Deb and I were both excited to see Lindsay and both wanted the opportunity to help if we could. Justin explained on the way, that unlike Gus’s visit, he hadn’t prepared Lindsay for us to see her. 

“Why not?” Gus asks.

“What she expected to see when she saw Gus, wasn’t going to happen. With you and Deb, while all of us have aged, the differences aren’t going to be as stark for her. She expects adults when it comes to you. Both of you still look like you always have in her mind, and her doctor and I think it will be better for her to deal with any differences on her own this time. She didn’t end up letting herself stay in the past but was willing to try hard to be able to see Gus as he is now. Hopefully this is something she can handle, but if she rejects you don’t take it personally, even when it will be hard not to,” Justin tells us.

“Do you think she will?” I ask.

“I think you’ve always been a good friend to her, and hopefully it’s what she remembers,” Justin tells me.

“With me?” Deb asks.

“Just make sure she knows your only here to support her,” Justin tells her.

“They didn’t stay ageless anymore than I did,” Gus jokes, when Deb looked upset.

“Do you think eventually Jenny could visit her?” Deb asks, swatting playfully at Gus.

“I honestly don't know, because she never brings up Jenny. I’d almost compare it to the way she ignores Patricks. Unless we can be sure of how it would affect Jenny, I’d rather not subject her to being hurt by Lindsay’s rejection,” Justin tells her.

“Jenny doesn’t need this right now. She has enough people in her life disappointing her. The last thing her self esteem needs is one more, even when my mother wouldn’t do it on purpose,” Gus pointedly says to all of us.

Nothing could have prepared me for seeing Lindsay. It didn’t matter that we knew what had happened, watching her having to remind herself over and over that it was Gus sitting next to her was gut wrenching. Justin looked happy that Lindsay didn’t wait for Gus to initiate contact, but did it herself. She walked straight over to him and held him as if she was making up for years of not being able to hold her child. 

With Deb, I could see Lindsay trying to remain calm, and in the past that she still lived in it made sense to me that she was wary of what Deb might say to her. With me, she tried to relax, and I refrained from the way I usually greet the people I love- with hugs and excitement. I hated the feeling that somehow I might have let her down, even not really knowing what was going on. The timid greeting Lindsay gave both Deb and me only made it worse on both of us.

“I… didn’t expect…” Lindsay stopped fidgeting with Gus hand, then tried again. “It’s nice… isn’t it?” She says, looking at Gus and Justin as if they could help her.

“I think it’s wonderful to see you. For us it’s been a long time of not having you in our lives,” Deb said, gripping my hand tightly trying not to upset Lindsay by letting her see that this was just as hard for her. 

“Brown not hazel… Justin explained… about me?” Lindsay manages.

“Enough that we understand why it would be hard for you to see me. I only want to say one thing, and if you want me to go, I will,” Deb says, waiting as Lindsay kept repeating Gus’s eye color, then finally nodded at Deb. “I love you and don’t blame any of the things that happened on you. I wish I could have been there to stop it all,” Deb says, not being able to hide the tears.

“We all do, and hope you’ll let us be some part of your world, no matter where it is,” I tell her.

“I miss your smile…” Lindsay says, really looking at me, instead of avoiding it. She took a second to look at Deb, then found her voice. “I don’t want you to go,” She says, returning her gaze to Gus’s hand as she repeated his eye color.

Justin put a hand under her chin, turning her to look at him. “Just like me, even when they’re sad they can be okay with it, just to be able to be around you. We need to give you more people who love you and support you, and make you see they aren’t going to hurt you.” He tells her.

Lindsay listened and seemed to take some strength from those words. “Talking isn’t easy for me… but I’d like to hear about you,” She says, sounding like she really wanted it.

“Well, as you know I have no problem talking your ear off,” I joke, loving the small laugh she gave us.

“Ian told me that the first time he met Emmett, he knew practically everything about him in minutes,” Gus tells her, smiling.

Lindsay laughed harder and then blushed before looking at me and howling. 

“Oh my god, even I didn’t know what to think that night,” I laugh with her.

“All of us were amused for days over that one,” Deb says, joining in.

