CHAPTER NINE: RULE NUMBER FOUR OF BEING AN ADULT: THE MOST VALUABLE ADVICE KENNY ROGERS EVER GAVE IN A SONG IS USUALLY RIGHT!

JOE:

There are no words to describe the pleasure I felt in telling that exacerbating fuck that David and Hank moved. David really dodged a bullet with that one! Novotny reminds me too much of my ex, in that he was always looking for the bigger, better deal. That said, of course, I didn’t tell him where the Camerons are, but that was for two reasons. The first- and most obvious- one is that I didn’t want to give him any hope of invading their lives again. 

You see, with people like Novotny, it’s best not to give them an avenue of escape. Now true, the word and actions of escape can mean different things to different people. But in that little turd’s case it all comes down to being taken care of. It’s the only reason he returned here; understanding that his well had run dry in Pittsburgh. Yes, David was only too forthcoming in telling me what the real deal was with Michael Novotny; and what he didn’t say, I witnessed myself. 

He really should have thought to close the windows on the house if he planned for his pussyboy plotting to remain a secret! But his lack of common sense really worked out well for all involved… well, almost all involved, except HIM. I suspect the same might be holding true for the harridan he screeched and whined to, as well. Lindsay- I think that was her name- was so afraid of people named Melanie and Brian finding out what she and the idiot had planned that she was actually willing to fly to California to find out what was going on.

Her plan was that he somehow pay for her ticket round-trip, along with putting her up in a hotel so she could question her contacts in private while avoiding Brian, who apparently was there already. The only thing stopping them from going through with her plan was that she wouldn’t be able to explain away her absence because of someone named Gus. I later found out that he was the son the harridan shared with Kinney. As I continued to listen as they bounced ideas off each other- especially one where she would bring Gus with her under the guise of visiting Novotny- I knew I needed to find a way to stop them immediately from whatever bullshit they were going to try next. But luckily Lindsay decided that if she was going to travel out to L.A. the last thing she wanted to do was tote a baby around with her.

Then, of course, that led to an argument between them about her conniving her way into Brian’s pockets via her uterus. She accused Novotny of trying to do the same thing by constantly lauding and lamenting their friendship by turns, which would never be as close as her connection to Brian Kinney. I honestly couldn’t tell if they were friends or enemies by that point. They reminded me of what two dogs would sound like fighting over a bone. 

So I guess frenemies would have described their relationship to each other accurately, since from what I gathered, they only came together when they shared a common goal of keeping Brian Kinney where they could use him for their own benefit.  

In looking back at it all, I couldn’t regret putting that call into David the morning where the shit hit the fan for Michael Novotny. Once again, I stood by and listened to the screech, whine, and cooing going on in rapid succession over the phone, which was on speaker again. I swear, someone should check both of their hearing; their conversation was just that loud. Once I connected the call to David, I hurriedly explained the situation and advised him to listen in to Michael and Lindsay’s conversation. He told me that he would be back to the house in a few moments, and not to let on that I knew anything, should Novotny have crawled his lazy ass out of the house. I could have told him that there was no use in worrying about that since no doubt those two bitches would be on the phone until just about time for Hank to get home from school. It was just how they operated. Then from my place beneath the window leading to David’s living room, I pressed record, and Michael Novotny became history. 

And history he’s definitely going to remain I think as I watch him FINALLY get the hint that they are gone for good, before slinking his slimy ass down the street. I really hope he got the message and will no longer try to find them. But I’m not too worried if he does, because although I’m keeping this place, I’ve been invited to join David and Hank in California as well. I can work from anywhere, and my clients will still seek me out, even if I have to travel some to get to them. It’s nothing that I haven’t done before. 

Although Hank is just about a teenager- and will be living on the same grounds as his grandparents- David thought that it would be good for him to have someone who could interact with him when David has to work. And honestly, spending time with Hank Cameron is really no hardship to me at all; he’s a delightful and intelligent young man. Besides, it’s time for me to add more to my life than just work. Calvin has been gone from my life for a long time, and it’s time for me to get back to the business of living. Our relationship was never my be all to end all, so there is no need for me to mourn it like it was any longer.

Yes, a new start is definitely what I need and I can’t think of a better place than sunny California to begin it.

