Resist

Part 8

Brian and Justin continued to rock back and forth on the swings in the park. Brian's words hung heavy in the air. "You can have love and romance … with the right person."

"Do you really believe that?" Justin asked finally. Brian nodded. "Come back to my room with me."

"Will you kick me out once we're done?" Brian asked rather sadly. They both knew what would happen there. Brian saw Justin wince at his question.

"I'm scared, Brian. I won't lie about that."

"And you think I'm not?" Brian questioned.

"I know I hurt you when I kicked you out, but I couldn't risk not doing that."

"I haven't actually heard you say that you'll take that risk even now."

Justin sighed. "I don't know." He watched Brian's shoulders stiffen as he sat up straight in the swing seat. His eyes peered into the distance and he seemed to be thinking.

"No," Brian began, "I won't come to your room with you. I want you and it would be all too easy to go there. But you're not ready." Justin opened his mouth to protest, but didn't say anything as he realized Brian was probably right. "I'm not sure I am either."

"What do you mean?" Justin asked looking into the golden eyes.

"I think we both have fears and … issues that we need to get a grip on before we do anything more."

Justin nodded. That was true. "Except that I don't know what your issues are."

"I can't tell you just yet," Brian said softly. "That's one of the things I have to come to terms with." He needed to talk to his father. "We need to go a little slower."

"I did push you, didn't I?" Justin asked.

"Only with the force of one of those fucking monster construction bulldozers." Justin looked chagrined. "But I didn't do anything I didn't want to do," Brian added.

Justin smiled a little. He was glad of that. "Are you still going back to Ireland?"

"Do you want me to stay here?"

"Yes," came the whispered reply.

"I have to call my father. He thinks I'm coming back on Friday."

"You'll tell him you're staying?" Justin asked hopefully.

Brian nodded. "He's not going to be happy."

"But I will be," Justin grinned.

"Don't do that," Brian said looking away.

"What?"

"Smile like that. It lights up the sky and makes me fucking weak in the knees."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Very bad when I'm trying to be strong."

Suddenly Justin pulled Brian from his seat on the swing and they were locked in a crushing embrace. Hands wandered, lips compressed, tongues probed, and the world spun out of control.

"Come with me," Justin whispered when he was able to get a breath, his body still pressed against Brian.

"I can't," Brian said softly holding this man close.

"Yes, you can."

"I can, but I won't," Brian said stepping back. "We can't do this until we settle things."

"How do we do that?"

"I talk to my father and you decide what I really mean to you. And it better be more than a goddam fuck."

"It already is. Can't you tell that?"

"But I want to hear it. And I want you to mean it."

Justin shook his head in wonder. This demanding Irishmen had managed to turn his whole way of life upside down, and the funny thing was that he didn't mind. He knew he was smiling stupidly at Brian.

"What?" Brian asked.

"Just looking at you," Justin continued to grin.

Brian grinned back. God, he wanted to go home with Justin, wanted to be with him, to be fucked by him, to fuck him. He frowned. He needed to get out of there before all of his resolve was shot to hell. He rubbed his middle finger reminding himself to "resist" even though it didn't have the same meaning anymore.

Brian leaned in and gave Justin a soft, sweet kiss and then he took off running back to his aunt and uncle's.

Justin watched him go. He knew he had fallen in love with the tall Irishman. If only he could be sure that he could trust him. He wasn't sure he could do that, didn't know how to do that, at least not yet.

-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----

"So what's the scoop?" Daphne asked as she and Justin sat on a bench on campus. They had bought coffees and sat out in the warm fall day to enjoy them. There wouldn't be many more days like this as winter approached.

"I talked to him."

"And…?"

"He may not go back to Ireland."

"Is that all? He may not go back to Ireland. I didn't even know he was considering going back to Ireland. Did you tell him how you feel?"

"As much as I could."

Daphne groaned. "You didn't tell him you love him, did you?" Justin shook his head. "Oh fuck, Justin! What's the matter with you?"

"Once burned twice shy."

"So?"

"Twice burned - catatonic."

Daphne groaned again. "I know you've been hurt, but this is your chance for a new start."

"Or another disaster," Justin said skeptically.

"Don't think that way. I have a good feeling about you and Brian."

"It's good feelings that always get me into trouble."

"Justin, give it a chance. Give Brian a chance."

Justin shook his head. "I poured out my whole story to him and he told me nothing in return. He said he had to talk to his father instead."

"Did he say he wouldn't tell you about himself?"

"No, but if he's so honest and wants me to trust him, why couldn't he just tell me right out?"

"I don't know. Maybe there are other considerations."

"Maybe there are. But, all I know is the next move is up to him."

