There were probably words that I could say that would stop Ian from packing up and leaving, yet I sit here looking at the skyline, not saying anything. It wasn’t like I wanted him to walk out of my life. Shit, he was the love of my life. But, for the first time, he asked for something that I wouldn’t give him. He wanted to know how I knew Justin Taylor and why I took off for over a week without contacting anyone. He wasn’t used to me acting like a child, even when he often joked I was one, compared to him. It was sort of a joke to the family, that I ended up in a relationship with a guy twelve years older than me. It wasn’t like with my dad and Justin. I was nineteen and in college when I met the man who rocked my world. Now he wants answers as to what caused me to push him away. Instead of answering, I went on a bender and told him it was none of his business and to pack and leave if he thought it was. I couldn’t stop trying to hurt myself, all because I saw Justin Taylor and he looked through me.

Normally, Ian would wait for me to get over myself and we’d deal with it. Only, I continued to shit on him for the next couple of weeks and he’d finally had enough and told me that either I tell him what the hell was wrong with me or he was going to do what I suggested. My adult response? I got drunk and woke up to Ian packing up everything he owned. I laid there, not saying anything until he took the last thing he owned out of our bedroom. I didn’t want to tell him, because I wasn’t sure anyone could understand my problem. It hurt to see that Justin was happy without me in his life. To be fair, he deserved to be happy after what happened. He’d lost practically everyone. I felt like a selfish piece of shit for the jealousy I felt that his life had ended up better without us while the family that shit all over him fell completely apart. It was poetic justice really. Not that Justin would have wanted that for anyone, no matter what we did to him.

Ian knew from the start that my childhood was a hard subject for me, but he didn’t ask, he just let me tell him what I wanted him to know about it. He seemed to accept that I wasn’t extremely close to anyone in the family other than my dad. He respected my tendency to internalize, but not my actions. Which is what led to me standing here letting him walk away from us. He didn’t understand why meeting one of his friends would have me acting like a total asshole. Of course, he didn’t even know I knew Justin Taylor since no one in my family acted like Justin ever existed. It’s like we wiped him out of anything to do with us. It didn’t matter that I’ve regretted it for the last fifteen years, but I didn’t know how to fix things with Justin without causing more problems with the rest of them.

My dad didn’t do it just to appease Michael but because it hurt him to think he was part of driving Justin away from everyone. In fact, the only person who doesn’t play the game is Grandma Deb. She refused to pretend her Sunshine didn’t exist. She keeps in contact with him and even went on vacation with him to Italy. While we all acted like she did something wrong for not picking a side. Deb never shared her time with Justin with anyone but Carl. She did tell us she didn’t feel we deserved to know anything about his life now after the way we all had acted. She dealt with Michael’s bitching and pretty much ignored it. No one was going to tell her to pretend she didn’t love her Sunshine and she didn’t let anyone say a word about his son in her presence. I just left the room instead of listening to her when she tried to tell me it was time for me to stop acting like Justin doesn’t love me. She didn’t realize that it was the only way I could deal with how much it hurt that he was gone because I told him to get out of my life.

It’s strange how small the world can be. Ian knows Justin. My Justin. It hurt when I saw them talking like old friends, and yet Ian had no clue that Justin and I knew each other. Which meant Justin never talked about me, or my dad, to Ian. He shut us out of his life the way I asked him to, and now it fucking feels like I’m bleeding. Once again I’m going to lose someone I love, and I want to blame Justin as if he did anything other than what I told him I wanted. 

Justin is locked away in a part of my heart and mind that I don’t let anyone into, because I’m not proud of treating him the way I did. I don’t want Ian to know just how ugly my family can be, which is why Ian and I didn’t go to Pittsburgh for visits. It’s why I never talk about my mother, other than telling him she left when I was six and never contacted me again. He knows my father, Ted, and Emmett, because they visit and pretty much helped me through when I hated everyone. I’ve mentioned Michael, but Ian also knows Michael is Jenny’s biological father, and that Michael and I don’t get along after the way he treated me for not helping him marry my dad. 

