Chapter 4

Day 5

Damn it, Daphne, 

I wish I could talk to you.  I need to hear your honesty and straightforwardness right now.  Last night, well let me tell you this first.  We have wolves.  Last night a pack of wolves came around and Mr. Kinney finally showed his weakness.  I’m not making fun of him.  He was truly petrified and he then opened up and told me a little bit about his childhood.  I was wrong about his background.  It was horrible. Of course that still doesn’t give him the right to be all high and mighty and….

(While Justin wrote, Brian had come down and went to the bedroom where his clothes were.)

Back to last night, we made love.  Yes, Daph, we made love, not just had sex.  I betrayed Steven again.  I love him.  Other than you he’s my best friend but he never rocked my world like Brian has but there have never been wolves howling outside our window either.  I’m sure that’s all it is.  It is the situation that makes this seem special. 

Oh, Daph, I hope you are looking for us. 

Justin closed his computer and walked from window to window.  There were definitely wolf tracks everywhere. He ended up in the kitchen trying to think of something different he could make for breakfast. Those powdered eggs were just nasty but they were protein and they didn’t have a lot of options for that.  He remembered seeing a cookbook somewhere and once he located it he looked through it.  He could tell it was very old and had been used a lot.  He turned to the breakfast section and started  looking through it.   Did he have the ingredients he needed for any of these dishes?

Brian put wood into the stove hoping it still had enough heat in it to get the log burning.  He pulled on some of the clothes he had found in the house and then sat on the bed and pulled out his computer. He opened his email and started typing.

Theadore,

Why haven’t you gotten here yet?  It’s obvious, you aren’t working hard enough.  This guy is going to….

Did you know there are wolves up here?  Do you know how much I hate wolves? If it wasn’t for Justin, I am not sure what I would have done last night.  Ted, I am not sure why he is different, but he is.  Shit, I’m just going to stay away from him.  I swear he must have some way of getting under my skin.  I think I am just done with him. The problem is we are stuck here together.  

Ted. fuck I hope you are seeing this.  I need to get out of here.

Brian, your CEO

The guy who signs your paycheck

The person who gave you a JOB!

Justin mixed some of the powdered milk and the powdered eggs together with flour, sugar, and some salt.  He pulled out a jar of homemade plum jam and started warming it in a saucepan.  Then he started heating up a griddle.  “Mr. Kinney, breakfast is almost ready,” Justin called down the hall.

“Fuck! Stop calling me Mr. Kinney!” Brian shouted back. 

Justin heard him say as he shut the bedroom door and walked to the kitchen.  His hair was tousled from last night yet and Justin had to stop himself from  reaching up and finger combing it into place.

Brian looked over his shoulder, “Pancakes?”

“I really wish we had eggs and bacon and…”

“Shut up, please,” Brian moaned. “But, these look really good.  What’s this?” He picked up the pan with the jam in it.

“It’s plum sauce.  It’s pretty good.”  Justin split the pancakes on two plates and drizzled the sauce over top  and then sprinkled them with powdered sugar. There was hot water by the fireplace so they each carried a plate and a cup into the living room.  

As they ate their breakfast, Brian looked at Justin, “Do you think they’ll be back again tonight?”

“Well, it is likely but if we don’t leave any food out and stay in the house ourselves, I think they will move back to where they came from.  It’s going to be a long day.”

“They all are long days.  Christ, I need to get out of here.” Brian drained his mug of tea.  He looked over at Justin and he knew what he would like to do all day but that wasn’t going to happen.  He needed to keep his distance from the little blond.  He just knew too much already and he wanted more than Brian would ever give to anyone.  “I’m going to the bedroom.  I can work on a campaign at least. Don’t bother me.  I plan to get very drunk.”

Brian didn’t come out of the bedroom until the sun was going down and, true to his word, he was extremely drunk.  Justin had spent the day drawing and then he just heated up leftovers from the night before. Justin handed him a bowl of food without a word. They ate in silence but then Brian started getting nervous. They heard footsteps outside and soon they heard yips and growls. 

“Damn, I was really hoping they didn’t come back.”

“Well, as drunk as you are you can’t be too far from passing out.”  Justin was pissed.  He wasn’t sure what had happened but why was he surprised.  Brian Kinney thought only of himself so maybe it was about timeJustin did the same.  Kinney could fend for himself if he wanted to act like this.

