At ten past six we rang the doorbell of Lindsay and Melanie’s house.

The day was catching up with me, and I was dead on my feet. Justin promised me we wouldn’t stay for long.

Linz answered, but there was no customary smile on her face. Shit. Something was wrong.

“Is Gus okay?” I asked, stepping inside.

“Gus is fine. Wait. Before you see him, I need a word with both of you.”

“You and Mel?” Justin asked, worried.

I was relieved they’d made up after Lindsay had slept with that Sam guy, and Melanie had turned into a raving bitch. Once JR was born, they seemed to have patched up things and lived under the same roof, being civil.

“We’re fine, thank you for asking, Justin.”

“That’s great news!”

I rolled my eyes at the WASPy behavior. “What is it?” I demanded, my patience wearing thin.

“I’ll tell you what is it, Brian! How could you hide from us? Are you…ashamed? We had to hear it from Michael when he visited JR.”

“Believe it or not, I forgot,” I admitted. “It apparently happens quite frequently for pregnant people—to forget stuff.”

“Like his shoes.” Justin laughed, dodging away when I made to slap him.

“Twat.”

He was all over me in a flash, stroking my cheek. “My koala bear, or do you prefer kangaroo?”

“Do you have duct tape?” I caught Lindsay’s eye. “He won’t shut up. I swear, he’s trying to catch up for the times we haven’t talked for one reason or another.”

“Don’t you kill my buzz! I’m so excited I think I’ll explode.”

“Go ahead and explode. Might save me an ear ache.”

“It’s always nice to see nothing has changed in your behavior.” Melanie descended, joining us. “And can you possibly make less noise? We have a baby under the roof.”

“What do you know? I have one in the oven.” I started to the living room.

Gus was on the carpet in front of the couch, playing with Legos. I sank on the couch, pulling him on my lap. He hugged me tightly, snuggling into my arms.

“How are you, Sonny Boy?”

“I’m working on this wobot. I can’t get it right.”

“Let me help.”

I slid to the floor with him still on my lap. I’d never had Legos, but it wasn’t difficult to figure out how to work with them. We were going to make a kick-ass robot.

I had no idea how much time had passed, or where had the others disappeared, but I was having fun with my son. I felt only a little bad for leaving Justin to deal with the hysterical munchers, but I was tired.

“Cookies?” Lindsay came into the room with a plate of chocolate chip cookies. “Only two, Gus.”

“Twee!”

“Two.”

“Two an’ a haf.”

I laughed. “What can I say? He’s my son.” I ruffled his hair. “I’ll have that half of his,” I told Lindsay. “And a dozen others.”

“You awoed so many? Why Dada awoed so many?” Gus demanded.

“Because he’s an adult. You’re not. And your bedtime is in less than an hour.” She placed the plate on the coffee table. “Two and a half, Brian. If he has more, I’m shipping him off to the loft. You know, for practice.”

I scoffed. “Sorry, kiddo. Two and a half it is.”

A few cookies later, Justin joined us for a short while, then he whispered into my ear that we should leave. Gus would never fall asleep knowing I was still there.

While they said goodbye, I tried inconspicuously to sneak in my pockets some of the cookies, but when I felt eyes on me, I realized everyone was staring amused my way.

Fuck. I blushed, but held my head high. “What? Peanut likes them.”

Justin explained who Peanut was to their raised eyebrows, then flashed them the picture. They caught sight of his ring. And then we were in the middle of a muncher sandwich.

Fuck you very much, Sunshine. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

oOo

From: Justin Taylor
To: Brian Kinney
Date: April 17, 2004 15:57
Subject: Problem

Brian, I won’t make it in time for dinner. You can heat some of the lasagna from last night. You’re not allowed to order Thai. I’ll shove the chopsticks up your ass if you do!

As for my problems…the idiot you hired to come work on the electricity at the house arrived two hours LATE! I kind of nailed my finger to the wall (don’t worry, I’m okay…barely), which slowed me down remarkably. I had no idea the pinkie was so useful. Fuck it.