Ian thinks I’m pushing him away the way my father has done with every man since Justin. He doesn’t realize that with each thing he packs I’m slowly dying because he’s the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I just don’t want Ian to see how petty I am, even though I don’t deserve anything from Justin.

Justin had every right to ignore me. I’ve been ignoring him for years, but it was like he finally gave up on me when he walked by me as if I was a stranger on the street. Like Justin and my mother, Ian was going to give up on me. He doesn’t get it, he thinks it’s me trying to push him away, which is the last thing I want, but he doesn’t get what a selfish piece of shit I am for feeling hurt by Justin. It didn’t matter that Justin was doing what I told him to do fifteen years ago. Just that he did it. I didn’t want Ian to leave me, but how do I tell the man I love about the worst day of my life... the day I lost Justin. I chose sides… the wrong side. I was petty, mean, and lied, saying things just to hurt Justin. It’s everything Ian hates about people. Would Ian even want to stay if I told him what I had done to the man who was everything to me at one time, the man who was my second father? Ian didn’t need to know how screwed up I really was. 

“Gus, are you really going to just stare out the window? Do I mean so little to you?” Ian asked, in hopes of getting my head out of my ass.

“I love you. Why can’t that be enough?” I asked.

“Because it can’t be. Not after you treated our relationship like you forgot about it. What happened? I need you to tell me. Because it’s like the minute Justin Taylor ignored you, you acted like nothing mattered anymore. I tried to get Justin to tell me what the hell he was doing, since he’s never treated anyone like that, but he’s being as stubborn as you are. If my friendship with Justin is a problem then I need to know why I’m about to lose a friend and not you. I don’t understand and I want to help you, but you’re pushing me away. I can’t help you if you throw a wall between us.” Ian begs.

“Don’t do that to him. He doesn’t deserve to lose anything more because of me. It’s what my family did to him. He was the most important person in my life, and I hurt him for loving me. He’s only doing what I asked and treating me like a stranger. I can’t blame him since I treated him like he deserved to be abandoned by everyone.” I tell him.

“So you do know him?” Ian asks.

“He was pretty much my second father until I was six,” I tell him.

“Then why did you two act like you didn’t know each other? I’ve known Justin for a few years. I’ll admit, he really only talks about his work and son, but I’ve never seen him just turn and walk away from someone, especially not if he was as close as your saying he was. He’s usually too nice to people.” Ian tells me.

“He and my Dad were… well depending on who you ask, pretty much together for six years. He was pretty much there until we moved to Canada. He was the one who named me when I was born.” I tell him, working my way up telling him the rest.

“What happened? He acts like he wants nothing to do with you.” Ian asks, upset on my behalf.

“I started it by telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. I said things that weren’t true and used it to hurt Justin. He was closer to me than even my dad and was there for everything in my life. I treated him like none of it mattered to me, and you know what Justin did? Justin never let me see that I hurt him. He hugged me good-bye and told me he’d always be there if I needed him. And I returned his offer by telling him I was glad my dad could choose Michael now that he was gone. I never called him again, but he still sent me things from wherever he was. I don’t know why I told him that, other than I was angry that my mom was gone and Justin broke up with my dad again. Michael kept telling me that we could finally be a family like we were supposed to be and that he would make sure Mama couldn’t keep Dad from letting me come and visit. Michael even said if we helped make my dad see that Michael should be the one he asked to marry him, that Jenny and I could come back instead of living in Canada, which both of us hated. So I did what he said and told Justin to get out of my life.” I tell him.

“He sounds like fun,” Ian said sarcastically.

While I was still trying to think of how to explain what happened, I knew I didn’t want to do it alone. I walked over to Ian who looked up at me and held out his hand. 

“I want to understand this, not leave you. Yes, the fact that you love me is enough, but I can’t stand by as you self-destruct.” Ian tells me, leading me to the couch.

