Chapter 4 - How I Went To Hell, And Why I Stayed

“When love is not madness, it is not love”

~Pedro Calderon de la Barca~

-   -   -

Justin’s point of view (past)

When my parents divorced last year my mother got custody of my sister Molly and dad got me. Mom was having trouble finding an apartment like she wanted so she  and Molly went to visit my grandparents in Connecticut and our house was put on the market but it would take some time to sell it, something about the market not being good they told me. I didn't mind them having trouble selling because 'Good then' I could have my room a bit longer, and honestly actually hoping they would be able to sell at all. I remember being anxious and sad about them divorcing but there wasn't much I could do about it. 

I went to Connecticut twice, for Thanksgiving and Christmas it was nice but I was a bit torn, my mother said she might want to stay there indefinitely and then she wants me to move there too but I wasn’t sure, because I didn’t really want to leave my friend Daphne and change schools. I wished I was older and could just move away and decide for myself.

It was different and maybe a little difficult sometimes. I missed Mom and my baby sister, but I didn’t miss how unhappy she was all the time and I certainly didn’t miss the arguments they would have every single day. Sure, I was used to her doing things for me, such as driving me places and cooking and taking care of the laundry, but dad got a cleaning lady, so it wasn’t like our house turned into a dump or anything. It was just less personal. And he certainly wasn’t home much so me and Daph would hang out at my house a lot, do our homework and wasting time watching TV. 

One day Dad introduced me to his new girlfriend Linda. A few months later they got married, and told me they were going to travel for a few weeks for their honeymoon. Meanwhile I would be going to live at a farm north of Pittsburgh were other kids my age lived. I think it was Linda’s idea to send me off to the countryside while they were away. At least I always had the feeling she didn’t like having me around. 

I would have to change schools anyway because my private school was too expensive, Dad said. By that time Mom had decided she would be staying permanently in Connecticut, and dad said I would go there as soon as she would be settled. I didn't feel good about it and told him I thought Mom was settled good enough and asked why I couldn’t go to her straight away instead of going to some farm but he said they both agree it would be good for me to learn some farm work. It would make a man out of me. Get my mind off that drawing nonsense. It was always Mom who encouraged my enthusiasm for art. He promised that he would visit me as soon as they would come back from their travels.

I’m not sure why I didn’t talk to Mom about it. I guess I was angry that she hadn’t asked me if I wanted to go and maybe I thought I could just call her if I didn’t like the farm.

How could I have known that they would take my phone and computer away and that there wouldn’t be any other phones?

Dad was right about learning farm work and that other kids lived there but that was about it. And he never once came to visit. If he had, I guess he would have taken me away but I guess I’ll never know for sure. I did think about if he knew what was going on here but I don’t want to believe he did. 

The farm wasn’t at all what I had expected. I never thought a place like this could exist. That this would ever happen to me. I guess I should have tried to run away but I guess I was too afraid. Jack made it clear to me very quickly that the reason my parents weren’t coming to visit was because they didn’t want me anymore and I guess I believed him a little bit. So basically my whole thinking is a mess, I don't understand it... It's like more I think about it… I just get more confused. Like, why hasn't mom visited? She's so careful about keeping everyone happy. She even used to ask me what I wanted for my birthday and Christmas presents in case I might not like what she got me. So, I wonder if she even knows I'm here. 

And then there was Brian. Before long I wanted to stay because of him. Brian was there when I got out of the car, he was the first of kids that I saw. He was wearing torn jeans and a gorgeous vintage leather jacket.  His hair and clothes were wet from the rain and he was holding a toolbox of some sort. He looked at me and suddenly I realized what those feelings were, the ones the boys at school talked about when talking about girls. Not that I had thought about it much if I liked girls or boys but when I saw Brian standing there I felt butterflies in my stomach… and my knees… and my spine. I simply forgot to breathe. 

