Chapter 8 - Lost in a web of lies
“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.” 

Chapter 8 ~ Lost In A Web Of Lies

"When truth is replaced with silence, the silence is a lie"

~Yevgeny Yevtushenko~

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Jennifer’s point of view, Pittsburgh Airport Marriott Hotel, Saturday night.

Justin has gone to his room to take a bath now. I’m worried about him. There is something seriously wrong. When I picked him up this afternoon I was shocked. He is so pale and thin. He said he’s vegan, but I can't accept that if he loses weight. I need to take him to see a nutritionist. He is so skinny, perhaps it's anorexia. I’ve read all those articles that it also happens to boys. I'm so mad at his father I need to call my lawyer.

The last couple of years have been very hard. I thought I really wanted another baby and went through three rounds of IVF to become pregnant. The hormones were nasty and then the pregnancy with Molly was hard on me, both physically and mentally, and it took me quite a while to find my balance again. She was a fussy baby and Craig stayed away most of the time, sometimes sleeping at the office telling me that he needed to be well rested to run his business. 

I guess my mind was clouded with all those hormones so I guess I was quite clueless for some time, but gradually I realized he was cheating on me with his secretary Linda, a woman nearer to Justin in age than his, such a cliché. I demanded that he’d fire her, so he did. We did some couples therapy but things had changed irrevocably. Those few times we actually did spend time together we fought most of the time. Then last year when I found out that he was still seeing her, I demanded a divorce. It would have been wrong to stay in that marriage but at the same time I have to say that it has been much harder than I thought it would be. 

Leaving Pittsburgh was possibly not the best idea, but I had simply hit rock bottom. I’ve always been such a people pleaser, trying so very hard not to rock any boats and present myself as the one who’s got things together. Friends were asking me if I would be keeping the house, and I certainly thought about it but I was worried that with this house marked I wouldn’t be able to get a good price for it and that I’d never be able to keep it anyway. I'd been so successful at putting up pretenses that our friends had no idea that Craig’s business hasn't been going as well as before for a couple of years, and our financial situation has been pretty bad lately. The house is really too big anyway and since I needed more than a part time job now, it would simply be too much work to maintain everything. 

The idea of getting an apartment somewhere close made more sense because I didn't want Justin to change schools in the middle of the school year. St. James is such a good school. I looked at different apartments but everything in our neighborhood was so expensive. My parents offered to help but I found it difficult to accept. Everything came crashing down. I was constantly physically exhausted, anxious, my social life was non-existing, I hardly have friends of my own that I'm in touch with and definitely didn't feel good going to the places Craig and I had frequented, such as our country club so I also fell out of touch with our mutual friends. I was depressed. I ticked all the boxes. Finally my parents demanded I would come and stay with them for awhile and find my feet again. I’d then taken Molly to Connecticut, but Justin had school so he asked to stay with his father. 

At first I was only planning to stay for a few weeks but then I was offered a decent job close to where my parents live and they really want me around. My mother even offered to look after Molly while I’d be getting settled at work and it just felt right. The guest apartment in their house is big enough for me and both the kids and it feels right. I thought about next year when Justin goes to high school, that I would try to get him to come live with me. I mentioned it to him when we came to visit during the holidays but he wasn't very impressed, told me that all of his friends were staying at St. James for their highschool program and that moving away was maybe not what he wanted. I didn't want to press it, I thought I had plenty of time to talk with him about it later.

Justin stopped taking my calls about two months ago. My therapist assured me that it was normal for a teenager in this situation to go through some phases of not wanting to talk to their mom and to give him time, but after a month or so I thought enough was enough. I tried to call him a few times but the call went straight to voicemail. I emailed him but he never wrote back. He did not seem to be using his facebook or instagram  either. Well at least he wasn’t posting anything that his mother was allowed to see anyway. 

