It only took half an hour to get Ruby to settle, but once the tedious task was done and she was finally asleep, I went downstairs to join my men. I stopped in the living room’s doorway when I heard Justin and Munchkin having a deep conversation, or so it seemed at first thought.

“Did you know Daddy is a superhero?” Munchkin asked all sweet and innocent.

From my spot, I saw Justin looking up from his sketchpad, frowning. “I thought that was a given.” My darling twat, so thoughtful.

“It’s a fact,” Patrick said with all the seriousness a six year old could muster.

“What makes you say that?” Justin inquired after a few moments of silence.

“I found evidence.”

“Really?”

“Yup. In Daddy’s nightstand. He should hide his secret identity more carefully.”

My blood ran cold, only imagining what he could have found in my nightstand. But I allowed Justin to deal with the situation. I was having too much fun listening into their conversation.

“And what did you find there,” Justin whispered fearfully.

“A mask, handcuffs, and a wand of sorts. Do you think he’s a wizard, too?”

I pressed a hand to my mouth to muffle my laughter, though we needed new rules. He wasn’t allowed to look into our drawers anymore.

“Oh, shit.” I heard Justin groaning, before he glanced to the door. Thankfully, he didn’t notice me, hiding around the corner. “Uh, well…I’ll have to ask him. In the meantime, how about you keep away from our stuff. What were you doing in his drawer anyway?”

“He stole all my balloons the other day. I thought he put them there.”

“Brian didn’t steal anything. He put them safely. I still can’t believe your little lungs could blow up these balloons.”

“And then they make boom!” He squealed, clapping.

“And they scared your sister. So no more balloon popping until further notice.”

“You guys suck.”

I decided to make my presence known. “What did we do to suck this time?”

Justin shot me an exasperated look, pleading me without words to deal with the brat. I sat next to Munchkin on the floor, pulling him close and cuddling him. He burrowed closer into me, sighing contently.

There were such moments when I could barely deal with his cuteness and how loveable he was.

“Are you a superhero, Daddy?”

“Of course.” I kissed his head.

He turned to stare at me, bewildered. “What’s your secret identity?”

“Now, why would I tell you that? It’s secret for a reason.”

“And that’s why you guys suck,” he mumbled.

“Would you stop talking like that? Your grandmas are going to kill us if they hear your potty mouth, kiddo!” Justin chided him, never looking up from his sketchpad.

“Whatcha doin’ there, Dada? Drawing something pretty?” Munchkin crawled over to the couch, draping himself over Justin’s lap.

“Go back to daddy. I’ll show you when it’s done.”

“But I want to see now!”

“Brian,” Justin hissed, glancing at me.

Like I could control the demon-child. “Come here, Sonny Boy. Let’s color for a while, then we can have dinner.”

“Can we have pancakes?” He threw himself next to me on the carpet.

“I said dinner, not breakfast.”

Munchkin pouted adorably, but accepted the Crayola from me. We colored a parrot, and while Patrick was busy with his drawing, I caught Justin’s eye. After our long day from hell, we were both tired, but sleep had to wait. Patrick was full of energy and it was nearing seven in the evening.

Not long later, Justin got up, stretching. “I’m going to make dinner. You two play nice.”

“Can I see now what you drew?” Munchkin went to the couch, picking the sketchpad, without waiting for permission.

“Sure. Pasta?” Justin asked me.

“No meat.”

“You’re not obliged to eat it, but Munchkin needs meat. I’ll call you if I need help. Keep him entertained and make sure he doesn't wake Ruby again.”

“Don’t you worry, Sunshine.”

With Justin gone, I tried coaxing Patrick into coloring some more, but to no avail. He started sorting through his pens.

“Can I ask something?” He caught my eye, all serious.

“Sure.”

“Why do you keep calling Dada, Sunshine? Is that his nickname like mine is Munchkin?”

“Yup. Your Grandma Debbie gave him that nickname because of his bright smile.”

Patrick grinned. “Dada has a very nice smile.”

I grinned back, pulling him close. “You inherited it, along with his personality. He can be a total brat sometimes, exactly like you were earlier with your sister!”

“She’s no fun!”