PITTSBURGH WOMEN’S CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

NANCY

After dropping off Justin’s check to his attorney, I made my way here. I really hope that John takes my advice regarding that young man. As I sat there looking over the prenup he put together on Cartwright’s behalf, I had to admit that not only is he a genius, but also ruthless. In short, they are perfect for each other! And it’s going to give me great pleasure watching John Cartwright and Julian Gabriel develop into something solid and lasting.

John deserves that and so much more.

Which brings me to thoughts about my wayward daughter. I can’t quite figure out where I’ve gone so wrong with her. Is it that I should have torn her ass to shreds when she first exhibited this spoiled debutante behavior at six? Or is it that I’ve just remained hopeful that the problems with Lindsay would correct themselves over time? It just goes to show you that you can have two children, give them the same exact upbringing, and yet they turn out so differently.

For example, the very things I admire about Lynette are the same things I tend to loathe. Not because she’s unworthy, or even better than me, but because of her headstrong nature. Oh, I know that everyone thinks she and I can’t stand each other, and in a way they would be right. But they are dead wrong about the reason. You see, I made a mistake some years ago regarding my own finances; I didn’t listen to her when I should have. 

While I invested in what I thought would issue me a solid return, Lynette didn’t follow my lead but instead invested in- of all things- a coffee manufacturer. Today, that company is well worth over a billion dollars, whereas the company I invested in took a turn for the worst during the Bush Administration. I’m basically starting over while she’s riding high, so of course, I’m a bit jealous and disappointed. But more than that, I’ve led her to believe that she will never be good enough for me to be proud of her. It was that idiotic argument with her that I still regret to this day, and one I must rectify soon.

Consequently, I began to seemingly dote on the one I shouldn’t have. Lindsay… what can I say about her except that if after-term abortion wouldn’t be considered murder, I’d have killed the bitch long since. I only keep her around so that I can watch her. With Lindsay, it’s best to be the ever-watchful snake charmer, instead of the victim she sinks her fangs into. It’s a lesson that Brian Kinney- oops, I really must remember his new last name- and Melanie Marcus are just learning.

It’s also a lesson I’m determined Ronald learns, even if it kills him. And truthfully, it just might. Because of Lindsay’s latest antics, we are shelling out money left and right. No, we aren’t poor by any means, but nor have we been unnecessarily wasteful either. Except in the case of this bitch.

As I sit here waiting to be called in for visiting hours, I slide the contract Julian Gabriel handed me out of its large envelope. Looking over it, I must admit he covered all the bases I’d thought of and even more that I didn’t. Lindsay would be a fool to sign this, but then again, she’d be a fool not to. Without the ready assistance of Ronald to be had, she’d find herself destroyed a lot sooner than she will be after this contract is broken. Oh, neither John nor I hold any illusions that Lindsay will actually be able to abide these strident rules placed upon her. 

But that’s going to provide half the fun, isn’t it? Watching her scramble and trying to regroup; trying to find a loophole where there assuredly isn’t one, is going to be worth the price of admission to many people. I really should have thought to sell tickets to her downfall. I know I sound like a cold hearted bitch… well okay, I am one, but not without good reason. And the truth is that only one cold woman can deal with another on this particular level.

It’s something that Jennifer- of all people- reminded me of. In all my efforts to have an ally I could trust within the country club sect, I’d forgotten that most would smile in your face as you die before them while hiding the knife with your blood on it behind their backs. Somehow, I’d become too complacent in playing Lindsay’s game, instead of insisting that she dance to my tune. Well that’s all about to change now, and for good! When one of the most affluent and influential women within high society tells you that you’d better do something about the tramp you birthed or she will, you better believe it’s advice that should be listened to; especially in the case of Justin Taylor-Kinney.

“Mrs. Peterson, I wanted to have a brief word with you before you went in to see Lindsay,” a young man, who looks vaguely familiar to me, says.

“No problem, but… do I know you?”

He smiles and then I see it, even before he reintroduces himself. “Forgive me, Ma’am. I’m Duane Chanders.”

“I remember now. And might I say that you’ve certainly grown into a handsome young man, Duane. I think it’s okay for you to call me Nancy now. No, we aren’t of an age, but you are now an adult, so it’s permitted.”

“There’s no substitute for good manners, Mrs… Nancy.”

