Resist

Part 7

Justin looked up at the small house. He had managed to get the address from Lindsay, although she had been very reluctant to give it to him. He knew what he was doing was crazy and inexplicable and probably wrong. He would undoubtedly regret it later, but he had to do it anyway. He must be completely out of his mind. That was the only possible explanation.

He took a deep breath and started up the walk to the front door. He rang the bell and waited. Finally the door opened. A slightly blowsy looking woman asked him what he wanted.

"Is Brian Kinney in?" he asked.

"Who wants to know?" she demanded.

Justin could tell she had been drinking. He could smell it. "I … I'm Justin Taylor. I need to talk to Brian."

"I'll see," she said and shut the door in his face.

Justin waited and waited and waited some more. Just as he was wondering if the woman had forgotten about him or drank herself into a stupor or run off with the postman, the door opened.

This time a middle aged man stood in front of him. "Brian's not home," he said and slammed the door.

Justin raised his finger to touch the bell and then thought better of it. He knew Brian was in there. He knew Brian didn't want to talk to him and he knew why. He slowly lowered himself onto the front step and sat there staring out at the street. He would wait some more.

Brian closed the curtain in his room. He had not seen Justin leave. He had had to convince his aunt and uncle to lie about him being home. He was pretty sure they had made a huge fuck-up of the lie. They made a huge fuck-up of just about everything they did.

He sat down on the bed. He knew Justin was still outside nearby. He could feel his presence. What the fuck was he going to do? His father had wanted him to have a new start in America and he had tried. But instead he had made all the same mistakes … all over again. He had tried to deny what he was but that never seemed to get him anywhere. It only seemed to create more problems. Maybe if he could get back home he could put up a pretense that he could maintain. He could let on that he had found himself in America and that everything was going to be fine. Maybe he would be able to live a normal life and be what people expected him to be. The only problem with that whole idea was that he didn't want that life. What he wanted was right outside the house. If only Justin would admit that they could be more that just fuck-buddies. He shook his head. He knew he was going to have to talk to Justin Taylor once more.

He stood up trying to gather his resolve. He rubbed the tattoo on his middle finger. He wasn't sure where the urge to resist had gone, but he would try one more time with Justin. Maybe the third time would be the charm, his lucky charm, like the cereal he had seen advertised on TV. He laughed and it sounded slightly hysterical even to himself. He drew a deep breath and stood up straight. This would all be over in a few minutes and he would know one way or the other where his life was going.

Brian ignored the warnings of his aunt as he passed through the living room. He knew Justin was still outside. That was precisely where he was going. He opened the front door and saw the blond head. He felt a constriction in his chest. Maybe this time it would work out right.

"Justin," he said softly.

Justin looked around over his shoulder. The pain in his face was clearly evident. Brian wanted to take him in his arms and kiss the pain away. He steeled himself against doing that.

"I thought you weren't home," Justin said belligerently.

"My aunt's not much of a liar."

"It was your uncle."

"He's even worse, especially when he's drunk. What do you want?"

"I wish I had an answer to that question," Justin admitted sounding defeated.

"Then why the fuck are you here?"

"I had to see you. You've done something to me," Justin said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"And just what is it that I've done?"

"I don't know."

"Let me get this straight," Brian said. "You don't know what you want and you don't know what I've done to you." Justin nodded. "Then what makes you think there's any point in coming here."

"I had to."

Brian frowned. "Had to?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. I felt compelled to come here." Justin's eyes were full of tears that he was trying valiantly to keep from falling.

"Kind of like I felt compelled to come down here and talk to you … even though I didn't want to," Brian whispered.

Justin looked into the golden eyes. "You feel the compulsion too?" he asked. Brian nodded and waited for Justin to say something else. Justin merely stared at him wondering what to do next.

Neither man knew what to say to make things better. Finally Brian said, "I'm going back to Ireland."

Justin kept his face averted not letting Brian read his emotions. He swallowed a couple of times and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Nothing came out.

Brian shook his head and stood up. "So that's it then." He turned and put his hand on the doorknob feeling another slice of his heart being shaved away. He turned the knob, but had not opened the door when he thought he heard something. "Did you say something?" he asked looking down at Justin who still sat on the steps his hands clasped around his knees.

"I said 'Don't go'," he whispered.

"Don't go where?" Brian asked. "Don't go back into the house? Don't go back to Ireland? Don't go out of my life?" The last question came out in some strangled voice that Brian didn't recognize.

"All of the above," Justin whispered.

"What are you trying to do to me?" Brian gasped. He couldn't stand this anymore.

"I'm so confused, Brian," Justin admitted trying to force air to keep going in and out of his lungs. His chest felt like it was in a vise.