Here are a few more facts, because I’ve been lacking on sending you stuff. I missed last week entirely. How could you live without knowing that in your sixteenth week Peanut was the size of an avocado (she/he is getting SO big). And hear this. He/she has toenails! How cute! We have to ask Dr. Hunt to zoom in tomorrow. I want to see the toenails. Also, my marvelous website says you shouldn’t feel nausea anymore (that hasn’t happened in days, right?), fewer mood swings (did you ever have fewer of these? Even not pregnant, you were moody. I call bullshit) aaand the piece de resistance: you can feel Peanut moving. Did you?

Anyway, as for this week (17)!!! Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — their lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. The baby’s the side of a turnip (you know what that is, right? If not, check it out. It’s purple) and it’s about 5 ounces and 5 inches.

This is so accurate!! Remember yesterday when you tried to tie your shoelaces and fell on your ass? Here’s why: As your belly grows, your center of gravity changes, so you may begin to occasionally feel a little unsteady on your feet.

Btw, did I mention how I love your belly? Even though you hate all the stretch marks and fat.

It also says you’re going to start glowing.

Here’s another useful tip: In the car, keep the lap portion of the seat belt under your belly, drawn snugly across your hips, and also use the shoulder harness, which should fit snugly between your breasts (man tits, in your case)

I have to run. That incompetent shit is calling.

Later,
JT

PS: In case you didn’t notice, he’s not that incompetent. The Internet is working…thus me sending this. Love you.

I had no idea whether to be mad at him or kiss him.

I tried not to freak out at the words ‘center of gravity’, ‘man tits’, ‘stretch marks’ or ‘Peanut moving’.

From: Brian Kinney
To: Justin Taylor
Date: April 17, 2004 16:05
Subject: RE: Problem

I’ll drop by Debbie’s and grab some food.

Thanks for the info. I could have lived without knowing half of that.

I’m kind of tired, so after I check with the Art Department on my latest campaign, I’m going to take my glowing ass home.

How long do you think you’d be delayed?

Your website is faulty. It didn’t mention I’m horny all the time (but that might be just me)

Gotta go…phone ringing

Brian Kinney
CEO Kinnetik Inc.

I rolled with my chair to the other side of the desk, picking the receiver. “Kinney.”

“It’s me,” Mikey said quietly.

“What’s up? Whatever happened to calling my cell phone?”

“It’s closed, you genius.”

“Shit. I forgot to charge it. Fuck.”

“Anyway, I called to say I got something odd in my mail.”

“Why are you discussing the Nutty Professor’s kinky side with me? You should question him about what drops in your mail box,” I joked.

“It’s from you and Justin!”

“Oh, that.” Fuck this short term memory loss. It sucked.

“Oh, that! I nearly died! I choked on Cap’n Crunch.”

“Should it have come with a warning? Don’t eat or drink while reading?”

“It would have been helpful. Seriously. It’s not some prank, right?”

“Mikey, we’re one hundred percent sure. And before you jump to conclusions, I’ll repeat to you what I told Justin. Peanut or no Peanut, I’d have done it sooner or later. I love him.”

“Did you tell him that too?” Mikey demanded.

“Sure, I did. Can you hold for a few seconds, Cynthia’s calling the interior line.”

“I can—”

I pressed the button for Cynthia. “Yeah?”

“Are you on the Hot Line?”

“I wish. What’s up?”

“I have Leo Brown on Line Three and Lindsay on Line Two.”

“Put me over to Leo, and tell Linz I’ll call her later. I’m still alive, let her know that.”

I pressed the button for Line Three. “Leo, long time, no talk.”

“You’re keeping me busy. Sales have grown by twenty percent!” He sounded happy.

“That’s great news. Could you hold for one second? I have another call on the line.”

“Of course, Brian. I can e-mail you what I want for the next quarter if you’re busy.”

