Thinking back on the day my world crashed around me, it had more to do with the mess I was dealing with and the fact that Brian had been pissed when I told him I was going to adopt Patrick. He didn’t get why I felt like I had to be involved, and in truth, he wasn’t ready to be a father again, at least not to a child he saw as hurting his son. It led to a fight worse than we’d ever had before. 

Brian hadn’t been happy with me for not staying in touch with Gus. It wasn’t because I didn’t love Gus. I felt like shit that I was helping Lindsay, which left Gus struggling to deal with the loss of his mother. She wasn’t in any shape to be a mother to anyone and still isn’t. But at the time Brian was angry about more than just me planning to take on a responsibility that wasn’t mine. He was angry that once again my life wasn’t going the way he thought it should. In Brian’s mind the only reason I should be anywhere that he wasn’t was to become the big fucking success he let me go to be. So when I blindsided him with Patrick, his reaction was pretty much what I knew it would be. The argument got worse because he brought up Michael, which Brian had no way of knowing would push me over the edge. He didn’t know what had been going on. Once again, that was my fault for not wanting to fight with him. 

“What the fuck are you thinking, or are you even thinking?” Brian asked.

“I’m thinking the baby is going to have no one unless someone is willing to step up and be there,” I told him, not really caring about what he thought.

“How is that your fucking problem? Look, I get that we’re both worried about Lindsay, but you’re building your career, which means you don’t need to add this to the list of shit you don’t have time for.” Brian said, completely lost as to why I would even consider this. 

“He has no one, Brian, not one person willing to give him what he needs in life. Lindsay doesn’t even act as if he exists, Sam doesn’t want anything to do with him, and Lindsay’s family isn’t a family I would wish on any child.” I said, trying to get him to understand.

“What do you expect me to do?” Brian asked me.

“I don’t expect you to do anything, it’s something I need to do,” I told him.

“What the fuck do you mean you don’t expect me to do anything?” Brian asked, sounding strange.

“Just because I want to be a father doesn’t mean I expect you to be one. Gus needs you now that Lindsay can’t be there for him, and I don’t want Gus to be hurt, or you to resent Patrick for being in the position he had nothing to do with and will hurt Gus by existing.” I hedged.

“If I want another child and possibly one day could when we decide. But not because you once again let our fucking friends problems become yours. This isn’t something you need right now, not with all the other things on your plate.” Brian said, likely trying to be the voice of reason only to ruin it with the next sentence. “Mikey mentioned you’re ignoring the comic, which should be more important than a baby that really isn’t your problem.” Brian had no clue that was the wrong thing to say since I’d been keeping what Michael sent from him.

“Oh shit, you’re right. Let me just leave a baby out in the cold since it’s interfering with what Mikey wants,” I said as sarcastically as I could.

“Jesus Justin, that’s not what I meant. I’m just trying to get you to see that right now a baby doesn’t fit into your life. You’re just starting out here, and at least Mikey’s trying to make sure you can support yourself. So don’t shit on him because I’m not jumping up and down that you can’t see this isn’t something you should be doing right now.” Brian told me.

“I forgot. Silly me, unless it fits with what Mikey needs and what you think is right for me, then nothing I actually want matters!” I yelled.

“It matters to me, but what you want to do will hurt Gus, you’re right about that. He’s already dealing with Lindsay’s disappearance and the fact that you aren’t around the way you used to be. Don’t add to it by taking on the baby that caused everything in Gus’s life to be turned upside down.” Brian told me.

“Patrick needs someone; Sam’s not interested and Lindsay acts like he doesn’t exist,” I tell him again, trying to get him to understand.

“Then her family can deal with it. It’s not your responsibility,” Brian told me, brushing off what I said earlier. At that moment I didn’t like Brian for his callous attitude about Patrick’s life. It didn’t matter to me that he was thinking of me, just that the baby I loved wasn’t as important to him.

“I don’t see Patrick as my responsibility but as a baby who needs to be loved by someone who won’t treat him like that’s all his is- a responsibility that no one wants,” I told him.