“Gonna shrink my head, Doc?” I joke.

“You and Brian really think that’s funny,” Ian tells me, sitting next to me.

“My father wonders if it was too much estrogen in my life that led me to dating a shrink,” I tell him, wanting a couple of minutes before explaining.

“I’m not your therapist, but I told you from the beginning that communication is important. What you did wasn’t acceptable to me.” Ian tells me.

“It hurt to see Justin happy, and that he went on with his life,” I tell him.

“Was he supposed to be miserable?” Ian asks.

“The right answer is no, but my selfish answer is yes. I don’t want him to be happy, because the family sort of fell apart after he left us.” I tell him, wincing at the way it sounded.

“What made you jealous, that he was happy, or that he was happy with his son?” Ian asks.

“I felt like he replaced me, but it’s not like he didn’t have a right to a life of his own. It’s just weird to see some kid looking at Justin the way I once did,” I tell him.

“You told him to get out of your life and he did, but as you said, he still thought about you. What happened when he sent things, did you trash them or keep them?” Ian asked.

“It’s the stuff in my office that I keep in the display cases,” I tell him, feeling even worse about my attitude toward Justin.

“Are you up to explaining the rest?” Ian asks.

“Justin tried one more time to call me, wanting to make sure I was okay. I told him I had a father and didn’t need him pretending to be one. Then I said maybe he should stop living through my dad and Michael and get a kid of his own since we didn’t need him. He didn’t call again since he wanted to respect my boundaries, and instead of making any move to reconnect with him, I did what I’m doing now; letting one of the most important people in my life walk away over something that should have been easy to fix. See, with Justin all I would’ve had to do was reach out and he would have been there.” I tell him.

“All you have to do is let me help you,” Ian tells me.

“Shit, I’m screwed up. So what if Justin went on to have a kid? It’s not like I left any room in my life for him to think I wanted him back after I sent him away. So I got exactly what I asked for, but you didn’t deserve my bullshit and the way I’ve been acting. It’s just, I didn’t want you to know the asshole I could be, and how selfish I felt for hating the kid who got Justin’s love. I know Justin still loves me, no matter what I did to him. He never once made any of us feel like he loved one of us more than others. Justin made sure I got attention when my mothers were fighting over Jenny. He always stuck around when he and my father broke up over and over again.” I tell him.

“What changed for your father and Justin?” Ian asks.

“I know it had something to do with Michael, but what, my dad wouldn’t tell me. I know whatever it was Justin didn’t even try to work it out with my dad. In the past he did, he didn’t care that my dad slept with other people… they had an open relationship in the beginning. But whatever it was with Michael was a...“ I stop, not sure of how to describe it.

“A hard limit for Justin?” Ian asks since he was clueless to the mess that was Michael Novotny.

“I guess. I mean, Justin did his best to be friends with Michael and there were times when Michael caused problems between my Dad and Justin. Which I only know because my mom and Mama would talk about how Michael needed to leave Dad and Justin alone. My dad had a long history with Michael, and he tended to protect Michael from everyone. From what Em told me when it came to anything else or Michael, my dad chose Michael. Even Justin had to put up with it. I really don’t know why Justin put up with it. Not many people would have. I know that I wouldn’t have stuck around. When Michael’s life went to shit my Dad was there for him, and whatever happened caused Justin to break up with my dad. Michael made it sound like my Dad admitted he loved Michael, not Justin. I wanted to believe it since Michael was around more and treated me well at the time, while Justin wasn’t around as much anymore, and after my mom disappeared, so did Justin,” I tell him.

“I get that you missed him, and Michael figured out how to get you on his side. Whatever it was had to be something Justin couldn’t deal with for him to make a final break with your father if he had put up with that and more in the past. How was your relationship with Michael in the past?” Ian asked like he was putting together a puzzle.

