Ben drove to Britin with a sense of excitement and trepidation. He was going to have J.R. for the whole weekend, something he'd never done before. He and Michael had her overnight but usually it was one night and often just for the day. He thought this would be the ultimate test to see if he really wanted to move forward with pushing for custody. In his heart he knew that he would do anything to be a full time parent to the young child and wasn't worried about his ability to care for her.
The bigger concern was the rest of the "family". After his discussion with Michael last night he had little doubt that Michael saw fatherhood as a way to hang out with Brian rather than a way to be with J.R. If Michael did not want to take on that responsibility, he wondered if he even had a chance to be a full time parent. There was also the legal issues. Did he even have a chance to push for custody in the eyes of the law?
Custody of J.R. was not the only issue. He was beginning to wonder whether he wanted to stay with Michael. Their relationship was already strained, each man having different priorities. Adding a child that one of them was not 100% committed to raising was an added stressor that he wasn't sure the marriage could withstand. If J.R.'s situation was different, he wondered if he'd be contemplating continuing his marriage.
Michael had been invited to Britin for dinner, but had told Ben he was busy with an event tomorrow at the store. Normally, any mention of seeing Brian would have had him jumping at the opportunity, but he thought Michael was still angry about having his daughter for the entire weekend when he'd planned on doing other activities. He'd told Ben earlier in the week that there was a signing at the store on Saturday and then he was planning on attending a special panel discussion the following day. They were supposed to have J.R. on Sunday afternoon and bring her to dinner at Deb's in the evening.
He would have liked to see Michael interact with J.R. for the whole weekend so he could judge Michael's commitment to custody, but he was happy to do it himself so he could judge his own ability to be with J.R. on an extended basis. He pulled into the circular driveway and parked the car at the far end. He wasn't sure if there were any other people coming to dinner, but he hoped that at least for part of the evening, he would be able to talk to Brian about the legal issues.
Ringing the doorbell,he stood in front of the large house and wondered what it would be like to come home to family each night. He remembered his own childhood, filled with family activities and sporting events. He and his brother played basketball and there were games and practices each week. He had always been interested in learning and had participated in the debate team in high school and was also on the literary magazine. As a young child, he remembered playing basketball with the neighborhood kids and complaining when the street lights came on since that meant he had to go home.
To this day, he still loved a pick up game and thought nostalgically about the time Michael interrupted him and his colleagues to insist that he go out with him. There had been such enthusiasm and playfulness between the two of them and now it seemed that they lead two separate lives, only coming together to attend a family dinner or have sex. He appreciated both activities, but thought there should be more to his marriage than a meal and a roll in the sheets.
Unfortunately, Michael didn't like to talk about their relationship. He'd attempted discussing his desire for them to branch out and participate in cultural activities or even recreational sports, but Michael had no desire to experience anything beyond what he was accustomed to doing. That meant their world revolved around going to Woody's or Babylon, eating at the diner, talking about comics and discussing the latest gossip with his small group of friends. While Ben had tried to get involved with their neighbors, Michael's limited exposure to culture or recreation and unwillingness to expand his horizons, left those possible friendships in the dust. The neighbors could talk about comics or the gay nightlife in the area occasionally; they did not want every encounter to be about those topics. Before he could get too caught up in his thoughts about his marriage, Justin answered the door.
"Ben, come on in. No Michael?" he said as he closed the door and waved Ben into the family room.
"No. He has a signing of some author at the store tomorrow and said he had to get things ready. It's just as well. I really wanted a chance to talk to Brian more about J.R. and I don't think Michael would have let us alone to do that," Ben said. He followed Justin into the family room where Brian was watching Colin crawl.
"When did he start crawling? The last time I was here he was still scooting on his belly. Last night he was in his high chair so I didn't really get to see much of him."
"He's been crawling for several months. His biggest challenge right now is that he is trying to stand up. He's 10 months old and the books say he might walk anywhere from 11 months to 14 months," Justin said as he delivered his information.
"Thank you for your latest piece of information on parenting, Justin. I don't know what I would do without you telling me the obvious, that our son is getting ready to walk," Brian said, tongue in cheek.
The three men watched Colin crawl to his toy block and then roll over to a sitting position where he proceeded to put it in his mouth.