“I can’t support you in this, it wasn’t what we talked about when we talked about you coming here,” Brian told me.

“Then I guess we’ve finally reached the end. I wasn’t asking you to do anything but understand that I want Patrick to know he’s loved,” I told him.

“Justin, that’s not what I meant,”

“It’s what you said,” I told him, hating that phrase.

Brian left and didn’t call me for a few weeks. When he did, he explained that he couldn’t do anything that could hurt Gus, and while he didn’t want to lose me, he couldn’t get attached to the baby that was tearing his son’s life into pieces. We tried, but I couldn’t live a life where Patrick was a forbidden topic. Which led to me pushing Emmett out of my life, as well as Ted. Deb, on the other hand, wasn’t willing to treat Patrick like he wasn’t the treasure he was. She called, angry at me when I told her I didn’t have time for her. Instead, she showed up at my door and demanded an explanation for shutting her out. Which was answered when Patrick wailed at her shouting. Deb walked over, looking down at him, then demanding an explanation. I told her as much as I could without explaining where Lindsay was. She was quiet as I explained what happened with Brian and me. I left out the part about Michael because I hadn’t told Brian.

“Justin, how long have you known Brian?” Deb asked, confusing me.

“Six years, why?” I asked her.

“Because I’m starting to wonder if you bothered to pay attention to him. Brian might not have been happy about what you wanted to do, but it was more because he doesn’t want you running yourself into the ground the way you did when you worked three jobs. A baby is a big responsibility, and something you have to throw your whole life into. Which means less time for the things you came here to do. It would also mean that once again he’s losing you to something else, and while he stood behind you when you agreed to coming here instead of getting married, he wasn’t thrilled but willing to do it so you could have a chance at being the brilliant artist we all know you are.” Deb told me, which though hard to hear made sense when she said it.

“I love both of them, but the idea of Patrick being abandoned, it just twisted my heart since I know what it feels like,” I told her, hoping she’d understand.

“Of course. But you have to understand that with everything going on with Gus, Brian might feel like he’s losing you too. Mel’s pissed at both Brian and you for not siding with her, and again is taking it out on Brian. It’s not right and It’s taking everything Michael can do to get her to let Brian see Gus.” She said, not realizing the shit Michael did to Lindsay. And I couldn’t say anything since I didn’t want to fight with Deb.

Deb didn’t blame Lindsay for not wanting her child, but she was upset that it was hurting Jenny and causing issues with Mel for all of them. I didn’t want Deb to end up in trouble with Mel, and at the time thought it would work out once Lindsay got some help. Deb was willing to come and help when I needed her, and between her and my mother, they managed to keep Patrick a secret from the others. Deb kept trying to get me to make peace with everyone, but my life traveled further and further away from the gang. I no longer knew how to get them to understand my rejection when it was really just about wanting nothing to do with Michael and not wanting to put them in the middle of Mel and Lindsay’s problems.

Brian and I reached a truce when it came to Patrick. I didn’t push him to accept Patrick as a part of our relationship, but eventually it just got to me, the way Brian would look disinterested in anything to do with Patrick’s life. I wanted a break, and when I offered it to Brian, he almost seemed relieved that I offered him an out. What I didn’t know was that Ben and Michael were in the midst of their own issues and broke up when Ben found someone who didn’t treat him like the third in their relationship. Brian devoted his time to helping Michael though Ben leaving him for another man, and I tried not to let it bother me that Brian would rather be out partying with Michael instead of dealing with Lindsay and my problems.

I couldn’t help feeling like it was my fault at first that Brian slept with Michael. And in a way, maybe it was since I told him I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him to figure out that my loving Patrick didn’t mean I loved him any less. I wish I’d been able to listen to him when he called that night, but all I could see was my nightmare coming true, Brian finally gave Michael his fourteen-year-old dream. And while I knew Brian could separate himself from sex, it just didn’t work when it was Michael. He has feelings for Michael, they’d known each other all their lives. Which wasn’t the same as the nameless, faceless people we had agreed on. We were both still tricking, which wasn’t a problem, it was just none of them were people we’d see again for the rest of our lives. Brian slowed down, but like me, we both needed sex and didn’t have a problem with getting our needs met. 