“Are any of you planning to tell me?” Gus asks, looking at all of us laughing like hyenas.

“I can’t, he’s my baby,” Lindsay says, kissing Gus’s head.

“Let’s just say that I managed to make a guy howl while others in the house were sleeping. I thought maybe werewolves were real that night,” I tell him, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“I remember thinking I was glad I wouldn’t have to explain it to…” Lindsay says, stopping and repeating again, before moving away from finishing her thought. “Are you happy?” She asks instead.

“As much as anyone can be. I still haven’t found the one I want to spend my life with, but my babies keep me from dwelling on it,” I tell her.

“Babies?” Lindsay asks, confused.

“Brian acts like I’m turning into the cat lady, but how do you resist these faces?” I ask her, handing her my phone filled with my babies.

Lindsay sat quietly going through all of the pictures. At first I almost stopped her, since some of them contained things she wasn’t around to see. Lindsay stopped at one of my favorites of Gus and Ian. I remember thinking that I’d only seen the look the two of them gave each other in Brian and Justin. Gus was standing over Ian, unable to hide what Ian meant to him.

“I know you told me, but seeing how much you love him makes me happy,” Lindsay tells Gus.

“It reminded me of the way Brian always looked at Justin,” I tell her, having Justin look over her shoulder at the picture.

“Brian couldn’t hide it, even when he couldn’t admit it,” Deb tells us.

“I knew Peter could love, but he needed Justin to show him it didn’t have to hurt,” Lindsay says softly.

“Justin gives you the same thing, doesn’t he?” Gus asks.

“So did my Pet… Brian,” Lindsay says, looking at Justin.

“He still does,” Justin tells her.

“Brown, not hazel… he didn’t trust himself to be able to give Gus the kind of father he never had, but he loved our son and gave me you,” Lindsay says, looking at both Justin and Gus. Then Lindsay gave us a tired smile. “Thank you all for coming, but I need to get… no, it’s just too much right now,” Lindsay says, as if she’s battling herself.

“I’ll come back when I can,” Deb tells her, as Lindsay nodded at her, as if speaking was too much for her.

“I’ll be here planning the wedding we waited to have happen. Maybe you’d like to hear about it from me,” I tell her, receiving a nod before she kissed Gus and went to the nurse waiting for her.

GUS

Justin went to make sure my mother was okay, telling us he’d meet us at the car. He whispered to me that she won today, before we walked to the car. All I could think about was that my mother laughed, and feeling better about this visit because she didn’t try to escape into her past, just retreated when she knew she was about to. So we won again, and I could settle for less than a miracle, but still hope for one, without it hurting when it might never happen for her.

“I don’t know what I expected when I saw her, but she looks like they take really good care of her,” Deb says.

“Ian thinks highly of this place,” I tell them.

“So are we going to avoid the elephant in the room?” Emmett asks as we got in the car. 

I looked in the side mirror, relieved to see Justin coming. I took it as a sign that my mother was okay. Justin got in, started the car and sat there for a second, before giving us one of the smiles that earned him his nickname.

“She said she just needed to take a nap, and wanted to help Emmett with the wedding. She even asked if there was any way she could be there,” Justin says, sounding proud of her.

“I’ll find a way even if I have to build her a room, because we all need to see that love wins in the end,” Emmett tells us, letting go of what he was asking before Justin got back.

“Well let’s go see if Brian and Ian survived little Miss Melanie Misery,” Deb jokes, managing to get us all laughing again.

BRIAN

Patrick was once again making sure I worked hard to keep him fed. I kept thinking about what Ian asked me about Lindsay. Patrick was busy texting with his friends, leaving us to talk. 

“Why did you ask me about Lindsay having postpartum depression?” I ask.

“In most cases women who’ve had it once have it again, and sometimes it can be worse each time. She did what she needed to recover from it when she had Gus, but with Patrick she was also dealing with clinical depression. Which means postpartum would have been worse because she was already stressed out and likely not taking care of herself during the pregnancy.” He tells me.

“You think Dr Jacobs might have been treating the wrong thing?” I ask.