“So this is how you want it?” Justin asked.  “You want to share the cabin but nothing else, fine.  I’m turning on the generator so we can try to send emails again.  I would say if we don’t have anything tonight it probably isn’t worth wasting the gas for the generator.” 

Again neither of them had a message and both tried to send one.  Justin made himself another large mug of tea and then without a word, he went upstairs with his bag.  

Brian watched him leave. “Sure, I’ll clean up after dinner.” As he rinsed off the dishes he said out loud,  “Well, I guess I don’t have to figure out how to sleep alone tonight.”  But what in the hell got into him, the little bitch.  Brian walked to the bedroom with a bottle of whiskey.  What the hell was he going to do for the next twelve hours?  Brian could hear the wolves for a few minutes but tonight soon the howls were a distance away and then they were gone.  As he started to doze off Brian realized he was lonely.  He didn’t get lonely, did he? He probably hadn’t been alone enough to ever find out.

Justin looked at the mountain pictures he had drawn earlier today but now it was too dark to look out the window.  He decided to draw a picture of Steven.  He missed talking to him.  He missed the way they made dinner together and he missed just being comfortable with someone. With Mr. Kinney, he was always just a bit on edge.  

He started sketching the familiar eyes and gentle curve of his jawline. As he went he started making some adjustments and then Justin stopped. He looked closer and realized the picture had somehow morphed from Steven to Brian. He tried again and then on the third try he gave up and created a picture of Brian. It was like his face was burning into Justin’s eyes and the finished product was stunning.  He finally blew out the lantern and closed his eyes.  He tried to see Steven but Brian’s image kept replacing it. What had he done?  Why didn’t he want….  He should be glad the man hadn’t tried to get him in bed again but why did he feel so disappointed.

The next two days were repeats of the day before.  Justin quit cooking for both of them and soon Justin just stayed upstairs.  He couldn’t sit in silence all day with Brian next to him and every time he tried to draw it ended up being Brian. The third day Justin needed to do something.  From the frost on the windows he could tell it was really cold out but if he put on the snowsuit and boots he’d be fine. As he started dressing in the kitchen with the layers, Brian watched him.

“What are you doing?”

“I just need fresh air.” 

“Do you know how cold it is out there?  I got some wood off the porch and….”

“I’ll be fine.  Won’t be long.”

Brian didn’t like it at all, “Be careful. And don’t forget how co…”

“Yes, Mother.”

Justin stepped outside and closed the door.  He nearly lost his breath as soon as he inhaled.  He pulled a scarf up over his mouth and, after stepping into his snowshoes, he began to walk.  The only part of him that was uncovered was his eyes and soon his eyelashes had a frost buildup on them.  He tripped and ended up face planting in the snow.  He got up and started walking again. He headed to the woods.  His mind was racing. He couldn’t draw Steven’s face anymore.  Even when he was looking at a picture of the love of his life the arrogant bastard’s face kept appearing.  After the thought ran through his head he realized, although Brian was arrogant he did have a soft side and the story about his childhood, he believed it. Maybe he had him wrong.  Justin kept going around and around this in his head.

All of the sudden Justin stopped.  He realized he had no idea where he was and the wind was starting to pick up. He realized he was cold.  Thankfully he could see his tracks but as he walked, the wind picked up and it was getting harder and harder to see his tracks. He just needed to rest.  Maybe he could sit for a minute.  No, he needed to keep going. When he looked up he hoped he saw the edge of the woods.  

Brian was getting really worried.  Justin had been gone over half an hour and in these temps that was too long.  He had gone outside and called but  there was no response so Brian started looking for warm clothes.  Just as he started putting on some boots the door opened.  “Thank god.” Brian commented as Justin nearly fell into his arms.  He helped Justin out of his boots and snowsuit.  “Where have you been?  You scared the hell out of me.”

Justin looked at him, “I’m going to go take a nap. Cold, need to warm….”  he headed toward the upstairs door but Brian led him to the downstairs bedroom where it was warm from the stove. Brian helped him get in bed and then covered him with the blankets.  He put on a couple more logs to get it even warmer and then left him alone.

Brian was glad he was home but he wished he knew what was going on in that pretty little head of Justin’s.  Maybe it was time the two of them confronted whatever wall was between them. They both had things to talk about and as soon as Justin was awake they would be talking.  Once Brian hung up Justin’s snow clothes, he looked around the kitchen.  Justin was going to need something warm to eat for dinner.  When Brian thought about it, he couldn’t remember the last time Justin had eaten anything.  He may have had a cracker or two but Justin hadn’t been eating.  