So when Brian called and seemed upset, saying he had to tell me about a trick, then told me it was Michael, I stopped listening. I didn’t care that Brian was worried about it affecting his friendship with Michael, since he said over and over it was a stupid drunken mistake on his part. I couldn’t get past the fact that Michael finally got what he wanted from Brian, and I knew that he’d make sure I knew it. It was like he was taking the part of Brian from me that he couldn’t have, and I reacted like the jealous idiot that Michael was so famous for being. I hung up on Brian and changed my number. Not willing to see or speak to Brian, because it hurt in a way nothing in my life had hurt me before.

Patrick could sense something was different, possibly because it was harder to smile when I felt like my life was ending. It wasn’t until Mel called that my anger took over. She was angry at me because Michael wanted Jenny to live with him and somehow blamed me because Brian and I broke up, leaving him to help Michael. I didn’t know or care about her problems but I did care about Jenny. I picked up the phone and called Kinnetik, asking to speak to Brian. I expected him to tell me to mind my own business, but instead, he sounded tired and at his wit's end.

“I don’t care what she thinks, I won’t support Michael when he can’t even get his life together. Between dealing with Gus, and Michael’s tantrums...” Brian said, stopping like he wasn’t sure what he could tell me.

“What do you mean Gus?” I asked.

“Michael’s got Gus convinced that he and I should at least try, but shit… you just can’t love someone unless you do,” Brian told me.

“Then explain it to Gus, that you don’t want Michael the way Michael wants you,” I said, trying not to fight with Brian when he sounded like he needed a friend.

“It’s hard for Gus to understand when Michael moved in with us. Gus thinks we live this perfect family life, even though I don’t pretend with them. I can’t do it, there’s only one person I love and it’s never going to be Michael, no matter what Gus thinks right now,” Brian told me.

“You moved him into my house?” I asked, hating the house I had loved when Brian showed it to me.

“What was I supposed to do? Gus couldn’t live with me in the loft, and Deb was done letting Michael stay with her. I offered to let him stay until he got on his feet,” Brian said, trying to explain it.

“Has he?” I asked.

“After this week, I honestly don’t care. I’m tired, Justin. I want to find a way past the shit I did, and figure US out,” Brian said, sounding completely unlike himself.

“I don’t know how to do that, I can’t let Patrick get hurt and I don’t know how not to let it hurt Gus. The only thing I do know is the house isn’t ever going to be my home, now that Michael’s lived in it,” I told him.

“What are you saying, that you can’t forgive me?” Brian asked.

“I’m saying I can’t be the man you were when you forgave me. For some reason, I can’t get past it being Michael.” I told him, wishing I could.

“I’m willing to try with Patrick, and I want Gus to know he has a brother,” Brian told me, making me feel like shit for my feelings.

“Mel doesn’t want Gus near Patrick,” I told him.

“She doesn’t get a say in my time with Gus. She knows she’d lose if I fought her.” Brian told me.

“I’d like to see Gus,” I told him, knowing we needed to help Gus deal with Patrick.

At that point, I didn’t know how far into Gus’s head Michael had sold his idea of them being the perfect, happy family. When I showed up at Deb’s house the only ones happy to see me were Deb and Carl. I didn’t blame Emmett or Ted for the cold shoulders, it wasn’t like I’d done anything to repair the relationships I had with them. What hurt was the look on Michael’s face as Gus stared angrily at me. Brian stood stunned when Gus announced that his father and Michael were now a couple and it made Gus happy to finally get me out of his life.

“Gus!” Deb shouted.

“No. I want him gone, my dad and I are better off with Michael in our lives. I wish you were dead so we wouldn’t have to deal with you. In fact, why don’t you just disappear like you did to my dad every time he didn’t bow down to what you wanted,” Gus said, looking disgusted with me.