"He puts everything in his mouth. Justin says all babies do that, but I say he's just practicing for when he gets older," Brian said, giving both men a smirk.
Justin gave him an exasperated look and didn't bother responding, understanding that his husband was teasing him about all the parenting books he read. He and Brian talked a lot about Colin and what he is supposed to be doing at his age. But to be fair, he started reading books about children Gus' age and what kinds of things they like to do as well as what to expect in many areas of their development. He wanted Gus to develop socially as well as academically. He understood that good parenting involved more than feeding and clothing the child. He remembered Brian's conversation from yesterday about bullying and wondered how long it would be until Gus asked them about the bashing.
Gus and J.R. come out of the media room adjacent to the living room and J.R. ran toward Ben to hug him. Ben bent down to hug her and the smile on his face showed how much he loved this little girl. Brian and Justin nod toward each other, silently acknowledging Ben's commitment to fatherhood. It's obvious that J.R. and he have a great relationship and she is comfortable with him.
"Daddy Ben, Uncle Brian picked me up from school today and Gus and I got to spend the whole afternoon together. It was so much fun. We didn't have to clean house or start dinner."
The three men winced at J.R.'s words, their hearts hurting for her loss of a carefree childhood. None of them wanted to call out her mothers, but each of them wanted to throttle them for using her as a maid and cook rather than letting her be the child she deserved.
"I bet Gus doesn't have to clean the house or put the dishes away," J.R. said, wanting confirmation that her brother's life was carefree.
"Actually, sis, I do have to put my dishes away and clean my room. I have to put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher after every meal and the dads make me keep my room clean and put away my laundry. I do have chores, but they are things to take care of myself. Daddy Justin says that I need to learn to be self sufficient since I won't always have someone to do things for me. Daddy Justin is teaching me to cook. My dad doesn't cook so before he met Daddy Justin, he ate take out all the time. Daddy Justin says that take out is fine every now and then but it isn't really healthy and if you eat takeout all the time, you don't get all the vitamins and stuff that you need to grow up."
Justin and Ben laughed at Gus's PSA and Brian rolled his eyes. "You are poisoning my son, Justin. Your constant PSA's have begun to twist his mind. We all know you love Thai food and your eating habits leave something to be desired. Oreo cookies are not a part of any food pyramid that I know," Brian said as he tried to refute Gus' PSA.
"What's a food pyramid?" J.R. asks, not really understanding the underlying message of the conversation.
The oven timer buzzed and the men looked toward the sound. "Seems that dinner is ready. Why don't we wash up and continue this in the kitchen? I think it's a great dinner discussion," Justin said as his stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly.
"The beast has spoken. Unless you want to see a grown man devour all the food, I suggest we take Justin's suggestion," Brian said as he went to pick up Colin who was busy trying to fit the entire block into his mouth. Brian took the soggy block and placed it on the light blue blanket that was lying on top of the hardwood floor. He picked up his son, gave him a kiss on the top of the head and said to him, "Colin, your father seems intent on discussing the merits of nutrition at the dinner table. This should be an exciting dinner topic." He knew that his young son had no idea what Brian was saying but he gurgled in delight at his father.
Brian placed Colin in his high chair and grabbed a wet wipe to clean his hands. "We must wash your hands since you were playing on the floor. Everyone walks on the floor and it's filled with germs. Always wash your food before you put it in your mouth." Brian continued his conversation with the baby, despite his not being old enough to understand anything. Justin had droned on and on about the importance of talking to Colin and explaining everything that they did with him and to him. Justin said that this was a way to build his vocabulary. He smiled to himself when he realized that this was one of many PSA's that Justin had spouted in their long relationship and he did actually listen to many of them.
As Brian took care of Colin, Justin set the table and plated the food. He placed it in bowls and platters on the stove so that each person could grab their own food. He liked this method better than putting it all on the table. The table did not get crowded and people were free to converse once they got their food instead of constantly being asked to pass this item or that platter.