After looking through the cookbook, Brian knew he wasn’t a chef.  He didn’t have ingredients for any of the recipes but after looking at a vegetable soup recipe he just went into the pantry and took a can of every vegetable they had and a jar of the canned meat. He poured all the contents into a pot and then set it on the hearth.  At least Justin wouldn’t say he wasted gas.  All of this food was cooked so it just needed to warm up.  At the last minute Brian added some noodles.  Once that was warming, Brian went to check on Justin.  He had been about an hour since he laid down and Brian thought he might be awake by now.  

Justin couldn’t get warm and both his fingers and toes hurt really bad.  He had had frostbite.   What had gotten into him?  He was just going to get a little fresh air and clear his head.  Instead he lost his mind and nearly froze to death. He sat up and looked at his hands.  They looked horrible.  What if he lost his fingers?  What had he done?

Brian walked to the bedroom and opened the door. The only light in the room was from the stove and the last light in the sky. He could see Justin was sitting up and rocking and as he stepped closer he heard Justin crying.

“Are you alright?” Brian sat down on the bed next to him.

Justin didn’t say anything but held out his hands. Brian saw they were covered with blisters. “I don’t think they are too bad but they hurt so bad. They feel like they are on fire and then they feel like someone is sticking pins in them. Oh, god they hurt.”

“Should we be doing something for them? Do you know?”

“There’s a first aid kit in the kitchen.  Maybe there is a book in it that will tell us.  Hurry, please!” Brian touched his cheek and kissed the other one.  He wasn’t sure why but blondie brought out some weird stuff in him. Brian was back in a few moments later with the first aid kit.  

Brian took out the booklet and paged through it until he found Over Exposure.  Brian read through the short note. “As long as they don’t get infected they should be fine.  I’m sorry they hurt. I’ll go get some warm water so we can wash your hands and then lightly bandage them.”

Brian came back with a pan of water and a cloth and towel.  Brian gently washed his hands and then patted them lightly.  “How are your toes?”

“They tingled but haven’t blistered. Oh, god, I need whiskey.” 

Brian wrapped Justin’s hands lightly.  “This way when the blisters pop they will be covered. Should I look at your feet?”

“No, I just need to get knocked out or something.  I can’t do this!” Justin started rocking again.

Brian walked over to his bag and dug through it until he found a small bag with pills.  He selected one and gave it to Justin.  “Try one first.  We will see if that is enough.  If not I’ll get a second one but now I am going to get you some soup.  You need to eat something.”

“I don’t know what got into me. I just wanted a little air and then….”

“I’ll get us some dinner.” Brian came back with a sleeve of crackers and two bowls of soup. Brian started handing the bowl to Justin but the second it touched his hands, Justin whimpered.

“I don’t….I’m really not that hungry.”  

Brian walked over and set one of the bowls on the stove.  He sat down facing Justin and began feeding him. After giving him a couple bites, he took one himself.  “This isn’t half bad.”

“No, it’s very good.  I didn’t know you could cook,” Brian gave him another bite. “I probably owe you an apology for….”

“Will you just shut up while I feed you? I’m hungry, too.” Brian noticed Justin’s eyes glaze over.  As he finished feeding him the bowl he said, “Is the pain a little better?”

“What pain?” Justin held up his hands, “Oh, these.  They are all better.  See, they can go around your neck.” Justin got on his knees and pressed his lips against Brian’s.

“Justin, you better be careful.  You don’t want to break those blisters.”

“But you are so beautiful.  I just couldn’t bear to look at you and not be able to touch you and I can’t touch you.  I can touch Steven.”

“Lay down.  I need to eat my good soup.” Brian sat on the edge of the bed and ate it while Justin babbled on and on, mostly about Steven.  He talked about how he betrayed Steven. As Brian finished his bowl of soup, Justin dozed as Brian finished his dinner. Brian slipped out of the room and put the rest of the soup out on the back porch. They had been using it for a freezer since they had gotten there. Brian brought a pan of water back to the bedroom along with some mugs and tea bags.  He didn’t know how Justin would react when he came down.  His pain should be gone for a while but he could still have trouble sleeping later.

Brian  washed up a little and then went into the bedroom.  He wasn’t sure Justin wanted him here.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to be here with him, but he couldn't leave him alone. He obviously didn’t have experience with drugs.  He needed to stay close.  