“You don’t mean that. Sunshine loves you.” Deb said as Michael stood there smirking.

“Yes, I do. He’s done nothing but take from us and gives nothing in return.” Gus said, sounding like Michael.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll leave,” I said quietly to Gus.

“Pretend I don’t exist, since I’m planning to do the same thing.” He told me turning and going to Brian and Michael.

Brian couldn’t move or say anything, he just stood there shocked. Michael smiled down at Gus, then looked at me like he was so sorry for everything, when I knew he wasn’t. I ignored Michael and hugged Gus, letting it be enough if he really never wanted to see me again. 

Which only gave Michael the opportunity to pretend for everyone. “You had to know that eventually Brian and I were always supposed to be together. I wish we didn’t have to hurt you, but Gus deserves someone who can love him the way you can’t.”

“Won’t Michael. I don’t use people to get what I want.” I said before walking out of the yard.

I needed to get away from everything and decided to go to Italy. I wanted to start new memories for Patrick and myself. I’d been slowly gaining a career as an artist and was making enough money to do things with my son. For some reason I wanted Deb to show me the places she and Vic went to so when I called she was thrilled to be invited. She didn’t say much other than it was time I tried to forgive Brian for trying to help everyone. She knew Brian didn’t feel the same way Michael did and wanted us to find a way back to each other. She was right, I’d never really been happy without Brian but I didn’t know if I had it in me to try again when we both seemed to fail so often. 

It didn’t matter what Gus said, no matter how much it had hurt me, I made sure he always knew I thought of him. I sent him something when it reminded me of him. Gus continued to ignore me but kept everything I sent him. So I let it be enough for me. 

It wasn’t until Patrick took his first steps, that I didn’t even think, I just sent Brian the video, wanting to share it with him. Brian didn’t respond back, and I let it go. Until three in the morning when Brian was standing at my door looking disheveled.

“He’s walking,” Brian said sounding proud of Patrick.

“He called me Dada too,” I tell Brian, since I missed recording that when I scrambled to get the phone to record him.

“I’m sorry I missed that,” Brian told me, as I let him in.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, when my brain caught up to the fact that Brian was standing there.

“I was seeing Gus, while Michael moved out of the house. Instead of going back, I wanted to see Patrick and you.” He told me.

“How is… I mean how are you?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know.

“Dealing with a lot of shit, but I’m more interested in how you’ve been.” He told me.

“Lindsay’s getting better, she doesn’t talk as much about me as if I was seventeen,” I told him.

“The doctor said she still reverts when I’m brought up,” Brian said, which was true.

“She still acts like Patrick is a stranger. I mean, she’s nice to him, but she gets confused as to why I have him around me.” I tell him, feeling good that I can talk about it.

“Do you think it’s good for Patrick to be around her?” Brian asked.

“I don’t plan to hide who she is from him, but hope when he asks he’ll understand about her,” I told him.

“But until then, why subject Patrick to her?” Brian asked, which told me how far apart we’d been.

“I can’t just leave Patrick somewhere. I’m a single parent. Which means Patrick has to come with me when they call about Lindsay having a bad day.” I told him.

“Is she having them often?” Brian asked.

“About once or twice a month, so I make plans to go see her the next day or so,” I told him.

“Then call me and I’ll come and stay with Patrick,” Brian tells me.

“You don’t even know him,” I argued.

“And I won’t unless you let me,” Brian told me.

“I need to get to bed,” I told him, wanting to think about the generous offer. Brian sighed, getting up as if I told him to leave. “Stay. You look like you need to talk too, but I’m ready to drop and we can talk in the morning while Patrick gets to know you.” I said, leading him to my room.

We both ended up asleep as soon as we got in bed. I woke up surrounded by Brian. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to get up. Patrick made that decision for us, singing in his crib waking Brian up.

“What’s he singing?” Brian asked.