-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----

Brian waited for his parents to accept the charges on the phone call. He heard his mother saying she would.

"Ma," Brian said.

"Brian, it's so good to hear your voice. And I'll be able to see you on Saturday," she said her voice full of hope and love.

"Um … Ma … I need to talk to Da about that."

"You are coming home, aren't you?" He could hear the worry in her voice.

"I don't know yet, Ma. Let me talk to Da."

"Oh Brian…" she moaned and he could hear her transferring the phone to her husband.

"Brian, what's going on?"

"Something's happened," he began not knowing how to tell his father.

"What?" his father asked brusquely. Brian knew he wasn't going to like this.

"I'm … I'm pretty sure I'm gay, Da," Brian said trying to keep his voice from quavering.

"But you said you'd straightened yourself out and you were coming home," his dad protested.

"I know, but something happened."

"You said that before. What the fuck has gone wrong."

"I think it's finally gone right," Brian said trying to be positive. "I've met someone."

"As in a man?"

"Yes, Da," Brian admitted quietly.

"But what about straightening out."

Brian sighed. He knew his father only wanted the best for him. His father thought his life would be so much easier if he was straight, and he was probably right about that.

"I tried … really I did, but I wasn't happy. It's not who I am."

"So you've given up trying."

"What's the point? It's not going to work."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I … just know."

"Okay, son, I won't pressure you anymore. Are you coming home Friday night?"

"Can you cash in the ticket and get most of the money back?" Brian asked knowing that would tell his father that he wasn't coming.

"I can try," his father sighed. "Who … who is this man?"

"His name's Justin Taylor … and I think I love him."

"Brian…"

"I know, Da. I'm a big disappointment. I'm sorry."

"Brian, I don't want you to be sorry. You have to live your life in the way that suits you best. I sent you to America to figure out what way that was. I'll live with the results."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Your Ma and I love you, son. Remember that. If this is the way you want things, if you're sure, then we're all right with it."

"Thanks, Da." Brian could feel the silent tears that rolled down his cheeks.

"I'll try to cash in the ticket."

"I hope I won't need one anytime soon. I'm going to try to make it work over here."

"We miss you."

"I miss you too, but I don't think I can come home for awhile."

"I think that would be wise, especially if you are with … Justin."

"Thanks for understanding, Da."

"I'm doing my best."

"I know you are. Talk to you soon."

"Love you, son."

Brian hung up the phone. He gave his face a swipe to get rid of the watery streaks on his cheeks. He sat on the sofa staring at the phone for a minute or two before he could get his legs to work to carry himself up to his room. He had just cut the ties with Ireland. If things didn't work out with Justin he wasn't sure he could ever go back.

-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----

"Justin," Lindsay called to him as he made his way across campus. Justin stopped and waited for Lindsay to catch up.

"You look all freshly scrubbed and happy," Justin observed.

"I just talked to Brian," she gushed. "He's not leaving for Ireland."

"He isn't?" Justin asked. He had not heard from Brian since their talk in the park. He had been expecting, hoping, to hear from him at any moment. He should have had enough time to think about and arrange what he was going to do. Apparently he had, but he hadn't bothered to call. He had told Lindsay instead.

"He said he had talked to his parents and told them he wouldn't be coming home any time soon."

"That's … interesting."

"Interesting? It's great news. His father had already bought the ticket for him to go home and everything was arranged."

"Why did he change his mind?" Justin asked wanting to know if Brian had said anything about him.

"He didn't really say, but I bet it's because of you."

"Me? Did he say that?"

"No, but I think he wants to be with you. It's a feeling I have."

Justin began walking faster. Brian hadn't called him and hadn't told Lindsay anything about their conversation. Obviously Brian did things on his own without consultation, just like Tad.

"Justin, slow down," Lindsay said practically running to keep up with him.

"What for?"

"So we can finish our conversation."

"I have nothing more to say."

"What happened? You were fine a couple of minutes ago."

"What happened?" Justin bellowed. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I went to Brian and practically begged him not to go back to Ireland. He said he had to arrange some stuff. He hasn't contacted me since, but he found time to talk to you. He's just like all the rest, playing me."

"Justin," Lindsay said grabbing his arm to keep him from walking away. "I called him and pried the information out of him. He didn't call me."

"That doesn't change the fact that he should have called me. I've been waiting ever since yesterday afternoon … and nothing."

"He may still be making arrangements," Lindsay said trying to excuse Brian.

"Don't defend him, Lindsay. He should have called me, and you know it!"

"He's been busy undoing all the things he had arranged so he could leave," she said in Brian's defense.

"If he's staying because of me, the least he could do is tell me so."