Ben took care of supervising Gus and Jenny in the bathroom as they washed for dinner. Neither of the children really needed supervision, but he needed to wash as well and it was a good chance to interact with his daughter over this simple but important ritual. He noted that she washed her hands very thoroughly, easily spending 20-30 seconds on the task. He had sent her to wash up before meals when she stayed with them, but he didn't really remember ever watching her perform the task. He was happy to see that she was adept at the task. He remembered the conversation they had this morning when she informed him that Mel had ingrained in her that she should always wash up and get out of her pjs first thing in the morning. He admitted that the girls had done some appropriate parenting in the past. He was just saddened that at this point in time, they had literally dropped the ball.
Everyone returned to the kitchen and grabbed a plate off the table, taking it to the stove to get their food.
"J.R., let me get your food. You are still a little short to be reaching up to the stove. Come here and tell me what you want and I'll put it on your plate."
J.R. was relieved as she was unsure how she would manage getting her food as the stove was really high. She was afraid she would spill something or the platter would end up on the floor since she couldn't really see everything. She knew that if that happened at her house, there would be screaming and yelling and her mothers would tell her that food is expensive and she should be more careful.
"Thanks, Daddy Ben. It smells really good. What are we having?"
"Chicken and Rice with broccoli. We have salad too," Justin said. He had told Rosa, the cook to make something really simple since he wasn't sure what J.R. ate.
"Daddy Ben, I love chicken and rice and broccoli is okay. But I like salad if there is good dressing to go with it. Uncle Justin, what kind of salad dressing to you have?"
"We have Ranch, Honey Mustard, Balsamic Vinegar and Thousand Islands. Do you like any of those?" Justin said.
"Ranch," J.R. answered.
Ben prepared her plate and brought it to the table. She sat down and waited for everybody to join her. The rest of the family filled their own plates and made their salads and sat down.
"What is a food pyramid?" J.R. asked again. She had placed the idea in her head and wanted to know more.
"Do you know what a pyramid is?" Ben asked. He didn't often eat chicken, but was not going to ask for something different. He had taken a lot of salad and broccoli and a small amount of the chicken and rice. He needed the protein and knew Justin was a good cook so looked forward to eating the dish.
"Sure, we studied about them in school. They are really big triangle buildings in Egypt. They're made of stone and they are really old." J.R. took a bite of the rice and put her fork on her plate as she chewed.
"Good. Well a food pyramid is a breakdown of the foods you should eat every day. It is called a pyramid as it is a triangle. The idea is that the foods you should eat the most of are on the bottom and the foods that you should eat the least of are on the top. So when you stack them together, they make a pyramid shape. There are categories of healthy foods. Justin, do you have a piece of paper that I can use to illustrate? I think it would help." Ben took a bite of his rice, enjoying the taste of mushroom soup mixed in the casserole.
Justin got up and grabbed paper and pen and handed it to Ben. Ben drew a quick pyramid and labeled all the parts. "The bottom of the pyramid is your bread and pasta group and you should get 6-11 servings of this each day. The next layer is divided into two equal parts- fruits and vegetables and you should get 3-5 servings of veggies and 2-4 of fruit every day. The next layer is also divided into two sections. Cheese and milk, yogurt on one side and meat, fish and protein on the other. Both of these are 2-3 servings daily and the top of the pyramid is fats, oils and sweets. They don't put a number of servings here, but just say to use lightly." He pointed to each part of the pyramid as he talked. Putting down the paper in front of J.R. in order for her to view it in a larger context.
"So where does Oreo cookies go?" J.R. asked as she studied the picture and read the definitions. She took a bite of her chicken and said, "This is yummy, Uncle Justin. Can you teach me how to cook this?"
"They aren't really on the pyramid or if you had to put them someplace, you would put them on the top- use lightly, " Brian said. He looked at Justin, smiling. "See, even J.R. realizes that Oreo cookies are not on the food pyramid."
"So the bagel and peanut butter I had for breakfast this morning was a bread and .... Where is the peanut butter, Daddy Ben?"
"Peanut Butter is here," he said pointing to the meat, poultry area. "Peanut butter is made from nuts so its a protein." Ben ate some more broccoli and drank some water. "I noticed you had a filter on the faucet. Do you filter all your water or just the drinking water?"
"The water out here is filled with chemicals and Justin insists that it would not be good for Colin. He insisted that we install a filter on the kitchen faucet since we were making his formula from it. He said that the baby didn't need any additional chemicals, especially while he was young and developing."