“Here we go again. Munchkin, she’s a baby, of course she’s no fun. Give it a couple of years and you’ll see how beautiful it is to be a big brother.”

“Really?” He asked, skeptically. “Dada told me he wanted to sell Aunt Molly when she was a baby, but Nana Jen caught him and Aunt Daph before they could do it.”

I stared at him shocked. It didn’t sound like one of his make-believe stories. “Did Justin tell you that?”

“Yups. Dada sounded bummed for being stuck with an annoying little sister.”

“Give your baby sis a chance, okay? I mean, you are awesome when you stay with her in the backseat when we drive places together. You already are a great big brother, but you don’t know it yet. Look, in a few years, you can teach her everything we taught you. She’ll adore you, Patrick.”

“You think? Are you sure she’ll grow up? She’s so tiny and crying all the time. My head hurts sometimes.”

“You were the same. Even worse,” I joked, squeezing his cheek.

“I need help with setting the table!” Justin called out.

While Munchkin was busy with arranging the plates and cutlery, Justin pulled me aside.

“We need to hide the sex toys better. He went snooping through your nightstand.”

I schooled my expression so he was wouldn’t know that it wasn’t news to me. “Oh, I see.”

“Maybe we should put them at the back of the closet, or on top of it? He’s much too young to be around sex toys,” Justin insisted, glancing at Patrick.

To both our surprise, he was paying close attention to our conversation. “What is sex?”

“Shoot me,” Justin mumbled.

Caught off guard, I did the only thing that came to my mind. I grabbed Justin and kissed him passionately. “That's sex.”

I got a slap behind the head for the huge fat lie, but at least it got Munchkin off our backs.

“You know he’s going to say something tomorrow at dinner at Debbie’s. You know everyone will call us irresponsible parents. I’m so not going down with you.”

“Stop being a twat and over-dramatize everything. Patrick won’t say anything.”

“Have you met him? How many times did one of us give him a cookie behind the other’s back and made him swear not to say anything? The next thing he does is run to the other and tell what he did.”

“Fuck,” I spat.

“Watch out! He says that too.”

For dinner, I brought Ruby downstairs. She was still sleepy from her nap, which meant peace and quiet for a short while.

She sat on her high chair, obediently accepting her mashed food from me.

“Watch out with the ketchup, Munchkin,” I warned him, when I saw the way he was holding it.

“But it won’t come out,” he muttered, aggravated, as he squeezed the bottle with all him might.

“Let me help,” Justin offered, but got a venomous look.

“I can do it.” Patrick huffed, putting the bottle on the table, head aiming to his plate, but in all reality, Peanut and I were in its range, then he slammed his fist to the bottle.

“Patrick!” Justin shouted, surprised by his action.

I didn’t have time to scold him. He’d managed to cover us in red sauce, and of what I could taste on my lips, it was the extra hot ketchup.

Ruby burst in tears, obviously distressed by her moron of a brother, and the spicy sauce which she was licking off her fingers.

Because I probably had Munchkin’s maturity level, I snatched the bottle and squirted it in his direction. He gasped, staring bemused at his shirt now covered in ketchup. Then he promptly burst in tears, shouting that he hated me for ruining his favorite shirt.

“Brian, for fuck’s sake!”

I shrugged in Justin’s direction, picking Ruby and heading to the bathroom. We needed a bath. From all the way upstairs I could hear Munchkin wailing about what a mean person I was. The more I heard him crying, the more I realized what a total idiot I was.

After washing Peanut and changing her into clean clothes, I washed-up as fast as I could, shrugged on a sleeveless shirt, and went back downstairs.

Patrick was eating under Justin’s watchful eye. There was a decent amount of ketchup on his pasta, which he shoveled into his mouth mechanically. He stopped for a fraction of second when he saw me, scowled, before going back to eating.

“I blended another meal for Ruby,” Justin said, pushing a bowl to me. He also gave me the look, saying without words I had to grovel for Patrick’s forgiveness.

Unlike our usual dinners, we were all completely silent as we ate our food, until Munchkin turned to Justin asking for another piece of meat. The plate was next to me, opposite the place Justin was sitting.

I seized to opportunity to make peace, taking the plate and pushing it closer to Munchkin. “Which one do you want?”