“Depression is depression, and the treatment is the same, but it also would need to be geared towards not just one problem but all the problems that bring it on. When you and she first met, what was she like?” He asks.

“She had highs and lows like all of us. I could tell she would get into a funk when she saw her family, but it was probably because they never supported her.” I tell him.

“I guess what I’m trying to get at is, did her highs or lows ever concern you?” Ian asks.

“Only when she let things go that were important, like school or some cause she was excited about but let go of after dealing with her family. She’d have her, what I used to joke about as her goth days, which just meant she would hide in her room and…” I stopped.

“Wanted to pretend you were Peter to her Wendy?” Ian asks.

“Pretty much. But after a day or two she’d be fine,” I tell him.

“I don’t get it,” Patrick tells us.

“Depression?” Ian asks.

“Yeah. I mean I’ve read about it, and while I get that it’s not fake, I just can’t imagine how someone could get that way,” He tells Ian.

“It depends on each person. For some people it’s easy to bounce back, because they know why they’re upset or feeling down and can find a way back from it. People who get what is considered clinical depression, start with one thing, then another and another, until they can’t find the way out. It’s like being in a room filled with doors, but every door in the room they’re stuck in only has another problem they don’t know how to find a way to overcome, in order to get out,” Ian tells him.

“You think that’s Lindsay’s problem?” Patrick asks.

“If she never got help, then yes. Just from what Gus has told me about Lindsay’s family could have led to that kind of problem for anyone. She had to live up to their exacting expectations of right and wrong. Something that means once she started questioning her sexuality, she couldn’t measure up to what they wanted. Like any child, she would have been trying to fit into the mold her family expected. When she couldn’t, it would cause her to view it as her own fault. Everyone wants love and approval, but a child would need it more, and willingly believe it was their fault when they couldn’t get what they needed. Her parents wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see that Lindsay needed help, since they wanted to project they were a perfect picture of a family. Likely, meeting Brian, who from what everyone says wasn’t conflicted about his sexuality and didn’t care what anyone thought, opened a door she once couldn’t find, because he was telling her it wasn’t wrong, the way she’d been told all her life. Don’t take this as me saying Dr Jacobs is wrong in anything he did, it’s just that when I treat someone with depression, knowing if there’s a history helps. We can help our patients with not just the immediate depression but the problems they never dealt with,” Ian tells us.

“Will she get better?” I ask, as Patrick got up, seeing Justin.

“It depends on her. Every door she gets through means she’s finding ways to cope, not just letting the problems linger. She'll always deal with depression, but half the battle is showing her how to deal with it. Unfortunately, there isn't a cure, depression will always be a part of her life, ” Ian tells me.

“I see you both came out without wounds,” Deb says, sitting down.

“I listened to Justin, and wasn’t going to let her sidetrack me by fighting with her,” I told her.

“So no bloody battles fought?” Emmett jokes.

“What did she tell you?” Gus asked Ian.

GUS

Ian didn’t laugh or smile at Emmett’s joke, which told me that whatever Mel had said to them wasn’t going to be something good for my relationship with her. I needed her to stop thinking about herself for once, which has always been my problem- wanting her to be someone she probably never was.

“She lost her job,” Ian tells Deb. 

“So Carl was right,” Deb says, not surprised.

“What am I supposed to do about it? If she thinks I'd ask Dad to help she's lost her mind,” I say. It was all I could come up with.

“I wish that was what we found out,” my dad comments.

“That bad?” Justin asks.

“Instead, she started out by trying to make us believe she only wanted you to convince Jenny to convert to Judaism in order to appease Mel's family,” Ian tells me.  

“Mel doesn’t even practice it, and even she knows I wouldn’t tell Jenny to do something unless she believes in it,” I said, before catching what Ian said. “Then what was she really hoping would happen?”

“I think she wanted us to believe her, so you wouldn’t be prepared and then she could then talk Jenny into thinking you were choosing our life over her. I offered the suggestion that you and I keep Jenny while she figures out what she is going to do, but all she wanted to do was convince me that Brian and Justin ruined her life,” Ian tells me. 