“I don’t have a clue since it’s mostly babble,” I told him, smiling when I heard Dada repeated over and over again.

Brian followed me into Patrick’s room, smiling when the baby peered at him. I really looked at Patrick next to Brian and wondered what Brian saw when he looked at my curly headed, brown-eyed little boy. What I saw was something I’d only seen the first night Brian and I met, Brian in love. Patrick shared the emotion by opening his arms to let Brian pick him up. From that day on Patrick just accepted the love Brian willingly gave him. 

Brian and I talked when Patrick was taking a nap and I wasn’t sure what to make of the whole situation. When I’d last seen Gus he was on team ‘Mikey’.

“Gus is pissed at Michael and Jenny,” Brian said staring out the window.

“Why?” I asked.

“When Michael painted this picture perfect family for Gus and Jenny, he forgot it meant playing father of the year to Gus. Instead, he started getting angry at any time I wanted to spend alone with Gus. He expected me to let Jenny call me Dad, and when I told him I didn’t see any reason for it, he blamed Gus. Which is what he told Jenny. It had her blaming both Gus and me when I told Michael that if he wanted custody of Jenny he needed to get his shit together and find a place to live. He also needed a way to make the comic shop more profitable to support his daughter. Jenny listened to Michael rant about how Gus got more than she did and it was unfair that he supported Gus, but I wouldn’t support Jenny. I explained that the only person I would support is the man I shared my life with, and that wasn’t Michael. It all came to a head when it was time for them to go home for the summer. I told Michael to find a place to live, because the house was going to be sold. Gus was relieved and so was I. Living with Michael…” Brian shook his head like he wished it never happened. “Jenny was upset and told Gus it wasn’t fair that Michael treated him like a son when I wouldn’t do the same for her. Gus exploded and told her that Michael never treated him like you did. Which had me taking Gus out of the house since it was that or kill Michael for telling Gus that you only pretended that you gave a shit to get close to me. When I got back, Michael was throwing Gus’s stuff out of the house and Jenny apologized, looking scared because of what Michael was doing. I took the kids to Deb’s and came back and told Michael to get out and gave him until I got back to be gone from the house.” He told me.

“Do you think he’s really going to go?” I asked.

“Carl called me to let me know he’s making sure Michael is gone before I get back,” Brian told me.

“Did you just say you were going to sell it to get Michael out?” I asked.

“You won’t live there, so yes, and I plan to buy a place here,” Brian told me.

“How would that work? Kinnetik is still in Pittsburgh.” I reminded him.

“It’s also at a point where we can open an office here. Most of my clients are from all over, not just Pittsburgh. I’ve always wanted to live here, you know that.” He told me.

“Then what?” I asked, wishing I knew.

“We work on seeing if we can move forward with each other,” Brian told me.

“Don’t take this as I don’t want us to, but it’s like every time we try, we fail. I can’t do that with Patrick in my life.” I told him.

“You were my first relationship, and like anyone else, we screwed up,” Brian told me.

“Maybe that’s the problem, you never had a relationship before me,” I told him.

“I think we are both old enough to know how to do it better,” Brian told me.

“Or maybe we need to see if it’s just us, or if other people are who we were meant to be with,” I told him.

Here’s part of one of my stupidest ideas. I thought Brian should try other relationships, since I was the only one he ever had, besides friends. Brian rolled his eyes and agreed, and dated some guys that only lasted a few weeks before he came and told me everything wrong with them. They snored, they wanted romance, they thought they had bragging rights since they saw him more than once, and the last one was, they weren’t me. So I stopped being an idiot and stopped denying that no one was him for me either. Which wasn’t to say we didn’t still see other people. Just that we no longer pretended they were relationships, just tricking. I know people didn’t get open relationships, but for us, it worked, because at the end of the day we came home to each other. We closed off our relationship eventually, just because neither of us wanted to do it anymore.