He refused to acknowledge me, keeping his eyes on Justin.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry,” I told Munchkin, rubbing his back. “I was an idiot. I thought you were used to that by now.”

“It was my new shirt!”

“And you put ketchup all over me and your sister. Did you see any of us throwing a hissy fit?”

oOo

The next day, before dinner at Debbie’s, we went to the store. I’d made the mistake to promise Patrick I’d buy him whatever he wanted if he forgave me. Blackmailing worked wonders.

We spent three hours in the store. Justin was glaring at me, pacing like a caged animal around the shelves filled with clothes and toys. He had Ruby in the pouch, while I was following our shopaholic son with the overfilled cart.

“We’ll be late for dinner,” Justin approached us. “Are you done, Patrick? You know Grandma Deb doesn’t like tardiness.”

“I think this is all.” He nodded seriously, looking around once again to make sure he’d gotten the whole store.

On our way to pay, Munchkin stopped at the costumes section and gazed adoringly at one of the displayed mannequins.

I tried to steer him to the cash registers with a hand on his shoulder, but he stood rooted in place. “I’ve always wanted one of these!”

He pointed to the middle mannequin. Couldn’t it be the dinosaur? Or the bee? Or the bear? No. He wanted the pink panther.

“Munchkin, no one wears costumes now. There’s still ten more months until Halloween.”

“I want that!” He pointed to the costume, stomping his foot.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come on.” I scooped him up in my arms, making two steps in the direction Justin had disappeared. It was the wrong move, because in the next second he started wailing and hitting me with his little fists, kicking his feet, and demanding the Pink Panther costume.

I got sympathetic looks from the other parents, especially the moms. I gritted my teeth.

“Patrick, be quiet. People are looking.”

“Let them look! You’re the worst!” He sobbed loudly.

“I’m not buying you a pink costume. If you want another one, I’ll think about it. For Halloween.”

“I want. The PINK panther costume. NOW!” He shouted into my ear.

Justin returned to our side, summoned by the yelling. He stared in horror at our out of control child. “What now?” He mouthed to me.

I pointed to Patrick’s desired costume, and he cringed, then lifted a brow at me. We both knew I was going to cave.

“We don’t even have time for this. We have to try it on, and we’re very late,” I reasoned, stroking his wet cheeks.

“You’ll forget later. You always say that when you don’t want to get me something.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I held him in one arm, grabbed three different sizes of the Pink Panther costume, then marched to the fitting room. “Pay for the other things and wait in the car,” I said over my shoulder to Justin. “You drive me crazy, you know that?” I hissed at Patrick, depositing him on the floor of an empty fitting room.

“But you love me.” He shot me a blinding smile.

“Not especially right now.” I tugged at his clothes, in a hurry to be done with the charade.

We tried his latest size, which didn’t fit, obviously. The kid grew faster than a fairytale character. The next size was too tight, and the next one was so large, Ruby could fit in there too without much trouble.

Tears sprung into his eyes, realizing he couldn’t get his desired costume.

I folded the extra material to the side, contemplating if I could talk Debbie or Emmett into adjusting it for him. That way we could have this costume for a few years, and we’d only readjust when Patrick grew some more.

“What do we do, Daddy?” He wiped his nose, sniffing.

“We’ll buy it, then we have to ask Grandma Deb or Aunty Em to adjust it for your size.”

“Reaaalllly?” He wrapped his arms around my neck, squeezing so tight I lost the ability to breathe for a moment. “You’re the best Daddy ever!”

“No shit?” I turned him around so he could see himself in the mirror.

“So prettttyyy!” He grinned, the hood falling on his eyes when he started jumping up and down.

I tugged at his tail, laughing, before cuddling him close. “We get it, right?”

“Of course!”

“Alright. Then let’s go pay. Your grandma is going to be very upset.”

As I paid for the costume, Patrick beamed at the guy. “I’m going to be the Pink Panther.”

“I bet you will.” He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, taking the bag, then leaving with Patrick skipping by my side.

“I want to wear it.”

“Patrick, we’re late. And you’ll dirty it.”

He accepted my explanation until we got in the car. Justin was behind the wheel, tapping his fingers in the rhythm with the music.