"That makes sense. Since you aren't able to feed him naturally," Ben said.
"Wow. You sure are smart, Daddy Ben. I didn't know that peanut butter is made from nuts, but I guess that makes sense since it says peanut in the name. There is a lot to know about eating. What about my poptarts? I don't see them on the list. Are they a good breakfast food?"
"Not really, sweetheart. Pop tarts are bakery products with a lot of sugar and fat and no protein. They fill your tummy up for a little bit, but then you get hungry since your body doesn't have good fuel."
"Fuel? I thought you put fuel in cars?" J.R. drank some milk and wiped her mouth so she didn't have a milkstache.
"Food is fuel for your body. Daddy Brian is always telling Daddy Justin that sweetened cereal and Oreo's are not good for him. Dad usually has a Guava Juice smoothie for breakfast in the morning. It looks gross cause it is ugly green, but Dad says it has lots of nutrients and it is way better than Daddy Justin's sugar cereal. And Dad has this funny rule about no carbs after 7:00 which means we don't get to eat pizza for dinner real often unless Daddy Justin makes something different for Dad. It's complicated."
"Is that why Daddy Michael eats different food than you, Daddy Ben? I see him eat Captain Crunch a lot and you eat some kind of eggs for breakfast or have some type of drink. I think you said it was a protein shake. Doesn't Daddy Michael know about the pyramid?''
Ben thought this was going to be a great teaching moment and a safe dinner conversation but it was quickly turning into a complicated discussion. He wanted to instill in J.R. that nutrition was very important to good health, but he didn't want to discuss his husband's poor choices in that area. He was still her father, even if Michael and he separated and he raised the little girl on his own. He had seen too many of his friends talk about the "other" parent in a disparaging way. So many of his childhood friends had divorced parents and more often than not, the kids talked about the parent they didn't live with as the "evil" one. He didn't want to talk bad about any of the three other adults, even if he did not agree with the way they were raising the little girl. It would not be prudent for her to share some of his thoughts on their parenting skills as this might hurt his chances in a court of law. But he was less concerned with the court at this point and more concerned with keeping her relationship with her other parents positive. While he did want to raise her and give her a wonderful childhood, he did not want her to feel that he was pitting his parenting against her other parents.
"Daddy Michael and I disagree on our food choices. Adults don't always agree with each other, even if they are married. I want to be sure you know about good nutrition and the food pyramid, but you have to choose what you are going to eat. I'm not with you at school or when you go visit family or friends. I think nutrition is important and good nutrition keeps me healthy and my numbers in check."
"Does good nutrition keep you out of the hospital, Daddy Ben?" J.R. asked. She knew about Ben's HIV status as it was important to keep her safe and not put her in jeopardy when she interacted with him. Her parents were very open about his illness and keeping her safe from possible infection. She understood precautions like covering any scrapes and not borrowing his personal items. She understood that he took a lot of medication and she should never touch it. The biggest impact his illness had was that she couldn't visit him when she had a cold as he could catch it easily. Since she rarely got sick, that hadn't been very important.
"Well good nutrition is a part of it. I also work out to keep my body strong and get enough sleep. Sleep is just as important as good nutrition. Sleep helps me fight off infection."
"Gus, do you follow the pyramid now that you live here? I don't think we followed it much when you lived with Mom and Momma."
"I don't know. It's not something I really think about. Daddy Justin and I cook and we talk when we cook. He tells me that Dad won't eat carbs so we have to make stuff without those. I'm not really clear on what carbs are except that Dad thinks they make him gain weight. Rosa makes my lunch and she puts fruit in them. I don't get a lot of canned stuff or packaged lunches like lunchables. I usually get fresh sandwiches or leftovers. We do have cookies in the house, but Daddy Justin doesn't let me eat them all the time. So I guess, yeah. I follow it because my Dads provide food that's healthy." Gus finished eating his chicken and rice casserole and had gone back to the stove to get seconds. He scooped a small portion onto his plate and also put some more broccoli on the plate as well. The rule was if you got seconds of any dish, you also had to get seconds of the vegetable. If you weren't hungry enough for the vegetable, you weren't hungry enough for the main dish.