Craig wasn’t taking my phone calls either. I was getting worried about Justin so in the end I called Craig’s work and was told he was still in Sydney... as in Australia? Really?
I was told he was there for the winter working with the Australian branch of the company. What Australian branch? And they told me Craig’s electronics had been merged with… I don't remember what she called it… and they were opening up a new store in Sydney.

I was very angry that he had taken Justin to the other side of the world without asking me so I found myself a lawyer to try to get the custody agreement reversed. A couple of weeks later I ran into a co-worker of Craig’s from Pittsburgh. And now I got a major shock. She told me she and her husband  had spent a lovely couple of weeks in Australia with Craig. She asked me how Justin liked living in Connecticut. 

WHAT?!

I have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face. It had to be some kind of a misunderstanding. How could that be?  When I finally got a hold of Craig he told me that since he had custody it was none of my business how he conducted their private matters. 

It hadn’t been practical for him to take him with them to Australia and they had found an agency specializing in farm stay experience for young people and that it was good to let Justin get some new experiences. 

“How could you send our child to live on a farm somewhere without letting me check it out first, let alone telling me about it so I could take care of things while you're away!” I was livid. "When did you speak to him last?"

He spoke calmly, telling me that there was no reason to worry, he trusted the agency to be managing everything and they would call him if there was a problem. That I should trust them too. 

“So you're not even in direct contact with him? How do you even know if he’s alright?” I yelled into the phone,  I demanded that he’d tell me where he was staying so that I could go and check on his wellbeing and he just told me not to get so hysterical and that all that smothering would turn the boy into a goddamned fag. Then he asked me to quit calling in the middle of the night and hung up on me. I had been way too angry to consider the time difference.

I couldn’t believe it. I called my lawyer straight away and he told me Craig was right. Because he had custody of our son he was free to make decisions on his behalf including moving him to a different school and provide temporary living arrangements for Justin while Craig was abroad. He advised me to go to Pittsburgh anyway,  find Justin at his school and talk to him there. That was my full right.

So I called the school but they informed me that Justin was now going to a school just out of town. When I called that school they knew nothing about him. I called the other schools in the area, and when I couldn’t find him I started to get really worried. No, that’s an understatement, I was actually hysterical this time. Craig wouldn’t pick up the phone and in the end I emailed him threatening to take my story to the media and do everything in power to damage his reputation.

He wrote back one line: Jack Kinney, address and a telephone number. Noone picked up when I called. 

I refused to listen to those who told me maybe I was overreacting a little bit but thankfully my mother was on my side. She took Molly and I quickly packed a bag and drove straight to the airport. This spontaneity was so unlike me but thankfully I got a flight. While I waited for the flight I gathered my thoughts a bit. It occurred to me that I didn’t have a place to stay and couldn't very well descend on friends without a proper warning. I needed to find a hotel room. Thankfully one of my friends, Justyna, works in a hotel and she was able to find me a room. Unlike me she was thinking straight and she asked for my flight number so that she could book a pickup from the airport. I told her in very short terms why I was coming to Pittsburgh and she told me to try to relax, come straight to the hotel and she would find me a rental car and take care of everything I needed. 

I kept trying the number and had no luck until I was already in Pittsburgh when finally a woman answered. She wasn’t very welcoming, wouldn’t let me speak to Justin said that was not how they worked. I guess I was pretty rude to her. I told her I would be coming there with the police if she didn’t let me speak to Justin that very minute. She told me there was no need to overreact, that Justin was out playing and that he would be home in about one hour. I told her I would come to visit that afternoon. Thank God I went and got him. 

He’s with me in the hotel now and he really worries me. My sweet boy who used to be so cocky and forward seems withdrawn as if he’s somewhat disappeared into himself, he was all stiff when I tried to hug him and doesn't really want to look me in the eyes or talk either. My son needs help and I’m going to get him that help. To hell with custody rules, I simply don’t care at this point. We’re going to Connecticut tomorrow.