“By staying out of it we did good, didn’t we?” Justin asks sarcastically.

“So it doesn’t matter if what she does hurts Jenny or me? Just that Mel looks like she’s the only one Jenny can depend on. I can’t believe I’m even surprised by this, it’s what she did so I stopped being upset my mother wasn’t there, by getting me to believe my mother didn’t love me enough to stay,” I say, wondering how I could ever love this stranger.

“Now she has more fuel for the fire,” Patrick says, pointing at himself.

“If she thinks she does then I won’t stay out of it,” Justin says to my dad.

“Jenny isn’t going to believe her. Your love is the one thing she believes in the strongest. I know because you’re the only person she's never questioned me about loving her,” Deb tells me, looking sad. 

“We plan to try and get custody of her, not just keep her until Mel does whatever,” I tell her.

“Carl and I will be there to support you in any way we can,” Deb tells me.

MICHAEL 

I sat at the table faking every smile and laugh as David’s friend Thomas once again rolled his eyes when I brought up my store. 

“Michael, don’t you think it’s time for you to start a profitable endeavor? It would be better than what David kindly calls your ‘hobby’?” Thomas says, managing to make the others at the table think he was only saying it to help me. 

“Thomas, not everyone can be accomplished,” Henry says, kissing Thomas.

“Baby, I only want my followers to see that we can be successful if we just let go of childish dreams,” Thomas says, smiling at me sweetly.

I wanted to ask Thomas if sitting by the pool all day, thrilled when someone likes his youtube channel, was an accomplishment. David narrowed his eyes when I was going to say something, then got that pinched look on his face, warning me not insult Thomas, and in turn, Henry. I really didn’t get it at first, why David acted like we had to kiss Henry’s ass. Instead, I had to act like a sixty year old man and a thirty year old club boy were really the ‘it’ couple. I thought David came back to once again just reopen his practice. Nope. Instead, he went to work with other associates, with Henry owning it all. I thought it was stupid, until David told me he made more money since Henry was paying him, instead of him having to wait for insurance to pay out or patients to pay his bills. I didn’t question him again when he updated my comic store, and gave in when I asked him for a Jeep instead of sports car. Instead I sucked it up and played the same game with Thomas.  

“I'm really sorry, while I’m sure me and…” I say looking thoughtful. “your two hundred…” I stopped liking his petulant look, then finished, since Mel was calling again. “I’m sure even if the only followers are us, it’s important to hear it, but my daughter is just as important to me, so I’ll have to miss how your success could be all of ours,” I say, getting up to go to David’s office for privacy.

I let it ring as David followed me, having to pretend I didn’t knowingly insult the little shit. I put the phone on speaker in his office since David insists on hearing everything, saying it was better to know what people were saying when they didn’t know you were listening. I tuned Mel out, wishing I was anywhere but sitting around with a bunch of pretentious assholes who probably couldn’t have gotten into Babylon if it had been around in the stone ages. I went to my computer at the other side of the room and started looking up presents David could give me later.

I checked David’s reaction, and other than being annoyed as Mel droned on and on about Jenny or something, there was nothing for me to worry about. He was really annoyed at me because every time I had to talk to Mel or Jenny I faked a headache from worrying and didn’t return to his little gatherings. I was tired of everyone treating me like David could have done better than me. So he followed me this time, to stop me from trying to escape again. It was the most freedom I got these days from my small rebellions from David’s tyranny over my life. At first I could deal with it, because I had my memories of the night Brian wanted me, that I used to deal with David treating me like I owed him everything for taking me back. 

Brian could say whatever he wanted, but he wanted it just as much as I did that night. I didn’t even care that he barely touched me, or that apparently he suffers from whiskey dick just like the rest of the world. It was that one moment when I finally knew what it was like to have what he denied both of us for years. I didn’t let it matter that the rest didn’t live up to Brian’s reputation, or that the morning after he kept telling me it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again. I pretended to be just as concerned about how Brian would make Justin understand while thinking I finally got the part of Brian that fucking shithead twink kept from me. And in the end it got something I wanted from the beginning, getting Justin out of our lives.