“That’s certainly true, Duane, but I honestly don’t mind.” It’s so tempting to flirt with him, even if I wouldn’t stand a chance. But in all honesty, I have enough going on right now with trying to keep Ronald on the right path, which is away from Lindsay. I swear sometimes I think he is the one who actually gave birth to Lindsay instead of me, except I was there and remember every fucking pain I endured to bring her into this world. Shaking myself out of my reverie, I allow him to lead me into an empty office before asking, “Now what is it that you need to tell me, Duane?”

“I spoke with Judge Barrows once I found out that you were on your way here. He advised that whereas he’s not going to take Lindsay’s rights away from her right now, he’s already putting through the restraining orders for Brian, Gus, Melanie, and Justin.”

“God! I really wanted him to take her parental rights away! She doesn’t deserve for anyone to call her mother unless it’s promptly followed by…”

“Nancy! Language!” he scolds me, laughing. “Even if you are correct, I’ve never heard you resort to such vulgarity.”

“I’m sorry, Duane. She has just been bringing out the worst in me lately. Besides, from what I hear, you’re no stranger to such vulgarity as you put it. From what Jennifer told me, your sister also has quite the mouth on her.”

He snickers again. “That’s certainly true, and she’s not afraid to cuss someone out in whatever language she chooses to use at the moment. It definitely made the Chanders household interesting. Adding Justin to it on various occasions… well you can just about imagine how many laughs and scoldings went out by turns, especially since the two of them are some of the most irreverent people when it comes to authority of any kind.”

“I certainly can imagine,” I state, considering the conversation I had with Jennifer earlier. Not only did she rip into me about Lindsay’s latest bullshit, but also relayed ALL of the information I wasn’t privy to regarding Justin and Daphne. Those two young people are nothing short of brilliant and dangerous at the same time! I switch gears back to the original topic of conversation, even though I would rather keep hearing about Daphne and Justin’s antics in controlling their enemies. “So he’s not going to take her rights away from her and is going to keep the restraining orders in place. So what has he decided about the jail time?”

“I figured we’d call him just before you went in to see Lindsay, but I know that John Cartwright called him prior to our conversation. Is that the prenup he had drawn up by Julian?”

“You know Julian Gabriel?”

He smiles wide. “Who doesn’t? Irreverent. Recalcitrant in the very best of ways. A lethal genius behind a placid facade. Yes, I know Julian better than most people do. He and I have been friends long before our respective careers were even thought about.” 

“And yet you both seem so different.”

“Don’t let the looks and career choices deceive you, Nancy. You’ll never find any two people better suited to be friends, except perhaps my sister and Justin. But let’s get to this matter, so that you can go deal with Ronald.”

“And deal with him, I must!” I exclaim. “The idiot is probably going through every worst case scenario his mind can dream up right now.”

“I don’t doubt it. You know you’re going to have to keep a tight rein on him, don’t you?”

“I’ve already taken steps to do just that. Has she called him yet?”

“No, but not for lack of trying. Lindsay has been trying to seduce her way to using the phone, regardless of the gender. Fortunately, I had a fairly long talk with the warden before we decided to put Lindsay here for holding. It’s part of the reason she’s being kept away from the other prisoners.”

“And the other reason?”

“Because of the nature of her crimes, of course,” Duane tells me, then goes on to explain. “The women here don’t take too kindly to child abusers. And although Gus’ case isn’t the worst we’ve seen, the women here still take offense to anyone who hurts a child. That especially holds true if the woman is the mother. They would beat her to death without a second thought while the guards look the other way. It’s why solitary confinement was the only viable solution for the interim.”

I nod, resisting the urge to cringe. It’s just proof positive that prison is the most brutal place. The idea that women could be seen just as barbaric as men would have seemed a bit preposterous a mere twenty-four hours ago. But after the recount of last night’s events from Jennifer, I can’t help but think that perhaps this environment is just what Lindsay needs to straighten her ass out. I mean the fact that she was caught attacking a defenseless child simply because he couldn’t get her the attention from Brian she felt she deserved… 

Well, that type of behavior deserves the most excruciating punishment the law could give, and then some. The only thing stopping me from reaping the beating she’s earned is that none of us want Lindsay dead… well not yet, at least. No. We all have plans for her, and honestly, what she won’t technically pay for now, Karma will make sure she pays for later.

Duane dials Judge Barrows’ number, and as we wait he advises, “Keep an open mind, Nancy. I’m not exactly sure what his reasons are, or what Cartwright asked him to do, but I’m pretty certain we’re both going to see reasoning soon enough.”