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Justin's point of view

“Justin! Sweetheart…. ”

My mother steps out of the car and gives me a hug. I feel right away how shocked she is because she lets go of me immediately. I’m trying my best to keep it together. It’s so strange to see her again, I last saw her for Christmas. She looked great then, now she looks as if she hasn’t slept for days. I’m confused. Did she really not know? Why else did she come now all of a sudden and not earlier. It’s so unlike her, she likes to plan everything and be in control all the time. During the first weeks I half expected her to come and check things out. But she never came and I actually wondered if maybe Jack was right she knew and actually didn’t care.

“What’s wrong baby...You’re so thin!” 

How do I get out of this? She really really can not know anything at this point, it’s just plain dangerous. I saw Jack clean the rifle earlier. That’s what Joan was referring to. He’s ready to kill all of us if he feels he has to. 

“I'm vegan now, eating animals is cruel. They’re my friends.” I’m living on a farm. She’ll buy that right?

“Well, there are other options, there’s plenty of healthy vegan choices. Did you not make sure he had had those options Mrs. Kinney?! He’s a growing boy for Christ’s sake!”

Good she believes me. And it made her angry. I don’t think she knows anything, that means she’s not one of them. But I can’t say anything more. She’ll make a scene and that puts her in danger. Think. What would Brian do? Stay calm... stay cool...

“I will not allow you to stay here if it makes you look sick!”   Weirdly, I suddenly remember being taught in school that cheetahs are the most protective mothers. She is fuming, full on protective cheetah mode.

“Justin we’re leaving. You’re coming with me! Come, let me help you pack.”

Joan had already made sure I packed, there was no way she was letting an outsider into the house. It's not that I had much, most of the clothes I bought with me are not worth keeping anymore, and the computer and phone have probably been sold weeks ago. So yeah, I had packed all the things I wanted to take. Besides, 'materialistic things' are not what I want to take away from here. I grab the bag from where I had left it by the front door before I went to say my goodbyes to my friends and toss it on the back seat. 

In the car she tells me she’s taking me to Connecticut and that I’m gonna eat some quality food. She then goes on about something else. I zone her out and stare out of the window thinking about Brian. Oh God... I think back to our goodbye...

“Will you be alright Justin?”

“No! … Will you leave here and come find me ? You remember my handle, right?” He had teased me about that when I first told him.

“@jtlovesdc...”  he replies with a hint of a smile but it doesn’t sound convincing.

“Do you promise?”

“I… I’ll…” he stared at me and a single tear escaped, like he knew he couldn’t promise me anything and so he didn’t. I understood.

“I’m gonna miss you… I… I love you” I said. He grabbed me, really kind of desperately hard almost as if… as if he knew he would never see me again. We hugged… he kissed me just below my ear…  I wish he kissed me on the mouth. I wanted it so bad for weeks now but he never did. He always said he didn’t want my memory of my first kiss to be bad. How could it have been bad though, it was HIM, it would always have been good.  

Suddenly someone is shaking me out of my thoughts. 

It's mom of course, who else. It took a bit of effort to snap out of it. We're stopped at a red light. 

“Justin… Justin! Honey, are you alright?” She asks in a worried voice. She places her hand on my forehead and asks me if I had a fever. I pull away in a hurry, which of course upsets her even more. 

“No, I’m fine, I’m fine! I’m just excited to see Molly” I try a lie. I’m not sure if she’s buying it… But at least she doesn’t ask any more questions. 

I get lost in my thoughts again. ‘...Should I tell her? What will happen then? Would she be able to do anything about it anyway? Would she even believe me? And then what? If she’d tell the police and they started sniffing around… No. Some of the guys who come for us are police… They'll just move the kids somewhere else and then I’ll never be able to find Brian again.’ 

I’m not paying attention to where we’re driving but after some time we’re at the hotel. It’s huge and I feel like I’ve been here before but I’m not sure. I try not to moan as I stretch my painful muscles. I’m a little dizzy, my throat hurts. When we come inside I realize where we are. I have been here before. I recognise a few people working in the lobby. One of my mother's oldest friends Justyna has been a manager here for years, that's why I've been here before. They have been friends since before I was born and apparently they decided to name their oldest kids after each other. I can see by the way Justyna looks at me and the worried looks she and Mom share that they think I’ve been dieting on purpose. I have not, I just haven't been hungry lately.  