"Maybe I can get Momma to buy me some bagels and peanut butter. It is a good breakfast and I could still eat it in the car. That way she wouldn't have to make me breakfast and make her late for work."
Ben thought this might be a good idea, but was again saddened that J.R. was thinking like the adult, trying to find solutions to her morning routine to get a nutritious breakfast without causing stress in the household. "We can go shopping and get you some bagels and peanut butter before you go home on Sunday. You can make your own breakfast and not have to ask your moms to get you some from the store."
"That's great. I want to give my body good fuel."
Brian hadn't entered into the discussion, finding it interesting to just listen to the three of them talk. He accepted that Gus was a product of two households and his experiences living with his mothers were different than the ones he had living with him and Justin. While he and Justin had different ideas of good nutrition, they basically agreed on its importance and offered their children a variety of healthy food and snacks. He hoped that all the experiences Gus had during his remaining childhood would be positive and give him a good foundation for living when he became an adult. Looking at everyone's plate, he saw that everyone but Gus was finished eating. He wanted an opportunity to talk to Ben before they had to leave, so he was eager to dismiss the children.
"The adults want a chance to talk before J.R. and Ben have to go home. When you two finish your dinner, you can go to the playroom for awhile and play some games. I think you've had enough video games for the night."
Gus and J.R. nodded their head in acceptance. "We could play go fish or some other card game. Mom and Momma don't play too much; they're always busy."
"Let's put our plates in the dishwasher and then we can go down and see what we want to do. We have lots of games," Gus said as he finished the last of his chicken and rice. He stood up and walked to the dishwasher and put his plate in the dishwasher and his sister did the same.Then they went to the playroom which was at the other end of the house.
Justin put the food away and Brian and Ben cleared the table and wiped it down. They picked up Colin and brought him to the living room where they placed him on his blanket where his toys were waiting for him. Brian grabbed a beer for himself out of the small refrigerator in the corner and held it up in unspoken question to the other men. Justin nodded in agreement but Ben declined.
They sat down; Brian and Justin on the leather couch and Ben in the leather chair adjacent to it. Brian and Justin took a few draws from their beers and then Brian placed his bottle on a coaster on the coffee table.
"My lawyer got back to me today about your situation. I think you have a chance to raise J.R." He explained what the lawyer had said and the legal precedents in the situation.
"Really? That is great news. Of course, legally I may be able to raise her, but I don't think any of the other parents would willingly give up their custody. I'm not really sure where to go from here. It sounds so easy when you discuss it. But as we all know, nothing is easy in this family," Ben said, tinged with sadness at being so close but so far from his goals.
"I have some questions for you, Ben. I'm not pressuring you to give me an answer to them right now, but I want you to think about them, " Brian said as he lifted his bottle to take another drink.
"You mentioned your relationship with Michael and how you were questioning its validity. What are you going to do with your marriage? Is it over or do you plan to try and salvage it?" Brian asked, wanting his friend to look at all the angles of the situation.
"If you intend to end it, the custody gets really messy. I'm not suggesting you stay in a marriage that doesn't work for you. I can verify that an arrangement like that one is not good for any of the involved parties; husband, wife and children." Justin squeezed Brian's hand for support, recognizing Brian's comment as a personal testimony to his difficult childhood.
"If you don't leave the marriage, what does Michael think of being a full time parent?"
Brian held up his hand, before Ben could even begin an answer. "I imagine Mikey would see this as an opportunity to hang out with me and do stuff with just me and Gus and him and J.R, leaving you and Justin to be with Colin. I can tell you that would not happen. While I'm all for an occasional outing or afternoon with friends, I'm not going back to the Brian that hung out with his friends whenever he had any free time. My marriage and both of my children are the top priority in my life. If you gain custody of J.R., I will promise that Gus and she will have many opportunities to see and interact with each other, but it will not be at the expense of my husband and other son." Justin knew that Brian felt this way, but it was always good to hear his thoughts out loud. He leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
"No matter what your decision regarding your marriage is, if you gain custody of J.R., it will mean changes in your lifestyle and you will need to figure out some options for day care or afterschool activities. That being said, I'm sure I speak for Justin that we would assist in anyway possible. We have to pick up Gus and we understand the siblings want to be together frequently. We could probably arrange for them to be picked up together on days you or Michael were unable to do so. I imagine that Mikey would not normally be able to do that since that is a busy time at the shop."