“He wasn’t really a big part of my life. He was there, but he never bothered to show up just to see me. He and I really didn’t have any relationship until we moved away. Then he was around and started including me in everything he and Ben did. I saw Justin less and less and started listening to Michael and the way he saw Justin. I don’t know why since Justin never did anything to make me think Michael was right. Michael once told me that it took my dad five years just to tell Justin he loved him, and then added that it was more about him being hurt in the bombing and my dad clinging to Justin in case Michael didn’t survive. He’d say stuff like Justin only used me to keep my dad in his life. I was angry. I mean, I’d lost my mom and Justin wasn’t around to help me through it.” I told him.

“Okay, shrink hat on for a second. Think of how old you were and the fact that you lost your mother, your father lived far away, and the other father you depended on wasn’t as available to you as he once was. Then you have a man who wanted your father. Obviously, Michael used all that to manipulate you. Michael knew whatever it was that caused Justin to break up with your father and likely hoped it would change the friendship into something more now that Justin was out of the way. Michael needed you on his side. He likely knew what I know about you and your father, that both of you tend to hide from feeling things too strongly, by acting like you don’t feel anything at all. The more you love someone, the harder it is for you to tell them. Even knowing that, Michael found a way to make it sound like Brian only said anything to Justin because he was worried about losing Michael. ” Ian told me.

“Add to that, I was six and had just moved to Canada with my mothers and away from everyone I knew. Michael and Ben visited a lot. My father came as much as he could, and I started seeing less of Justin. Michael included me when they did things with my sister, and while we had fun, I was upset that Justin couldn’t come. Justin had moved to New York for his career. Which I understand now but I didn’t at six, so he couldn’t visit the way everyone else could.  I missed him, and Michael was filling in the void. Justin stopped calling after Ben left Michael and I felt like he stopped giving a shit about me. It felt like I was losing everyone and Justin didn’t care. AND, I do tell you I love you.” I tell him.

“I know you do, but it’s not always easy for you,” Ian tells me, leaning in to kiss me.

We stopped when my Dad came barging in the door. He looked worried until he saw me in the living room. “Sorry, I called him telling him you would need him I left today,” Ian whispered.

“What the hell were you doing that had Ian worried about you?” He asks.

“Channeling you. I saw Justin.” I tell him.

My dad is good. In fact, he’s a master at hiding his feelings when it comes to Justin or hearing his name. Only, I’ve always been able to see through it, and this time I saw something I’d never seen before. Like he was keeping something from me. It was in the way his eyes shifted to look away from me instead of right at me.

“I hope you didn’t say anything to upset him.” He tells me.

“I think we all did that summer. But no I didn’t get a chance, he ignored me. So I didn’t have time to shit on him again.” I tell him.

“Gus, he didn’t deserve the way everyone acted, and trust me, it hurts him to do what you asked of him, but he will for as long as you want him to.” He told me, sitting across from me and Ian.

“How would you know? You still act like he doesn’t exist.” I accuse.

My dad didn’t answer, he just picked up his phone to make a call. Confusing both me and Ian, until we heard who he was talking to.

“Justin, can you come over to Gus’s place? I think we need to talk to him about everything.” My dad said, hanging up.

“How would he know where I live?” I ask.

“Because when you wanted to move here, I called him and he picked this place for you.” He tells me.

“Why would he do that?” I ask.

“He loves you, and because I asked him to. I think it’s time for you to know what really happened that summer.” My dad tells me.