“I let you conduct the call, for the most part, Duane. I’m still hoping against hope that he makes her do jail time beyond the mere hours of holding her. At least that would bring us more than ninety days of peace and quiet from her.”

He looks at me puzzled for a moment, but before he has a chance to ask the question I see burning in his eyes, Judge Barrows’ voice cuts into his thoughts. “Hello, Duane. I understand that you have Nancy Peterson with you.”

“I do, Sir. Both she and I are a bit confused about you not taking Lindsay’s rights away from her.”

“Is Nancy on speaker?”

“I am, Martin,” I answer. He knows from my tone that I am far from happy with his decision, but am trying to do as Duane suggests in trying to gauge his agenda in all of this.

“Good, so that I only have to say this one time. The reason I didn’t take Lindsay’s parental rights away now is because there isn’t a doubt that she would find a reason to appeal the decision to do so later. Admittedly, Nancy, I thought you would find a way to help her do that at the time…”

“Then you don’t know me very well at all…”

“I’m realizing that, but let me finish,” Judge Barrows advises me. “To date, you’ve done such an admirable job in playing out the adage of keeping your enemies closer that it was hard to tell which side of the issue you would fall upon. That said, there are a couple of things you should know going into the meeting with Lindsay. The first is that a series of restraining orders have been issued in lieu of her behavior and subsequent arrest. Although the charges will stick- especially when she violates the orders- I’ve had Duane ask the D.A. to hold off on the official charges.”

“You’re that sure she’s going to violate the orders?” I ask in surprise. It seems that I’m not the only one who really knows Lindsay’s spoiled little girl tendencies.

“Most certainly. Her obsession with Brian Taylor-Kinney is more than well known, as is her fair-weather friendship with Michael Novotny. I told Brian a little bit ago that he was most certainly a wanted man because of his stalkers, for lack of a better term. Michael Novotny actually had the temerity to suggest that Brian should pay his bail for not being home when Novotny decided to disturb the peace outside of his loft on Tremont.”

“The abject nerve!” I exclaim. “He’s obviously cut from the same entitled cloth as Lindsay.”

“That’s true even more than you know, Nancy. So it would stand to reason that she is going to contact him to do her dirty work for her…”

“Which will put her in direct violation of the restraining orders, and thereby giving her no grounds to appeal the revocation of her parental rights since she’ll appear hellbent on flouting the law by any means necessary.”

“Exactly, Nancy. Sometimes you really must play fool to catch wise. In Lindsay’s case doing so will have her hanging herself while everyone around her stays blameless, even if we’re supplying the rope for her to do it. She has to learn to live with the consequences of her choices.”

Duane snickered. “Funny you should say that, since according to Daphne and Jennifer, it’s the reason she was so hellbent on getting rid of Justin. Lindsay felt that he needed to know the weight and pressure of adulthood.”

“Are you serious?” I ask, incredulous at her audacity. “Lindsay wouldn’t know the weight and pressure of adulthood if it bit her in her girly bits. That’s it! She really needs to be put in her place right now!”

“I agree,” Barrow says, before asking, “Duane, have you looked over the prenup that should be in Nancy’s possession, yet? John said that there’s some specific wording in it regarding Lindsay’s finances that you should be aware of should the attempt to regain little Gus come up.”

“I skimmed over it, but I’ll take a little bit more of an in-depth look before Nancy goes in to see her.”

“Good. Well, I think this concludes our business and the extent of explanations I can give you without disclosing other details of the private meeting I had with the Kinneys and Ms. Marcus earlier today. I’ll be in touch soon,” Barrows said, just before disconnecting the call.

I wordlessly handed Duane the document again, snickering at what he’s going to most assuredly see in the financial portion of the contract. After a time, he exclaims, “Holy mess on a stick! He’s going to…”

I smile. “Absolutely.”

Duane shook his head, even while laughing. “Jesus, John and Julian are ruthless. I knew I loved them as brothers for a reason! So either she accepts this prenup, or she goes to jail and takes her chances on her own after her sentence is finished. It’s a clear cut of having a little of something, or a lot of nothing. Either way, she’s not going to be happy or come away from this unscathed.”

“And that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?” I ask, rhetorically. “Well, come on, Duane. I’m sure you’re as anxious as I am to see the look on her face as she reads what’s going to be expected of her going forward.”

“Out of curiosity, which would you choose if this was your situation, Nancy?”