“Where’d you go?” Justin was awake again.

“I just put the soup away. How’s the pain?”

“Bearable now.  What did you give me?”

“Oh just something my disco-pharmacologist makes for me. I take it you haven’t done many drugs.”

“Just a little weed now and then really. Thanks for taking care of me.  Sorry I have been such an asshole the last couple days. I just don’t know what is going on. I am feeling things I don’t understand and I just don’t like it.  It’s like being claustrophobic. I just needed to get out for a while but then I couldn’t focus again.  Shit Mr. Kinney, I can’t even draw a picture of my fiance anymore.  Everytime I start drawing a picture of him it morphs into your face.  I know you aren’t interested so why….”

“Justin, now is not the time to be talking about this. You’re strung out and I’m sober.  Neither of those are good options for a serious conversation.”  Brian laid down next to Justin and pulled him close. “I’m not going to screw with you tonight.”

“I’m not tired, Brian. I slept too much.  Tell me more about you.  Are you parents still alive? Do you ever see them?”

“Justin, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Brian, you gave me this shit and now I am high as a kite. You need to keep me company until I come down.”

“I’m not letting you come down for a while.  That pain is going to get worse before it gets better.” 

Justin rested his head on Brian’s shoulder. “I have a little sister, Mollusk.”

“Mollusk?”

“Molly.  She isn’t so little anymore.  She’s a freshman in highschool.  She’s a really good kid.  I love her and she loves Steven.  She sees my dad once and a while but I haven’t seen him in four years.  And, I really don’t want to see him.  He is just an ass.  He never understood me. At least my mom got away from him.  He hit me once just because I am gay.”

“Hell, my dad hit me just because I was breathing and he was drunk.  My parents never loved each other.  Dad fucked her and being the good catholic girl she was, he had to marry her. He was an ass.  He would call and want me to stop by.  That just meant he needed cash.”

“And you’d give it to him?”

“I have more money than I can spend and he was my dad.”   Justin looked up at Brian and kissed his jawline. “He got cancer and died about four years ago.”

“I’m sorry, Brian.  How did he handle you being gay?”

“Jack didn’t find out until he was really sick.  But he did get to meet my son before he died.”

“Your son!  You never mentioned a son.”

“He lives with his moms in Canada.  I try to go visit once a month.”

“Don’t you miss him.”

“Sure, and I love him but I was never supposed to be a parent for him.  His mom has been a good friend of mine since college so when they wanted a child, I donated.  Later, her wife had a baby girl.  Mel, isn’t my favorite person and they have gone through a couple rough times but they are good parents.”

“What’s his name?”

“Gus,” Brian’s voice turned soft.

“You really do love him, don’t you.”

“I don’t think I’m father material but I will never let a son of mine think he isn’t loved.” Now Brian sounded adamant.

“Of course, you love him.  He is your child. He has your DNA. He is lucky to have a man like you in your life.”

“Even though I’m an arrogant asshole?”

“Well, I guess you’re an arrogant asshole with a heart.”

Brian tilted Justin’s head up and kissed him before getting quiet.  After a minute or two, Justin broke the silence. “I hate to ask but I’m thirsty.  Do you think you could make me some tea?”

“Sure,” Brian got up and brought Justin a cup of tea and poured some of the whiskey into it. “Hopefully that will take off the edge and let you sleep.  I hope that will help you sleep but if you wake up in the middle of the night and need something, wake me up.”

“Brian, thanks for being so nice.” Justin said as he sipped his tea.  “Brian, one more thing.”

“What’s that, Justin?”

“I need to pee.”

“Sure, after I tell you I’m not going to touch you, you’re going to make me hold your dick.  Just remember, you’ll owe me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m such a pain.  I was such an idiot.” Justin started to tear up.

“Let’s get you to the bathroom.  I know you are going to crash soon.” Brian helped Justin with his pants and held his cock while he relieved himself.  

Once Justin was back in bed and Brian pulled the blankets up to his chin and then added more wood to the fire.  He got in bed behind Justin and slid up behind him, resting his arm around Justin’s waist, “Blondie, don’t do that again.  You scared me and I don’t think I could stand being here alone. Who would protect me from the wolves?”

By now Justin was nearly asleep.  In a groggy voice he said, “I’ll never let the big bad wolf get you.”  And with that Justin drifted off to sleep.