Chapter 25

“Hmmmm,” Justin sighed happily, when he felt Brian's hand move down from his stomach to his groin and felt it settle on his dick. “Brian?”

“Shhhhhh, just enjoy,” Brian whispered, as his hand wrapped around Justin's penis and started rubbing up and down its length. He slowly felt it come to life and felt it harden in his his hands which caused him to smile. “Good?”

“Hmmmmmm, very good,” Justin murmured happily, slowly moving onto his back, so he could look at Brian and Brian would have better access at the same time.

Their eyes met and Brian could see the longing in Justin's exhausted eyes.

When Justin had returned home from the hospital, Brian had taken the time to look at his partner and even though he had noticed it before, he had been shocked when he had seen how exhausted Justin really looked. He had rings under his eyes, his cheeks were sunken in and it was obvious that Brian hadn't been the only one losing weight in recent weeks. He had cursed himself for not paying more attention before and for not forcing Justin to take a break before, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about that now. It was too late for that. All he could do now was to make sure that Justin would get his breaks from now on. And to make sure that the younger man would know how much Brian appreciated having him around through all this shit they were constantly living through. And this impromptu handjob was just his first way of saying sorry for how much he had left Justin alone to deal with everything in recent weeks.

Debbie and Jennifer had been right. Yes, he was going through a lot and he had the chemotherapy and the surgery to recover from, but he wasn't dead yet. He was still a part of this family and he would be damned if he acted like he was already gone and didn't pull his weight. At least on days when he could. Things would change and tonight was the first night of a new way forward.

Brian kissed Justin lazily and continued with the handjob until he felt Justin tense up underneath him, his body showing that he was close to shooting his load.

Sure enough, a few seconds later Justin came all over Brian's hand and tried to slowly get his ragged breathing back under control.

“Jeez... that was...,” Justin whispered, lazily looking up at Brian from loving eyes. “Thank you,” he said seriously, a few seconds later.

“You are most welcome,” Brian whispered sincerely, leaning down once more for a quick kiss, before he slowly made his way out of the bed and picked up a washcloth from their ensuite. He quickly cleaned up his hand and Justin's groin and stomach, before returning to bed where his partner was already close to sleep.

“Sorry...s-s-so tired. Was great,” Justin mumbled, trying to keep his eyes open as he spoke to Brian, cuddling into him. “W-want me to...?” He started, but then never continued.

Brian wondered what Justin was about to offer, seeing how his own dick was still out of comission and hadn't shown any signs of life since his chemotherapy had started, but he appreciated the thought, especially seeing how tired Justin was. He couldn't help but smile gently at the man in his arms when he realised that the blond had been so exhausted that he had fallen asleep before finishing his question.

Listening to the even breathing of the man in his arms, Brian sighed, leaving a soft kiss on the blond hair in front of him.

“I am sorry, Sunshine. I'll do better from now on. I promise,” he whispered, having every intention of keeping that promise that he had made to his partner and to himself.

Brian tried to settle down as well, tried to sleep himself, but no matter what he did, sleep wouldn't come. He was turning around for two hours, before he finally gave up and cursed his stupid body. He had taken several naps during the day, feeling so exhausted and now he couldn't sleep? That was fucked up.

After a while of trying to read some magazine or other and trying to watch some mindless late night TV in the living-room, Brian gave up, knowing that the cause for his sleepless night was something else. It had nothing to do with being tired or not, it had everything to do with the conversation that he had had with Debbie and Jennifer earlier and some of the things they had said that still went through his head.

Knowing that sleep would evade him, no matter how much he tried, Brian finally gave up and quietly got himself dressed. He left the house without either Justin or the boys noticing.

He had left a note for Justin, in case he woke up and wondered where Brian had disappeared to, but really hoped that the blond would just sleep. He looked like he really needed it.

After 15 minutes Brian arrived at his destination and took a deep breath as he parked the car and got out. He hadn't expected to be back, at least not for another three days, until it was time for his next treatment, but here he was, back at the hospital once more.

He made his way inside, quite surprised by how many people were still rushing through the hospital halls even though it was close to midnight.

He followed the signs to the NICU and frowned when he stood outside a closed door and couldn't seem to find a way to get past that door.

“Can I help you?”

Brian looked away from the door and turned to the young nurse that watched him suspiciously as he stood outside the door, clearly looking for a way inside.