“Justin came and everyone treated him like crap. Well, not Grandma Deb, but everyone else acted like he was trespassing on our family. I know, even with everyone telling me it wasn’t my fault, I was still wrong for what I did to him for breaking up with you. I was angry and stupidly listening to Michael tell me that you would be better off with him. I wasn’t mad at Justin, but I took it out on him because I felt like I was losing him. I did what everyone else did, stuck by Michael as he smugly told Justin that you came to your senses and chose him. At the time I thought maybe it was true, that you wanted Michael, especially when you stood there and didn’t deny what he was saying. It’s not like we all didn’t know the minute Ben left Michael that he’d expect you to be there with him and no one else. Mama even started saying she rather it be Michael than Justin and that I should be glad since Michael is the one person you never pushed away. What’s weird is everything was fine when Michael first moved into the house. He even acted like he didn’t mind that you wouldn’t share a bedroom with him. He kept telling me you wanted to do it right with him. Only, when nothing changed and you wanted to spend time with me, I suddenly became the problem.” I tell him, turning to explain it to Ian. “He got angry when my dad wasn’t treating Jenny like she was his too, and including her in the things he wanted to do with me. Then Michael was mad because Dad told him that he needed to start looking for a place to live because they weren’t ever going to be together the way he thought. Michael and I weren’t getting along by then, and he thought I was the reason Dad wasn’t willing down on his knees proposing and offering everything he once offered Justin. Michael got really pissed when Dad told him that he wouldn’t help take Jenny away from Mama.”

“I’m not sure who would have been worse,” Ian said, which I understood since he’d never been a fan of Mama.

“My mistake was going along with it to keep Justin safe from Michael’s continued instability. I wanted Justin to get away from Michael and the shit that I let happen because I stupidly let Michael believe he was more important than anyone else in my life. It’s why I fought him when he tried to get custody of Jenny. Michael was trying to create a happy life we weren’t going to have.” My dad tells me.

“What do you mean keep Justin safe?” Ian asks.

“None of us realized how much Michael hated Justin because he was able to hide it for years. It became more apparent after Ben left and Michael said things about Justin that bothered both me and Emmett. I needed to deal with Michael, and Justin and I were having problems already so I wanted to deal with Michael before dealing with the problems with Justin. Justin agreed after Michael sent him a storyline for Rage. It had JT dying after being bashed again. Then Justin saw a note that said JT was getting what he deserved, although he didn’t tell me about that at the time.” He tells us.

“I’m sorry once again but I’m going to put my shrink hat on. Why the hell didn’t you guys get Michael some help, instead of whatever you did?” Ian asks.

“At the time, we thought we were helping. Justin and I weren’t together, and he didn’t tell me what Michael sent him. Justin was still angry about something else and did what he always does instead of what he should have done. I didn’t help by something I did and it broke us up. Justin needed time because he wasn’t sure how to deal with what I did. So I dealt with it the way I dealt with everything, pain management with Mikey by my side. Michael ranting about Justin was nothing new and I was hurting because Justin couldn’t forgive me for screwing up once again. It’s something I depended on Justin for; to be there even when I didn’t make it easy.” He answers.

“Then you were dealing with me acting like a brat because of mom leaving me, and Mama mad at you for some reason,” I add.

“It was easier than dealing with losing Justin. So I let it be the distraction I needed to not go beg Justin to forgive me. It wasn’t anything new to be hated by Mel.” My dad tells us. 

“Was it always like that between you and Mel?” Ian asked.

“We were okay for a while. Until Mel found out Lindsay cheated with an artist at her gallery.” Dad shrugged.

“Which ended up causing a problem that followed them to Canada. It confused me but then I didn’t see the problem with having another baby, Mel did. I was also five and didn’t understand the difference between Jenny and the new baby that my mother was having. Apparently, Mel couldn't look past the fact the baby was from my mother’s affair, so she issued her conditions, and my mother fell in line and agreed to give up the baby. Michael agreed with Mel, and when Mom started showing Michael made sure Mom was reminded of her stupidity any chance he got. Mel acted like everything Mom did was wrong and she just wilted, barely functioning. I came home one day to find out that Mom had packed up and left without a word. She just left a note saying she couldn’t forgive Mel. There was nothing about me or Jenny. I was angry at her for forgetting me, all over her own stupidity, which is how Michael’s words started to be more believable to me. I hated her, and Michael was more than willing to use it when she left. I was angry at Justin for defending her for leaving me. The way I saw it was- what right did Justin have to say it was okay, other than as an excuse for him leaving me too?” I explain to Ian.