It still left us with the problem of how to deal with Gus. It’s why Brian bought a place, not a big one, but one where Gus could come over without us having to explain it to him. I ended up moving into a house Brian bought with the money from the house we sold. It was ours, and he pretty much stayed with us, to the point he had to hire someone to keep his apartment from looking abandoned. Gus still wanted nothing to do with me, and my life became about raising Patrick, and not wanting to be hurt by Gus if he still rejected me. It’s why, when Ian wanted to introduce me to the guy he’d moved in with I tried to act like seeing Gus wasn’t bleeding me. I had no idea that Ian had even been seeing anyone, and it made sense since I hadn’t really shared my personal life with Ian either. Ian wasn’t a friend I saw often and when Brian joked about Gus falling in love with a shrink, I didn’t connect it.

After Ian introduced us, I walked off as if I didn’t care one way or the other about meeting Ian’s boyfriend. I went and found Patrick and smiled as pictures were taken of us. Leaving Gus standing there looking upset. Ian came after me, angry at the way I treated Gus, but I simply said it was none of his business. I called Brian to tell him what happened, and for a couple of weeks assumed Gus was fine, since Ian had been trying to handle it himself and only called Brian when he was planning to move out.

“Dad said you picked this apartment,” Gus said, breaking me away from my thoughts of the past.

“He called when you planned to come here and wanted to make sure you didn’t live somewhere he didn’t think was safe,” I tell him, willing to talk about anything since Gus was trying.

“I feel like I don’t know anything I thought I knew,” Gus says, looking at Ian lost.

“I can try to clear up some of it, but it was a mess at the time. I couldn’t figure out what to tell you without hurting you.” Brian tells him.

BRIAN

“Before you do, I need to know Gus is okay,” Ian tells us, walking out of the room with Gus.

Seeing that made me happy. Knowing my son found someone like Ian to share his life with. I didn’t balk when Gus showed up at Kinnetik one day to tell me he was in love. Mel hadn’t been thrilled, practically shouting that Gus was too young to know what he wanted. Mel demanded I explain to Gus his priority should only be school and not a relationship that wouldn’t work out in the end. She made sure to remind me that in the end Justin and I didn’t make it either. Then went into a rant about how, if I hadn’t brought Justin into our lives, her life would have been different. I loved how at one time Mel was Justin’s biggest supporter, but the minute he did something she didn’t like, she dumped him the way she dumped Lindsay both times. She wanted me to tell Gus that he couldn’t move anyone in, and if he did, then he wouldn’t get any support from either of us. I told her to go fuck herself if she expected me to put conditions on Gus. 

I called Justin telling him about Mel’s demands. He laughed, saying he was already on Mel’s shitlist and would not only pay for Gus’s college but his apartment, then begging me to let him, since he didn’t doubt I was going to take care of Gus. Gus showed up at my office telling me everything about perfect Ian. I really didn’t need to hear that much about Gus’ love life, and when he finished I told him good luck with Ian and made plans to meet the man my son loved. Mel didn’t get it, because she took what happened to me and Justin as proof that Justin and I hadn’t a clue what love was. We knew, since neither of us could ever love anyone else the way we loved each other.

Unlike her, I met Ian with an open mind and didn’t care about the age difference. What I saw was that Ian treated Gus as an adult. He also wasn’t willing to let Gus give up opportunities for him, but unlike me, he didn’t tell Gus what to do, but let Gus do what he wanted. Gus’ friends were welcome around and when they all wanted to go on a trip to party, Ian invited his sister and did things with her when he wasn’t interested in what Gus’ friends wanted to do. Gus, on the other hand, started to take college more seriously and spent most of his time home with Ian, instead of going out with the friends who were still trying to find themselves. They made sense, the way Justin and I did, so I welcomed Ian into my family. I didn’t know Justin knew Ian, but only because Justin never really talked much about the people he met in New York. When we spent time together it was more about us and Patrick then anyone else. He still didn’t like crowds or being around too many people, so while he had friends, none of them were like he was with Daphne. Daphne became busy with her life, and while they still talked, they weren’t in each other’s pockets, just shared information about their lives.