“I was actually looking for a way in. I am here to see my daughter,” he explained quietly, eyeing her still suspicious expression.

“Visiting hours are from 7am-10pm in the NICU. Maybe you want to come back tomorrow?”

Brian's shoulders slumped. Stupid! Why hadn't he thought of visiting hours? Of course! This was a hospital and a NICU. Sure parents were encouraged to be with their children, but he had been stupid to assume they could just walk in at all hours of the night.

“Uhm, yeah... Sorry about that. I wasn't aware,” he offered, hanging his head. So much for his good intentions of making true on his promise to go and see his daughter.

The nurse eyed him, noticing the slumped shoulders and his disappointed expression. “Who is your daughter?” she asked, her voice gentle.

“Victoria Rose Kinney-Taylor,” he said, looking up at her from glassy eyes. “She's in NICU and... I just wanted to see her,” he admitted.

The nurse walked over to his side, nodding slowly. “You must be Mr Kinney then. Justin has mentioned you,” she said, a small smile on her face. “Are you feeling better? He mentioned that the surgery and chemo had taken quite a toll on you,” she inquired, her voice sounding sincere.

Justin? Brian frowned. Why was he not surprised that the twat was already on a first name basis with the nurse? Only Justin would become friends with the nurses taking care of their daughter.

When Brian didn't reply to her statement, obviously deep in thought, she extended her hand to him. “I am Maggie, the night nurse. I usually come in around the time when he's leaving, so we always have a quick chat about how Vicky has been doing that day.”

Brian shook his head, trying to concentrate on the nurse in front of him. “Brian,” he said, shaking her hand in greeting.

“You haven't been here before, have you?” Maggie asked, looking at Brian from understanding eyes.

Brian shook his head, not feeling like going into any explanations as to why he hadn't been by in the last 3 ½ weeks. Surprisingly, Maggie didn't seem to care and just nodded. Well, apparently she knew about his cancer and chemotherapy, so maybe she had already come to her own conclusions.

“Uhm, sorry to bother you this late. I'll just come back in tomorrow with Justin,” Brian said quietly, making to turn around and leave.

When Maggie saw his hunched shoulders and the disappointment on his face, she made a spur of the moment decision right there and then.

“Brian? How about I just take you in for a minute or two? It would be a pity if you came all this way for nothing, right?”

Brian turned around and looked at her from hopeful eyes. “Would that be okay?” He asked, not sure how many rules she would be breaking, but really wanting to see his daughter.

“Yeah, don't worry about it. Follow me,” she said, as she took a key card and swiped it through a reader next to the door. When a green light lit up, she pulled the door open and pulled him inside the NICU.

She led him down a hallway to a small room where she handed him a medical gown and some gloves, explaining how many of the premature babies in the NICU had issues with their immune systems not being developed properly yet and how this was for their protection.

Brian quickly put on the gown and the gloves, then followed her to a glass door. He could see several incubators through the door and wondered if his daughter was in one of them.

Maggie opened the door, then led him over to the incubator that had his daughter lying inside. For the first time he saw their baby, their beautiful daughter and what he saw brought tears to his eyes.

Justin had told him how small she was, he had told him how she weighed almost nothing, but seeing her small form now, seeing her attached to all these different machines that helped her stay alive, shook him.

He did a double take as he took in her thin legs, her tiny hands, her head which was covered by a bandage over her eyes and saw the infusions and tubes sticking into her.

Maggie noticed his reaction and stayed close by. She knew that it was hard for parents to see their small babies like that for the first time. She had seen it in many parents of premature babies before and was not surprised by the reaction.

Trying to not make a bigger deal out of it than she had to, she just spoke quietly to the man at her side.

“She's a real fighter. She has already put on some weight and is slowly growing.”

“Is she in pain?” Brian asked, his voice hardly audible as he tried to speak, feeling too shocked by the sight in front of him.

“No, she's not. She's well taken care of and not in any kind of pain. She's been doing really well today,” Maggie said, her voice sounding as encouraging as it could when she saw Brian's reaction, knowing that the man needed the reassurance.

“Can I speak to her? Can she hear me?” He asked quietly, his hand touching the glass of the incubator, looking at the small baby inside in wonder. His beautiful daughter who had been given such a hard start into her life, yet according to the nurse was doing well for now.

“Absolutely. Many parents talk to their children, read to them. I know that Justin loves telling her stories about her brothers and you. She always seems calmer when he speaks to her and her breathing and heart rate calm down considerably.”