It felt amazing but really confusing too because I was sure he didn’t feel the same for me. He was even a bit nasty to me. He woke me up at dark o’clock in the morning and we’d go to the stables. He insisted that I worked hard and get myself dirty. One day when I was washing my hands he told me not to. “What? Are you a girl or something?” he asked with a sneer. 

I didn’t understand at first but when I finally realized that he was doing this because he cared for me it was too late. Until that day, I had no idea what was going on in the basement. I asked Brian one day and he just told me “It’s hell. Don’t ever go near the basement.” I actually thought Jack was making them do some sort of work down there. Only, I didn't realize what kind of “work”.

One morning he didn’t show up to wake me and didn’t come to the stables. Cynthia told me he had been hurt and Edward was with him downstairs. That afternoon I found him behind the barn, smoking weed. He had a black eye and his lip was bruised… pretty much his whole face was messed up a bit... and he couldn’t sit down. I felt all cold on the inside because… maybe… someone must have attacked him. Like sexually maybe. I'm not stupid, something bad is going on downstairs. When I asked him what had happened, he just smoked silently and then told me that we needed to get away as soon as possible. He called me Sunshine and showed me a tattoo of a sun he had made on his wrist. He told me he was sorry he treated me so bad, that he did it because he liked me.

A few days later Joan came and told me to take a bath. Brian totally lost it and insisted that I had work to do in the stables. He said that he would go, that he was better at it and that I couldn’t do it. He begged her. Finally Jack dragged him screaming towards the barn. 

I guess I was in shock because when I think about that day it’s as if it happened to someone else.

I got out of the shower and Joan gave me clean white underwear and told me to put it on. Hunter was hiding in my room. He put his finger to his lips. Then he whispered to me. “Don’t fight. I never fight. The hurt Brian because he fights them. Let them think you like it. Be polite. Smile. It will be over before you know it. 

Joan took me to the basement. “This one is untouched. Don’t spoil him or it will cost you.” I was so confused. I'm untouched… Fuck. This is it. I just knew I couldn’t cry. It was far worse for Brian. He had bruises, he winches when sitting down. 

They filmed me. 

‘This can’t be happening... it’s not happening,’ 

“Get up on the table and dance. Take off your clothes… slowly... touch your nibbles yeah that's it … such a delicious little boy... he slit his fingers down my chest. “Look at you… such a pretty little thing…Come here my toy. Sit with me”

He pushed my face into his crotch “Open wide… take it all in… suck it… yeah that's good” 

‘Not gonna fight… Hunter said to pretend I like it…’ 

“This one is nice and obedient. We're gonna keep this one clean”

I didn't feel clean at all. I felt disgusting. I took a long shower. Didn't help much.

-     -

When it was over Joan and Brian were gone. I didn’t see him until late that night. He was in bed and had a cast on his arm.

“Are you hurt?” he asked me. I looked at his cast wanting to ask him what had happened but the answer was obvious.

“No… I…  “ I felt ashamed. He was the one lying bruised and broken in bed. I was fine.

“…they didn’t really hurt me… they just made me…. uhhh… ”  I couldn’t go on. I guess I was not fine. 

“Come here” he said and then he held me. He cried and I understood it wasn’t for the pain in his arm.

That night I tattooed a B on my wrist. I used a needle and some ink that Brian had from his grandfather. It really hurt and it might give me an infection. I have no idea who has used the needle before but I don’t care... because everything is changed now. Cynthia suggested I should do all of us. She got a small plain C. Hunter wanted a bow and arrow, honestly, his tattoo was the most detailed one and it took me a long time to make, but he did not show any sign of pain. When I asked Kira if she wanted a tattoo she nodded.

“But I don’t know what… I mean I do know but…” she looked away.

“What is it sweetie?” I asked her. Her huge eyes filled with tears and she silently bit her nails. 

“I know Brian is your uhm...Brian… and you are his sunshine… but can I have that too?  Because I think… you are my heroes...” she spoke the last words so low I could hardly hear her. I asked her if she wanted a sun tattoo on her wrist like the one Brian has.

“I want a sun with a B inside of it”

- - -