Gus came back with Ian, looking relaxed and sat next to Justin, as if he was trying to make up for years of loss.

“Ian and I talked about it, and if you don’t feel like telling me, then it’s okay, but I’d like to meet my brother, see my mother, and hope Justin will let me try to make up for the shit I did,” Gus tells us.

“Gus, you don’t have to make up for anything, you didn’t know anything but that you were hurt,” Justin tells him.

“I knew you loved me, but instead I listened to Michael.” He tells Justin. 

God, what a mess my life became, trying to make my son happy, dealing with not knowing if Justin could forgive me, and Michael. The moment Michael started acting like we were going to be in a relationship, I figured out why no one wanted to stay with him long term. Michael was needy in a way that as his friend I never had to deal with. I figured out that I didn’t like Michael much when he clung to me like I had to make every decision in order for him to do even normal things no one puts any real thought into. I didn’t blame Ben for walking when he did, because Michael came close to me kicking his ass out at least five times a day. When Justin left for New York, it was like all Lindsay and Michael could think about was the past. Lindsay’s mind reverted back and Michael never seemed to see our lives changed.

“I’ll start with your mother. When Justin called me, and I showed up to find out what was wrong, I didn’t even recognize her. I felt like it was my fault since I didn’t check on her or you when you moved. I should have ignored Mel, and been there. Mel wanted a chance for you guys to get settled, and I was busy, which isn’t an excuse but it was what I said to myself when I called instead of visiting. Michael and Ben acted like everything was fine and I let it be enough for me. Only, they didn’t tell me Lindsay was pregnant and didn’t tell us that Mel was treating her the way she was. I had no clue that Michael was grooming you, or that Ben was unhappy and finding some else he’d rather be with. When I saw your mother, I knew you didn’t need to see her when she probably wouldn’t even know who you were. Justin and I found a place for her to get help, and I backed off when seeing me caused her more harm than good.” I tell him.

“Is that why you started visiting and Mama was angry at you?” Gus asked.

“I didn’t want you to think you’d lost me too. When Michael wanted to visit I came with him, because I didn’t want you to feel like Jenny got her father and you didn’t. While we were doing that, Ben and Michael started spending more time apart and eventually they just gave up. Michael went from acting like his life with Ben was perfect, to trying to recreate our lives as if Justin and Ben never existed. I wasn’t thinking about anything but the way Justin seemed to treat me like I wasn’t as necessary to him as I felt he was to me. So we partied, drank, and pretty much acted like we were still those twenty-year-old club boys we once were. Ted and Emmett joined in, which only helped Ted fall off the wagon, and Emmett to lose the new relationship he started with the guy from his hometown. Blake ended up leaving when Ted got pissed at Blake for daring to suggest he needed to stop drinking. Michael and I slept together, and to Michael it meant something it never could for me, because the only person I love is Justin.” I tell him.

“Why didn’t you say something when I said all those horrible things to Justin?” He asks me.

I closed my eyes because this was the hardest part for me. I had knocked Michael on his ass for the same thing, but would never lay a hand on my child. “You said you wished Justin was dead,” I tell him.

“Shit, I didn’t even think about that,” Justin said, pulling me to him.

“I don’t understand,” Gus tells us, which he wouldn’t, he was too young to know about Justin and there was never a reason to tell him.

“Justin almost died and I saw it happen. You said what you did, not knowing that I still have flashbacks to that night.” I tell him.

“A classmate tried to kill me, no matter what he says. Your father made my night by showing up for my prom and it ended with a bat swinging at my head. I don’t remember much else but your father was there trying to keep me from bleeding to death.” Justin tells him.

“Good God, did the guy end up getting caught?” Ian asked looking horrified.

“Yeah, but in the end, he got off with simple assault. I went on with my life and he ended up at a dead end job when his family’s business folded.” Justin tells him.

“So when you said it, I froze, remembering the nightmare we lived through and how you couldn’t understand how close Justin came to what you said.” I tell him.

