“What did you do?”

“We broke up this morning. He’s going to keep the house for now but if he thinks I am not going to fight it on it, he’s dreaming.”

“Get in the car Michael.”

“I will sue him. I have rights!”

“I said get in the fucking car Michael! Now!”

Ted didn’t shout often but when he did you really didn’t want to keep antagonizing him. He wasn’t going to hit you but he will keep shouting your darkest secrets until the pigs start flying.

Michael hurried towards Ted’s car and got in silently. Ted was boiling with anger. He didn’t believe the little shit. The asshole must have done something to cause this breakup. Ben was notoriously zen and patient. He’d stuck with the idiot through thick and thin and defended him even when he didn’t deserve it, not that the asshole was ever worthy of any defense. Ted drove to Debbie’s where he knew Emmet was having breakfast and the girls headed after Brian picked Gus.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Your mother’s.”

Michael paled instantly. His mother was going to slap him on the head, then grill him for the truth, then screech like a fucking banshee until she gets to the bottom of things. And then, she will scream even more. He didn’t need her on his case now that Brian was out of state and not here to support him and show Deb that Michael had made the right decision.

“I don’t want to go the ma’s.”

“Well tough shit.”

Ted found a parking spot just behind where Melanie had parked. He turned the engine off and gave a pouting Michael a disgusting look.

“Listen here Michael. You’d better start acting like a 33-year-old human being and get your ass out of this car and into your mother’s house or I swear to God I will physically drag you and I won’t a fuck if the neighbors start laughing at you or call the cops on me. So are you going to act like a normal person for once in your life and get in the house without making a spectacle of yourself? The answer would better be yes.”

Michael got out of the car silently but took pleasure in slamming the car door hard enough to make Ted’s anger rise even more. He would have loved to see the windows breaking. It would teach fucking Ted a good lesson. But it was okay. He would wait until Brian comes back. Once they have their long awaited talk, he’ll make sure Ted is thrown out in the cold with nothing but the accountant’s suit he’d be wearing. Yes, Ted would eventually learn his place and no amounts of begging will save his. Michael will make sure of it.

Things in Debbie’s kitchen were tense. Melanie and Lindsay were in snapping mode and had obviously had one of their huge rows. Emmet looked like he wanted wrangle Lindsay’s neck. Debbie was dying to know what the fight was about and Jenny was coolly watching the adults having a collective meltdown.

Well little girl, you’re about to witness an even more dramatic meltdown. Ted was thankful that Gus was with his dad. Jenny was still too young to understand anything but Gus’ brain was a real sponge. Absolutely nothing escaped the little boy’s attention.

“Hello everyone! May I have your attention for a second? Michael and Bren have broken.”

See how you like being thrown under the Debbie bus you little asshole!

They all started talking at the same time but Deb’s screeches dominated the other voices.

“What the fuck is Ted talking about you little asshole? And how come Ted knew before me?”

You could see where Michael got his sense of priorities.

Deb was in her son’s face in a second. She pushed him on a chair and hovered over him.

“I asked you a question and you will answer me before I go hunting down your husband and ask why you broke up.”

“No no no don’t! I’ll tell you! You don’t need to speak with Ben.”

That was enough for Ted, Emmet and Melanie to know that whatever Michael was going to say was a lie.

“So?”, Deb prompted crossing her arms.

“We just realized that we aren’t happy together. We don’t see eye to eye on most things and I think we got married without really thinking about the consequences. He said that I am not who he sees himself growing up with and he asked me to leave.”

There is lying and then there is whatever that was. To be fair, they didn’t see eye to eye on most things. Ben was an educated, smart, cultivated man while Michael’s whole world revolved around comics. Michael didn’t understand most of the things that interested Ben and Ben really didn’t give flying fuck about Captain Asshole and Michael’s dolls. As for the rest, Michael was obviously lying.

“I’ll pretend I believe you. Where’s your luggage? Try not lying about this one?”

“He threw me out before I could pack.”

And splaff!

“Ouch ma! That hurt!”

Ted couldn’t help smirking when Jenny started laughing. Out of the laughs of babes!

“It was meant to. Now, where’s your luggage?”

“I told Ben to pack my shit and send it to Brian’s.”

“To Brian’s?”

The fact that the asshole was still breathing was a testament to Emmet’s self-restrain. Ted had already put one and one together and knew that Michael was in for a surprise. But Emmet was just realizing little Mikey’s game.

“Yes, now that the boy wonder is in New York, I can stay with Brian.”

“And what did Brian say?”

Ted jumped back in! There was no way in hell he was letting Michael feed Debbie some story about Brian telling him he was welcome and then leaving him out in the cold. He really wasn’t prepared for Debbie going ballistic thinking that Brian had told Michael he could stay with him before changing the locks and flying to sunny California. Yeah, Deb would eventually realize Michael had lied to her but he wasn’t up to listening to her ranting for fifteen minutes before she starts hearing herself and realizing she’s been had by the little asshole’s tale of woes.

“Well, like little Michael here went to the loft to share the news with Brian but surprise! Brian wasn’t home. He’s gone to California with Gussie as you already know.”

“He took Gus with him? Why didn’t you tell me Lindsay?”

“And why would Lindsay tell you about my son going on a trip with his dad? What Gus does is none of your fucking business!”

“Everything about Brian is my business.”

“Well Brian going on a trip with our son without telling you shows how much Brian thinks everything about you is his business.”

“Listen Mel…”

“No you listen to me Michael!” Deb’s voice was raising by the letter. “Where are you going to stay?”

“I already told you I am staying with Brian.”

The asshole was still sounding smug!

“Well, Brian isn’t here and I don’t think he’ll want you to stay with him when he comes back. You can stay here in your old bedroom until you work things with Ben.”

“Ma, Ben and I are over. I’m never going back to him! You need to understand it and not try to interfere!”

Slap! And Slap!

Debbie’s hand was working overtime!

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that you little shit! I don’t care what you do but if you’re staying here for some time, you’ll have to respect Carl. And you have to start looking for an apartment! I won’t have you here until I fucking die!”

“Once Brian comes back from California, I’ll be moving in with him! So I’ll be out of your hair in less than a week.”

Emmet was teared between shredding Michael to little pieces and getting out of dodge. As much as he would have enjoyed eviscerating little Mikey, he needed to know where was Brian even more. So he stood up, gave Debbie a hug, Mel a kiss, cooed for a little moment over Jenny and asked Ted for a lift. Ted was happy to indulge his friend and while they loved Melanie a lot, there was nothing they could do for her. The two friends made their excuses and fled before becoming the reason why Deb’s kitchen will be considered a crime scene.

Once in the car, Emmet fixed Ted with an accusing look.

“So Teddy, where the fuck is Brian Kinney?”