“Are you even listening to me?!” Mel yelled. Which, no I wasn’t, so I had no clue what to say and went with what normally these calls were about.

“David isn’t going to budge, not when Jenny doesn’t respect him or appreciate that without him you wouldn’t get the support you get from me,” I tell her, figuring out I missed something when David shook his head.

“Let me say it again, since you weren’t listening. You will support me on this, because Gus will not get what he wants,” she shouts at me.

“What?” I have to ask, since David can’t tell me.

“To let Jenny live with them, while I figure out my life,” She tells me.

“I’m not hearing what the problem is,” I said, thinking of the possibilities that would open up for me. If Jenny was with Gus, then she’d see Brian, and at least be able to tell me why no one seemed to know anything about Brian’s life since he kicked me out. It was unheard of, the silence that surrounded his life. I realized Mel was still going and got to Gus’s perfect boyfriend.

“You know what Gus’s boyfriend rubbed into my face? That they wouldn’t need anything to support Jenny, implying that I did,” Mel says, sounding rather offended at the truth.

“It’s the truth, now more than ever. With you wanting to start over instead of staying at your high paying job. Oh wait, you told David you got fired. Why don’t you just admit that if Jenny stayed with them, you’d lose the gravy train David is willing to provide you,” I say, snickering when she started cursing.

“While I’d like nothing more than to not have to pay for the child you duped Michael into having and supporting, you better make sure Jenny doesn’t do what they want,” David says, standing next to me so Mel could hear it. I looked at David for answers since this wasn’t something he discussed with me. 

“I thought you were so sure that you won, but you aren’t, are you?” Mel taunts David.

“I’m sure Ben would love to tell Jenny the truth about you, so don’t test me, just to lose again,” David says, warning her. “Deal with her and get back to our guests,” David says to me, leaving the room.

I followed David out of the room, making sure he went back to his friends before asking what she thought she was doing testing David.

“Brave now that he isn’t listening aren’t you? I love how he thinks holding Ben over my head isn’t a double edged sword for him. I mean, imagine if Deb found out that you and David both told Hunter a hustler would always be one, no matter how you tried to clean him up. Get Ben involved and I’ll make sure everyone on Pittsburgh hears that one,” Mel says, laughing.

“Don’t forget you helped me to get Ben out of my life. It wasn’t all about me, you said Ben’s influence over Jenny would cause you problems, because he was threatening to tell everyone how you practically tortured your wife into leaving you. I’ll make sure everyone hears about that if you do anything to ruin what I married David to get,” I told her, only to realize she hung up on me.

I debated calling her back and telling her I’d get David to keep supporting her if she let Jenny stay with Gus. It was my chance to find a way back into Brian’s life. He has to see by now what he threw away. And if he did, then I wouldn’t have to put up with David anymore. I decided to wait and call Jenny to see what I could get out of her, only to almost run into Thomas in the hallway.

“Everything okay?” I ask, when he didn’t say anything.

“David needed another bottle of wine, and told me to tell you to fetch it,” Thomas says, making me sound like a dog, not David’s partner.

“What is your problem with me?” I ask, since David wasn’t here to act like I was wrong to say anything to Thomas.

“I don’t get what David found worth lowering himself to marry you,” Thomas says, smirking before heading back to the dining room.

I followed him into the hallway, pissed at how he talked to me in my house. If they wanted wine Thomas could go fetch it. He was eating the food from my table, enjoying the fucking wine David spends a fortune on to impress these assholes, and instead of being grateful to be invited, he was disrespecting me! How could he not see David should be thrilled that I was still interested now that he was no longer in his prime. I’m the one who had to take Viagra just so David could still believe somehow that he was anything compared to Brian Kinney. What do I get for putting up with everything but this loser making sound like I was nothing and nobody. What made it worse is I couldn’t say a word, because in David’s world I really was a fucking dog, but at least everyone else thinks I got the happy ending none of them did. That was enough for me to paste the smile back on and keep pretending until I reached one of my end goals. The thoughts of hanging on Brian’s arm, while Thomas was stuck with an old man, made it easier to smile through every insult that David enjoyed at my expense.