Brian released the doorknob and went back to sit down beside Justin. He had thought he was the screwed up one, but Justin seemed to be even worse off than him. "What are we doing to each other?" Brian asked in a small voice.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know why I'm here. Oh, God help me! I need you," he admitted with a raspy voice full of emotion.

Involuntarily Brian found his arm going around Justin's shoulders and he pulled the smaller man against his chest. Justin's head fit perfectly under his chin and he kissed the top of the blond head without thinking about what he was doing. He could feel Justin shaking against him … or maybe that was both of them shaking against each other. They held onto each other drawing strength from the contact, each trying to regain some kind of control.

"What are we going to do?" Justin mumbled against Brian's chest.

"I don't have a clue," Brian said still holding Justin tight. He liked this feeling of being close … without the need for sex. Shit! Why did he have to think that? He could feel his cock stiffen at the very thought.

Brian felt Justin pull away and wipe at his eyes. They looked at each other. Sadness and guilt and need filled both pairs of eyes. They continued to stare into each other's eyes. Words were impossible.

Finally Justin sucked in some air and said, "Please, don't go back to Ireland. We have … unfinished business."

"Do we?" Brian asked arching his eyebrows. He sucked in his bottom lip thinking about Justin's request and how he had said it … like he really meant it, like it really meant something to him.

"I'd say we need to talk some more, but other things seem to happen when we're together," Justin admitted with a little smile.

"Yeah."

"Could we go somewhere away from here and talk? And I really mean talk."

"There's a little park a couple of streets over. Want to go there?" Brian asked thinking that maybe they could get some things sorted out.

Justin nodded and they started walking down the street with Brian a little ahead leading the way. They didn't speak. Each of them was running possible conversations through his head. Neither knew what he should say. Fear grew as they saw the park up ahead. This could all go wrong again.

The park seemed to be empty on the late fall day. They went over to the swings and each took one, swinging back and forth a little bit and casting furtive glances at the other one. Silently they had agreed to keep some space between them so that they could actually have their talk.

"So are we going to talk?" Brian asked.

"I'm no good at relationship crap," Justin blurted out. He watched Brian wince.

"I've never had a relationship, so I don't know whether I'd be any good at it or not," Brian admitted.

Justin was thankful that his statement hadn't caused Brian to get up and leave. He understood that Brian seemed to want some kind of relationship with him. The fact that Brian had never had a relationship and admitted it gave Justin courage to continue. "I take it that the girls told you about what happened with my previous lovers?" Brian nodded. "Well, I was a fucking stupid romantic back then, and I refuse to do that anymore."

"You can be a romantic without getting hurt," Brian said thinking of his parents.

"I doubt it."

"You can. I've known a few," Brian said thoughtfully. "But I also know how badly things can turn out."

"What does that mean?" Justin asked.

"We were talking about you, weren't we?" Brian asked deflecting Justin's question.

Justin wanted to pursue Brian's knowledge of bad experiences in the romance department, but could tell that Brian didn't want to say any more. Not wanting to drive Brian away he said, "I learned my lesson about romance the hard way."

"Tell me what happened," Brian said staring straight ahead, afraid to look at Justin.

Justin continued to swing, gently thinking about what he could say, how much he could reveal without falling apart. "I found this guy in high school. His name was Chad. He was a year ahead of me in school. We were the only gay kids at St. James as far as we knew. We would look at each other and bump into each other and smile knowingly. That went on for a month or two. One day I had stayed late to finish up something in the science lab. When I came out Chad was at his locker. He came over and leaned close to me. I remember thinking I would die because I couldn't breathe with his face so close to mine. The hall was empty and he leaned in and stroked my dick through my uniform. I came right there in the hall. I was so embarrassed and ran for the washroom to clean up. Chad followed me and offered to help. As soon as he touched my dick I was hard again. He kissed me and pulled me into a cubicle. I had my first blowjob that afternoon. I gave my first blowjob right after too."

"How romantic!" Brian said sarcastically.

"I haven't got to the romantic part yet," Justin stated defiantly. "Of course, I fell in love with Chad. He was great looking. I wrote him long letters telling him everything I was feeling and how much I wanted him. We'd meet in the washroom or under the bleachers or in a borrowed car. We'd kiss a lot and jack each other off or give each other a blowjob. It was all secretive and exciting and fun."

"So what happened to dear old Chad?"

"Dear old Chad graduated a few months later. I wrote him a letter saying I loved him and would try to see him as much as possible when he went to college. He wrote me a short sweet Dear John letter saying that he didn't want to see me anymore. He was starting a new life in college and would meet new people. I was still a kid and would be better off with kids my own age."

