not naïve. I know that. But... don't you owe Gus and Luke to fight? Don't you owe our baby to fight? Don't you owe me to fight?” Justin felt very emotional as he spoke and he felt new tears come to his eyes. “Don't you owe it to yourself?”

“I am not sure I can...,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin from his own teary eyes. “I am not sure I am strong enough.”

“Then let us be strong together. Let me be strong with you. We can do this together, Brian. You and me and the boys. As a family. Whatever this is, just don't give up and let us fight it together!”

“I don't want to die,” Brian whispered and when his gaze met Justin's Justin had never seen that much pain in Brian's eyes before. He had never seen his partner that desperate and broken. “I don't...”

“Then promise me that you'll fight this, Brian. I... I don't want to lose you,” Justin whispered back, slowly getting up from his place at the table and moving over to Brian's side. He knelt down next to his partner and engulfed the man in a crushing hug.

“I can't lose you... You have to fight this, Brian... Please...”

They cried together for a long time, neither of them saying anything. When they calmed down, Brian pulled Justin into his lap and held him close.

“I... I never saw myself as a father, but... now... I want to see Gus and Luke get married. I want to see them make a life of their own and have their own families one day. I... I don't want to miss that...,” Brian whispered in a broken voice and all Justin could do was hold his partner tighter. He could easily hear the pain in Brian's voice.

“I don't want you to miss it,” Justin whispered.

“I wanted to see your face when M gets born. I... I wanted to see your face for once when we have a child together and... I wanted to be there with you through it all... I... I don't want to miss out on that,” Brian went on. “There are so many things I still want to do...”

“I won't let you go... you're not going to leave me before you're at least 80 years old and have Alzheimer's and can't remember my name anymore. You're not getting rid of me yet,” Justin said quietly, yet his voice was full of determination.

When Brian chuckled quietly, Justin was happy for it. “I mean it. You're not getting rid of me yet. I won't let you go.”

“Justin...,” Brian said quietly.

“No, I won't. You will fight this. I will fight this with you. I don't care what it takes, but you're not getting out of this yet.”

“You're a stubborn little twat,” Brian said with obvious love in his voice.

“I know. It's why you love me,” Justin smirked into Brian's chest.

“It is...”

“Promise me, Brian. Whatever this is. We will fight it. Together.”

“I am not sure I can.”

“Promise me, Brian,” Justin only repeated, then pulled back from Brian's chest and looked him in the eyes. “Please.”

Brian held Justin's gaze for the longest time, before he spoke in a voice hardly above a whisper. “I promise.”

And with that Justin closed his eyes in relief. Whatever happened now, he had Brian's promise to fight it. And Brian had never broken a promise to him before. Whatever would come, Brian had promised to fight it for him, for the boys, for their family. And Brian never broke his promises. Justin felt the relief spread through his body immediately and immediately felt calmer than he had ever since Brian had returned home the night before.

“Thank you,” he whispered, before he leaned in and met Brian's mouth in a gentle kiss.