And oh shit… Daphne's older brother Damien. He’s in hotel school and mom introduced him to Justyna when he was looking for an internship. He tells us he’s in charge of the lobby for the night and if we need anything to ask for him personally.

He then asks me if I would like to meet Daph tomorrow, says she’d love to see me. 

I can see he’s trying to sound all positive about it as if he’s afraid to spook me. As if Daph just casually wants to hang out. There is no way my best friend didn’t notice I stopped replying to her messages for two whole months.  

“Yeah, sorry about that, I was gonna write but there was no internet...” Shit… bad excuse. It only makes them look more worried. I might as well overplay it. 

“And I was gonna call but the dog ate all the phones and…” ok this works, they’re laughing. 

“Please tell her I’m so sorry. I was busy getting to know the other kids and the new school… I feel very bad for neglecting her,” at least my embarrassed look is not fake. 

Damien is great about it and offers to bring her here tomorrow before we leave if that’s ok. My mom says that’s a wonderful idea but I’m not sure. I don't want to see Daph, all I want is to get away from here and go find Brian. When I hesitate I notice them exchanging worried looks so I smile politely and pretend that I would love to meet Daphne. I need them to think I have everything together and there’s no reason to worry. 

That’s probably not working because my mother tells him we won’t be dining in the restaurant but would rather use room service. He promises to take care of our order and asked me what I’m in the mood for. Food is the last thing on my mind and I remember I need to appear consistent so I ask what they make vegan. My mother still looks worried. 

“Ofcourse, There is a wonderful vegan menu. I’m vegan myself so I should know,” Damien quickly replies, “Do you like pizza?” 

Ah, he’s testing me to see if I’m shy of calories and will ask for a small salad. When I say yes, he continues, “there’s this amazing spinach artichoke one with olives and vegan ricotta cheese, and plenty of garlic oil, it’s simply to die for” 

I can play along “Sounds great, do you think they can add cashews onto it?” My Mom smiles. She’s really too easy. “And a large Fanta please, the real sugar one.”  I should get an Oscar. 

Everyone else pretty much treats us like royalty, maybe because Justyna is still there. She says normally doesn’t work this late and that she’ll need to be going home soon but hopes we can all have brunch together tomorrow. I don't know how I’m able to keep pretending I’m happy about it all. I even manage a polite conversation  “Maybe you could bring Jenny, I’d love to meet her, I’m sure Daph would like that too, we missed her when you guys moved. I heard she was doing great now”. That worked. Jenny had a treatment for anorexia and me pretending to care seemed to make both Justyna and Mom happy. They decide on a time to meet and then Justyna wished us a good night and a good stay and is happily on her way.

I’m not the least bit hungry, but I know that if I tell mom that she’ll call a doctor immediately and if they find out anything they'll send the police straight to the farm and I just know Jack would kill every single one of the kids if he heard sirens. I’m so worried for them… 

I eat my pizza pretending to like it. My stomach is in no shape to deal with food now, let alone a whole pizza. It makes me feel pretty horrible so I tell my mom that I would like to take a bath. I want to be alone. For some small miracle our suite is a double, I have my own room, I thank all kinds of higher powers for that because there is no way in hell I can keep up this act a second longer. So I go to my bathroom and turn on the faucet in the bathtub so she won’t hear me throwing up. I’m burning up, she was right about that when she asked me in the car. I guess the drugs Joan made me take have worn off. I take a cold shower to cool myself down. Then I go out to see her and tell her I have a slight headache and ask her if she has any Advil. She’s on the phone, with her lawyer she tells me, but reaches for her purse and gives me two Advil and kisses me good night. 

I’m not gonna sleep though. I want to sneak out when she’s gone to bed. I have to get back to Brian somehow. It really is the only thing I can think of.