ONE MONTH BEFORE GUS IS BORN

Whoever invented baby showers must have hated Brian Kinney. Let me rephrase this. Whoever invented baby showers must have hated Ted Schmidt.

Debbie was throwing Lindsay a baby shower and Brian’s presence was requested. He really didn’t see why he was needed. Seriously why would they need him around while Lindsay opens her gifts and pretends to like them? Why was anyone needed for fucks’s sake. Yeah Lindsay liked an audience and Michael was missing his “best friend” but really couldn’t Debbie use her mom voice to shut them up instead of using it to get him to attend.

Brian parked his jeep a couple of houses down from Deb’s house and hurried towards the house. Now that he was almost there he wanted to get over with the ordeal.

“Move it Theodore”

“I’m coming!”

“That remains to be seen.”

Brian didn’t bother knocking on the door. He just walked in. After all, it was Deb’s house. Why would he knock?

The whole family was gathered in the living room. The latter was ‘Emmet decorated’ hence Lindsay’s pout. Did she really think Emmet and Deb were going to throw a Country Club kind of baby shower? If she wanted her baby shower to be waspish she should have asked Mother Petersen to organize it. Come to think about it, she probably asked her mother for a shower but the ice queen, for all her coldness and hypocrisy, wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t going to give Lindsay an opportunity to rub her pregnancy in Lynette’s face. Why allow Lindsay to screw with Lynette when Deb was already allowing her to screw with Melanie? After all, Melanie had willingly started and stayed in a relationship with Lindsay while Lynette was unlucky enough to be born to the same parents.

“You’re finally here! I can’t believe it!”

Michael threw himself on Brian as if he hadn’t seen him in a year.

“Can you believe it? I mean you guys are throwing the mothers of my son a baby shower and Deb personally called to delicately invite me! Why wouldn’t I come!”

“I mean I miss you so much! I am so happy you’re here tonight!”

“Well, Cynthia and Erin would love to miss you! Maybe you could let them!”

“Huh?!”

Ted and Melanie snickered while Michael was waiting for an explanation. The almost thirty-year-old comics geek wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. As Brian wasn’t apparently going to explain what he meant to his self-appointed best friend, Ted gladly took over.

“What Brian means is that you should stop calling the office fifty times a day. You’re getting on Cynthia’s last nerve.”

“No he doesn’t. I’m his best friend and I know he misses me. He doesn’t care about that bitch and what she thinks.”

Calling Cynthia a bitch was a big NO in Brian’s book.

“Well Mikey believe it or not I do care about Cynthia. And I don’t miss you. So stop calling me at the office before I block your number.”

Michael gave Brian his patented puppy eyes look. He still believed the poor-kicked-Mikey-dog trick worked on Brian. But Brian wasn’t planning on giving in anytime soon.

“You wouldn’t do it”, Michael challenged.

“Keep calling and we’ll see. Enough about that. Ems?”

Emmet was still styling the dining room table. The tall queen was a perfectionist.

“You bellowed?”

“Why don’t I see any picture of Mel here?”

Well that was a question no one was expecting; not even Emmett and Ted who know how close Melanie and Brian had become over the years.

“This is a baby shower for your kid’s mother Brian. It has nothing to do with Mel!” Michael said taking a huge bite of his foot.

“Last time I checked, Mel didn’t have a penis. I know because I was the one who jerked in a cup. Had Melanie had a penis, she would have fucked Lindsay and got her pregnant the WASP way. Without a penis, Mel can’t be the kid’s dad, which maker her the kid’s mother. Hence, my question: why is this shower all about Lindsay and not about both of my kid’s mothers?”

Lindsay was about to explode. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to be the kid’s mother. Well, Mel too was to be the kid’s mom but Brian wasn’t supposed to be this excited about it. Brian shouldn’t think of Mel as more than an unwanted glorified nanny. Brian should be fighting for her right to be the baby’s only mom. She wasn’t sitting there among those low life idiots, allowing Deb of all people to hover over her, and looking as big as whale to have to share her moment with fucking Mel.

Deb looked devastated and started crying.

“Oh my God Mel honey I’m so sorry. Of course you’re my grandbaby’s mom! How could I be so stupid.”

Michael decided it was time to deepthroat his foot.

“C’mon Ma! You don’t have to cry. I’m sure Melanie doesn’t care. It’s not like she really wants to be Brian’s baby mama.”

Before anyone had time to react, Deb had slapped her son on the head and was in his face.

“Shut your fucking mouth Michael. What Mel care about or wants is none of your business. Don’t say it!”

“What?”

“Don’t say that Brian is your business!”

“I wasn’t going to.”

The whole room erupted in laughter. Possessive Michael was predictable.

“But he is my business. I am his best friend and…”

The finger and Deb’s cow eyes were suddenly in his face. Even Michael knew to not brave the finger!

This whole thing was about to end in a bloodbath so Vic decided to steer the conversation away from the baby shower and towards the one thing everybody was excited about.

“So girls, have you decided on a name?”

“Not yet. We want Brian to help us decide.” Lindsay was quick to answer.

I least I tried, Vic thought.

“And we also should decide on a baptism date.”

The baptism was yet another tricky subject. Melanie was Jewish, Brian was neither a believer nor a practitioner, and Lindsay was a bitch.

“Isn’t it too early honey?”

“Not at all Deb. My parents need to know as soon as possible so they can clear the schedules.”

So Lindsay is having a bitch WASP attack, Ted thought.

“And I have to tell my sister too. She’s going to be godmother. Both her and her husband should to make sure they will be able to attend.”

Deb thought that was the first time she heard of a godmother who had to make sure she would be able to attend her godson or goddaughter’s baptism. It’s supposed to take precedence over anything else. But hey, what did she know about the Great Petersen’s and their busy schedules and fancy engagements.

Melanie didn’t want Lynette to be godmother. Not because she didn’t like the woman but because she knew Lindsay had picked her only to remind the poor woman that she couldn’t have kids of her own. But Melanie wasn’t stupid. When Lindsay mentioned she wanted her sister to be godmother, she told her she was happy for both sisters. “Linds I’m so happy for you”, she’d said! “You and your sister will be able to bond over our baby.”

“And who’s going to be godfather?”

“You don’t need to ask uncle Vic! It’s obvious who’s going to be godfather”, Michael boasted.

Brian and Melanie exchanged a look before Brian decided it would be better if he delivers the news.

“When Lindsay decided to ask her sister, Mel and I had a talk and we decided that since Lindsay got to choose the godmother, Mel and I get to choose the godfather. Ted I hope you have a suit worthy of being Baby Kinney’s godfather.”

One thing Ted never planned on was definitely being anyone godfather. But Ted’s shock was nothing compared to Michael’s.

“What the fuck Brian! How dare you?”

“I beg your fucking pardon!”

“I should be your kid’s godfather! I’m your best friend. I deserve it!”

What he actually deserved was the slap Deb promptly delivered on his empty head.

“Well Michael, I’m not famous for explaining myself so I am not going to start now. Ted is going to be my kid’s godfather. He’s one of both my and Mel’s best friends and he’s the one we both picked. Don’t say anything, you’re treading on very thin ice here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of here. I have an early flight to catch. Mel I’ll call you tomorrow. Deb, call me if you, and by you I mean either you or Vic, need anything. Ted, you can stay. I’m sure Emmy will give you gladly give you a gossip ride. Good evening dykes, ladies and gentlemen.”

The second the front door’s click was heard, Michael shot Ted’s an accusatory look.

“So you came with Brian?!”

“Would you shut the fuck up Michael?!”