“Justin never left you Sonny Boy. He was trying to get his career off the ground. He wouldn’t accept any help since he’s a stubborn twat like that. He couldn’t afford to visit you, and only occasionally accepted help when it meant he could see you or me.” My dad said, looking proud of Justin.

“Then explain to me why you let what happened with him, happen. You keep saying you did something Justin couldn’t forgive you for but not what it was.” I say, wanting to know what he was avoiding.

“Michael was losing everything; Ben, his shop, the house he and Ben lived in. He started clinging to me. Wanting me to fix everything, and to add to that I was angry at Justin for something he did, it was a bad combination all around. We started going out the way we used to, which was my way of helping him. I honestly didn’t see the harm, when in the past it’s how we dealt with things. We got hammered one night and I ended up giving Michael what he’d wanted since we were fourteen, I slept with him. Justin could handle a lot of bullshit from me, but what happened with Michael was more than he was willing to be okay with. We fought when I told him, even though I had no intention of ever revisiting that mistake again. Only this time, Justin was too angry and felt like I’d finally crossed a line he couldn’t forgive. Once again, I didn’t try to stop him, because I wasn’t sure how to forgive myself for crossing the line.” My dad tells me.

“Which explains why he broke it off with you. But why did he stop visiting me?” I ask.

“Justin wanted to see you but Mel was mad at him for not acting like Lindsay deserved a hairshirt, and for something she felt like was Justin taking sides. Mel let me know that if I let Justin see you, she’d make it impossible for me to see you. I also didn’t want you hurt by something Justin was doing so I agreed with Mel’s decision. Mel wasn’t willing to see reason.” He tells me.

“Mom could have,” I said, not hiding how that hurt.

“Gus, after your mother left, she went to Justin. He called me to tell me Lindsay needed help and I ended up having to hospitalize her. She’s still lost in her own world. I know I had no right to keep this from you but I didn’t want you to see her like that.” He tells me.

“Did the baby die?” I ask, not sure what else I should ask.

“No. He’s actually doing great.” He tells me.

“But mom isn’t?” I ask.

My dad got up without answering me to get the door, and in walked Justin, looking worried. It was strange to see him and my dad staring at each other. They were talking without saying anything, then my dad nodded like he was answering Justin. 

“Hi Gussy,” Justin said, smiling.

“In case you missed it, I grew up.” I joke, then cringe at how it sounded.

“I wish I could have seen it. Hi Ian, small world.” Justin said, sitting with my dad.

“Where is my mom?” I ask, noticing my dad grab Justin’s hand.

“She’s staying at a center near here. In case you're wondering, she’s actually doing better. She actually acknowledged that I’ve aged.” Justin tells me and my dad.

“You didn’t know?” I ask my dad.

“I don’t visit her for a reason,” Dad tells me.

“Why?” I ask.

“When your dad did visit her, she reverted to a world where she thinks she’s Wendy and your dad is Peter Pan. In that world, Mel doesn’t exist, yet baby Gus does. It took days to get her back to the real world after that and Brian didn’t need the guilt over something he did nothing to cause.” Justin tells me.

“She doesn’t have the same problem when she sees you?” I ask.

“She deals differently with me. It’s like I’m eternally the seventeen-year-old she met, until a couple of months ago. When I visit we talk about art and you. She doesn’t really connect me to Brian, just you.” Justin tells me.

“Should I visit her?” I ask.

“As long as you understand that she might get confused. She’s doing better but she might reject that you grew up. The doctor thinks she doesn’t want to deal with the things that happened after you were born.” Justin tells me, looking at my dad questioningly.

“I haven’t told him everything yet,” Dad tells him.

“How long have you two been back together? That’s something you never told me.” I question.

“It was easier not to tell anyone. We needed time to get through a few issues.” Justin tells me.

“How does Justin’s kid figure into this? Were you hiding that too?” I ask Dad, still not liking that it seems like Justin replaced me.