Brian stored away that information and nodded at the nurse.

“How about I give you a few minutes alone?” she suggested, then moved away from his side over to some of the other children to check on them while he stayed next to his daughter's incubator.

“Hey,” Brian said quietly, his hand resting on the top of the incubator, the closest he could get to touching his daughter. “I am your daddy. I am sorry I didn't come before to see you. Life is just... hard at the moment, you know? I know that your Papa has been by every day and has taken good care of you. And your grandmothers and uncles and aunties. You are much loved, but... I want you to know that I love you as well. I love you more than anything and I promise that from now on, I will come by and see you more often as well. I'll be by your side and will help you whenever you need my help, okay, princess? You can always count on me and your papa. We love you so much, you have no idea.”

As he was speaking to her, tears ran down his cheeks and he angrily wiped them away, cursing himself for feeling so emotional.

“I am not usually like this,” he told her quietly, his eyes never leaving her small body. “There is just so much going on right now and... I am really scared, you know? Really scared that you won't be okay and that it's my fault. I am sorry that you're stuck here and I wish there was something I could do to change it, but I can't, so I promise that from now on I will come by as often as I can and will help you in any way I can, okay, baby girl?”

Brian smiled slightly when he saw a small movement of his daughter's fist. He knew it was probably unrelated to what he had said, but he took it as a sign anyway that she had heard him.

“I love you, Vicky! More than life itself.”

After a few more minutes Maggie came back to his side and Brian reluctantly left his daughter's side, knowing that he had already been in NICU much longer than he should have been outside of visiting hours.

They left the room together and she gave Brian a quick update on Vicky's condition as he removed the gown and gloves. “She's been doing really well in recent days and has recovered well from the surgery. She truly is a little fighter and the doctors are very optimistic that she'll make a full recovery and will grow up a healthy little baby girl.”

“Surgery?” Brian frowned, looking at her in confusion.

“For the NEC, the Necrotizing enterocolitis. She had the surgery three days ago.”

When Brian just stared at her blankly, she frowned, but continued. “Some premature babies develop this intestinal problem two to three weeks after birth. The bowel may become damaged when its blood supply is reduced. Bacteria that are normally present in the bowel invade the damaged area, causing more damage, which can lead to feeding difficulties, abdominal swelling, and other complications. We tried treating it with antibiotics, but when that didn't help, she had surgery to remove the damaged sections of her bowel. I am sure Justin must have mentioned it. He was very worried for her and very nervous about the surgery.”

Not wanting her to know that he was unaware of any surgery, Brian nodded slowly. “Yeah, he did mention it. I am sorry. With the chemo and everything, I just can't seem to think straight at times,” he tried to explain his confusion away.

Maggie nodded, but he could see the doubtful expression on her face.

“I guess I better head home now. I've kept you from your work long enough. Thanks for letting me see her at this hour of night, Maggie. I promise from now on I'll keep to normal visiting hours,” Brian promised with one of his most charming smiles, not surprised when the nurse lost her doubtful expression and smiled back at him.

“You are welcome, Brian. Give Justin my best,” she said, before she headed back to the room with the incubators and left Brian to make his way back to the car park.

A surgery. He was absolutely sure that Justin hadn't mentioned any surgery and he couldn't help but wonder why. She had said it had taken place three days ago, which would have been on the first day after his chemotherapy. Could it be that Justin had mentioned it and he just hadn't realised it with all the side effects he had been dealing with at the time? He doubted it, but he couldn't say for sure that Justin had kept this surgery from him. But, if he had kept it from him, the question was: Why?

Brian made his way back home and quietly got back into the house. He was relieved to see that Justin and the boys were still asleep. Justin looked as if he hadn't moved at all and Brian hoped that the blond was finally getting some much needed sleep.

Once he lay down back in bed, he pulled the younger man close, holding him tight in his embrace. He kept thinking about the surgery and any mention of a surgery some more, but absolutely couldn't remember anything about Justin mentioning that something was wrong with Vicky. To be fair, Brian couldn't really remember him talking about her much after their first day at the hospital where he had broken down in Brian's arms. Justin would usually claim that she was fine, if Brian asked and if he didn't, Justin wouldn't say anything about her either. Brian couldn't help but wonder why, but the more he thought about it, the more he didn't like where his thoughts were going.

After another hour of thinking, he finally fell into an exhausted sleep.