“I’d rather discuss over the phone. One second.” I put Mikey back on the line. “Sorry about that. I have to go.”

“Wait, wait! When will we see you again?”

“We’re busy, busy. I’ll let you know. Bye, Mikey.” I hung up before he could start protesting, then I moved back to Leo.

From: Justin Taylor
To: Brian Kinney
Date: April 17, 2004 17:13
Subject: GLOWING ASS

That’s a good one! I can’t stop laughing.

I’ll be here for a while longer. The electrician left earlier, but I’m not done with Peanut’s room.

Speaking of. We need to go shopping. If only we’d know what we’re having.

It’s beyond me how YOUR kid could be shy. Has the earth stopped spinning?

As for your glowing ass…we do have a glowing dildo somewhere. You said you got it at the White Party. Can you imagine? Multicolored lights shining up your ass?

Anyway, go home. I’ll be there later. Much later.

Love,

JT

It was a good thing I’d hung up with Leo a few minutes before reading Justin’s latest e-mail.

I managed to drop my decaf on me at the shock of what he’d written.

“Fuck!” I stood up, knocking over most of the stuff on my desk. “Cynthia!” I shouted.

For fuck’s sake! My favorite, last fitting pair of Gucci pants.

“Brian!” Cynthia rushed into my office, alarmed. “Is everything okay? Are you hurt? What’s that?” She pointed to my shirt and pants.

“Coffee,” I growled. “I need paper tissues.”

“Christ. You scared me to death.”

“It is a matter of life and death.” I glowered at the coffee stain on my gray pants. Then I noticed coffee on my desk, all over my files. “On second thought, I’m out for the day. I’m going to kill Justin.”

“Hey, hey. Remember what I told you? Don’t let the hormones rule you. You might regret some of your actions later.”

“Yeah, right. There won’t be an annoying twat around to knock me up,” I muttered, snatching my briefcase off the floor. “Let Mark know I’ll need to talk to him tomorrow about mock-ups for Brown Athletics. If he can’t, then tell him to send me whoever he thinks capable of doing what I need.”

“Sure, Brian. Anything else?”

“Yes, how do you kill someone and make it look like an accident?”

She rolled her eyes, pushing me through the door. “You’ll miss Justin. Off you go.”

“You mean, waddle.”

“Whatever suits you.” She giggled.

“Fuck off.”

After a stop by the diner where Debbie coddled me for a good ten minutes, before I managed to push her away, I had my food and a lipstick print to my left temple. I wasn’t aware of its existence until I arrived at the loft and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I washed my hands.

I debated whether or not to wait for Justin, but dinner smelt delicious and I couldn’t resist the temptation. I dreaded our meeting with Dr. Hump. I knew I was past the horrid 180 pounds, but hopefully under 190. The bump was visible all right, and it had required a lengthy shopping trip last week. Justin complained half of the trip, but I was determined to find something that would fit and not make me look fat.

Once I finished my part of the food, and some of Justin’s, I slumped on my Barcelona chair, kicked my feet up on the coffee table and put a Marlon Brando movie. I saw the beginning, but just about that.

A loud noise made me shoot up, and fall face first to the floor. Ow.

“Shit. Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you,” Justin called.

He thought I was in bed, which proved why he’d just stepped on my hand.

“Holy shit!” He lost footing, tumbling on top of me. “What the fuck are you doing on the floor?”

“I was on the chair, but you woke me. Could you kindly move off me? I can’t breathe.”

“Shit. Sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“You might have broken my fingers,” I joked, flexing them. “Nope, still good. What time is it?” I got up off the floor, heading to the bed.

“It’s around three. In my defense, I didn’t realize how fast time passed.”

“Do you realize we have the appointment at eight? Could you be up and functioning at that hour?”

“Are you forgetting I’m the younger one here?”

“Wrong. There’s someone else much younger,” I mumbled into my pillow.

I didn’t hear whatever he answered, I was back asleep.