“Gus,” Ian says, making me look at him. “Let them explain and leave the jealousy out of this.”

“His name is Patrick,” Dad says, looking at me.

“Sorry, I’m just thrown and jealous, and Patrick didn’t do anything to deserve me acting like he did something wrong,” I tell Justin.

“Just promise you’ll listen, and understand your right, Patrick didn’t do anything, other than be born. Your dad told you I helped Lindsay when she called me?” Justin asks me.

“Yeah, and you helped her leave us,” I said, trying not to sound pissed about it.

“Gus she was… She wanted to disappear and that scared the shit out of me. I thought she was just scared and depressed, but it was more than that. She hated the baby; hated who she was; and didn’t see the point in anything anymore. Which isn’t the woman I’ve always known.” Justin tells me.

“Why didn’t you call and tell Mel where she was?” I ask.

“You didn’t tell him?” Justin asks my dad.

“I wanted to do it together. If he gets mad he needs to be pissed at me, not you. I’m the one who acted like an asshole, while you did everything to help everyone.” Dad tells Justin.

“I’m just going to rip off the bandaid and hope you understand,” Justin tells me. “Mel kicked her out, Gus. She told Lindsay not to come back until the baby was born and gone, which wasn’t long off at that point. When your mom called me, she started talking about plans to have me display my work at the GLC. I was confused since that event had happened five years earlier. And then she said she would have to bring you and wanted to know if I could help babysit you while she helped get everything hung. I ended up going to get her and bringing her with me to New York. She stayed with me and a couple of weeks later Patrick was born.” Justin stopped at that bomb.

“So not only were you guys hiding that you were together, but you were hiding that I have a BROTHER too?” I ask, getting pissed and wanting to get the hell away from them.

“Actually I came to Pittsburgh that summer to get you since I couldn’t get Mel to agree to let you near Lindsay or Patrick. Your dad and I finally agreed that you shouldn’t be left in the dark about what was going on.” Justin tells me.

“Mel knew?” I ask, wondering what the hell was wrong with my family.

“She knew the baby was born but didn’t want to know anything else from me. She was pissed that I sided with Lindsay on this. After what you said I didn’t want to make it worse for you by introducing you to Patrick and seeing Lindsay.” Justin tells me.

“I wanted my mom, and you were saying it was okay that she left me,” I tell Justin.

“She wasn’t in any condition to be your mother,” Dad tells me.

“What about good old Patrick, is she a good mother to him?” I ask, throwing as much sarcasm as I could out there.

“She doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s hers. She didn’t hold him and she treats him as if he is a stranger to her. Patrick knows she’s his birth mother and also knows she isn’t going to be a mother to him. Patrick doesn’t see her as more than a stranger uninterested in him.” Justin tells me.

“Does he know about me?” I ask.

“Yes. But he also doesn’t want anything to do with you, because of the way you hurt Justin.” My dad tells me.

“What about you?” I ask Dad.

“Justin and I were together by the time he started talking. It took me a while to agree to be a father again.” Dad says, looking at Justin.

“I needed time, not you,” Justin told him.

“So you guys got back together and no one knew about it?” I ask.

“Deb knows, but she understands why we didn’t want to deal with everyone else knowing,” Justin tells me.

“What about Michael? Even though you two stopped talking it’s not like this isn’t going to turn into a drama again.” I remind them.

“How did I not know you and Brian were together?” Ian asks them.

“I guess because we got so used to keeping our personal life private,” Justin tells him.

“Tell the truth. We both knew how Gus felt and I wasn’t willing to let him treat you like shit again.” Dad says, looking at me.

“I regretted it you know, what I said,” I tell Justin.

“No apologies or regrets, Gus. I have always loved you, even when you couldn’t love me.” Justin tells me.

I got up and went to Justin, needing to do something I’d missed since the day I told him I hated him. Justin didn’t even hesitate, he just stood up and put his arms around me, and it felt like I’d finally found the missing part of me.