"That sounds fairly decent," Brian observed.

"Oh sure," Justin grimaced at the memory, "until I found out that dear Chad had shared my letters with one of his friends who proceeded to spread it all over St. James that I was a fag and a loser. I even found one of my love letters posted on a bulletin board. Chad's name had been blacked out, but it was clear that it was written to a male by what I described us doing in the letter, and of course my name was conveniently left at the bottom. My last year at St. James was hell on Earth as a result."

"Didn't Chad try to help you, try to stop it?"

"Chad went off to college and I never heard from him again. I've often wondered if spreading the news about me was some sort of plan of his to make sure I didn't try to follow him or bother him in college."

"That was a fucking shitty thing to do," Brian admitted.

"You don't know the half of it."

"I have some experience with shitty situations," Brian said ruefully.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Finish your story first," Brian requested not at all sure that he could share his experiences with Justin.

"You really want to hear all this crap?"

"I do."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"I'll take my chances." Brian still wanted to understand Justin better.

"Here goes," Justin said letting out a sigh. "The first year I was at Pitt, I met Tad."

Brian snorted. "Chad, Tad,"

"Yeah, quite a coincidence, isn't it?"

"You should stop finding men with one syllable names that end in 'ad'."

"I found you, didn't I?"

They stared into each other's eyes estimating the import of that statement.

Justin cleared his throat. "So, we met on campus and we fell in love almost immediately." The irony in Justin's voice was clearly evident.

"You mean you fell in lust?" Brian asked.

"No, I mean I fell in love and I thought Tad did too."

"But he didn't?"

"It seemed like he had for a couple of months. I was so happy. We spent every minute that we could together. We fucked at every opportunity. We were so good together."

"So what happened to this great romance?"

"I wish I knew," Justin admitted shaking his head. "I knew Tad wasn't the most stable person I had ever met, but he was fun and exciting and the sex was great. He drank quite a bit, but seemed to be handling it."

"Where's the down side of this fucking relationship?" Brian asked abruptly. He was sick of hearing how happy Justin had been and how great Tad was.

"After a couple of months Tad started to be out when I would go to his dorm. He'd say he was at the library or had a big assignment to work on. We still saw each other and fucked, but not as much and never as … enthusiastically," Justin said deciding those were the best words to describe what had happened.

"So he was cheating on you," Brian said with a tinge of sarcasm.

"Big time. But you haven't heard the worst of it."

"Was there a Brad involved?"

"Huh?" Justin said not getting what Brian meant.

"You know Chad, Tad, Brad."

"Oh, no. There was no Brad." A small smile played at the corners of Justin's mouth. Brian did make him smile … sometimes.

"Tell me the rest of it."

"I had one other friend that I made when I came to Pitt," Justin began.

"Only one?" Brian smirked.

"I had lots of friends but only Daphne and Mark were close friends, or so I thought."

"I think I see where this is heading," Brian said shaking his head.

"You got it. Mark and Tad were screwing around behind my back. Tad pretended to be my boyfriend and worse still Mark pretended to be my friend."

"Well I say, fuck 'em!"

"I said that and a lot more. I think ultimately it was Mark's betrayal that hurt most of all. I used to tell him what was happening with Tad. I told him all my hopes and fears and he would listen and tell me not to worry. Then he'd go to his dorm and fuck my so-called boyfriend."

"You sure know how to pick friends … and boyfriends," Brian said sarcastically.

"That's the point. This whole mess coupled with what happened in high school has made me doubt my own senses. People I relied on and thought I could trust all stabbed me in the back. I couldn't trust my own judgment anymore."

"So you decided not to trust anyone."

"Pretty much."

"But you still trust Daphne and, I guess, Lindsay?"

"Yeah, but they're girls. It's men that I have no judgment about."

"And this is why you kicked me out after we fucked?"

Justin sighed. "Partly. But there was more to it than that. I turned into a pretty heartless asshole after all this happened. I refused to let anybody hurt me. The best way to do that was to take my pleasure without regard to anyone else's feelings. I systematically set about doing that. If I felt anything for anyone, I immediately kicked them out and never had any more to do with them."

"And that's what you were doing with me when you kicked me out the next morning."

"I should have kicked you out that night. Nobody makes it to the next morning." Brian's eyebrows went up. What was Justin admitting? He waited. "I don't know why I let you stay. I don't know why I asked you to come to my room once again. I don't know why I'm here with you now."

"Yes, you do."

Justin glanced at Brian hearing that simple statement. He wondered if Brian really understood what was going on between them. He wasn't sure he did.

"I don't want romance and … falling in love," Justin whispered. "I can't do that again."

"Yes, you can," Brian said softly. "With the right person."