“It never would be, but if it were me, knowing what I know about this entire thing… I’d take my chances. But then, I’ve always been much smarter than Lindsay, and now it’s going to cost her.”

LINDSAY

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” I say, staring at the bullet points within this accursed contract.

I pasted a weary smile on my face as I saw her come in. God knows the last person I want to see is Mother. I already knew she was going to be difficult about this entire mess. I’d have much preferred to deal with Daddy. After all, he would have done anything within his power to fix this mess, lest I spill the beans about his affair with Elise Eisenhower to both Mother and Elise’s husband, who just happens to be Daddy’s business partner. 

I’ve been using that affair as leverage for years, so no need to stop now.

But more than that, Daddy has always understood how an expected end would justify a mean or two. In this case, I need to be free to snatch the rug from under than fucking Justin Taylor. I absolutely REFUSE to even acknowledge the possibility that he and Brian were telling the truth about them being married. He’s a fucking child! He has no business being married to, or in any way, shape, or form allowed near Brian!

Then, to make matters worse, I wasted precious time being cordial to her, since my sentiments were not returned. She just walked in here and proceeded to tell me what I’m GOING to do. Well, she must think that she holds some kind of power over me. It’s time to disabuse her of that notion immediately!

I look at this bullshit again, and repeat myself. “You have got to be kidding me!”

“No, I’m not. And he isn’t either. In fact, NONE of us are, Lindsay. You have been allowed to go unchecked too long. Although I really can’t understand what your problem is with the prenup. It’s pretty much giving you everything you’ve ever wanted. A home, an income without having to earn it… and a GAY man to marry.”

I can’t even stop the redness from creeping into my face at her last insinuation. “That’s NOT what I’ve always wanted, Mother!”

“You could have fooled the world with that nonsense, since you insisted on chasing after the most notorious gay man in Pittsburgh. Hell, I’d even dare say the United States, if the rumors about Brian’s proclivities are at all true. And now that he has Justin…”

“HE DOES NOT HAVE JUSTIN!”

“Lower your voice when speaking to me, young lady,” Mother demands as she rises from her chair to face me down. “Apparently, you’ve forgotten just whom you’re speaking to, but you should remember very quickly or…”

“Or what?” I sneer, unable to help myself.

“Or I’ll leave here with this very fair prenuptial agreement without giving you the benefit of making the choice for yourself. You’ll simply be carted off to jail without a second thought. Even the offer for a fully-paid stint in rehab will be off the table. I’m sure there’s some woman in here who will be happy to trade you for extra commissary and cigarettes. God knows at the moment, you aren’t worth even that much, but there’s no accounting for some people’s desperation, is there?”

I’m so completely sick of her insults! “I want to speak to Daddy right now!”

“No.”

“No?” I ask, incredulously. “What the hell do you mean ‘no’?”

“Just what I said, Lindsay with a big N and a little o. There’s nothing you have to say to your father that your inconsiderate actions haven’t already done. I mean, he just had to shell out two hundred-and-fifty thousand dollars because of your inability to mind your own business. So no, you won’t be speaking to your father to reverse my decisions on this. Not only that, but I have control of the checkbook going forward until he can prove to me that he can think for himself where you’re concerned. And guess what, Darling girl… I’m NOT giving you one fucking dime.”

At first, I gasped at her crude language. After all, Mother has always presented herself as a lady, and above such nastiness in public. However, as I look over at the other occupant of the room, it’s clear that he’s unsurprised by Mother at all. I narrow my eyes, studying Duane Chanders so I can file that little tidbit of information away for later. Surely, there is some way I can use his knowledge of this blackmail against him, which should undoubtedly help me to regain Gus’ custody. 

I absolutely refuse to have that fucking blond upstart raising MY son! 

But then the rest of what she said registered with me. I can’t help but wonder aloud in abject shock as the amount of money Daddy just shelled out continues to resonate around my mind. “Wait a minute! How the hell did Justin find out that I knew about the contract between him and Vanguard? I only told Michael…”

“And a Diner full of patrons, that you were eavesdropping on a private conversation between me and your father. Congratulations, Lindsay. You just keep being the disappointment I always thought you had the potential to be if I didn’t keep a close eye on you. Well, now you will be Cartwright’s problem so to speak, although I’m not so sure. He’s very serious about the terms within the contract, and is completely unwilling to negotiate.”