"Lastly, J.R. is a beautiful and joyous little girl and I want what is best for her. She shouldn't suffer just because her parents can't get their priorities straight and find time to be great parents to her. I know that you have her best interest at heart, but may not have the means to fight for her. To that end, Justin and I have already discussed that you can have access to our attorney to help you in this battle. He is already on retainer to us and we have discussed that we want him to help you and to bill us for his time. Your money should be spent providing a great home to her not fighting her selfish parents for the right to provide a good childhood."
Ben sat for a few moments before responding. He drank some water that he had leftover from dinner, having kept the glass with him.
"I don't even know what to say. Michael and I are at different places in our lives. Michael loves his shop and the opportunity to be with his passion all day. To that end, I'm happy for him. While I think his innocence and playfulness attracted me to him, I think that I want more from a partner. I'm not really sure what will happen to our marriage, but I honestly don't think that it will last." A tear ran down Ben's face as he allowed the words discussing his failed marriage finally be spoken aloud. He hated that he was unsuccessful in his pursuit of a partner, but admitted that Michael was not a partner but more like an overgrown child. When he met him, he admired the innocence and joy Michael exhibited for his comics and the entire comic world, but he didn't count on Michael not taking responsibility for adult things like working at their marriage and interacting with other adults who were different than himself. He wasn't eager to experience life outside his comfort zone and was stuck in the same world he had when he was a teenager.
Brian and Justin listened to Ben, each man hurting for their friend and saddened by the progression of events, but neither were surprised at his disclosures.
"I love that little girl and when Michael first brought up talking to Mel and Linds about increased interaction with her, I was honestly against the idea. A child is a big commitment and one I wasn't sure we could handle."
"When we took in Hunter, he was almost an adult, a scared adult, but he didn't need the supervision that J.R. needs. He needed to know that someone cared what happened to him and that he was worth more than the latest trick he could turn. He's grown into a wonderful young man and I couldn't be more proud."
"J.R. is young and needs a lot of guidance, let alone supervision. The more I interacted with her, the more my heart hurt for her situation. I couldn't let my fears of the full time responsibility get in the way. I knew she deserved better than she was getting and I think I can offer her that, or at least try harder than her mothers. I know that I will need a lot of help and that I can't really rely on Michael, even if we are still together. Your offer of assistance is greatly appreciated. I know that Gus and J.R. deserve to grow up together and me gaining custody may help their situation. As for the financial assistance, thank you. I know that I could not afford to take on this situation without your help."
"I guess I am saying that I want to do this and it appears that I may even be successful. Even if I'm not given full custody of her, I would make my wishes known that she deserves better and that I'm willing to provide more. That may prove to be sufficient for me to be more active in her life and give her great opportunities."
All three men smiled as Ben talked about the future and J.R.'s potential life changes.
"I guess I need to go home and talk to my husband. I think that may be the hardest discussion of this entire saga. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I don't really think he wants the same things that I do. It's getting late, friends. I must take my daughter home. I will be in contact with your lawyer next week as I figure all this out. Thank you for your support." He got up and gave both men large hugs. They hugged him back and watched as he left the room to find J.R.
Justin looked at Brian and said, "Do you think he'll leave Michael? Better question, is what will Michael do if Ben decides to end things?"
"I don't know, but it could get very interesting. We will help in any way we can. Right now, we have a son who needs a diaper change and a bath. I can smell him from here. After we put him to bed, we need to spend some time with Gus. He may have questions about Ben and J.R. I don't want to leave him in the dark," Brian said as he bent down to pick up his son.
They left the room and met Ben and J.R. at the door. They all hugged and said good-bye again.
"Sonny boy, we are going to give Colin his bath and put him to bed, Then we will join you for some game time or whatever you want to do," Brian said as he closed the door.
"Okay. I've got some homework to finish and I'll do it now so I don't have to do it later this weekend. See you guys in a bit." He bent down and kissed Colin on the forehead and went towards his room.
"He's a good kid,Brian. You did well," Justin said.
"We did well. We did well."
TBC