“It took ages, but we found one,” I said, sliding in the backseat with the kids.

“I’m surprised I’m still young. It feels like a century has passed. I think Ruby needs a change.”

“We’ll take care of it when we get to Debbie’s.” I buckled up Munchkin, then reached over to make sure Ruby was secured to her seat.

The drive to Debbie’s was filled with Patrick’s pleas to put the costume on, until Justin exclaimed that he could wear it only to make him stop whining. He took Peanut inside when we arrived, leaving me to change Patrick into this new pink costume.

I held him in my arms, so he wouldn’t dirty his paws, as I stepped into the house.

“Only one hour late. No worries.” Melanie grumbled.

“We were going to sniff each other and try cannibalism,” Ted added jokingly.

I put Munchkin down, sighing. “For once, it wasn’t my fault. Blame this one.” I pointed to Patrick.

“Aw! Aren’t you precious!” Debbie hugged him. “Isn’t this a little too big for you, sweetie?”

“Daddy said you’d ad-just it for me.”

“Of course, he did.” Debbie laughed, catching my eye.

“Come here. Let me see.” Emmett clapped. “Oh, how pretty!”

I watched amused as Patrick paraded his new costume in front of everyone. Justin joined us, after changing Ruby’s diaper. He deposited her in my arms, going to slump next to Mikey on the sofa.

“How about we eat?” Debbie gestured to the table.

“Don’t you want to take that off? You’ll get warm,” I suggested.

Patrick scoffed, climbing on his chair, where Debbie had placed a few cushions so he could reach the table.

To Justin and my relief, everyone offered to play nanny. We actually enjoyed a calm meal without being worried whether or not the kids ate or behaved.

“I like family dinners,” Justin murmured, snuggling into my side.

“I second that.”

“I can’t believe you caved for the panther.”

“Oh, please. I’ve never heard him wailing like that.”

Justin snorted. “He knows wailing gets him anything he wants.”

We watched as Gus was trying to sell broccoli to Patrick, getting disgusted looks from our kid.

“But it’s great! Do you like cauliflower?”

Patrick gagged, pushing on the side of his plate all the greens he could find. “Tastes yucky.”

“Oh, that’s my last try,” Gus mumbled, shrugging.

I laughed, reaching over to pat Gus’s shoulder. “Don’t be too bummed. Your brother is weird like that.”

“Panthers eat vegetables, you know that?” Blake butted in, trying his hand at selling the veggies.

It was a good argument.

“No, they don’t.” Patrick scowled. “Panthers eat people.”

Justin pressed his face into my shoulder, laughing muffled. I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Not necessarily. Didn’t you hear about Mowgli?” Gus frowned at us.

“Who’s Mowgli?” Patrick cut his eyes to us. “Did the panther eat him?”

“You haven’t introduced the kid to the Jungle Book?” Debbie gave us scandalized looks.

“Have you tried introducing him to something new? He bitches when we don’t tell him the same bedtime story,” I muttered.

“Who’s Mowgli?” Patrick insisted.

“It’s a little boy brought up by wolves, who is friends with a bear and a panther,” Gus explained excitedly.

“That’s so silly. I don’t like that.”

“Don’t suffocate,” I whispered to Justin, who burrowed further into my side, laughing still.

“He says the funniest shit,” Justin gasped out.

“I know, but you don’t see me cracking up at every silly thing he says.”

“Because you don’t have a sense of humor,” Justin teased.

“And you’re too easily amused.” I leaned down to catch his lips in a kiss.

“What are you doing? Did you even hear me?” Debbie pulled us apart. I shook my head, trying not to pout at being interrupted. It was a damn good kiss. “I said you’re going to read him the Jungle Book. Tonight.”

“Yes, mother.” I rolled my eyes.

My answer was drowned my Patrick’s loud voice. “They were having sex.”

“Munchkin!” Justin squeaked. “I told you! This is all your fault.” He narrowed his eyes at me.

“What are you teaching the poor kid?” Emmett cried out. “That’s kissing, sweetie. Come here.”

“Stay.” I kept a hand to Patrick’s chest to prevent him from getting out of his chair. “Eat everything, then play.”