“Perhaps, he’ll be moreso when I…”

“What, Lindsay? Try to blackmail him, too? I think you’ll find that John Cartwright is as immune as Brian Taylor-Kinney is when it comes to threats surrounding his personal life, regardless of his standing within Elite society. He could give superfluous pubic hair to what insignificant people such as you think of him. Instead, he just cuts them off, which hurts them much more than it does him; he doesn’t abide human headaches. But on the brightside, he’s willing to marry you and mentor you to become the self-sufficient woman you should have grown to be since a long time ago, so that puts you a small step above social-suicide for the moment. 

“Now, back to the contract; all of your medical expenses will be paid, including getting you completely drug free, which is also a condition to marrying him. He absolutely abhors recreational drug abusers, considering them the most thoughtless people in the world. And honestly, haven’t you already proven his feeling right considering the reason you’re in here?”

“Then why is he willing to marry me?”

“As a favor to me. And yes, a little bit of altruism on his part as well. Per his words, he thinks that with correcting, you might actually feel better about yourself and therefore begin to think before you act so rashly and irresponsibly. Personally, I think he’s wasting his time on you, but he really desires to make you his pet… project.”

God, I HATE HER! “I’m not a fucking charity case, Mother!”

“You’re not?” she asked, with wide eyes. “How much money do you have put away? What are your savings like? How self-sufficient would you be if you walked out of here right now? Before you answer all those questions, bear in mind that your account- you know, the one with the WRONG last name on it- has been seized. Did I fail to mention that if you don’t accept John and his conditions, you will be brought up on charges of Grand Larceny, since the money in that account was in no way, shape, or form your own, but belonging to Brian and Melanie for Gus?”

“What the….” Oh my God, how did they find out about that account?! That means they also know about… NO!

“...And that’s all in addition to the strikes already against you regarding your tantrum in Gus and Melanie’s directions. Also, let’s not forget that your activities of the last several months also leave you open to a civil suit from Justin Taylor-KINNEY, who I believe is just biding his time while waiting for you to mess with him again. You’d do well to take this offer, Lindsay, so that you can move on with your life without Brian, Melanie, and Gus. Because speaking from experience, Justin acts decisively and quickly without any shame or remorse for making you pay for your own stupidity. It’s a lesson that not only has your father learned within the last three hours or so, but your cohorts-in-Cuntiness, Gardner and Martin have had to pay up, too.”

“You mean that little brat is even richer than…”

“Is that all you heard, Lindsay?” Mother tsked at me. “As usual, your ears turned off to everything else laid before you except to concentrate on money that doesn’t belong to you. That really needs to be corrected; I’ll have to remind John about your finance-driven ADHD. The fact that he’s even willing to give you an allowance until you find a job is big. After all, you have to learn to manage the weight and pressure of adulthood, at least until you’re able to take on ALL the expenses to live as such. It IS what you intended for Justin, right Lindsay? And yet he has so much more than you do, and is doing quite well being an actual adult. Go figure! But honestly, three-hundred and ten dollars a month is still more than you have.”

How the hell did she even know I said that same thing to... Oh fuck! Has Brian been talking to my mother?!

“But after I find the damn job, I will still have to pay him for room and board as if I’m renting a fucking apartment from him! What kind of husband makes his wife do that?!”

“Usually, men with working wives don’t need to have that kind of monetary stipulation written in black and white during their union. It’s automatically understood that the responsibility of household matters must be contributed to, regardless of whether it’s in equal measure or not. Even housewives work to make sure the home runs smoothly. But you… well, you have proven yourself completely inept when it comes to seeing to household matters. You can’t cook…”

“Yes, I can!” I argue, only to be cut off again.

“...anything EDIBLE that people would want to actually eat. I suspect the reason Melanie kept jars of peanut butter, jelly, and a loaf of bread inside the desk in her home office had nothing to do with a need for comfort food or childhood nostalgia.”

“I just believe in having a certain standard of cuisine.” 

“That’s clearly confused with either rabbit food or spoiled slop to be thrown out with the trash. But let’s move on to your housekeeping skills which are basically nonexistent, as evident in that luxury apartment you rented under the WRONG last name. Yes, Lindsay, I know all about that and why you needed it. So we won’t give you the satisfaction of your attempt to live out your fantasy centered on your obsession with Brian TAYLOR-Kinney.”