"Don't be angry. I'm sure he'll call you any minute."

"Maybe it would be better if he didn't. I knew I couldn't trust him. I can't trust anyone. I should know better."

Justin stormed off before Lindsay could say anything more. She immediately pulled out her cell phone and dialed the Kinney residence. Brian's aunt answered and called Brian to the phone.

"What is it now, Lindsay?" Brian asked. "I'm still busy."

"I … I may have screwed things up between you and Justin."

"What?"

"I told him that I had talked to you and you weren't going back to Ireland."

"So?"

"Um … Justin seemed to think you should have told him that yourself."

"Fuck!" Brian reacted. He turned his back to his aunt and uncle wishing he could have some privacy.

"I'm sorry, Brian. I thought he would be happy to know that you were staying."

"And wasn't he happy?"

"He was mostly mad that you hadn't called him."

"Well thanks a bunch for making matters worse."

"That wasn't my intention," Lindsay said clearly upset that she had messed things up.

"I know. I know."

"What are you going to do? You should call him."

"I have a better idea."

"What is it?" Lindsay asked grateful that Brian no longer seemed angry.

"Bye, Lindsay," Brian replied and hung up. He wasn't about to share his plan with her. She had already spilled the beans to Justin. He would talk to the man himself.

-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----~~~~-----

An hour later Brian knocked on the door of Justin's dorm. He prayed that Justin was there. No response was forthcoming. He raised his hand to knock again. He thought he heard some movement from behind the door. He rapped gently.

"Justin," he called. There was no response. "Justin, I hear you in there. I need to talk to you."

All was quiet. Brian rapped louder. Still nothing.

"Justin," he called raising his voice. "Open the door. I'm not going away, so you might as well open up."

"Go away, Brian. We have nothing to talk about."

"Yes, we do."

"Brian, just fuck off."

"No. You misunderstood why I didn't call you."

"I don't think so."

"Please, Justin, open the door. We have to straighten this out."

"I trusted you to sort things out and let me know. You couldn't even do that. Why should I trust you now?"

"Open the door and I'll explain," Brian promised.

"Everything?" Justin asked. Brian sensed that Justin was wavering.

"I promise to tell you everything."

"Can I believe you?"

"Yes."

Brian heard the lock turn and slowly the door opened. The look on Justin Taylor's face did not bode well for reconciliation. He looked defiant and angry and hurt.

"Come in," he said tersely.

Brian stepped across the threshold. He heard the door click closed behind him. He hoped he could find the words to explain and make things right with his lover. He turned to face Justin.

"So explain," Justin said, "and this better be good."

Brian took a deep breath. He sat down heavily on the bed and leaned on his knees searching for the right words his face in his hands.

"Some things happened in Ireland. I'll try to tell you all about them as we go along." Brian paused and took a few more breaths.

Justin thought he could see the tall Irishman trembling. He wanted to take him in his arms and comfort him. To hell with the story, the facts, the circumstances. Justin took a step towards Brian, but Brian raised his hand stopping him in his tracks.

"Don't," he said. "I need to get this out."

Justin shrugged and backed up. "Okay," was all he said.

"When I came to Pitt it was because of the shit that happened back home. My father wanted me to have some time away from all the things that had happened and from what I had brought down on my head." He glanced up at Justin who stared back listening intently. "I was supposed to find myself over here, straighten myself out."

"You seem pretty bent to me," Justin said with irony.

"I am. I'm sure of that now," Brian admitted. "I guess I always have been, but because of what happened in Londonderry I was willing to doubt myself. I told my father that I would try to go straight and I really did try. I even fucked Lindsay."

"What?"

"Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have done it, but I wanted to see if there was any chance for me to go straight. We were both pretty scared and it wasn't very satisfying."

"You fucked one of my friends, a woman, to prove that you were really gay?" Justin asked not believing what he was hearing.

"I guess so."

"That's nuts."

"I know that now, but I had to find out for sure."

"Christ, I could have told you that you were gay from the first second I saw you."

"You could?"

"Jesus, Brian, my dick stood to attention from the first glance. I could see that you felt the same way. I just thought you were playing coy or unsure of yourself. I didn't realize it was such a big deal."

"Well, it was."

"I'm sorry I was so … ruthless."

Brian snorted. "It wouldn't have mattered. You're right. I wanted you from the moment I saw you, even though I tried to deny it to you … and to myself. I was lost."

"You're not lost, Brian," Justin said softly moving closer. "You're found. This is where you belong."

Brian looked up into those blue eyes. Justin's hand reached for him pulling him up off the bed and into the embrace and kiss that they had both wanted from the moment Brian stepped across the threshold.