I moved on because I didn’t want to talk about how angry I was at Gus, something that reminded me of Jack. “Deb was ready to kill Michael, and Carl was ready to leave if Michael didn’t get out of the house, so I offered to let him stay and get his shit together. It wasn’t any attempt or want to be anything but the friends he agreed to be after what had happened that one night. Justin was still not talking to me, and I knew I needed time to figure out if either of us should keep trying. I wasn’t sure if I could love Patrick the way he deserved, and I couldn’t be with Justin if I didn’t. I left it alone when you sided with Michael but after the summer and the way he started treating you, I knew it was time for him to stop living in his fantasy world and  face reality.  After I dropped you off I went to see Justin, because I needed to know. He was still the only person I love, even when he didn’t trust me yet. The rest we figured out because neither of us found what we wanted with anyone but each other.” I tell him.

“What’s Patrick like?” Gus asks.

“He’s stubborn and willing to fight for what he believes in. He’s honest to the point it gets painful for anyone who doesn’t want to hear it. He’s willing to meet you, but won’t hold back on what he thinks about the way you treated Justin. He thinks you have every right to be angry at both of us  that you weren’t told the truth about Lindsay. He calls her Lindsay and won’t call her his mother, because he doesn’t see her that way.” I tell him.

“How does he see her?” Gus asks.

“As a lonely woman lost in her past.” Justin tells him.

“It doesn’t bother him?” Ian asks.

“He said she’s never been the woman I described to him, so he just didn’t feel the kind of link to her like Gus would. Plus, we’ve always been honest about what happened and why she did what was best when she let me adopt him.” Justin tells him.

“How did that work? She wouldn’t have been in any state to make that kind of decision.” Ian tells us.

“She wasn’t, but her family didn’t want the responsibility for anything so when I told them I wanted to adopt Patrick, they signed off immediately.” Justin tells him.

“What about Mama?” Gus asked.

“She wanted nothing to do with it and signed Lindsay’s POA over to them. Ron showed up, helped me adopt Patrick and then established Power of Attorney over Lindsay to me since Brian and I were willing to pay for the long term treatment. I also agreed they would be left alone.” Justin tells Gus.

“It’s hard not to be upset at both of you for lying about what happened to her, but I don’t know if telling me the truth would have been better either.” Gus tells us.

“Can I talk to her doctors? I’d rather know what Gus would be dealing with before he sees her.” Ian asks us.

“I’ll let them know they can speak to you. But Gus, please don’t let how she acts upset you.” Justin agrees.

“Okay. Even though I doubt I can promise you it won’t hurt me.” Gus tells him.

“What happened with Michael?” Ian asks.

“He started dating, trying to make me jealous, then an old boyfriend showed back up and Michael married him. He pretty much doesn’t talk to any of us, other than to remind us that he’s the only one happy.” Brian tells him.

“You think he’s only doing it to rub it in your face, kind of like, ‘look at what you could have had’?” Ian asks.

“I don’t care. He’s David’s problem, not mine.” I tell him.

“If he finds out about you and Justin do you think he would cause problems?” Gus asks.

“I’m sure he’d try, but he’s not part of my life enough to matter.” I tell Gus.

“Has he ever sent you anything else?” Ian asks.

“No, he got what he wanted.” Justin tells him.

“You and Brian apart, but that’s not true.” Ian tells him.

“For longer than we all knew.” Gus tells us.

“It won’t matter since I’ll be living here with Justin and plan to move Kinnetik here since Ted and Cynthia are tired of traveling back and forth.” I tell them.

“How did you keep it from them, and Emmett?” Gus asks.

“They know not to ask me anything because I won’t answer unless I want to answer.” I tell him.

“I miss Emmett.” Justin tells me.

“Then call him and tell him it’s time to talk. We aren’t going to keep acting like we’re doing anything wrong. Plus, I want to finally get married, and Emmett deserves to plan it since he almost ended up in China for our last wedding.” I joke, but I knew Emmett needed a change before he ended up a lonely old man with fifty cats.