I really wish you would stop joining their names!” I say, exasperated. “They’re NOT…”

“Again, you focus on the WRONG thing, but they most certainly are MARRIED. Get that through your drug-addled brain once and for all, Lindsay! But really, it shouldn’t matter to you all that much since you’re finally about to marry a man comparable to the one you’ll never have. You actually should feel proud that you’ve even attracted his interest. No matter that it was for the wrong reason, it’s still a win in your book, right?”

“And if I don’t marry John Cartwright?”

“You go to jail, and when you come out you will be jobless, homeless, penniless, hopeless, family-less. Am I making myself clear, Lindsay? Are you getting the complete picture in the desolation of Lindsay’s World yet, dear?”

“Fuck you, Mother.”

“You couldn’t afford me, Lindsay,” she says as she hands me the pen.

I sign where all the post-its are, not even bothering to read the rest of the documents. This is just all kinds of shit anyway! But I just have to get my last dig in while I’m signing my life away in an effort to get free of her and this prison. “But apparently, Daddy can afford you and Elise Eisenhower.”

Instead of the expected response, she laughs. “Who do you think set Ronald up with Elise? After all, I had a fondness for Gregory, so we traded lovers for a time. A word of advice, Lindsay… be thorough in your research when trying to blackmail someone. True, your threats and tricks worked on your father, but I’m not him. I know exactly where and what he sticks his dick into, unlike those who have run a metaphorical train on you over the years. But that level of secrecy can change in a heartbeat for you. I trust we understand each other going forward, don’t we dear?”

And with that she leaves, followed closely by Duane Chanders. But unfortunately for me, he has a few last things to say to me. “You’ll be transferred to the rehab center as soon as the prenup is filed with the court. And before you think you are being given a free pass to harass at will, know that the restraining orders against you are accompanying the prenup, as well as being given to your caseworker at the center. We’ll know every single phone call, letter, email, fucking flying falcon, and smoke signal you might send out in order to flout the law. And Lindsay, I’d be real careful of my past and future associations if I were you.”

I just want to scream at him, but instead I give him a blank look as if I’d turned my ears off to his threat. One thing is very, VERY clear. I need to contact Michael, Deb, and Simon. Even indirectly, I will be making Justin’s life a living hell… and the best part is he doesn’t even know it yet. 

DUANE:

“Do you think she will listen?” I ask Nancy, who is heading towards the lobby on her way to the exit.

“Not at all, but Lindsay can’t say she wasn’t warned. I think she’ll be shocked at just how thoroughly Julian wrote out the stipulations in that contract. John will most certainly go to his mental happy place each and every time he gets to call her on breaking the terms.”

“So when’s the ceremony?”

“Ah, you want a front row seat, do you?”

“Indeed. I need proof- or receipts as my sister would say- to know that this is actually going to happen.”

“I’m hoping to have it done before she transfers out of here this afternoon. Do you think you can delay the inevitable, until I can find someone to perform the ceremony?” Nancy asks me.

I smile, catching her vibe. “Technically Barrows can’t do it, but…”

“His ex-wife can. And I can’t think of anyone better to perform this impromptu wedding than John’s godmother. I’d be more than happy to call Judge Patricia Newsome on my way to drop these papers back to Julian so he can file them.”

“That would only leave the other part to make it official,” I suggest to Nancy, knowing she knows exactly what I’m speaking of.

“Well, think on where it can happen quickly, and let me know when I arrive back here this afternoon. I’ll call you right after I confirm that Patricia’s available.”

And with that last statement, Nancy breezed out of the building. Damn! That woman really is unbelievable, and just earned her place as someone else NOT to piss off. The top spots still belong to my mother, Jennifer, Suzette Alwin, Tatum Taylor, and most recently, my sister is joining those ranks quite fast. I won’t even talk about Mel, Cynthia, and Leda’s roles in all of this. 

But now with the very public addition of ally Nancy Peterson… Well, I just don’t think the world is ready for the Taylor-Kinney League of Extraordinary Women. Some people are going to get their asses KICKED, and not one woman- beyond my baby sister and maybe Leda- will break a single fingernail or chip their perfect nail polish doing it. I laugh aloud on the way back to my borrowed office within this building, while thinking of the chorus to that very famous Kenny Rogers song from The Gambler. It’s really going to suck being Lindsay and her cohorts-in-Cunty.

Couldn’t happen to a better bunch of assholes!