“Not hungry.”

“You barely touched anything. Eat. The greens, too,”

He scowled. “Fuck the greens.”

I resisted the urge to bang my head against the table.

“Are we surprised? Six years old and cussing like a sailor.” Melanie glared my way.

“What can I say? It’s a special Kinney trait.”

“I’m not allowed to say any bad words and I’m older,” Gus muttered.

“I doubt Patrick is allowed either. Right?” Lindsay eyeballed me.

“Of course, he’s not. If you ever say another bad word, I’m going to withhold one of your most prized possessions like….starting with this costume.”

“You suck.”

“What was that?” I leaned closer, cupping my ear.

He shrunk, hugging himself as if I was about to undress him. “I said, ‘yeah, sure’.”

“I thought I heard wrong.” I nodded, before returning to my plate.

“What do you know? He’s not that bad at the parenting thing,” Melanie praised me.

Five minute later, Munchkin started shifting around, restless.

“Do you need the bathroom?” I asked.

“No.”

“Then stay put.”

“I’m boooored. Can we get the new toys from the car so I can show them to Gus?”

“Gus is eating,” I pointed out. “What kind of child are you that you don’t like ice cream?”

“It doesn’t have chocolate. I want lots of chocolate.”

Debbie made to stand, saying she had a bar of chocolate somewhere.

“You don’t,” I barked. If he ate chocolate at six in the evening, we’d have a sleepless night.

Munchkin stole the car keys from my pocket. “I’ll get them.”

“No, you wo… SHIT!” He jumped off the chair and made to run to the door, but the costume’s tail got stuck under my chair’s leg somehow, so Munchkin tripped and face-planted. And cue loud wails. “Christ.” I gathered him up with Justin kneeling next to us. “Let me see.”

He was okay, only scared.

And so he ended up with the promised chocolate from Debbie, on my lap on the couch. I could suddenly see the future—our night would consist in running around after Munchkin.

Though, the chocolate didn’t seem to cheer him up much; not even Emmett, his favorite person, couldn’t lift his mood. The only thing that worked was Justin promising him chocolate chip cookies when we got home, which perked him up so much that he seized Peanut’s hand, dragging her to the door.

“We’re leaving. Dada will make chocolate chip cookies, but you don’t get any cuz you’re too young and whiny.”

During his caveman act, Peanut stumbled and nearly fell too, to make it complete. Thankfully, I was a step after them, and scooped her up before she could hit the floor. She was so surprised to be in my arms that she didn’t even cry.

“We’re sorry to cut this short. Maybe next time we’ll forget them at home and spend a nice, quiet evening with you,” Justin joked.

“If you ever need help, you only need to ask,” Debbie reminded us.

“As a matter of fact, yes, we do. I’ll call you next week with details.” I kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”

After biding everyone goodbye, we went to the car. This time Justin ended up in the backseat with the kids.

“What do you have planned? Business trip? I can take care of them alone,” he said amused.

“I don’t doubt it. And no business trip. I’m taking you away for a week.”

“You are?”

“Don’t get your hopes up. It’s not because of that gag inducing pink holiday, you know me better than that, but I’ll take whatever opportunity I can get to have you all to myself.”

“Valentine’s Day! I forgot about it.” He gasped, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror.

“No worries, I remembered about it because I heard my staff talking about dinner dates.”

“Where are you taking me?” He leaned between the front seats, grinning.

“Where we should have gone years ago.”

“And that is…?”

“Vermont.”

“Oh, my God, Brian!” Somehow, he managed to hug me and kiss my cheek. “I love you so much!”

“What’s in Vermont and why aren’t we coming along?” Munchkin demanded.

“You get to spend some time with Grandma Deb and Aunty Em and Nana Jen and Gus and whoever else you want,” Justin told him, grinning from ear to ear.

“I want to go with you!”

“We need some time alone, Munchkin,” I explained. “You won’t even miss us,” I tried placating him.

“You’re going away and abandoning us!”

“Don’t be a drama princess!”

“Pat looowwd.”

“See now? You’re distressing your sister,” Justin scolded him lightly, bending over Ruby and cooing to her.

Never a quiet moment in our crazy family, but I wouldn't have it any other way.